NOT AN UPDATE
It's all Started With a Kick
Title [6/10]:
Firstly, your title doesn’t make much sense if you undo the contraction, meaning writing the short form into its true form, “It is all Started With a Kick.” Secondly, your capitalization is incorrect. Since “with” is a preposition, you do not need to capitalize it; therefore, change it to “It All Started with a Kick.”
Thirdly, your title doesn’t sound very interesting to me. From first glance, I could tell that the story involves some love-hate relationship. I could pretty much guess the beginning of your story. I would change the title into something more interesting to catch readers’ attention.
Description/Foreword [2/5]:
Your description and foreword make the plot very obvious. I think your description does absolutely nothing but ruins the surprise for new readers because it summarizes a lot of the beginning. You’re perfectly fine without it; actually, I think it would be better if you remove the description and make new readers read your first chapter out of curiosity. Either that or you can make an eye-catching one.
Part of your fanfic already tells the reader the characters’ personalities; I understood the characters just through your writing. There’s no need for their profile in the foreword. Sure you can put their pictures with interesting captions such as their background information, but the stuff you put are quite abundant.
You put the cliché question, which everyone knows the answer to, of whether the main characters will fall in love with each other in the description. Yet, in the foreword, you tell us that Taeyeon and Leeteuk hate each other, but change eventually. What’s the point of putting both of them there as attention getters when they contradict each other’s purpose? Well, it’s a dead giveaway.
Originality [6/15]:
This story is super cliché. Sorry but I can’t give any higher score. I could basically guess everything happening next as I read along. There’s nothing special about the plot, but I thought the kick was kind of cute.
Characters [9/10]:
I could guess Leeteuk’s and Eunhyuk’s personalities through their actions, so that’s good. The girls seem so what unpredictable; they seem to have sudden changes. Try putting yourself in the views of your characters so you know how to respond to each action.
For example, Hyoyeon is the wise and calm one in the beginning, but once they couldn’t find Leeteuk and Taeyeon in the forest, she gets all teary and runs away. She’s supposed to be calm to come up with a good solution.
Besides that, other characters are fine.
Plot/Writing [9/20]:
The flow of your story doesn’t seem to match well. It’s too disconnected and robotic. I expect some good vocabulary use in fanfics. You should use the thesaurus to look up similar words rather than using the same words over and over. Just mix it up and have some fun!
There are many awkward and simple sentences. You should try some writing style and sentence structure. Remember, the word “and” makes your sentence flimsy!
Do not use * in your writing. Just write it out into the actual words! It’s not that hard. Do not use pictures. Break the pictures down into small detailed parts, and start describing it. Then widen it out. This is also easy!
Grammar [8/25]
Here are the rules for your list of frequent errors. Sorry but they’re all over the place so hopefully you’ll get these points and fix your fanfic later:
Verb inconsistency and subject-verb agreement
1. You went with past tense near the ending of your fanfic, so add –ed endings to the needed/appropriate verbs
2. The verb following a conjugated verb must be in its infinitive form!
Punctuation
1. Place commas in correct places to break up a sentence into many parts; meaning, if you are to read the sentence out loud, the location of the commas should match up the pauses in your voice
2. If the narrated part after/before the character’s speech can stand on its own as a sentence, you may put a period. But remember to capitalize the first word following that speech!
3. Place a comma before the opening/closing quotation marks if the narrated part of the sentence, alone, cannot fit into an independent complete sentence. You may also use it if the narrated part is a complete sentence.
4. The special exceptions for two rules above are exclamation points and question marks in the conversation
5. Do not have a speech without ending punctuation
Capitalization
1. Always capitalize the first letter of the word following a period/exclamation point/question mark. This rule also applies to characters’ speech and the narration after it
2. Always capitalize names
3. Always capitalize the first word of a sentence; this also applies to dialogues
4. Don’t capitalize a word in the middle of a sentence unless it’s a person’s name, a place, or a title of something
Apostrophes
1. Use it for possessive words; meaning words that describe whom the object belongs to.
Examples: Leeteuk’s, your friend’s book, etc.
