A/N: I am not deaf, nor do I know anyone who is. I’ve written this based on what I read online so if you notice anything wrong with something I said, maybe some offensive word I used or described things in an unbecoming way, please correct me. Call me out on it. I want to be educated. Also, I apologize in advance if I did.

---

Donghae is woken up by a foreign hand shaking his shoulder. He struggles to open his eyes and make sense of what's happening, but the drowsiness keeps him unsteady between dreams and reality; the dead-like silence doesn't help one bit. The hand on his shoulder persists and with another shake Donghae eventually opens his eyes. Soft, but concerned, brown eyes greet him and the stranger seems to be talking to him, but Donghae can't focus on his lips' movement. He picks himself up from the comfy pillows, too sudden maybe - the book that lay forgotten on his chest thumps to the floor. Donghae panics, but before he can bend to pick it up, the stranger who woke him up has already retrieved it.

 

"Sorry," Donghae mutters, biting his lip. He looks up at the guy, recognizing him as one of the staff. Hyukjae his name-tag says - but Donghae already knows that; he's been observing the young man ever since the first time he's seen him.

 

Hyukjae opens his mouth and Donghae makes an effort to understand the string of words coming out of his mouth.

 

Learning to somehow read lips was the only thing Donghae did to adjust to his new life. The first time his parents tried to communicate with him after he lost his hearing it was by writing. His mother wrote on a small notebook what she wanted to say. Donghae took the notebook and teared every single page in it to small shreds and then left the mess on the living room’s floor for his mother to clean. Thinking back to it, Donghae feels guilty and ashamed of his behaviour. His mother didn’t deserve that. Donghae felt so humiliated though that everything turned red before his eyes. He hasn’t spoken to his parents since then.

 

"- you all right?"

 

"I'm fine."

 

When Hyukjae widens his eyes a little, Donghae guesses he said that louder than necessary. He curses mentally, hoping for the floor to open up and swallow him whole.

 

Hyukjae nods and speaks again. This time, the phrases are longer and spoken too fast for Donghae to catch more than a few words.

 

"... closing time ... be okay ... home by yourself."

 

Donghae tilts his head to the side, his eyebrows furrowing in concentration. He ties the words together and lets out - what he hopes is - a hushed "I'll be fine."

 

"You sure?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Alright then. Good night."

 

Donghae leaves without another word, feeling stupid as hell. As if being miserable all the time isn't enough, he thinks as he exits his favourite book store. No, he had to embarrass himself in front of his crush as well.

 

Oh, well ... just another thing to add on my "I hate my life" list: will never get a boyfriend. Just under "will never make new friends".

 

The thing is, Donghae is deaf. He has been for the past six months. He's not ready to come to terms with the fact yet, though. He'll probably never be - ready to accept that his life has been ruined before even properly starting.

 

For the past six months Donghae has been running away from concerned family and friends. Everyday as soon as he wakes up he goes to the book store near his home and isolates himself in fantasy worlds. He knows everyone is worried about him, but their worry is slowly killing him from the inside. He feels the need to be somewhere where no one knows him - or his problem.

 

The book store has turned out to be the perfect escape; not only because of the cosy atmosphere and good books - because of Hyukjae as well. Donghae doesn't even know the guy, but he likes to admire him from afar. He often peeks at the brown-haired boy in between the lines of the books, watches as he helps customers or tidies the shelves. Donghae doesn't know what it is about Hyukjae that caught his attention – maybe the lean, bony figure and the sharp jaw, the single lidded eyes that looked absolutely gorgeous contoured by eyeliner and the thick lips or maybe the jet-black hair that contrasted strongly with his skin - but he welcomes the distraction. He may be deaf and his life may , but at least he can still check out handsome guys from a distance.

 

_~*~

 

_Donghae moves along the shelf absentmindedly, looking for a new book, but not really feeling like reading anything. He has been feeling under the weather since he first opened his eyes that morning and all he wanted to do was stay in bed all day. But then he wouldn’t have been able to avoid his parents so he dragged himself out of bed, put on some clothes and run away.

