Sakura's Journal #4

The Barbarian's Cherry Blossom

Boyar Vlado of Tuniki:

"Father always told me he was the scariest of the Gimaelics. But he humbled him in a duel with his kingship on the line. He was exiled to Baizan where he tries to find redemption by leading the acolytes of the Red Church."-Rainoric Eadwulf

"Blood....for the Blood Mother!"-Boyar Vlado of Tuniki

"Sinners are not worthy of life! They must be purged so that those who do deserve the Mother's blessing can live."- Boyar Vlado of Tuniki

Boyar(Prince) Vlado was the previous ruler of the Gimaelic province of Tuniki. He is a devote follower and user of the Red Church and he deems himself 'The Pride of Samane' due to his insatiable bloodlust and mastery of Red Dust that is comparable to Samhane Haligtide.

He was so powerful that he became brash and arrogant. He challenged the ruling of King Gewis 1000 years ago.

In Gimael a king can be brought down from power through a no holds-barred battle to the death duel. But Vlado lost and Gewis decided that his prowess with Red Dust is too great to be wasted by a killing blow. So Vlado was stripped off his titles and properties (though he insists he still calls himself 'Boyar') and was sent in exile to Baizan Island.

There he met Bishop Miroslaw and they formed the new Red Church where they establish both a hospital for patients who either consently or non-consently. They also began a millenia search of Samhane's hidden mauseleom which is hidden in the island.

He has wields two swords. A chainsword for combat since he wants to she as much blood as possibe so he may absorb its essences and a sabre called 'Lubyanka' reserved for rituals and the occassional duels.

 

Bishop Miroslaw:

"Life must be painted with perfection. Sometimes I find people who reject it and embrace their retarded flaws. I do not wish for them to be scared of me forever. I just want to give them.... a second chance.....whether they like it or not."-Miroslaw

"I can create perfection! But why do people reject it?"-Miroslaw

"Red Dust is the what makes creation alive. Bow before its mastery over all things that breathes."-Miroslaw

 

A briliant surgeon, Bishop Miroslaw is a real life Doctor Blackjack. (And if you don't know who he is, he is a fictional doctor who can cure anything. Come to me and I'll give you one of his books to read ok?)

He can perform miraculous surgeries at seemingly impossible cases where most doctors back in Earth would deem hopeless. I recall that when my friend Paruru-san was forced to have a lung transplant for her asthma-prone lung. He stated to her that he both despises and pities sick people. So he would cure them with the help of Red Dust and occasionally a 'donated' body part from one of his many victims.

He hides is zombie-like facade with a red monk robe he wears often.

He genuinely believes he is doing the right thing by curing people using medically unethical ways.

He has volunteered to join the Vanoran-sponsored Merchant Expedition with Jira once the fleet is built and ready to fly.

 

The Red Dust Church:

"Blood and Creation must not be tainted by the sins of those who wish to dictate how ones life should last."-Samhane Haligtide

The Red Dust Church of Baizan is a cult-like group of Broken Lords who function both as a brutally efficient hospital and a unpredictable and ruthless assassin's guild. Their creed says that they must hunt down people who are guilty of killing people and I feel scared just by what these people are capable of doing.

Rena told me they can make your heart explode, turn your insides to the wrong side of your ribcage, and even just rip out all of your organs in your chest in one pull.

Several of the Broken Lords would pack life energies and Dust into the rotting and decomposing flesh of their victims. Then they would sew those parts into vessels that they can transfer their souls to. This makes the Red Broken Lords, the most human looking of the Broken Lords in the aspect of visuals alone. Yet they are arguably the scariest.

Their current headquarters is an excavated cave by a mountain in Baizan Island which functions as a fortress and a hospital for Miroslaw's gruesome yet intriguing experiments and surgeries.

 


 

 

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Amalya
#1
Chapter 6: Hmm. So things are certainly unfolding at a quick pace here. It's a little bit tricky keeping track of things because the forces were jumping around on Earth, showing up in one place when they were apparently expected in another, and the defenses against the intruders seem pretty ineffective. I know they're space faring warriors but couldn't we get a little more detail beyond 'necklaces' that protect them. How exactly do these things protect them?

I do like how you've been explaining more and giving more detail as the story progresses, so that's definitely something, but I have noticed a relative habit of how your voice suddenly jumps in to mention how this will be important later or explains something in the now and it's jarring. You could have one of the characters explain things mid-story, or even use the non-dialogue space to add world details that wouldn't pull the reader out of the moment when they're reading.

I was also a little confused by Rainoric's reaction to Sakura because he, and his people/friends, seem to be treating slaves with remarkable manners. But who knows. Maybe that's just the way they treat beings so far below them. *shrug* I also would prefer if you actually did more showing instead of telling with your battle scenes as opposed to saying "I'll let you use your imagination here." It comes off as lazy writing. I can imagine plenty, but I still want guidelines when you're showing me your world and what's happening in it. Do you know what I mean?

In this chapter, I was also curious when Sakura hit her head? I didn't catch that so I was surprised when she was suddenly waking up from a week long coma. :S But things are slowly starting to come together and while I'm not sure what the larger, central conflict of the world is going to be just yet, you seem to have tension aplenty between the people as a warrior race, if nothing else.
Amalya
#2
Chapter 3: Okay. So I'm just starting to read this and while I probably won't comment on every chapter, I do intend to pause every so often. I think the image in the character bio page is broken since I can't see the picture at all. I'm personally not a huge fan of character bios in the beginning of the story myself but in this case, I do think it's helpful information since most of the characters are almost completely new (goodness knows I've never heard of most of them haha).

For this chapter, I have at least begun to get an idea of what's going on in the story, though I find myself wishing for more description. What do these people look like? What sorts of mannerisms do they have, other than surprising knockouts when someone is apparently talking too long? Are they all humanoid? Do any of them talk with accents? These kinds of things. I did appreciate the explanations at the bottom of the chapter, though I also think you might have been able to work them into the story. While I also appreciate you have linked the information available for us to read up on the Endless game series, it's also something I tend to think you may want to work on incorporating more yourself. Then again, I don't know if you were expecting people to be familiar with the Endless game series if they found your story, so that could just be me at the moment.

I would say be careful with some of your spellings since I noticed a few mistakes here and there, but overall, things are easy enough to understand. I'm curious to see how the rest of the world/story unfolds with that tag you've added at the end of this update in regards to world changing consequences. heh We shall see.
UltimateLockSmith
#3
Chapter 37: Wow... Annya became a sacrifice... Rena's well... both her and Jurina in one go.... ....
fenrirabyss
#4
Chapter 36: OMG awesome update 10/10 OMG Jurina what are you doing!?!?!?!
fenrirabyss
#5
Chapter 34: Why?....I dont know what to do now......T^T
RukaKikuchi
#6
Chapter 34: *speechless* *tears flowing* Why...? T^T
RukaKikuchi
#7
Chapter 33: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! TT_____TT
RukaKikuchi
#8
Chapter 32: WOAH! This is a new kind of body swap... uh, if you can count it that. XD
Update soon! *bows*
RukaKikuchi
#9
Chapter 24: O_________O Holy freaking crap......
UltimateLockSmith
#10
Chapter 8: Hey, for your question an adding another character from AKB, I want SKEs Takayanagi Akane... In some action fanfics I've read with Churi, she fights hard... One Fic I've read, Churi had a fudging jet XD