“Mr. Lee?”

The teacher turns to look at him and Donghae forces himself not to stutter as their eyes meet. As calm and composed Donghae usually is, Mr. Lee’s demeanour can make anyone weak in the knees.  Maybe he should’ve just went to the teacher’s room instead of stopping his teacher in the hallway where everyone who passes would stare at them curiously.

“What is it, Donghae?”

“I was wondering if maybe you need an assistant.”

The teacher is taken aback by the question, one of his brows raising up in curiosity as he answers.

“Not really. Why do you ask?”

Donghae’s fingers twitch, just slightly, urging to twine themselves together in anxiety. He ignores them, choosing to go over his carefully composed answer one last time in his mind before answering.

“Well, since I’m in my last year and will be applying for university soon, I thought it would be a good idea to do some extracurricular activities to add to my application. I think being a teacher’s assistant would point out my capabilities and responsibility better than doing volunteering or signing up for some club’s activities, which can sometimes be considered childish and not be taken seriously.”

Mr. Lee chuckles merrily, clearly amused by Donghae’s seriousness. “You prepared quite the speech, Donghae. How can I say no to that?”

“I’m serious!” Donghae says, frowning and cheeks flushing in embarrassment.

“So am I,” his teacher replies, still grinning at him. “I’m sure I’ll find something for you to help me with.”

“Thank you.”

If Donghae’s heart beats a little faster after the talk with Mr. Lee, he blames it on the nervousness.

~*~

One of the most frustrating things about being an 18 years-old teenager is definitely adults not taking you seriously no matter what you say or do. They dismiss you as a kid and yet they expect you to act like the adult you're supposed to become in just a year's time span. Perhaps it is teachers who love doing that the most.

Being an 18 years-old himself, Donghae knows this feeling perfectly. And it is, indeed, the teachers who enjoy playing around with the soon-to-be young adults, he thinks as he watches his math teacher walk around the classroom, asking questions, sending students to the blackboard to solve an exercise and making jokes from time to time.

Lee Hyukjae is the youngest teacher in the whole high school, around 27 years-old, and one could easily spot the differences between him and the other, older teachers. Firstly, he actually seems to enjoy teaching, always talking passionately and making sure every single one of the students understand whatever it is that he’s teaching. Sometimes he even transforms boring exercises and problems into games and rewards them with extra points and even chocolates from time to time. Secondly, Lee Hyukjae is handsome and charming and he knows it - not exactly tall, but lean with sharp features, deep, brown eyes, short, black hair always styled nicely, and a smile to die for. He also knows that his students adore him, especially the girls, most of them sighing dreamily or giggling at everything the teacher says. The older usually indulges in their silly “notice me, senpai” games, sending them flirtatious winks or bedazzling smiles. No matter how much the teacher innocently flirts with his students though, Donghae knows the older doesn’t take any of them seriously, because they’re just kids in his eyes in the end.

Donghae’s heart breaks a little more every time he reminds himself of this bitter truth.

Because somehow, since he’s started playing the teacher’s assistant part and spending time with Hyukjae outside of class, he came to understand why most of his fellow students worship him. Teacher Lee Hyukjae is kind, funny, easygoing – a joy to be around, really. He also treats his students like people, not like... students. He is also talkative, always engaging Donghae in smart conversations whenever they prepare lessons together or grade tests.

By the end of the first term, Donghae finds himself stupidly in love with his math teacher.

He knows it’s wrong. He knows nothing good will come out of it. He knows there is no way Hyukjae would ever love him back because he’s just a student.

But if that’s the case, then how come he catches his teacher looking at him in a way he doesn’t look at other students more than often. His eyes linger on Donghae sometimes, his smiles turn into something more than the usual playfulness. And then there’s also the little touches – on his hands when the older hands him something, sometimes on his lower back when he leads Donghae into a classroom in which they can work, even on his shoulders when he’s trying to get the younger’s attention.

Those are not things a teacher does to a usual student.

~*~

“I love you.”

Donghae didn’t plan on saying it. It just kind of slipped his tongue.

Hyukjae looks up at him, speechless and wide eyed. “What?”

Donghae swallows the invisible know in his throat, fighting the urge to run and hide somewhere no one will find him. “I said I love you, Hyukjae,” he repeats, voice nothing but a whisper.

For a minute that feels like an eternity, Hyukjae says nothing. He stares at Donghae like he’s seeing the boy for the first time, not quite sure why he’s there and what Hyukjae should do with him. Then he hums, looking away from Donghae, and forces a teasing smile to appear on his face.

“You and ninety percent of the students I teach,” he says in a tone that should’ve been playful and amused, but one that actually comes out awkward and strained.

It hurts, but Donghae is not one to back away easily.

