KAI/error/

KIM JONGIN

I feel awful.

Like my mind and body were torn apart at the seams, like a limb had been brutally yanked off of my body, like a piece of me was literally ripped off, leaving a gushing wound that bled endlessly in its place.

Once I opened my eyes in that moment, I just knew that I wasn't the same anymore. That something very valuable was taken away from me, and I was left confused, incomplete and hurting. Yet physically, my body didn't have so much as a scratch on it.

God, I felt so empty, so uprooted. I couldn't even remember who I was, where I was, what I was doing, where I came from. Nothing, I could register none of my surroundings.

Only when I looked at a pair of familiar brown eyes did the hurricane in my mind cease. My heartbeat went steady, my heavy breathing slowing down, and a strange calmness washed over me just from his soft gaze.

I didn't know how long I stared at him, endlessly seeking that respite from the shattering pain I was in.

When that pain slowly began to fade away to eventually leave room for rational thought, everything, all the memories came rushing back.

"Sehun," I whispered, but my voice came out so hoarse that it even surprised me.

He blinked at me, as if still in utter shock, the disbelief evident in his eyes.

"Jongin..." He whimpered, his eyes turning glossy. It was only then I realized that tears had already escaped my own.

"Shhh... It's okay, you're safe now," he inched closer, cupping my cheek gently and wiping my tears away with his thumbs.

There was so much I wanted to say. So much I wanted to tell him. But the thoughts swirling around in my head were a confusing mess, making it impossible to form a single coherent sentence. So I ended up saying the one word that kept occuring over and over again.

"Sehun," I lifted my heavy arms, wrapping them around him desperately and hugging him. The tears were flowing out of my eyes freely at that point. I couldn't even stop the sobs that had built up in my body over so long. It felt like an eternity ago, holding him like this, that I just couldn't contain my overflowing emotions. "Sehun."

"I'm here, baby. I'm here. I never left," he whispered, gently caressing my hair.

I know. I heard you. You were there the whole time.

Puzzle pieces started to come together in my head as I began to become more aware of my surroundings. Everything looked the same, felt the same. Yet there was something so inherently off. Sure, I was thirsty, starving and I felt weak all over. But it wasn't just that... I felt so different, so small, so incomplete. I felt like there was a gaping hole in my body that couldn't be filled.

"Sehun..." I croaked out between tears, "God, I... I feel awful."

"Just calm down baby. I'm right here," he said as he pulled away, running his fingers through my hair. He gazed at me lovingly but with obvious concern and I found myself getting lost in his eyes again. "Kyungsoo... What do I do?"

My eyes left his for a brief moment to register that there was someone else in the room, standing at the foot of the bed, seeming equally as surprised.

"H-He's in shock... He doesn't know what happened to him," he spoke cautiously, eyeing me.

"What happened to me?" I demanded, my voice coming out rougher than I intended. But I had to know, I needed to.

"Baby... Just get some rest for now. We'll talk about that later, okay? I just need you to relax right now," Sehun said to me softly, tightly gripping my hand.

"I can't... I-I..."

"Hold on, I'll go get you some water," he moved to stand up but I tightened my hold on him, shaking my head.

"No... Stay," I said hoarsely but firmly.

"It's okay, I'll go get him some," Kyungsoo spoke before quickly scurrying out of the room. Sehun turned to face me, comfortingly caressing my cheek. He gazed at me and he looked so relieved, yet so pained at the same time. I knew just by that look that Sehun had been going through a different kind of hell all by himself.

"I missed you," he whispered, wiping away the remainder of my tears, "God, I missed you so much." He leaned down, resting his forehead against mine.

"How long?" I found myself asking, dreading the answer.

"Three months," he replied. Three months... That's a long time. But somehow it felt even longer.

"You were here..."

"Every day," he smiled, but I could see the grief behind it. Sehun had been through a lot, and I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't you dare... You idiot. You don't know how worried I was about you. I'm just so thankful... So happy that you're back now. That's all I can ask for."