2. Use it for contractions; meaning shortened written way of longer words.
Examples: It’s, he’s, they’re, I’m, etc.
Don’t forget to fix all the errors mentioned because I don’t have enough room to do so. I will mention a problem once unless it’s convenient. The rules above should help you in correcting errors. Remember to fix everything on your own with your knowledge, or else this review wouldn’t help much!
Chapter 1:
“Today is the last day of summer and some student are out playing some are getting ready to start a new school year.” First, change “is” to “was”, “are” to “were”. Secondly, the word “student” isn’t agreeing with its verb; please make “student” plural. Lastly, this sentence is just plainly awkward because of the missing commas. Here’s a way to fix it, “Today was the last day of summer; some students were out playing, some were getting ready to start a new school year.”
“There were girls walking by winking at him, like a gentleman he smile and wink back at them.” Since “walking” and “winking” are two separate actions, you need to put a comma after “by”. Without the comma, the phrase “walking by winking” makes no sense at all; it actually means a person walking by the action of winking. “Walking by, winking” tells the readers that someone is walking by a specific thing and winks at it.
The part about Leeteuk has nothing to do with the girls, therefore, replace the comma after “him” with either a period or semicolon. “Like a gentleman” is a prepositional phrase describing his actions, therefore, you must have a comma after it to indicate that the other part of the sentence can exist without the description. Change needed verbs into past tense!
“‘Damn, that girl know how to dance.’ Eunhyuk said sitting next to leeteuk, ‘One vodka’ he said to the bartender.” There are problems on subject verb agreement in Eunhyuk’s speech, capitalization on Leeteuk’s name and Vodka; I figured you know how to fix based on the rules above. Replace the comma after “Leeteuk” with a period to separate the sentence into two different ones since they have nothing to do with each other. Also, put a comma before the closing quotation mark to indicate his speech ends there.
“they approach the girl that was dancing with Eunhyuk a few minute ago.” Capitalize the first word. Attach –ed to the end of “approach”. “A few” and “minute” are not agreeing. Make “minute” plural.
“Only me and Taeyeon was left,” I don’t get where you get first POV all of a sudden. Keep it third POV. Also, since there’s more than one person, make the verb agree with the subject! This is a complete sentence, put a period, not a comma. “Only Leeteuk and Taeyeon were left.”
“‘20’ she said uncomfortable.” Please write numbers out. Since “uncomfortable” describes a verb, you must turn it into an adverb by replacing a “y” for the “e”.
Chapter 2:
“‘Honey, wake up it your fist day of school so don’t be late.’ His mom voice coming from downstair.” Add an “r” to “first”. There’s a pause needed after “wake up”, put a period or exclamation point there. “It’s your first day of school” is the correct way of saying it because you need to have a verb for the subject (in this case, “it”). The “voice” belongs to “his mom”, so change the noun into a possessive one, “his mom’s”. “Downstair” has an “s” after it.
“They’re called the ‘Suju’ kingka of the school.” There’s more than one person, you must put “kingkas”. Since it’s a title and you put quotes around it, Suju and kingas must go together inside the quote. Change “they’re” to “they were”.
“‘Hyung, we all have Music Class together.’ said Kyunhyun the maknae.” There’s absolutely no reason to capitalize “Music Class”. Capitalize “said” because it’s following a period after the quote.
“Leeteuk sitting next to Eunhyuk and Taeyeon sitting next to Hyoyeon.” This sentence is incomplete unless you fix it to “Leeteuk sat next to Eunhyuk and Taeyeon sat next to Hyoyeon.”
