I was faced down on my bed, hugging my wet pillow tightly. The tears formed a puddle-like cloud on the pillow that I hugged every night. I wanted to sleep. It was a long day and I was so tired. I faced the other way, my back on the bed. 

My eyes were closed and I realized that I was between awake and asleep. My mind began to drift into old memories, a past that I hadn't looked back in so long.

`

"Don't listen to them, Soori," I said to my best friend who sat right across from me. The boys of my high school were nothing but arrogant jerks who were actually losers. And they wondered why they couldn't get a hot girlfriend. "Soori, one day you will get the guy of your dreams. Now ignore these idiots."

Soori sighed and put her head down on the desk. "When will that be? When I'm old and married and my husband dies and I meet this new man?"

"Okay, no more of that old people talk. I'm just saying that the guy of your dreams is the guy that your heart will beat for."

Soori smiled. At least I said something smart enough for her to be smiling. "So...who will that guy be?"

I rolled my eyes. "Someday, Soori. Someday."

.

"Jiwan, please help us study!" Soori and I begged the smartest girl in our class. Finals were coming up and we weren't going to let anything get in the way of our dreams. By we, I mean Soori and I. We had the dreams of becoming doctors and becoming high-class together. But we didn't want to fail the exams together so we relied on Jiwan to be the one to help us pass.

She crossed her arms and looked at us with doubt. "Are you sure you're really going to study?"

Soori and I nodded in unison, making a silent promise that we will try our best. Jiwan raised an eyebrow and sighed. "Just don't be such a distraction. We can only study at my house. The library is a big distraction itself."

Soori laughed, remembering when we tried to study with Jiwan there. But what we could clearly remember was our skills of checking out hot guys that were surely smart since they were studying. It was a whole group of hot guys. Jiwan finally got annoyed and left. We couldn't understand how she couldn't stop for a second and check out those guys.

"Fine, fine," I said. "Your house, got it."

"Tomorrow," she added. "After school. Be prepared to be focused, okay?"

.

"Your house is bigger than I expected!" Soori said as we entered Jiwan's house.

"Umma! I'm home!" she shouted. Jiwan welcomed us to the kitchen where her mom and some other person was making something. Soori and I drooled as we smelled the scent floating in the kitchen. "Oh, oppa, you're here too? Where's Hyeonbae-oppa?"

"He'll come soon," the one that Jiwan had called 'oppa' turned around and said. I was taken back by the face of the gorgeous person. I noticed that Soori gasped as well. I looked at him and noticed the firm jawline and the way he smiled at us, somewhere in my heart seemed to stop working. Then I noticed that the shirt he wore was perfect on him and I felt like I was in heaven. I finally knew what it meant to see a perfect appearance.

Soori nudged Jiwan and she smiled. "This is Youngbae-oppa, he's my cousin. Oppa, these are my friends, Jaeyan and Soori."

He nodded and gave us a dazzling smile, his eyes thinning into a line. I smiled back. Boy, he was cute.

"We're just going to study."

"Okay, we'll call you when we're done cooking."

"Great!" Jiwan said and headed off to another room. She took us to her room and we began to set up our group study. But instead of thinking about all the math problems on the sheet paper in front me, I began to think about Jiwan's cousin, Youngbae.

.

"We're done!" I yelled and stretched back. I finally answered the multiple questions that I couldn't answer. Soori stood up and began to pack her bags.

"Well, I'm going home. It's already late."

I nodded and stuffed my binder in my bag. "I'll walk with you."

"It's okay, I'm getting picked up. I'm visiting my grandma today," she replied. That meant that I had to walk by myself. Great. I didn't want to have to ask Jiwan to walk with me because it meant that she'll have to go home by herself back.

"Okay..." I said quietly. "I should go home, too."

"You're walking by yourself?"

"It's okay."

"Wait," she said and went out for a minute as Soori and I began to talk.

"Youngbae-oppa... Oh my gawd! He's the iest boy I've ever seen! And has the best smile!" So that meant that Soori had her eyes on him. I just nodded quietly. I was about to add more about how he was so polite and his cooking skills were perfection when Jiwan returned.

