“I call you baby
because I can't remember your name
we smoke French cigarettes
and talk little deaths
All the flowers inside my house
are made of plastic
you will never know.”

[0:04] 0211: hey i know this sounds super annoying but

[0:04] 0211: ugh you probably don’t even want to hear this

[0:06] loveyourz: what happened???? u know i’m here for anything, don’t you? so tell me whats up

[0:06] 0211: … i want to disappear

[0:06] 0211: run away

[0:07] 0211: or maybe… i don’t know

[0:08] 0211: nvm

[0:08] loveyourz: oh

[0:09] loveyourz: listen to me you don’t want to do that and you wont do it.

[0:10] loveyourz: please tell me you’re still here please please

[0:10] loveyourz: please don’t do anything

[0:10] loveyourz: i’d miss u if u ever went away. how r we supposed to meet if you leave? pplease don’t do anything stupid u know i care, someone cares… what would i ever do without you?

[0:12] loveyourz: chan?

❀ ❀ ❀

Soonyoung woke up on Friday morning with an excited smile on his face – not only this day was probably going to be the best day of his life (he always said so when he had a basketball game) but the cute guy Seokmin had introduced him to was going to be a part of it. He felt butterflies for the nervousness that always came with the pressure of a game, and thought about how Lee Jihoon had left such a strong impression on him the day before.

Maybe he was rushing things, but Jihoon was so goddamn adorable to let him go so easily.

Soonyoung didn’t care if he came off as a straight-forward, strange person – the other didn’t seem to mind (why would he?) and Soonyoung definitely didn’t mind asking him out already because really, Soonyoung thought Jihoon was incredibly cute and intriguing and maybe just what he needed: a distraction.  

The blond smiled widely as he remember his first encounter with the other; how Jihoon’s gaze always followed the floor after a few minutes of talking, like he was flustered and nervous to be around Soonyoung, and how he seemed to be looking for the perfect words to say to him.

Lee Jihoon was not only cute, but probably the most attractive person he had ever put his eyes on before, which had caused him to stutter when he tried to invite him to his basketball game. He blamed Jihoon and his ridiculously pretty smile for distracting him.

Soonyoung genuinely felt like Jihoon would be good for him for a while – he was interesting and the few words he had said a day before had left Soonyoung hanging already. It was easy to realize Soonyoung was attracted to him, but who wouldn’t be, honestly?

First of all: Lee Jihoon had pink hair, which made his appearance even cuter, and he wore this big sweater yesterday… everyone knew Soonyoung loved big sweaters on other people a lot – when Wonwoo used chunky sweaters and hid his fingers in the sleeves of them Soonyoung couldn’t do anything but glare at him because he wasn’t supposed to find his best friend cute, not only because he was his best friend, but because he was Jeon Wonwoo.

Soonyoung smiled as he thought about that, and decided it wasn’t time to think about the black-haired guy and focused on Jihoon once again. It was early enough for Soonyoung to spend a few more minutes lying on his bed while he thought about the pink-haired boy with the adorable smile.

Going back to Jihoon; Soonyoung remembered how Seokmin had pointed at him and talked about how great he was, and the fact that Soonyoung could not do anything but secretly swoon over his appearance as Seokmin told him about the other.

Lee Jihoon was different, he could tell. Not only personality-wise: Jihoon seemed like someone Soonyoung would actually try to figure out about, but he also meant it about his looks… Jihoon was really different. His beauty wasn’t measured in the way he styled his hair or the way his eyebrows fit his face – he wasn’t one of all those guys with perfect skin and height that ended up looking like the same person – his beauty wasn’t conventional, but different… Soonyoung couldn’t put his finger on it but there was something that attracted him to the pink-haired boy even since the first time he saw him.

There was definitely something, something else on his eyes and he wasn’t sure of what it was yet. He didn’t know, and neither did he knew how to feel when he saw Jihoon’s gaze freezing in one place as if he was thinking deeply for a while, and how that small action had taken Soonyoung’s breathe away. And that small smile Jihoon had drawn on his face as if he thought Soonyoung was silly...

Soonyoung didn’t mind one bit about that.

It was only day one but he didn’t mind what the reason for Jihoon’s smile was as long as it was because of him.

The blond was almost sure Lee Jihoon wasn’t real.

… Or that he was an invention someone created just for him.

Soonyoung smirked, shook his strange-as-always thoughts off his head and started getting ready for school at the early hour of 6:00 a.m.

The blond wanted to leave an impression on Jihoon as good as he had done to him, so he styled his hair with even more dedication this time, chose an outfit he was sure and Jihoon would love and brushed his teeth twice, and when he decided he was ready enough to leave his house (not without checking himself out in the mirror for a few minutes) he went down the stairs and was received with a smile and an apple from his mom.