"It feels wrong," I said honestly. "I... I'm not okay. Something is missing Sehun but I don't know what-"

Sehun looked at me knowingly, squeezing my palm in reassurance. "It'll be okay... We'll get through this."

He lay down next to me on the bed and wrapped an arm around me, my head immediately going to rest on his chest. I closed my eyes, forgetting my worries for a moment and just allowing the warmth of his body to seep under my skin, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest. He caressed my hair softly, placing soft kisses to the top of my head.

My moment of peace didn't last too long because soon enough the door opened and my parents were rushing in.

"Oh God, Kai!" My mother cried, rushing to my side and hugging me to her chest. Just the mention of that name sent a painful jolt through my body and I stiffened in her hold. "Oh thank God.... Thank God!"

I couldn't bring myself to hug her back. She soon brought a glass of water to my lips, tipping it so the warm fluid could ease the dryness in my throat. I found myself finishing the whole glass in one gulp, sighing when I was done.

"Are you okay?" She asked, cupping both my cheeks and staring into my eyes, "How are you feeling?"

"I thought we lost you..." My father shook his head in disbelief, still standing off to one side, "You actually came back."

Kyungsoo cleared his throat from behind them. "I'm sorry, but we really should give him a moment. He's still in shock and a little disoriented right now."

My mother seemed reluctant but nodded in understanding, looking at me one final time before standing up.

"We'll leave you alone for a while," She said softly, caressing my cheek lovingly. Dad came and placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly as a genuine smile stretched on his lips.

"I'm so glad you're back."

I couldn't even bring myself to say anything. Because I wasn't even sure if the me they were talking about was really back.

They made their way to leave and just as Sehun made a move to get up, I held his hand tightly.

"No... Stay."

My mother's gaze softened as she turned back to glance at me. Sehun nodded slowly, intertwining our fingers. Eventually they all left, shutting the door behind them.

I settled back into Sehun's embrace, letting out a long breath as I stared up at the ceiling. A frown was marring my face as I tried to remember the events of the past few months.

"I followed your voice... I kept running and running and running... The more I ran, the more I felt like my soul was leaving me."

His shoulders seemed to stiffen underneath me, "Hey... Don't think about that now."

"I was alone... It was dark, and I was scared."

"Jongin..."

"I was so lost, Sehun. I still am. I feel like I'm not me."

"You are you... That'll never change. You're Jongin... The guy I fell in love with."

I in a sharp breath, wrapping an arm around his chest. "I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here."

He carded his fingers through my hair, sighing softly. "Me neither."

I let my eyes flutter closed. I had just woken up but I already felt so drained. Slowly but surely, the steady sound of his heartbeat was lulling me into a shallow slumber.



 

Sehun didn't leave me alone for the next couple of days. He stayed over, only leaving briefly to bring some of his things. He was my self-proclaimed caretaker, bringing me food, water, and whatever else I needed before I even asked for it. I was pretty sure he'd spoon feed me himself if I actually let him.

He was also overly enthusiastic, always goofing around and saying stupid things just to cheer me up and make me smile. He held my arm for support as he walked me around the house, even though I could walk perfectly fine on my own after a few days. He was gentle and sweet and romantic, always smiling whenever he saw me and kissing me chastely when he got the chance. 

Of course he was also missing out on all his rehearsals to take care of me. I argued with him about it but he insisted he didn't need to go and that he'd already talked to Yixing. He practiced in front of my mirror whenever he got the chance, and I enjoyed watching him as I lay in my bed.

"Why don't you dance in this part again?"

Sehun panted as he took a break while the familiar music continued to play from his speaker. "It's a couple dance," he said.

"And?"

"I didn't have a partner," he shrugged. I cocked a brow.

"Pretty sure you can find one if you wanted to."

He his lips, "Well, I mean I already have a partner. He's just not available right now."