 

From the corner of his eyes Donghae sees someone approaching him. He turns his head — and stops breathing. Hyukjae is the one coming towards him. Panicking, Donghae grabs the first book he sees and buries his head in it, pretending to read. He stares blankly at the pages, waiting for Hyukjae to pass by him.

 

Hyukjae does not pass by him. He stops in front of Donghae, shortening the boy’s life by at least ten years. Scared that Hyukjae might be talking to him, Donghae anxiously raises his head from the book. Hyukjae is indeed talking to him.

“Sorry, what?” Donghae murmurs, avoiding the other boy’s eyes, but staring intently at his lips. His heart is beating so wildly, he wonders if Hyukjae can hear it.

 

“So you’re into this kind of stuff?” Hyukjae’s lips move fluidly, stopping in the shape of a teasing smile.

 

“Huh?”

 

Hyukjae points at the book Donghae is holding and Donghae turns it around, releasing a sound that he guesses might be an embarrassed squeak.

 

Fifty Shades of Gray.

 

“No!” He rushes to stuff the book on the shelf, between the others. He might’ve bent a page corner or two in his haste. He hopes Hyukjae didn’t notice. “No, it’s not like that! I … I was just …”

 

He turns his back to Hyukjae and buries his burning face in his hands.

 

Way to drop your chances from zero to below zero, he thinks, mortified by what just happened.

 

He stays like that for a few moments, praying that Hyukjae will walk away and leave him alone, but then gentle hands take a hold of his shoulders and turn him around. Donghae is too surprised by Hyukjae’s boldness to react. That’s not something you do to someone you just met. When he’s facing Hyukjae again, Donghae notices the other’s lips are already moving.

 

“… if I upset you … trying to be friendly … too friendly maybe.”

 

Just two phrases, but already too much for Donghae to catch every word. He needs to cut this conversation short before he loses himself in the language – his own mother tongue, he thinks bitterly, and yet he can’t properly understand it anymore. The thought makes him sick.

 

“It’s alright,” Donghae says, slow and careful.

 

Hyukjae must have noticed something is wrong with Donghae – or maybe he doesn’t want to startle him again, Donghae can’t be sure – because the next time he speaks he does it in Donghae’s pace. Donghae is actually able to catch every word.

 

“I know that’s not what you usually read,” Hyukjae says and he has Donghae wondering about the tone of his voice; is it appeasing, comforting? Does he sound sorry or is he just saying it as a matter of fact? Before Donghae can feel bad about never finding out, Hyukjae starts speaking fast again, leaving him confused and struggling to understand. “… not a stalker or anything … not watching … on purpose.” He starts gesturing as well, making it hard for Donghae to concentrate on his lips.

 

Donghae decides it’s better to interrupt him. “Do you have something to say to me?” He hopes he didn’t sound rude.

 

Hyukjae falters and Donghae can see disappointment creeping on his face. “No, not really. I just wanted to make sure you got home safe yesterday. You seemed a bit out of it.”

 

“I did. Get home safely, I mean.”

 

“Oh … that’s good.” Hyukjae takes the hint and backs away slowly. “I’ll go back to work then.”

 

Donghae watches him go, his body shaking from head to toe. He grabs another random book and rushes to the most secluded seat he can find. Tears are already running down his face when he sits and opens the book from the middle. He covers his face with it and brings his knees to his chest, hoping no one will see or hear him sobbing.

 

~*~

 

The next day, Donghae brings a book from home to read at the book shop. The Lord of the Rings – long and complex enough to keep his mind off other things. He arrives at the book shop an hour after it opened – around 10am – and even though he’s not fully awake yet, he’s happy to find the place empty, except for the employees. He climbs the stairs to the second floor and from there to the balcony-like platform specially built for reading. There isn’t any piece of furniture, just many pillows scattered along the walls, but the carpet is always clean and soft under the touch so you can sit comfortably on the floor. If they had some blankets too, Donghae would never leave.

 

Donghae is not surprised to find that place empty as well. He walks along the railing, admiring the view below – and secretly hoping he would spot Hyukjae. He reaches the end of the platform and with a last look around he settles on a pillow, against the wall.