"Jaeyan-ah, I didn't want you to walk home alone so I asked Youngbae-oppa to walk you. I hope that's okay with you." I looked at her for a second before giving a quiet reply, "Yeah, sure..."

OHMAN. I was going to walk with Youngbae? Jiwan gave me an unsure look. "You'll be safe with him! I promise. He's a good guy. I would walk with you but I'm going with Hyeonbae-oppa. I'll go with you next time."

I shook my head, insisting that I was fine. More like I was afraid people were going to attack him. And by people I DIDN'T mean me. I'd be too shy.

.

"So Jaeyan," he said, trying to make conversation probably. I smiled. He remembered my name! "You're classmates with Jiwanie?"

I nodded. "She's helping me study for exams. I'm really grateful." Was I too boring? I was panicking about what to say and what not to say.

"Yeah, Jiwanie is a smart girl. She sometimes help me with the stuff I learn in college." He's a college student. I applauded in my head. A guy who was perfect in appearance, polite, and a guy who studies. But I didn't have anything to say now. "Keep an eye on her. She might not look like the type to be running off with some guy, but she does have an interest in them. She just gets too shy."

I giggled. So Jiwan had something like that. I thought that she had some kind of disgust in boys or something but she was just shy. I understood that feeling, after all, I was feeling it right now. 
"I'll keep an eye on her. And I'll make sure that whoever comes, he'll be good enough for her."

"Yeah, Jiwan has very good points and I don't want some stupid guy to take my spot." Did he have a cousin-complex? It wasn't a complete turn-off. "She's like a little sister. She doesn't have any siblings either, so..."

"I kind of wish I had a younger sister instead of an older one. She's such a bad influence," I said.

"Or an older brother. He's no fun when he thinks he's so mature," he agreed. And we laughed. I felt like I had a good time with the guy. We continued to talk about anything and everything, and all I can remember was just laughing when I was with him. I frowned at the sight of the nicely lit up house on the left. It was my time to go. We walked up to the door and I had my keys out but I turned to face him.

"Thanks for walking me home. Be careful on your way back," I said, smiling. Was I too obvious about this silly little feeling? He smiled back, making my heart flutter.

"No problem and hey, if you need anyone to walk you home, I'll be here. Just call me up," he said.

"Yeah, because I'll just say, I want a walk home and you'll appear," I said, rolling my eyes. He took out his phone and smiled.

"Call me and I'll be here. I'm available on weeknights and weekends." He was grinning and I took out my phone. We successfully exchanged numbers. "I'll be careful. It's not like I'll get attacked."

"I don't know, maybe girls will appear and attack you."

"Why would they attack me?"

"I don't know, because you're so great and—" I stopped myself before I embarrassed myself any further. I realized that I was rambling on about my REAL thoughts and feelings.

He began to laugh. What did he think of the little Park Jaeyan now?! 
"I'm great and...? Why'd you stop? Isn't there more?"

I bit my lip and looked away. "Jaeyan?" The way he called my name, I was tempted to look at him and smile. Good thing I was too shy and embarrassed to.

"I'm, uh, going in now... I, uh... yeah. Thanks again. Youngbae-ssi," I said quickly and tried to get the keys inside. I had to stop the shaking of my hands to be able to get it in when I felt someone's hands take over the keys. I could feel the close breath.

"Take it easy," he said, chuckling. He got the keys to fit in the hole and turned it. "There you go. I'll see you some time. Bye."

He waved at me and left while I entered the door, slowly closing it behind me. My heart throbbed like crazy. Was it just me or was Youngbae really good at making my heart beat?

`

The flashback of how I first met him made my heart flutter again. I missed those days. But how was I supposed to go back? I couldn't. 
Sometimes I wished that the one heart can stick to one guy forever. I wish that once someone made your heart beat, you can't remove it until the connection was broken. But I guess that was what was missing. The connection. 
I connected with someone else. Choi Seunghyun.

`

E N D ; O O 9