Chapter 7: Lost

Pie Mindara Manaying

The doorbell rang more than once and I didn’t bother to check who was at the door. There would be no other person rather than the clumsy Kimhan Jittaleela who happened not to bring the key with her. Considering that it was still early in the evening, I have decided to let her stay outside for awhile. Kimhan should learn her lesson. She should have known that I wasn’t home just to wait for her return after she had gone for the whole day to where I care. She wasn’t here every time I woke up in the morning and she rarely come home before I went to bed. Always missing in action, I didn’t even know what she was doing while she was out. Going to her girlfriend’s place, spending the entire day with the remaining money which I have given to her maybe? She could have all of them to enjoy her life while her problem of paying debt for her mother’s treatment had been resolved. Meanwhile I was stuck here, brooding about what would come to me when I return to school next Monday. The thing between us didn’t seem to be a win-win situation anymore. Kimhan got a lot more benefits than me and it obviously wasn’t fair.

The ringing doorbell wasn’t heard anymore but now, it has been replaced with loud knocks on the door. Pissed off, I rose to my feet and stormed my way to the main entrance of this house. The thing that came to me once I opened the door was one I hadn’t expected at all.

“Pie!” It was too soon for me to register everything into my mind when suddenly I was being squeezed in a tight hug from this unknown but familiar person. The exquisite scent of her perfume lingered around my nostril, ticking the flash of remembrance which reminded me of someone.

            “Fern?” A soft chuckle escaped from my parted lips as I returned the hug. God, I hadn’t realised that I missed this woman too much until she was here. My best friend was here for real.

            “Yea, it’s me,” Fern released me from her held but didn’t really let me go. She rested her hands on both of my shoulder while her light brown eyes penetrated into mine as she took a close look of me. A sweet smile crept to her lips which awhile later turned into a hideous smirk. How could I forget that I got a psycho friend? Fern was up to something judging from that kind of look.

            “What is it, Fern?” I groaned, rolling my eyes at her as in to emphasise my annoyance. I knew her well; that witty remark of hers would always mean something. It would be either she was trying to make fun of me or manipulating the situations, the combination of both were the worst.

“What?” Fern laughed, removing her hands from my shoulders as she took two steps away from me. Standing at a comfortable distance between us, Fern took a brief time to study my figure. She was weird in the sense that it frightened me. What was she trying to do here?

“Don’t what me, Fern. I know you have something in your mind,” I saw Fern pouted, playing offended by my reaction.

“C’mon Pie, why so serious?” Fern shook her head. Her soft giggling echoed right after. “Since you didn’t invite me in, I would just welcome myself by myself,” Fern shoved my arm lightly and walked pass me. I let laughter drifted away from both of us. Closing the door behind me, I trailed after her as she walked to our small living room. This would be her first time to visit me here, at my new home. I wondered where she got my address and what not. Anyhow, it wouldn’t be a surprise if she ever figured it out by herself. Fern always got her way for everything.

Fern plopped down herself to long couch. Lying on her back and she made herself comfortable there. This was the typical Baifern I have always known. She was without shame, making someone else home like hers…like only hers.

            “Nice home,” She complimented, taking every details of the house into her conscious mind. I traced her gaze but unfortunately I didn’t see any interesting element about my new home; plain wall and less furniture as to compare to my Grandpa’s mansion. Fern might just want to steer a conversation then.

“Too honest,” I rolled my eyes at her once she found my eyes. Fern stifled a laugh but then failed a second later. She too found that my home is a plain boring place.

“It’s just so comfortable for a newlywed, Pie.” She spoke once her laughter subsided. “At least you have a shelter to live in,” She shrugged.

“So, how are you Mrs. Burnaphan?” Fern raised her eyebrow, hinting a slight amusement look through her eyelashes as she looked at me. Listening to the way she addressed me as Mrs. Burnaphan made me feel nauseated. I hadn’t decided and never would agree to carry Kimhan’s surname at all cost. If we happened to decide, Kimhan would take my last name.

“Who is Mrs. Burnaphan?” I shrugged, paying less attention to Fern as I took my seat across her. From the corner of my eyes, I saw the changes in Fern’s facial expression. I should have anticipated that this scene would come sooner or later. Fern was going to give her ‘lectures’ to me again.

