Park Bom

On one of the day in the past, I was scrolling on my ipad absentmindedly. Looking and surfing from website to website without giving much thought until something caught my eyes. It was unexpected and to be honest, it wasn't that outstanding either. It could have been someone's confession or some kind of opinion on the life, but still, it was stuck in my mind.

It said; "Sometimes in your life, you need lust. You need the adrenaline rush of knowing that this is not forever and that you're not committed to anything".

I kept starting at that phrase for a long time that day. Judging, thinking and in the end, even considering. I wanted to feel that rush, wanted to feel that kind of closeness with him even if it was just for lust. I was only 16 back then and he wouldn't even consider about being too much physical with me at that time. "You are still too young, baby. It's already a crime for me for falling for you". He would say that to me whenever I wanted more.

"What are you thinking too much about?"

"Hmmm" I snap out from my spacing and put down the coffee cup on the table before finally settling my eyes on the person across from me. My heart races and I feel myself flush. My breath shortens as I feel something flutters in my stomach. He always has that kind of power on me. And I'm always willing to surrender myself to him.

"And now you are staring" His voice is calm and teasing as he talks to me without looking up from the book he is reading. I don't even know the title of the book, but I already hate it. Because it has his complete attention right now.

"Oppa"

"Hmm" Again, he doesn't look at me. 

I pout and refuse to utter another word as I just keep staring at him. I know he would give in soon. I know he would because that's what he always does. He always gives in to me even when he isn't supposed to.

Finally, he sighs and making the bookmark on the current page he's reading, he eventually closes the book and looks up. "What's wrong, Bom?" He asks as he puts the book on the table and leans back on his chair to gaze at me. My heart goes wilder whenever he does that. Whenever he looks at me in that way. He looks at me as if I'm the reason of everything he believes in life. As if I'm the only existence for him.

I want to tell the person who wrote the phrase years back then. To feel the rush, I don't need lust. I'm 18 now and sure, I have already had with the man in front of me for countless times. But it was never about the lust. It was never about the purpose of feeling something high. Maybe that person didn't have someone who meant forever to him. It's sad and lonely when I think about that again.

Because the man in front of me always gives me the senses of security, warmth, love and the promise of forever. And he teaches me how to enjoy the moment, how to appreciate the things you have and how to respect yourself by taking the responsibility for everything you do. He's too much mature for me to handle, giving the fact that he's 6 years older. But I can't help it, can't help myself. I just fall deeper every single day and I never want to get out from this depth. No matter what others say.

"Well?" He a brow at me and smiles when I don't answer him for a long time. I love it when he smiles. Then he lets out a low chuckle when I blush. I feel stupid and in love at the same time. "Baby, what do you want?" He said teasingly and leans forward.

You. I want to answer. I only want you. But with the way his eyes seem to gleam, I know that he knows about that very well. "It's Valentine's day" I murmur under my breath.

"It is" He nods and tilts his head sideway to regards me with amusement. "So, what do you want?" There's that question again. He's bullying me. He knows that I still have some hard time to voice out the things I want from him. He knows that but he never fails to tease me or provoke me like this.

"It's already passed 9pm" I try another way and this time, he laughs softly. I love his laugher.

"So?"

"Oppa!" I groan and he laughs harder. Louder and louder and I smile. He seems happy. I love that he's happy.

Hangover is a . Well, to me she's a friendly I meet very often because we greet each other every ing morning. But when my mind actually starts to function normally, the first thing that cross in my brain isn't to groan at the pounding pain in my head nor the nasty taste in my mouth. It's the lost feeling. That empty hollow feeling in my chest.

He was in my dream again. I remember his laugher in there and his smiling face. But this time, I didn't have a chance to tell him that I love him. I love him. I ing love him. Why did I always forget to tell him every time I got the chance to meet him in my unconscious mind? Every ing time, I was always like an idiot and just staring at him greedily. But then, even on that day, because I was so stupid that I didn't say those words to him. I was so stupid and selfish that I didn't know it would be the last time to see him, to touch him, to hear his voice.

And just like that, I lost him. It hurts like a motherer. Next time, in next dream, I will make sure to tell him. And if I have another chance to meet him, even if it happens to be in another life, I will make sue to love him more than this. Is that possible?

Someone would wonder how I won't shed a tear with all the pain inside me. How I could stand all of these heartbreaks like this. The answer is, I don't know either. And I've given up since long time to look for the reason. But if they ask my therapist, I'm sure she would give something medical explanation though. Too bad that I don't remember anything she told me in our past appointments. Again, I don't care.

I crawl out from the bed and look around my room. It's been a long time since I slept in my own bed that I don't feel any attachment or warmth in this place. Instead I feel cold. After looking at the table clock on the nightstand, I rub my face tiredly. 7:15am. I can guess that I didn't sleep more than 4 hours. I don't remember how I got home last night but giving the fact that Cee was there with me, I'm sure she was the one who brought me back.

I walk over to the bathroom and step in there quietly. I need a shower. But before I can do anything, the reflection in the mirror caught my eyes and I step closer to it as I gaze my own image. I look like . My face too pale and my hair is in a tangled mess. There's no life in my eyes and I look skinnier than the last time I looked at myself carefully. I don't know how to feel about it.

Shaking my head, I look down at the jacket I'm wearing and frown. This is not mine. The frown goes deeper. I remember Cee was wearing this last night. Then where's my hoodie. The blurry image of the encountering with some girl comes back and I sigh. I did someth