“I mean it.” He comes closer to the desk, his steps steadier than his voice. “It’s not just a stupid crush!”

The papers Hyukjae stubbornly glares at seem a lot more interesting than Donghae and whatever he has to say all of a sudden. “Yeah, okay...” the teacher mumbles and he’s not making any sense, Donghae thinks, he’s acting like a child who refuses to confront his parents after he’d done something wrong.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair and Donghae will have none of that.

“Look at me!” he demands, voice louder than he intended, but it’s okay, he thinks, because Hyukjae finally does look at him. “Say something, please,” he adds, soft and pleading.

“What do you want me to say, Donghae? I shouldn’t even be having this conversation with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” Hyukjae says, exasperated, “You’re my student and you’re ten years younger than me—“

“Nine! I’m nine years younger than you!”

Hyukjae stands up and walks away from the desk, walks away from Donghae, not even bothering to turn around and face him when he talks again. “Is that supposed to make it better? Donghae, don’t you realise—“

“Why are you being like this?” Donghae is almost shouting now, too angry and hurt to care that he’s yelling at his teacher. “I’ve noticed the way you look at me! I’m not clueless, I can tell when someone wants me!” Hyukjae turns to him, schock written all over his face. Donghae does not give him the chance to deny. “And the way you touch me—“

“I don’t touch you!” Hyukjae cuts him off, his voice quiet as to not be heard from outside, but every letter is filled with tension.

“Yes, you do! You touch my hands, and my back, and my shoulders... See, you’re not even aware you do it! It comes natural to you doesn’t it? You do feel something for me!”

“I don’t—“

“DON’T LIE!” Donghae is crying now, his vision is blurred by tears and he’s sobbing more than speaking.

Hyukjae seems to melt at the sight of him, all his defences broken down by Donghae’s pouring tears. He approaches Donghae and stops just in front of him; close enough to touch and yet – he doesn’t.

“Fine,” he says, so quiet Donghae barely hears him over his own crying. “I do... feel something for you.” He sounds hesitant and forced, as if someone is fighting the words out of his mouth. “But, Donghae, this is insane. I’m your teacher and you’re my student and this – whatever it is you want from me – is not proper. We could get into so much trouble, you don’t even know.”

“What can they do? I’m way over the age of consent and I want this—“

“You’re eighteen! You don’t know what you want!”

The words float between them and so does the tensioned silence none of them dares to interrupt. Donghae stares at Hyukjae – at his teacher – in disbelief, those last words hurting him more than anything Hyukjae has said until then. How could I forget, he scolds himself, I’ve always known this, I’ve been repeating it to myself like a mantra.

He had stopped doing it, though. He fooled himself into believing differently.

He forgot that, in the end, in Lee Hyukjae’s eyes – his math teacher’s eyes – he’ll always be just a kid.

~*~

The following eleven days, Donghae skips every math class he has. He also makes sure to avoid that particular teacher at any cost. He’s still angry, and embarrassed, and ashamed – seeing Lee Hyukjae is the last thing he’s willing to endure. He’s angry at Hyukjae for treating him like a kid, he’s embarrassed that he had to go through that, and he’s ashamed of himself for allowing it to happen. It was a mistake to think that Hyukjae is different, that he would understand. No, Hyukjae is just as far up his high horse as the rest of the adults. Donghae learnt it the hard way.

On the twelfth day of skipping math class, Donghae receives a text from Hyukjae, making him regret giving his number to the older. Donghae, it’s been almost two weeks, you need to attend my class no matter how angry you are at me. I won’t even look at you if you don’t want me to, but you have to come back to class, otherwise you’ll fail because of unexcused absence. It’s not worth it.

Donghae wants to cuss at him as a reply. He barely refrains himself by reminding himself that Hyukjae is still, unfortunately, his teacher.

~*~

When Donghae goes to school the next day, he is surprised to find out that a substitute teacher will hold their math classes until the end of the year. That would be three months if Donghae counted correctly the time left until graduation.

“What happened to Mr. Lee?” he asks one of his classmates.

“No one really knows, we were only told he’s on a sick leave.”

Donghae feels his stomach clenching in worry. He has the urge to just text Hyukjae and ask if he’s okay, but then he remembers he’s only one student out of many and it wouldn’t be proper. Donghae finds himself wondering about what is proper and what’s not often since his fight with his teacher.

~*~

The three months pass slowly and uneventfully. Donghae thinks of Hyukjae during every math class, missing the teacher’s jokes and fun ways of teaching. He even misses him flirting with the girls.

When the graduation day comes and everyone gathers for the ceremony, Donghae’s heart skips a beat when he sees Hyukjae sitting with the other teachers. The older is wearing a neat, black suit, and he looks as handsome and prim as always. Come to think of it, Hyukjae doesn’t look like someone who’s been sick for three months.