“You haven’t decided it yet?” She asked, bringing herself into a proper sitting position.

“There’s nothing to decide… really,” I didn’t want to talk about this matter. I just needed some peace time to get rid of this disturbing thought. It has been almost a week and none of a single day I had stopped thinking about my marriage with Kimhan. It was still difficult to believe it. This unwanted marriage was too complicated.

“Pie…” Fern sighed, rising to her feet and quickly made her way to me. I couldn’t even look her into the eyes when she tilted my chin in order for me to actually have a real eye contact with her. Shame wrapped around me, making me felt uncomfortable at the thought that Fern was aware that I was married to a woman instead of a man. Now that she was here, what would she say about it?

“Please Fern, I’m not ready to talk about it,” I shook my head, wishing that she would understand me. Easier than I thought, Fern gave in and nodded at me. It relieved me that Fern didn’t insist. However, I knew it meant that I owed it to her some other time in the future. Fern had the right to know the truth behind this ‘unwanted’ marriage of mine. I couldn’t leave her hanging and confused forever. She deserved an explanation from me.

“So, where’s Kim?” Fern shifted, sounded curious once she mentioned about Kimhan. She searched deep into my eyes as if by doing that, she would get everything she needed. Only if she knew that I had no idea of where Kimhan has gone to.

“I don’t know. She went out since early in the morning,” I shrugged. Fern seemed not to believe me. I was telling her the truth yet she doubted me.

“You don’t know where you wife has gone to?” She pointed a finger to me, showing her disbelief look.  “She’s your spouse for crying out loud, Pie. Are you on fight or what?” I looked at Fern who was demanding some explanation to me. Did she expect that I got all answer to her question? I didn’t even care of what Kimhan was doing with her life why did she bother too much?

“Ugh, stop saying that she’s my wife. It’s disgusting.” Fern gaped at me for my response. I watched how her face contorted into a grimace. I was more than aware that Fern was trying to act normal to it just to take care of my feeling. Other than that, I knew she was not in favour with this abnormal marriage of mine.

“I need to be honest with you Pie,” Fern began, breaking the awkward tension between us. My ears perked up in alert and I was all prepared to listen to her confession. Various thought rushed into my mind and most of them were negative.

“I know you’re upset with me…” I spoke all of sudden.

“Listen to me Pie,” Fern cut me with a glare. I nodded like a frightened child and sat silently as I waited her to continue her speak. I grew nervous with each increasing time Fern used to stare at me. “I’m worried about you and you can’t blame me if I happen not to trust Kimhan,” She said. “I mean look at her… who’s she? A tomboy? A soft butch? We didn’t even know her background too well yet you’re living with a complete stranger who happens to be your spouse under the same roof. I didn’t mean to say that she has the potential to be a threat to your life but you need to be careful with her,” I heard the uneasiness in my best friend’s voice. Fern took my hand and squeezed it gently in hers. The warmth of her loving gesture comforted me. She knew what I needed the most; her support.

“Kimhan isn’t a bad person, Fern.” Fern’s face changed from discomfort to a huge surprise upon hearing me. I didn’t expect it would come out from my mouth too. I was just mouth vomit that I had unintentionally defending Kimhan.

“You trust her?” Fern asked, impatiently waited for me to answer her. Just like what I have mentioned earlier, everything was just too complicated to be discussed. Our marriage occurred because of our own importance and apparently it happened because of my own mistake. I took thing way too careless and it was the thing I regretted the most. I made the mistake while Kimhan crossed the path right at the moment to take advantages from it. She was selfish; we both were selfish but I couldn’t put the whole blame on her. Just like me who needed a short cut to evade the contract of rural teaching, she was just too desperate to have the financial aid in order to save her mother’s life. It took me days to think about her situation where I happened to put myself in her shoes. If I were her, I might be doing the same thing too. Who on Earth could bear the pain of losing someone we love the most? Kimhan was doing it for her mother. She was trying her best to keep her mother healthy and alive…?

“Pie?” Fern’s voice broke my reverie. The moment I stared into her eyes again, she was already looking at me with a great feel of concern in her gaze.

“I met her mother a few days ago,” I blurted out just to get another gasping sound of surprised from Fern.

