‘I promise you, hyung . . . I’ll always be here . . . I’ll take the pain away.’

   Said one stupid boy to the other crying stupid boy, a long time ago.
   That’s all we were then, and maybe even now . . . stupid boys in love.
   Sometimes I wish that I’d never even chosen this career in the first place; that I simply lived a normal life in Seoul. That way, I’d never have met this stupid boy. That way, the only time I’d see him was on TV or an internet video, or even on a poster in my bedroom, but I’d never know him. I’d fall in love with the face and that would be the end of it.
   But I lived with him.
   I ate, slept, showered, dressed, danced, laughed and cried with him. And I fell in love with much more than a face.
   The stupid boy stopped his car and reached over to ‘wake’ me up, but I wasn’t asleep. “Chansung-ah.” He spoke my name so softly it hurt.
   I looked up and rubbed my eyes. “Oh, thank’s hyung. I’ll be done in an hour.”
   “I’ll be here.” He said as I got out of the car and stepped towards the JYP building.
   For some godforsaken reason I stopped. Maybe I just wanted to see him again, just to see proof that he actually just gave me a ride here and I didn’t imagine the whole thing while walking myself. I turned around and saw him sitting in the car, I smiled. He’s come a long way. I thought to myself as I walked into the building and went up to Jin-Young hyung’s office.
   I couldn’t focus on the meeting at all.
   The only thing I could think about was Junsu.
   My mind had been going crazy since last night. Junsu had been acting strange and everyone noticed it. Was it Changmin hyung? I balled my fists and sighed at the thought of Junsu liking that jerk . . . he wasn’t really a jerk, but anyone that would steal my hyung would definitely be labeled a jerk to me.
   But it was more than just that.
   Junsu actually offered to drive me here. That was weird. Did that mean he was trying to open up to me? After kissing Changmin, he was finally noticing me?
   That mental image was going to scar me for life. Not because Changmin’s lips were all over Junsu’s . . . but because Junsu actually looked like he enjoyed it.
   Anger.
   I was usually a well tempered and calm guy, but that stupid boy was the only one that ever made me feel anger. I loathed the effects he had on me. And I loathed even more the fact that he was so ing oblivious of his effects on me. He really was stupid.
   Yet you still love every stupid thing about him . . .I could have shunned myself for that thought.
   When the meeting was over, Jin-Young and I both stood up and he laid a hand on my shoulder. “You okay, Chansung?” He was concerned, as always. “You seem really out of it. Are you sleeping enough?”
   I looked down and sighed. “Ne, hyung . . . I’m okay.”
      He let it go. Park Jin-Young was the master of intuition and knowing when and when not to push certain topics. I’m sure by how he’d long since noticed my infatuation with the eldest member of my band.
   Everyone noticed it.
   Nichkhun was the first to talk to me about it, way back before we even debuted. Apparently because everyone in the band had thought I was straight back then. After that, Taec and Junho asked, and then Wooyoung.
   Hell, even Jaebum hyung noticed. When Rain left JYP Entertainment, Jaebum became very protective over Junsu hyung, which was annoying as hell. But he threatened to kick me in the balls if I didn’t give Junsu ‘time to get over things’.
   I sighed, putting my hands in my pockets as I walked down to the lobby to wait for Junsu to pick me up. Part of me didn’t think he’d make it.
   My phone vibrated in my pocket.
   I picked it up without looking to see who it was. “Chansung-ah, I’m outside~” Junsu’s cheerful voice rang through the phone.
   I’d never twitched with shock before, but somehow I managed it. “H-Hyung . . . I’ll be right there.” I closed my phone and stepped outside, looking around and spotting his car not too far from the doors.
   Junsu rolled the window down and smiled. “Get in~ We have a filming to go to.”
   I bit my lip and got in the car.
   When we were training, I would have given anythingfor him to see me, but he never did. When he was spending all those nights in agony, I would wish for him to open his wet eyes and see that I was there, but he refused to.
   So I simply accepted this, and gotten used to the fact that he ignored me.
   Why was he suddenly seeing me?
   I didn’t know, and it annoyed me almost as much as it scared me.
   Everyone was already waiting for us at the studio. I sighed and put on my best fake smile as we finally began shooting our TV show.
   Some would call it fate . . . or bad luck, but I ended up on a team with Jo Kwon, Taecyeon and none other than – drum roll please – Junsu. And for some reason, he kept standing next to me and trying to do all that lovey-dovey fan service with me.
   He was becoming more and more confusing as time went on.
   In the end, I simply ignored him and tried to focus on keeping my smile believable.
   “Alright guys, that’s a wrap!” Taec yelled through the studio with a big grin when the filming was finally over. “Let’s go get food, I’m starving.”
   Everyone approved of this idea and gathered around, debating on what to eat.
   “I’m . . . I’m just gonna go home,” I mumbled . “I’m tired.”
   Nichkhun eyed me with that ‘are you okay?’ look of his. I nodded at him and couldn’t help but laugh when Taec pouted. “I wanted to challenge you to an eating contest . . . I was full at our last one so you had the advantage.” He tried to convince me to stay.