He? i frowned in confusion. The thought of Sehun dancing with a girl was fine but with a guy? Now that thought made me feel a little uncomfortable. "Who is it?"

He didn't answer but smiled as he walked up to me on the bed, holding his hand out expectantly, "Think you can still dance?"

I stared up at him curiously. Since my body had been stationary for so long, moving  around was still a little challenging. I was getting more used to it now but I hadn't really tried to dance yet since I didn't want to strain my body too much. There was also this constant feeling of weakness no matter how well I ate. I figured it was probably just because I was still recovering from comatose.

But as I looked at Sehun's extended hand, I couldn't help but be tempted. With a small smile, I took his hand and allowed him to lift me up to my feet. He grinned at me as he led me to the middle of the room, bringing the song back to the beginning. He circled an arm around my waist while his other hand brought mine up. He guided me slowly, taking the lead. I followed his steps like second nature, remembering all those days it was just the two of us with our music in the practice room.

"Is this...?" I asked as he led me to a familiar choreography.

"Yeah... It's the routine you choreographed for us," he said softly as he spun me. I smiled, feeling more energized now as I remembered the moves and danced together with him in sync. He stared at me, seeming surprised and impressed. "You still got it."

"Of course I do... And you've gotten better."

"Your student became the teacher," he winked.

"Wait... is this the actual dance?" I asked, surprised. He nodded slowly as he dipped me.

"Yeah. I taught the others. I hope you don't mind," he smiled sheepishly.

"Mind? Are you kidding? That's amazing!" I exclaimed as he lifted me effortlessly. He had gotten stronger than before, his arms more toned than I last remembered. He looked absolutely stunning and his dancing had gotten so much better.

When we stopped at the ending pose, panting as he lifted me up slowly by the waist.

"You're not gonna perform it?"

"Not unless I'm doing it with you," he said softly as he gazed at me seriously. "Will you be my partner?"

I blinked at him. "Like... On stage?"

He nodded. My eyes widened. He wants to perform with me? On stage, in front of everyone? "But then... People will think we're..."

"Together?" He finished, smiling, "Well, we are. Let's give them something to talk about."

Suddenly, I felt my knees buckle underneath me and if it weren't for Sehun holding me, I probably would've fallen to the ground.

"What, did I make you swoon too hard?" He laughed as he lifted me up. But his smile was wiped off my lips when he saw the way my chest was heaving as I struggled to catch my breath. I held on to his shoulders for support. I didn't realize how much the dance had tired me out, but I definitely didn't expect to feel that weak after it.

"Babe, what's wrong?" He asked worriedly, carrying me bridal style and laying me down on the bed. "Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah... Just a little winded," I panted, closing my eyes and trying to focus on my breathing.

"Okay... Just relax yeah?" He whispered, comfortingly rubbing my shoulders. It took me a few minutes to compose myself, until my breathing was stable again and my heart wasn't beating erratically anymore. I opened my eyes slowly, finding Sehun's eyebrows scrunched up in concern and... anger?

"Hey... I'm okay now," I mumbled, hoping to ease that frown on his face a little. He shook his head.

"No, Jongin. You're not okay. That looked way too familiar."

"How so?"

"You know exactly how," he gritted his teeth, digging his nails into the mattress. I sighed, sitting up next to him and wrapping an arm around him. I did know what it was. It still didn't make me regret taking his anemia. I could live with it. I could live with anything as long as I had Sehun. "You shouldn't have done it."

"I regret nothing."

"I'm gonna call Kyungsoo. Maybe there's something he can do-"

"What can he do? I'm not even a Traveler anymore," I said tiredly. He stiffened at that. I knew everyone was walking on eggshells around me, especially when it came to that topic.

It was difficult to deal with the loss. My code being stripped away from my body was like amputating a limb. It hurt to lose something that was always a part of me. A lot of the time I found myself blankly staring into space. I wondered if Kai was still out there, somewhere. Was he lost? Did he feel as terrible as I did? It hurt to think about it. And the worst part was, he didn't have Sehun to comfort him. Most nights I found myself crying for no particular reason, until Sehun would wake up and hug me to his chest until the tears eventually ran out.