 

He immerses himself in the story, excited to read one of his favourite books again, but soon after the second chapter he feels his eyes droop, ready to close any minute. He’s still alone and the endless silence doesn’t help at all. Donghae is ready to grab a pillow and just rest his eyes for a while, when the strong smell of coffee invades his nostrils, slowly reviving him. He leans a bit forward, trying to spot the source of it; and then, as if pushed by an invisible force, he jumps back.

 

Stay calm. Don’t mess it up again, he thinks, waiting for the impending doom.

 

A few seconds later, Hyukjae appears in front of him, holding a paper cup filled with coffee. He smiles down at Donghae and offers him the cup.

 

“Take it,” he mouths. “You look like you’re going to fall asleep any moment.”

 

Ignoring the bubble of warmth bursting in his chest, Donghae shakes his head. “I can’t accept it just like that.”

 

Despite being rejected, Hyukjae looks amused. “Oh, I’m not giving it to you for free. We can make an exchange.” Donghae frowns, but waits for Hyukjae to continue. “I’ll give you this coffee and you can give me your name.”

 

The warmth suddenly rises from Donghae’s chest to his face. Hyukjae’s playful smile and endearing words are too much for him. He feels the need to look away; he feels like he will melt under the man’s gaze. He can’t do that though, not if he wants to keep talking to Hyukjae.

 

With an admirable strength of character that he didn’t know he posses, Donghae looks straight at Hyukjae as he finds his words. “That doesn’t sound like a fair trade.” He sounds coy even in his own mind, but he gives himself credit for keeping his together.

 

“It does to me,” says Hyukjae, his smile broadening. Donghae would give anything to hear that smile weaving with Hyukjae’s voice, to hear what Hyukjae is trying to convey to him – to hear how Hyukjae feels. “You know my name. It’s right here.” Hyukjae taps the name tag clung under his left shoulder blade with a smug expression, as if exposing important evidence for a police case. “I want to know yours too since we see each other everyday.”

 

Compared to the day before, Hyukjae seems much more composed. His words flow smoothly and even though Donghae can’t hear Hyukjae, he is sure confidence drips from every single syllable he lets out. Hyukjae is a charmer, no doubt about that. And Donghae can’t but give in to him.

 

“Donghae. My name is Donghae.”

 

~*~

 

The next day is a Saturday. Weekends are always busy; customers move like ants through the shop and employees are in over their heads. Donghae knows that all too well so he makes sure to be there early in order to secure his favourite spot.

 

He enters the book shop, nodding at the workers who smile and welcome him, and forcing a smile of his own and goes straight to the second floor, up to the reading platform. No one is there, as expected. As he moves towards the end of the platform though, Donghae notices that someone has been there. There’s a cup of coffee with a sticky note attached to it right where Donghae loves to sit most. His first reaction is to find another spot; but then he notices there are no books or bags around, not even a coat to betray the presence of another person.

 

Strange, Donghae thinks, looking around. Maybe someone forgot it there.

 

He approaches the paper cup slowly, as if expecting someone to jump out of nowhere and accuse him of stealing their coffee. He squats in front of it and picks up the sticky note, a gasp leaving his lips as he reads it.

 

For Donghae,

Have a good day and don’t fall asleep :)

Hyukjae.

P.S: If you leave it there, I’ll be sad :(

 

For some good minutes Donghae stands there frozen, reading the note over and over again and trying to make sense of it. Why did Hyukjae treat him to coffee twice? What’s that supposed to mean? Does it actually mean something or is Hyukjae just sick of having to wake him up at the end of the day?

 

Donghae stands up and leans over the railing, trying to spot Hyukjae. He doesn’t know exactly what he does that for, because he doesn’t have the guts to confront the guy. He doesn’t see him anywhere.

 

Sighing, Donghae sits against the wall, bringing the cup with him. His eyes land on the note and he reads it again; and again; and again. He reads it until he’s smiling like an idiot. He keeps smiling even as he drinks the coffee; it has run cold and he doesn’t even like coffee that much anyway, but Donghae is happy to drink it.