“‘that’s Seohyun, the maknae she is like an gardian angle of SNSD.’ Kyuhyun point at the girl that was reading, she looked innocent but she hang out with bad people.” You need to capitalize “that’s”. Put a period after “maknae”. The correct spelling is “guardian angel”, and you need to replace “an” with “a” since the word following it doesn’t start with or sound like a vowel. Change “point” to “pointed”, “hang” to “hung”.
“‘Shut up’ he warn them, and everyone get quite except Heechul who was still laughing.” You need a punctuation mark at the end of Leeteuk’s warning. “Warn” needs to get switched with “warned; “get” needs to get switched with “got”. Switch the position of the “e” and “t” in “quite”. Put a comma after “Heechul” to separate the main context from description.
“‘I already warn him but he didn’t listen.’ the girls nod in agree.” Change “warn” to past tense to match up with the sentence’s tense. Change “agree” to “agreement” because the word serves as a noun in the sentence. Change “nod” to “nodded”.
“‘Who do you think I am, I’m Kim Taeyeon. If he do anything to me, he will surely be the last of his generation.’ She said and look across to the Suju tables.” Put a question mark after “I am” because it’s a question. Change “do” to “does” to match the subject with the verb. Also change “look” to its past tense because of the same reason. Get rid of the “s” in “tables”.
“‘Oh my dongsaeng, I love you guys.’ she said and they all hugs each other.” There’s more than one person, you obviously need to make “dongsaeng” plural. Capitalize “she”. “Hugs” should be “hugged”.
Chapter 3:
“‘Hi, Taeyeon.’ a guy voice.” You have an incomplete sentence. You can change it to “Said a guy’s voice.”
“‘YOU! How did you know my number?” she asked supprise but also angry. Change “supprise” to “surprised”. Add a comma after “surprised”.
“And now they accept on going a trip with the Super Junior, are they trying to kill me, she thought and she is sad that her dongsaeng betray her.” Since Super Junior is a name, you don’t need the word “the” in front of it. End the first sentence after “Junior.” Put a question mark after “me”. Capitalize “she”. Make “dongsaeng” plural.
“‘Why are you chicken out. Chicken *making chicken sound*’ he said.” This sentence flow isn’t good, neither is the verb usage. It should be “Why are you chickening out?” Instead of using * to say his action, you should make it flow into your writing. For example, “‘Why are you chickening out? Chicken!’ he mocked her, making chicken sounds.”
Chapter 4:
“Then the car suddenly stop. ‘Are we there.” and the door open.” “Stop” and “open” need to match up with past tense. Since this is a statement, not a question, make it “We are there.” Replace the period after “stop” and “there” with commas.
“‘I’m so tire, lets rest.” Heechul and Jessica said at the same time. First, “tire” is a verb and a noun; you need an adjective, so add a “d” to the end of it. Second, “lets” is a contraction for “let us”, so you must have an apostrophe between “t” and “s”.
“Super Junior and SNSD work together and buid up the tends, and the girls all forgot what Taeyeon told them yesterday, because they are all having a great time.” Fix “work” to “worked”, “buid” to “built”. I figure you meant “tents” instead of “tends”, so fix that also. Remove the comma after “yesterday”.
“Leeteuk go and pick up eighteen stick and he broke four stick in half and throw the other half away and he shuffle it in his hand.” Huh? Sorry but this sentence makes no sense. There are problems with verb tense, too many “and”s, plural subjects, and the context meaning. I don’t know what you mean, so I can’t really help here.
“and he left her their dumfounded as he go pick up some wood.” Capitalize the “and”. Fix “go” to “went”. “Their” is a possessive word, what you meant is “there”.
“While at Leeteuk and Taeyeon side…” Instead of “while”, use “meanwhile”. Leeteuk and Taeyeon need to be possessive. You know what that means… apostrophes!
“I’m I dead yet, why the ground is not rocky or hard?” These are two separate questions, please put a question mark after “yet”. Remember, the verb “to be” always go in front of the subject in a question. That means, switch the position of “the ground” and “is”.