He was the only reason I was able to cope with my new state. He made everything better. He was the voice that pulled me out of the darkness, the only reason I was alive at all.

"I'm sorry I asked you to dance. You should have been resting instead," Sehun eventually spoke, most probably trying to change the topic.

"That was a lot of fun though," I said honestly. "But... are you really sure about performing this with me?"

"Not so much now. The competition is at the end of this week... I don't know if your body will be able to handle it."

"I mean, apart from that. You... Really don't mind coming out in front of everyone?"

He gazed at me softly. "I'm tired of being scared of what everyone thinks of me. Of us. I want to be with you, without having to hide it. This dance... This is our thing. And I think it's about time we showed it off to the world."

I couldn't help the corners of my lips turning up as I ruffled his hair affectionately. "Only if you'll take the lead."

"I will if you want me to."

"Then I'm in," I whispered as I leaned in and softly pressed my lips to his. I cupped his cheek, our lips moving against each other in a languid motion. It was still so surreal to feel his kiss, almost overwhelming. I felt loved, complete, like every trace of my pain was instantly wiped away. My heartbeat slowed, but then sometimes it sped up.

We broke apart when there was a knock at the door. "Boys! Dinner's ready!" My mother chirped from the other side. Sehun stifled a groan as he pouted at me.

"We'll be right down, mom," I called out, laughing softly as I went to stand up. Sehun was quickly at my side, arm wrapping around my waist for support. I rolled my eyes at him but smiled nonetheless. He was too cute. I wonder what I did to deserve him.

"Sehunnie is like the perfect boyfriend," my mom giggled as we walked out into the hall together. Sehun blushed as he looked at the ground shyly.

"Yes he is," I agreed.



 

Sehun was already sound asleep next to me, the sound of his steady breathing filling the room. It was probably already dawn by then but I couldn't sleep. I just stared up at the ceiling, one thought after another going through my head.

There was a sudden third presence in the room and I sat up immediately, heart pounding in my chest.

"Kyungsoo?" I whispered when I saw who it was.

"Hey Jongin," he greeted quietly.

"You almost gave me a heart attack! Do you always just show up like that?" I grimaced.

He scratched the back of his head. "Sorry, I didn't really want anyone to know I was coming."

"Where have you been? You haven't come again since the day I woke up."

"I was holed up in my lab," he sighed tiredly. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," I glanced at Sehun's sleeping form. "Let's go sit in the balcony."

He nodded and I cautiously got off the bed so as to not wake Sehun up. The two of us went to sit in the balcony, closing the sliding door behind us.

"How are you feeling?" He asked first.

"I'm getting better, thanks to Sehun."

"That's great. I really respect that kid."

"Kid? Come on, you aren't much older than him."

He rolled his eyes, "Only kids can be as reckless as you two."

"Hey!" I complained but he only chuckled softly.

"Anyway... I came to say that I'm giving up my research."

I widened my eyes at him. I knew how passionate Kyungsoo was about his research, so that came as a shock to me. "What? Why?"

"Well... Watching you two was enough of an emotional roller coaster," he chuckled. He seemed to be in a lighter mood than usual. "And I guess I feel more at peace now."

"How so?"

"When my dad died... I devoted my life to figuring out how love works. Why it hurts so much, causes us so much pain, and why we can only have it once. I thought of love as a poison, a silent killer than lures you in with it's sweetness then destroys you the moment it gets the chance."

"What... What happened to your dad?" I asked cautiously. Kyungsoo never really talked about himself so it was my first time hearing something like that from him.

He stared at me for a long moment. "You probably already know. Sable was my dad."