 

Happy. That’s not something Donghae thought he’ll be able to be again.

 

~*~

 

Donghae tries not to be disappointed when he doesn’t smell the coffee on Sunday. He really tries - he rationalizes, telling himself that he’s no one to Hyukjae, the man just happens to be working at one of Donghae’s favourite places, the only thing they know about each other is their names.

 

Donghae tries – but he fails. He liked the thought that he can still get positive attention from people, despite his condition.

 

He exhales shakily and drags himself to his favourite spot.

 

No coffee, indeed. But there is something there, making Donghae’s heart jump out of his chest. Right on the pillow Donghae uses to rest his back against there is a small package, the size of his fist, sloppily wrapped in aluminium foil. There’s also a sticky note glued to it.

 

Donghae drops to his knees, barely breathing. His hands tremble as he picks up the note.

 

Donghae,

Sorry, no time for coffee this morning ><

Here’s a sandwich as compensation. It’s perfectly safe to eat. I made it myself ^^ I thought it might be a good idea since I never see you eating anything while you’re here. Don’t do that anymore. It’s not good for your health.

Hyukjae.

P.S: You know you have to go outside to eat, right? Don’t be lazy and go!

 

Donghae is not crying. Not at all.

 

~*~

 

The next day a small pile of books awaits for Donghae. Donghae recognizes them as the newest fantasy stories released. All of them are in English.

 

Donghae,

These just came in early this morning. I thought you might want to take a look even if they’re in English. Or maybe you know English, in which case you can go straight to reading ^^ Just do me a favour: pick one and return the others to the fantasy section. I don’t think I’m allowed to do what I just did, but no one has to know, right? Right? Okay, thanks ^^

Hyukjae.

 

Donghae almost runs to return the books he doesn’t want, the thought of Hyukjae getting in trouble freezing his blood. He smiles as he places them in their rightful places though. Hyukjae is really kind and also a little cute in his notes, Donghae thinks.

 

~*~

 

On Tuesday Donghae has a breakdown – the worst so far.

 

Hyukjae has left him three roses. Roses. A guy left roses for another guy. Who does that? Who does that, unless they have ulterior motives?

 

There’s something different about the note as well. It’s shorter – the shortest so far – and more … intimate.

 

Dear Donghae,

You’re as beautiful as a rose.

Hyukjae.

 

Most people would be touched by such a gesture. Most people would think the person who left that for them is flirting or even confessing. Donghae is not stupid. Donghae is deaf – not blind. Donghae can tell when he is being approached.

 

It all makes sense now: the little gifts, the notes, why Hyukjae wanted to know his name. It’s because Hyukjae likes him. And the thought of it drives Donghae mad.

 

He leaves the flowers exactly where he found them, but he grips the sticky note tightly in his fist, scrunching it into a little ball. He climbs down the stairs in a rush and stops the first employee he meets in his way.

 

“Where’s Hyukjae?”

 

“I think he’s in the basement.”

 

Donghae leaves without even thanking the poor girl.

 

He finds Hyukjae at the music section, arranging rock albums.

 

“Hyukjae,” Donghae calls the boy’s name and although he can’t hear his own voice, he feels it coming shaky and barely composed out of his throat, like a volcano ready to erupt any second – and Donghae really is.

 

Hyukjae looks surprised when he turns around and even more so when he sees Donghae. And that’s all Donghae gets to see of Hyukjae’s emotion, his concentration entirely on the movements of the latter’s lips.

 

“Donghae—“

 

Donghae shoves the paper ball in Hyukjae’s chest, with a little too much force. Hyukjae stumbles a few steps back, barely catching the small paper. He stares at it and then at Donghae with confused eyes and an upset frown.

 

“What—“

 

“Stop this! Stop it!” Donghae is pretty sure he’s yelling, but he’s too angry and hurt too care at this point. “Whatever you’re trying to do, whatever you want— just stop! It won’t happen! I … I can’t—“

 

“Donghae, calm down …”

 

Donghae feels like he got caught in a tornado of emotions. His mind is swirling with so many things and he can’t concentrate on anything. He doesn’t know what he wants to say, what Hyukjae is saying; he can’t do anything but start crying uncontrollably.