“You meet your mother-in-law?” I felt Fern’s grip tightened around my hand. The expression she held in her face was one unreadable. I couldn’t guess whether it was a pleasant surprise or vice versa. Fern hardly showed a rigid emotion. “How’s she? Is she nice? Did she know that you two are married? Did she treat you well?” Fern bombarded me with her questions.

“One at time, Fern.” I patted her head, calming the confused yet over excited Fern. She must have not expected that I would meet Kimhan’s mother who officially my mother-in-law. As much as it is difficult for Fern to learn about it at once, I still couldn’t believe it that I had actually met one of Kimhan’s family members. Considered it as a stepwise common thing whenever two families are being united through the marriage of their child, Fern must have seen that we took this marriage to a level ahead.

“Be serious, Pie. You met her mother and there must be something,” Fern couldn’t wait.

“It’s nothing much really. I visited her at the hospital and spent half of the day with her,” Again, I caught Fern’s startled expression. It was too much for her to learn about the situation while she was still clueless about everything. I guessed I needed to tell her into the details right away.

Fern listened to me as I explained to her the things which had led Kimhan and me into this marriage. She grew indignant when she knew P’Boy did it on purpose. I managed to convince her not to come to him and kill him right away. Things had occurred and we couldn’t rewind the past anyway. I did also explain the reason why Kim had to agree with the arrangement. Fern finally learned that Kimhan’s mother was terribly sick and needed the financial aid to support her treatment.

            “She didn’t know that you two are married?” Fern queried, seeming to connect every details of my tale into a coherent sense of logic.

            “I’m not sure about it but Kimhan said, her mother might aware of the awkward tension between us,” I shrugged.

            “What do you mean by the ‘awkward’ tension between the both of you?” Fern’s eyes squinted in a teasing way. “Does it mean a very tense ?” She wiggled her eyebrows and her upper lips on purpose.

            “You’re gross,” I shoved her head, inviting an outburst of laughing from her. “Are you expecting me to lusting after her? That was impossible,” Goosebumps rose through my skin. Never in my life had I ever imagined to be involved in a same relationship. It was absurd yet I was stuck in one right at the moment.

            “You don’t, but what about her?” Fern’s statement made me speechless. She was right. Kimhan’s nature was differed from mine. The way she dressed up, the way she carried herself and also the way she conducted her life were all different from a normal girl. I haven’t got the opportunity to ask her about her ual tendency but from my rough estimation I was sure she’s hundred percent attracted to girls.

            “There’s nothing to worry. I have warned her that I can’t reciprocate her feeling if she ever happened to develop a special feeling towards me. You should have known that I won’t let my guard down and no, she won’t be able to break down the wall,” I told her. Fern responded to it with a loud sarcastic scoff. She didn’t buy it.

            “What if, it happens that you are the one who begin to develop a special feeling towards her, Pie? What if the wall you’re creating around you would someday slowly melt down?” Fern brought up. There she went, taking me to a new arena of heated contemplation. I hated the ‘Ifs’ game. It would end up either me getting upset or pissed off or both.

            “That’s absurd,” I feigned a laugh. “It will never happen,” What if it was going to happen for real? No, it wouldn’t happen. How could I possibly fall in love with Kimhan? “I still want a perfect and normal family, Fern. I want… cute babies,” My eyes shifted to her belly. I have just remembered that my best friend is pregnant. She was lucky to have her dream family. She got a perfect husband and soon she would be a mother.

Fern traced my gaze and realized I was looking at her belly. She took my hand and placed it to the area around her womb. There was no significant change in her physical appearance yet. Her pregnancy was still too young.

            “You know, this little creature will be your child too,” She said. “We’ll always be here for you, Pie.” Fern saw the sudden change in my mood. Yes, I was upset all of sudden, thinking of what has gone wrong with my current life. My bright future was fading away and it might have been at the verge of shuttering. I was hopeless.

            “Thanks,” Was all I could utter to her.

            “Whatever you would choose later on, just know that you have my support Pie. Kimhan or without Kimhan, you life must goes on,” I was taken aback with what Fern had told me. The way she was hinting told me that I might have the possibility to choose Kimhan over anyone else. Did she expect me to be with Kimhan like… forever?

The loud clicking sound of the door being unlocked d