I stared at him in shock, my breath hitching in my throat at the revelation. "Sable... God Kyungsoo, I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"It's okay... It was a long time ago. But that was the reason I began my research. I wanted to know why he died, why love killed him. But after I saw you two, after you woke up... I realized something. Love isn't a killer... No, love is simply a motive."

I listened to him attentively, knowing that he had a lot to say and that it was important.

"Love was the reason he died, but it was also the reason you lived. He died because he couldn't stand to be without his lover, and you lived for the same reason. You knew your code was slowly destroying your body. But you wanted to live for Sehun so bad that you did the impossible. You detached your code from your body, you did it subconsciously. You went into a coma because you needed all your strength for that process. You needed an anchor to keep your sanity through it all, and Sehun was that anchor. You needed a motive for what you did and love was that motive."

Wow... Was that really me? I did that?

"As for the why... I don't think we'll ever know for sure. Maybe we're creatures that were never made for love in the first place. But you're human now... In every sense of the word. Your transformation started when you decided not to give up on Sehun even if it meant your life was on the line. When you decided to learn dancing on your own. When you took away his sickness. You may think that you just lost something very important to you, but it was something you had to lose to gain what's even more important. You did the right thing."

I found myself smiling softly at that. It was comforting to hear that. You did the right thing. That was exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe I was never fit to be a Traveler in the first place. I was no longer Kai, I was Jongin and someday, I knew I was going to be okay with that fact.

"Thank you, Kyungsoo. For sticking by me all this time. For coming here to tell me all this."

He smiled at me genuinely, "I should be thanking you too. You gave me a lot of valuable data... And you helped me be at peace with my father's death. I might even consider using the machine now, who knows?"

I grinned at him, "You falling in love? Now I'd love to see that."

He grimaced, "If it's anything like your love story, I highly recommend that you don't."



 

Cheers erupted in the studio the moment I walked in with Sehun. I was enveloped in one hug after the other as the dancers greeted me, welcoming me back.

"Jongin!" Taemin practically jumped on me, hugging me tight while laughing softly. "I'm so glad you're back! I wanted to visit you so bad but your parents never got back to me... Thank God you're okay!"

"It's good to see you too," I said genuinely, hugging him back. He pulled back to study me, a toothy grin on his face.

"You've gotten skinnier."

"Stop being an insensitive ," Krystal scowled, shoving Taemin away so she could hug me instead. "These three months were so boring without you. I had to deal with this tool all on my own."

I could practically hear the pout in her voice and couldn't help but laugh. I had really missed my friends.

"You love spending time with me sweetheart," Taemin smirked but she only shoved him again, still holding on to me.

"It's so good to have you back. You feeling better now?"

"Yeah, a lot," I said honestly. And I did. I'd been getting Haemoglobin transfusions, so I was starting to slowly regain my health. I even practiced the routine with Sehun a couple of times and thankfully it wasn't affecting me as much as the first time. I told Sehun it'd be a good idea if we both attended the last group rehearsal and I managed to convince him I was healthy enough to go.

"I heard you'll be joining us and Sehun apparently got you a costume and everything."

I scratched the back of my neck sheepishly, "Well yeah, I'm just in one part though."

"That's awesome! I'm sure you'll do great." Krystal said excitedly.

"I just hope the last-minute addition won't cause any trouble."

"Nah, we'll be able to manage. Don't worry," Taemin reassured me.

"Alright let's get started then!" Yixing clapped loudly, catching everyone's attention.

When the first practice started, I stood in the sidelines as I watched the crew transition seamlessly from one song to another to form intricate formations. It was amazing, all the work they'd put in for that routine. They were all perfectly synchronised and energetic. It was unbelievable that Yixing and Sehun put together and choreographed the whole thing all on their own. It almost made me a little envious but even more so motivated and inspired. When the beat stopped for a moment and the Spanish music began to play, I knew it was my cue to join Sehun in the center. He grinned as he took my hand spinned me around before pulling me flush against him. There were screams and cheers of surprise as the rest of the crew saw us, having not expected that particular development. I couldn't help but blush slightly as I laughed, looking at Sehun who mirrored my expression.