 

Hyukjae panics. He talks to him – and Donghae is sure he’s trying to calm him down – but Donghae is far gone.

 

“Stop talking! Just stop— I can’t hear you! Hyukjae, I can’t hear you! I’m deaf!”

 

He turns away from Hyukjae, shutting his eyes close and his own arms closing around himself in protection. He’s shaking from head to toe and making ugly sounds with his sobbing for sure. It’s strange how all around him is only silence and yet – he feels as if he’s being yelled at or as if an alarm went off in his brain and won’t stop wailing.

 

He barely notices Hyukjae coming in front of him, but he does feel strong arms enveloping him in a soothing embrace. His arms are trapped in an uncomfortable position, jabbing into his sides and probably Hyukjae’s as well, but he’s take a million times worse if it meant leaning into Hyukjae’s warmth.

 

Hyukjae runs gentle fingers through his hair - careful, but determined - and Donghae leans his whole body on him, trusting Hyukjae to keep him together.

 

~*~

 

Hyukjae takes Donghae home. They get in a taxi and don’t talk the whole ride, except for Donghae telling his address. When they arrive it’s Hyukjae that pays – not that it’s relevant to any of them in that moment.

 

Donghae doesn’t trust his legs to take him not even until the third floor so he gets in the elevator without a word. Hyukjae follows him. He follows Donghae to the door of his apartment. Donhae takes out his keys and unlocks the door with trembling fingers.

 

Hyukjae stops him before he can get inside. He takes hold of Donghae’s hand, turns him around and cups his face, rendering him unable to escape his gaze.

 

“Will you be okay?” he asks. There’s worry in his eyes – the same kind Donghae hates seeing on his parents’ and friends’ faces whenever they look at him. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want Hyukjae looking at him and seeing … whatever the man is seeing.

 

Fresh tears escape his eyes, enough to turn his vision blurry.

 

No, he won’t be okay. Not for some time. He’s upset and angry and – scared. He’s scared of being alone right now.

 

Without a word, Donghae tugs at their connected hands, bringing Hyukjae inside with him. Thankfully, his parents are at work. Donghae is sure they wouldn’t like their son bringing a stranger into their home – into his bedroom even.

 

Once inside the safe haven that is his room, Donghae takes a seat on the bed. Hyukjae hesitantly follows.

 

They stay in silence for long, tense moments. Donghae has so many things he wants to say to Hyukjae – he wants to apologize, he wants to take it all back, he wants to tell Hyukjae that he actually loves the attention he was given – but he can’t bring himself to say anything. He’s sure Hyukjae has things to say as well. Donghae is afraid Hyukjae won’t talk to him, now that he knows the truth.

 

Hyukjae surprises him again though.

 

“Can I … Is it all right if I …” He stops and looks around the room, as if he’ll find the right words written on the walls. He then turns to Donghae with resolute eyes, very much alike the confident Hyukjae that asked for his name a few days before. “Donghae, this changes nothing. Nothing.”

 

Donghae gazes at him hopefully, a stray tear running down his cheeks every now and then.

 

“It wasn’t my intention to upset you with my … actions. Quite the contrary.” Hyukjae speaks considerably slowly than before, but Donghae doesn’t feel offended. He’s relieved, because he wants to know every single word that passes Hyukjae’s lips. “You come to the book shop every day so it was impossible not to notice you. And I noticed you watching me too. But that was it. I didn’t have any intention to introduce myself and get to know you. It just kind of happened. “And those little acts of attention I gave you … I wasn’t trying to flirt or anything, I swear!”

 

Hyukjae’s cheeks turn redder the more he talks and at some point, probably feeling his own embarrassment, he looks away without noticing. Donghae doesn’t want to interrupt him; he silently gets up and kneels in front of Hyukjae on the floor. He must look like a sad puppy at his master’s feet, but he honestly doesn’t care.