   “Guys,” I held up my hands and shook my head. “I’m really out of it right now . . . I’ll see you when you get back.” I headed towards the doors.
   “Actually, I’m tired too!” Junsu said just before I reached the door. I stopped and closed my eyes before turning to face him with a smile. “I’ll take you home, dongsaeng.” He walked up to me, happily.
   I stared at him, working to keep my horror to myself. He wants to kill me, I’m sure of it. “Thanks hyung!” I grinned and let him link his arm with mine as we walked out.
   He tried to make small talk with me in the car, if I wasn’t so amazed I probably would have laughed at how awkward he was.
   “That was fun today, wasn’t it?” He smiled, bobbing his head to the random song playing on the radio.
   I looked out the window. “Yeah.”
   “Are you hungry, we should probably stop somewhere on the way home.”
   “If I was hungry, I would have just stayed with everyone back at the studio.” I mumbled against the glass of the window.
   He became quiet, so I looked over at him.
   I blinked.
   His face was an open book to me, so I knew immediately that he was nervous, and scared . . . he was probably cursing at himself in his head. He was sad. My hyung was sad. “Hyung,” I frowned. “Actually, I’m in the mood for sushi.” I lied, knowing he wouldn’t be able to see through it.
   He glanced over at me and I smiled, hoping it would comfort him.
   “Sushi’s my favorite.” He blushed and kept driving.
   I knew that.
   We stopped at the sushi bar around the corner from our apartment building and then quickly made our way up to our dorm. Junsu unlocked the door as I held the food, flicking the lights on as we stepped into the empty dorm.
   I was so glad that Changmin and Jinwoon had their own schedules today and weren’t here. Though, that meant that I would have to be alone with Junsu until the guys got back from dinner, whenever that would be. Knowing them, they’d probably stay out drinking.
   “Chansung-ah.” I looked up when Junsu spoke to me. “Let’s eat~” He smiled and handed me a pair of chopsticks.
   I took them, even though my nerves were shot to hell and I really couldn’t eat right now. But I’d at least try. I sat down at the table across from where he was and ate slowly.
   Junsu noticed that I wasn’t eating. “Dongsaeng, here . . . try this!” He smiled and picked up part of a salmon roll with his chopsticks, dipping it in sauce and then leaning over to feed me. “Ahhh~” He smiled and waited for me to open my mouth.
    I stared at him until he frowned and sat back down, eating the salmon roll himself. “Why are you like this?” I finally could the voice to ask, hoping I could hide my frustration.
   “Why am I like what?” He looked down.
   “Why do you suddenly see me?” I spoke calmly, even though my mind was going crazy and it felt like my emotions were on fire. “Why . . . after years and years. . . do you suddenly see me?”
   He looked up at me and I felt like the biggest when I saw the tiny drips of tears around his eyes. “I’m sorry . . . I didn’t mean . . . I’m sorry, I’ll go.” He got up from the table and started to walk away.
   I grabbed his arm before he could get out of reach and stood up. “You can’t just run away!” I yelled, angry . . . and confused. “That’s all you ever do, you run away and hide from your problems, and it ends up hurting you. I’m not gonna let you run away from me.”
   He looked back, speechless.
   I sighed, letting go of his hand. “You treat this like it’s a game . . . you break hearts, and then hide in misery. Now you’re treating me . . . kindly.” I looked away, clenching my jaw. “Too kindly.”
   “I’m sorry.” He whispered.
   “Why?!” I yelled again. “Why do you do this?! What do you want from me, hyung?” I leaned closer to him, feeling my face soften as I finally let go of that anger and then felt nothing but sadness. “What do you want me to do?”
   He looked me in the eyes for a long time, I thought he wouldn’t answer so I sighed and backed away a little, but he threw his arms around me before I could get too far.
   I froze, feeling the defenses I had built around my heart shatter when his lips touched mine and screamed out every profanity I knew in my head. He didn’t let me go, he just clung to me until I had no choice but to kiss him back.
   His soft lips moved with mine in a perfect dance as I felt his tongue slip into my mouth, pulse quickening painfully. My hands slid down to his waist and I was thoroughly surprised to hear him moan from the action. This drove me crazy and I suddenly attacked his lips harder, kissing him with all the passion and desire I had stored up over the torturous time that I’d known him.
   When we were both out of breath, we broke the kiss.
   He slowly slid back down from his tip toes and stood in front of me.
   I stared down at him wide eyed, hands still on his waist.
   “I . . .” He whispered and then frowned. “I’m sorry!” Then he ran away, ripping my heart away with him as he ran into the bathroom and closed the door.
   I couldn’t even blink.
   Did that really just happen? I must have been dreaming. This was all some terrible, sick, demented and ed up dream.
   How could he do that to me? He really didn’t care that he just walked away after breaking me down to the very core. He truly was cruel.
   Cruel and stupid.
   And I was now even more in love with him than I ever thought I could be.

To be continued . . .