"Hey, don't get sloppy now!" Yixing scolded teasingly as he went about the choreography but he was grinning widely too.

When the song was finally over, the excitement was anything but.

"You two, what the hell was that?!"

"You guys have some explaining to do!"

"That was amazing! Now we've got this win in the bag!"

"I don't know where that came from, but I loved it!"

"You guys owned that dance!"

The comments from the crew didn't stop. They were obviously surprised but also excited and curious about the sudden new addition. We eventually had to spill that it was our choreography that we'd worked on together, which led to even more squeals and wolf whistles from the crew. They eventually insisted that we take the center position, no matter how much we tried to argue that Yixing and Momo deserved that spot instead.

After a few more rehearsals, practice was finally over. Sehun made sure to get me some water and chocolate between every rehearsal, which was honestly adorable. It felt so good to be back around other students again, doing what I loved with the guy I loved. It almost felt like everything was normal again.

We were both in a pretty good mood as I walked out to the bus stop with Sehun, hand-in-hand. We didn't miss the curious looks that people were giving us but we didn't mind. It felt so good to just be open about our relationship for once. And Sehun had this huge smile plastered on his face the whole time which I was sure I mirrored.

"Practice was fun," I commented while we sat on the bench and waited for the bus. It was a chilly night and the bus stop was mostly empty save for a few other students standing off to the side.

"It was," he smiled at me. "I'm so glad you came."

"Me too. It was awesome seeing everyone again. Never got so many hugs in one day."

"Pretty sure Luna crushed your ribcage," he said, scrunching his nose up cutely.

"Could be worse," I chuckled. "I mean, I could be a gay alien who fell in love with a human and went into a coma for three months."

He laughed, "Oh yeah. That would be the worst."

I snorted and we both burst into a fit of laughter. When our laughs eventually died down, he gazed at me softly, air condensing as it left his lips, his hands still tightly clasping mine.

"Are you cold?" He whispered.

"Why so you can offer me your jacket?"

"No... So I can have an excuse to kiss you."

My lips turned up on their own accord and I could already feel the heat rushing to my cheeks and the butterflies swirling around in my stomach.

"Well in that case I'm freezing."

He leaned in until his warm breath was ghosting over my lips, looking down at them tentatively and I felt my heart thump against my chest in anticipation. He then closed the distance between us to kiss me chastely. I closed my eyes, scooching closer to him as I intertwined our fingers together. And he was right because the heat from his wet, soft lips was already warming my body up. It was sweet and passionate, and I was sure the people walking by had stopped to stare. I smiled into the kiss before pulling away slowly.

I cocked a brow teasingly, "Wait, so you don't wanna give me your jacket?"

"I'd freeze my off if I did," he chuckled.

"I can always warm that up too, if you like," I winked and he only shoved me away lightly, a slight tinge of red sneaking its way to his cheeks.

"ert," he muttered under his breath and I simply grinned back at him.

It was little moments like these, like when we were dancing together, or having a normal conversation, or taking the bus together only to cuddle in the back seat on the way home, that made me realize just how precious this blessing was to me.

This blessing called Sehun.

Sorry this chapter took so long! I got a little stuck with it to be honest. I guess I couldn't really figure out the balance of bitter and sweet I wanted to portray. I ended up not wanting to make it too depressing so heres the fluff YOU'RE WELCOME.

Only one more chapter to go! Not sure when exactly I'll have it out since I've been busy with classes lately but I'll try my best to update soon. Let me know what your thoughts are as we approach the end of the book! And don't be afraid to get real and give me any constructive criticism you may have.

As always, thanks for reading and don't forget to drop a comment!

Song of the day: "Rodeo Station" by EXO-SC. This song tugs at my heartstrings. And although the lyrics are sort of unrelated, I thought it really fits the overall mood of this chapter. Hope you guys give it a listen!