The ceremony is long and boring. Everyone is relieved when it finally ends. Donghae hangs around a little longer, saying goodbye to his classmates and taking pictures together. They make plans to meet each other from time to time and then they go their separate ways.

“Donghae.”

He freezes when he hears the voice he last wanted to hear behind him. Donghae turns around out of politeness, but keeps his eyes focused on the ground.

“Mr. Lee.”

Hyukjae scoffs and Donghae can see him rolling his eyes even without looking at him. “That’s not what you called me the last time we talked.”

Donghae blushes, trying hard not to think of how he boldly called his teacher by his first name, but failing epically, the whole moment replaying inside his head like a sad, embarrassing movie. “You made it pretty clear then that you’re my teacher and I’m your student. I’m abiding by it,” he grits through his teeth, hoping he’s sounding as salty as he feels.

“Come on, don’t be like this.”

“Like what, exactly?”

Hyukjae sighs. Donghae pretends not to notice. If Hyukjae thinks of him as a kid, then that’s exactly how Donghae is going to behave.

“I know that you’re mad at me,” Hyukjae says, “and you have every right to be. But if you won’t let me have a proper conversation with you, then I’m walking away right now.”

Just go then! Donghae wants to scream it to the elder’s face, maybe even stomp his foot to make a statement – but that’s not what he truly wants. He hasn’t seen or heard anything of or from Hyukjae for three months. The fact that his teacher looked for him today and wants to talk to him must mean something.

Donghae wants to know what it means.

And so he finds himself following Hyukjae to an empty classroom.

“I heard you’ve been sick,” he mumbles when they enter a classroom, avoiding the elder’s gaze.

Both of them keep standing, leaning against different desks, a considerable distance between them.

“I’ve been just fine, thank you,” Hyukjae says, surprising Donghae enough for the younger to look at him.

“Why did you take a sick leave then?”

“Because I knew there was no other way for you to go back to math class. I have a doctor friend, he made up a disease for me and gave me the necessary paperwork.”

Donghae stares at him dumbfounded. “That’s so reckless! If anyone found out you could’ve been fired!”

“And seeing you behind the whole school’s back wouldn’t have?”Hyukjae stares back at Donghae, challenging him to say otherwise. Donghae can’t – because Hyukjae is right. Seeing as Donghae can’t find anything to say, the teacher continues. “I chose the lesser evil. I still believe I made the right choice.”

“I... I think so too, now,” Donghae finally replies with a meek voice. He’s done a lot of thinking since his fight with Hyukjae and reached the conclusion that, even though it was hurtful of the elder to say what he had, it had definitely been the right thing to reject Donghae. Both of their futures could’ve been ruined just because Donghae had been... too much of a teenager in love. “I’m sorry for the way I acted.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Hyukjae says. He gazes right into Donghae’s eyes as he does and Donghae feels the sincerity behind his words. “I shouldn’t have taken advantage of your age like that. Just because you’re young it doesn’t mean you’re not responsible for what you say or do. It just seems like that to adults most of the time.” Donghae smiles bitterly at this, understanding it perfectly well. “I was trying to tell you that, were we to be found out, it wouldn’t have mattered what you said. They would’ve blamed and punished me for it anyway because I’m the older one, I’m the adult and I should know better than to have a relationship with a student. Being an adult is not easy either, you know?”

The innocent joke manages to pull a small smile from Donghae. “I understand.”

“I know it sounds selfish, to hurt you in order to protect myself—“

“No, I get it,” Donghae says, looking back at his teacher, trying to reciprocate the honesty he received from the elder. “I wasn’t listening. I was only thinking of what I wanted. I learnt my lesson now – I should thoroughly think of the outcome and consequences first before acting. Look before you leap, right?”

Hyukjae chuckles, his smile not yet reaching his eyes, but it’s a start nonetheless. It meant they were on the right path of reconciliation.

“That would be ideal, yes,” he says. He extends a hand towards Donghae and, though surprised and hesitant, the younger takes it and allows Hyukjae to pull him closer. He doesn’t let go of Donghae’s hand when the younger stops in front of him. “It’s not proper for a teacher and his students to be in a relationship. It will never be and we can’t change that.”

“I understand,” Donghae says. He’s said it before but he wants Hyukjae to know that he means it.

“Good.” Hyukjae squeezes his hand, the playful smile he usually wore making its appearance, at last. “I guess it’s a huge relief for the both of us that you’re not my student anymore, starting tomorrow.”

Donghae smiles back, a little bashful, but extremely happy. Feeling a little daring, he finds it in himself to put his arms around Hyukjae’s neck and hide his flustered face in the elder’s neck. Hyukjae embraces him back, warm and protective and everything Donghae needs to feel in that moment.