Chapter 7:
“What with her, in class she like a statue just froze there on the hold period, and that Wooyoung guy keep on looking at her.” Fix it to “What’s with her? In class she was like a statue, just froze there for the whole period.”
“‘I didn’t pay attention in class and I want to asked you if we have homework.’” Make “want” “wanted” because it’s the main verb. “To asked” should be in its infinitive form, “to ask”.
Chapter 12:
“‘If you’re not joking than what.” “Than” is used for comparison, which is not the right word choice in this case, change it to “then”.
Chapter 13:
“she said flirtly.” Please capitalize “she”. Also, “flirtly” isn’t a word. It’s “flirtatiously”.
“Taeyeon slaped Wooyoung.” The word “slap”, in its past tense, has two “p”s.
“Leeteuk said and holded Taeyeon hand.” “Hold” is already in past tense, you don’t need –ed after it. Also, add ‘s to “Taeyeon”.
Chapter 20:
“Leeteuk was angry inside when he heard Eunhyuk said and so grib on the magazine like he was going to rip it apart and still isn’t looking at Eunhyuk.” Add “what” after Eunhyuk and a semicolon after “said”. Replace “and so he grib on” with “he gripped onto”. Also, replace “and still isn’t” with “without”. That should make the sentence less awkward.
“‘I can date whoever I want and when did you starting to care who I date or not.’” This is another awkward sentence. Add a period after “want”, then replace “and” with “since”. Delete the –ing in “starting”. Change “who” to “whether”. Finally, change the last period into a question mark.
“Tayeon said and she felt his grib is getting stronger.” First, you misspelled “Taeyeon” and “grip”. Second, replace “and” with “as”. Remove “is” because it’s very unnecessary.
Chapter 22:
“‘Hyoyeon unnie, is Taeyeon unnie home?’ some asked.” I have no clue what you meant by “some”, but I’m thinking “someone”?
“OH SEOHYUN!!! You scare me!” exlaimd Hyoyeon. Add a “d” to the end of “scare”. Also add an “e” between the “m” and “d” in “exclaimed”.
Other [5/10]
Honestly, I didn’t enjoy this much. The story was okay, but the grammar wasn’t good. Sorry but I can’t stand reading something with incorrect grammar for a long time. I’m sorry for being a picky reviewer, but I’m just honestly expressing my opinions. I have nothing against you, your story, or anyone. I did find some parts hilarious, but they’re all too cliché. Yeah, I guess what is going to happen ahead of time. Not much of an excitement.
Extra [3/5]:
The main poster is fine, very cute! Not to mention, Suju and SNSD match each other so well. Your font and format is neat and organized.
Your chapter titles are simple and it summarizes the chapter in just two or three words. Make it special so that people wonder about the update. Even before I start reading, your titles just tell me the main point in a very straightforward way. For example, for chapter four, you could try something like “A Not-so-Pretty Fall” or “A Falling Kiss” (both implying to when Leeteuk and Taeyeon fall on each other).
Also, some of the titles aren’t capitalized correctly. Chapter ten should be titled “Apology Gift”. In chapter thirteen, “the” shouldn’t be capitalized. While in chapter twenty one, you should capitalize everything.
Total [0-100]: 48/100
Your overall scores combined.
A: 90-100
B: 80-89
C: 70-79
D: 60-69
F: 60-
Sorry if I’m too strict. I honestly gave you my best opinion. Your grammar bothers me a lot, may be you can look up some articles online to learn more. It seems as though you make less mistakes in the last few chapters, so good job! Hopefully my explanations are good enough for you to fix all the mistakes on your own If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.
Hwaiting! You improved a lot within twenty chapters or so! Keep improving! :)
I hope I helped in some way. Thank you for requesting at our shop. Have a wonderful day! This review was made by~teuteelicious from **Starlight Review Shop**
I really did expect to have this grade. Maybe I should get myself an editter. If you want to be my editter, contact me.
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