Soonyoung loved his mom, but the expectant smile on her face was giving him the creeps. She confused him even more when she raised an eyebrow as if she was expecting him to say something.

She hadn’t asked anything, had she? Soonyoung frowned.

“Uh…?”

“Why are you still here, Soonyoung?” His mom asked, her overly-sweet voice filled with curiosity.

Soonyoung raised both of his eyebrows as if it was obvious, and tilted his head as if he didn’t understand what she truly meant.

“Oh, Soonyoung…” His mom frowned, “Don’t tell me you’re waiting for your brother to come down.”

Soonyoung glared at his mom with a stern look. He had found her reaction way too exaggerated for what he was doing, and the blond didn’t understand at all why she looked like she had given up for a lot of time now.  

“Yes? Mom he is 15 years old and school is not that close from here.”

Mrs. Kwon rolled her eyes, sighing exasperatedly when she realized Soonyoung wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. “It’s getting late, Soonyoung. You know that he is not going.”

“Well he is not if I leave him here, mom.” Soonyoung squinted his eyes, and let out a breathy laugh when his mom said nothing else.

“Tell him something came up, then.” He sighed, “I had something to do, anyway…” Soonyoung mumbled and took his backpack lazily.

His mom smiled once again and nodded, waving her hands in front of her to say goodbye to him.

Soonyoung gave her a smile back, but both of them knew it wasn’t a real one.

❀ ❀ ❀

Soonyoung felt more nervous as the hours and the classes passed: he was anxious because of the game and not being able to show it to his other teammates because he didn’t want to make them even more nervous wasn’t helping at all. The only remotely good thing that had happened in the day was seeing his brother in the halls of the school and Jihoon a few minutes later; wearing a ridiculously adorable crewneck that had something written in English that Soonyoung couldn’t decipher at all because he was absolute in the language. The blond had smiled brightly at him, and Jihoon had raised his hand to greet him and gave him a small smile, apparently still awkward around him.

He really hoped Jihoon had realized he had dressed up for him.

The blond sighed dreamily as he thought about it, leaning into the cafeteria table he was sitting in. Soonyoung didn’t mind the weirded-out looks his friends were giving him – he’d think they would have gotten used to Soonyoung’s strange attitude already.

“Dude you’re creeping me out.” Someone next to him said.

Soonyoung turned his head to the left to look at Mingyu, who was frowning at him as if he had suddenly grown two heads.

“What are you thinking about? Are you worried about the game?” Mingyu asked, raising his eyebrows with curiosity, and stealing Soonyoung’s personal space as he leaned to the table to look at him with squinted eyes.

“The game? No! There’s nothing to worry about the game, you idiot.” Soonyoung said and smiled reassuringly at the brunette, although the mention of said thing made the butterflies on his stomach to writhe.

Mingyu smiled back at him. Soonyoung knew Mingyu was thankful that the captain of the team was trying to be calm, but his grin was gone as soon as it came, and frowned once again as if he was trying to enter in Soonyoung’s mind.

“Then what’s wrong? Is it… Seungkwan?” The tan boy asked hesitantly, and bit his lower lip as he waited for an answer.

Seungkwan.

Soonyoung gave him a small smile and shook his head.

“Do you remember about what I texted you yesterday?” The blond asked his friend, “About the guy I met in gym class? You were there…”

“Oh, yes! The one that almost left you unconscious… Jinyoung?”

“It’s Jihoon, but yeah,” Soonyoung said, and laughed a little, “Well… I don’t know. I invited him to the game and he agreed to go, and I don’t know why, but I am nervous...”

Mingyu opened his mouth widely, looking like a fish out of water and totally not like the attractive person he was a few minutes ago.

“You? Nervous about a guy?” Mingyu said, looking genuinely surprised about what the blond had said.

Soonyoung bit his inferior lip, nodding shyly.

“Shut up, Kim Mingyu.”

“I don’t care… I am not that nervous,” The blond said, rolling his eyes when he saw Mingyu’s mocking face. “Seokmin told me he didn’t date high school boys, anyways…” He mumbled, huffing.

Mingyu could only laugh.

Soonyoung wanted to glare at Mingyu until he burned little holes in his apparently perfect face, or at least until he shut up, but instead of that he cleared his throat to gain his attention.

“Is Wonwoo still not talking to you?”

Mingyu nodded with his head, “We talked on Monday though.”

“He will go to the game and after that we’ll talk about what happened…” Mingyu said under his breath, Soonyoung realized he might have pushed the issue a little bit further than he wanted to, so he tried to fix things by smiling widely and touching his shoulders.

“That’s great, Mingyu! I miss his cheers for us in the games,” He said, “I hope that after this game he’ll keep coming.”

Mingyu nodded again, “Me too.” He mumbled and looked next to him as if Wonwoo would appear out of thin air.

What he saw wasn’t what he expected, though.

And instead of small eyes and black hair, he found long, blond hair and round eyes looking at him expectantly.

Mingyu’s reaction when he realized the person next to him wasn’t his best friend made Soonyoung feel bad about the brunette.

Mingyu looked to Soonyoung with raised eyebrows and Soonyoung gave him a little smile, before jumping in his seat when he heard his name through the speakers hanging in the walls.

“Kwon Soonyoung please report to the principal’s office.”

Nobody in the table kept quiet like the first time his name was ever called from the speakers – and now it was Mingyu’s time to smile at him reassuringly as he stood up from where he was seating.

“Good luck.” Mingyu whispered, and Soonyoung just sighed and rolled his eyes in frustration.

What had happened this time?

❀ ❀ ❀

“Mr. Kwon your brother is out of control!” The principal, Han Sungsoo, exclaimed, and clenched his fists in frustration when the youngest of the Kwons let out a sarcastic laugh.

Soonyoung glared at his brother, making him shut up almost instantly.

The blond sighed, afraid on the inside that this was the last time the principal gave his brother an opportunity. There had been a lot of warnings before – Soonyoung knew it, and the principal had said it too.

Worrying about his younger brother’s future was something that he had started doing when he saw the principal’s red face as he entered to his office.

“I know, Mr. Han, I apologize for his behavior, he– I just don’t know what’s going on to him lately!”

“Why do you keep talking about me like that?! I’m here!”

“Oh my god, shut up, this is not the moment for you to do this, Chan.” Soonyoung said, rolling his eyes and focusing on the angry principal in front of them.

“Soonyoung I’ve told you many times before that if this continued happening he’d be expelled from this institution,” The principal said, pointing his finger at the younger.

“I told you, Kwon Chan. But you broke the rules once again and decided to ditch class once again.” Mr. Han said, breathing in and out to control his anger.

“And not only that– you decided to take a female student with you to your little secret place? You’re lucky we found you in the corridors, mister.”

Soonyoung frowned, “You were where with who?”

“I would never take someone like her there.” Chan said, puffing his cheeks.

Said action made Soonyoung to remember when Chan was a little kid, and did the gesture to make their parents know he was angry with them. It reminded Soonyoung about Chan’s little giggles and his toothless grins, and how he missed him being just a little kid who didn’t had anything to worry about.

Everything that had happened to them hit Chan differently, and Soonyoung felt somehow guilty for not being able to protect him from it when it happened.

“That’s not the point here, Mr. Kwon; you realize your grades are too low to be in this institution already? You were such a smart kid, Chan, what happened?”

“You wouldn’t like to know.” Chan smiled at him, his eyes never leaving the principal’s.

“Enough.” The principal sighed, rubbing his temples in frustration, “Soonyoung what are we going to do about this?”

With eyebrows raised in expectation, the principal looked into Soonyoung’s eyes to make clear not much could be done, but Soonyoung was hoping for the best.

“Please don’t expel my brother, sir.” The blond said as he looked down, closing his eyes tightly and practically begging him.

“The school has had enough, Soonyoung.” He said, and Soonyoung frowned, looking to Chan only to find him also looking to the floor.

“Please, sir,” Soonyoung pleaded, “You know about my brother’s potential to do better, to be better…” He said, looking at Chan when he said so.

“Just give us another opportunity, Mr. Han.”

The principal grimaced, looking back and forth to Soonyoung and Chan.

“If I do it… Chan has to improve his grades. If I don’t expel him his grade will make him fail the year, and it will be the same as just doing it, Soonyoung.”

“I won’t expel him if he gets better grades,” He promised.

“Yes, sir! Thank you so much!”

“You have one month to prove me he is worth the headache, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung nodded eagerly.

“One month,” He concluded, sighing, “You’re both excused, you can leave now.”

❀ ❀ ❀

The day hadn’t gone as smooth as Soonyoung had wanted it to be; his headache was killing him when he got to his house, and retired to his bedroom without even smiling at his parents or glaring at Chan before.

One month… wasn’t a lot of time for someone like Chan to improve on his grades, but Soonyoung was determined to help him. The pain on his head didn’t prevent the blond to worry about his younger brother; it made him wonder and think about solutions and ways to get the old Chan back, which smiled despite everything and was more mature than him.

Chan used to be the one who glared at him before! The blond laughed, turning around in his bed with his mind wandering around about every issue he had at the moment.

His headache wasn’t going anywhere, but it was the lump on his throat that he found uncomfortable. He hadn’t wanted to think about what had been going on but there was so much Soonyoung had done in so little time…

These things almost made Soonyoung feel guilty.

Soonyoung grimaced, and hoped that the night was better than the morning as he closed his eyes and thought about Lee Jihoon.