 

“I just … Donghae, you looked so—“

 

After a moment of daze, Hyukjae notices what happened. He doesn’t ask Donghae to resume his position; instead he drops to his knees as well right in front of Donghae. If he didn’t have to watch the man’s lips, Donghae would’ve leaned forward to hug him.

 

Hyukjae raises a hand to the side of Donghae’s face, his thumb caressing his cheek.

 

“You looked so sad, Donghae,” Hyukjae says, gazing at Donghae with an expression he doesn’t understand; a gleam in his eyes that Donghae can’t place. “You always do. Your eyes say it all. They have the look of someone who has given up everything; someone who won’t ever be happy again. I guess I know now why. And I wanted—“

 

He falters, looking at Donghae as if asking for permission to continue.

 

“Yes?” Donghae is not sure if any sound came out of him or if it was just his mouth moving.

 

“Donghae, I just wanted to see you less sad. I wanted to make you smile if only for a short while. That’s all. I wasn’t expecting anything of you.”

 

Hyukjae’s words send Donghae’s heart into a frenzy – but they also hurt him. He’s touched by Hyukjae’s confession and yet – he wants more. He said differently while at the book shop, but he also felt differently than what he said. He was afraid then, afraid that he won’t keep up the pretence in front of Hyukjae. The cat is out of the bag now though. And Hyukjae is still with him.

 

“What I did today … with the roses and that note ... I guess I got in over my head.” Hyukjae looks so adorably embarrassed right now, Donghae thinks; one of his hands is gripping Donghae’s arm and the other is absentmindedly ruffling his own hair. “B-but I meant it. I wasn’t expecting anything in the beginning, but … I guess I couldn’t help myself on the way.”

 

Donghae chuckles lightly, surprising Hyukjae – but even more surprising himself. He assumes Hyukjae is done talking so he lets his eyes wander away from the man’s face while his body finally erases the space between them. He rests his head on Hyukjae’s shoulder, hands gripping the latter’s shirt like his life depended on it.

 

And then he starts talking. He tells Hyukjae about the simple cold turned into an infection turned bad, about waking up one day to deafening silence. He tells him about that one time he was an to his mother and how he has been running away from them ever since. He tells him how he thinks he won’t be able to carry on with his life. And his heart feels lighter with every word.

 

“That’s not true, Donghae,” Hyukjae tells him when they break apart. “I won’t claim I know what you’re going through or how it feels like. But I know what loss feels like. It’s not the end of the world, even if it seems like it.”

 

And then Hyukjae tells him about his losses: about how his father died when he was seven and how his mother had been battling depression ever since; about how his mother eventually broke down and took her own life two years ago. Donghae cries for Hyukjae – even if the man himself does not – and wonders if that’s why Hyukjae tried his best to make Donghae feel better. He wonders if Hyukjae does that for everyone he meets, just to save them from his mother’s ending.

 

They talk more through the day. Donghae finds out Hyukjae was supposed to be in his second year of college if he hadn’t quit after his mother’s death. Hyukjae finds out that Donghae is in his last year of high school, but he hasn’t gone to school ever since he lost his hearing.

 

They stop only when Donghae’s mother comes home. She is dumbfounded to find Donghae with someone, but she excuses herself and invites Hyukjae to stay for dinner. Hyukjae politely refuses. Donghae sees his mother try to hide tears as she leaves his room – tears of relief and happiness, he hopes.

 

Hyukjae takes his leave after that.

 

“You shouldn’t come to the book shop anymore,” he tells Donghae as they part, breaking the younger’s heart a little. “And what I mean by that is that you shouldn’t run away anymore. You have the rest of your life ahead of you – and that’s many years. Talk to your family and friends. Go back to school. Take your life back.”

 

Donghae doesn’t like the sound of that. He really doesn’t. He realizes Hyukjae is right though. It surely won’t be easy, but it will get better.

 

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

And Hyukjae will be waiting for him.

---

A/N: This took a different turn than what I had in mind. I wanted to focus more on Hyukjae encouraging Donghae to reach out to others, to let his family and friends help him instead of making the cliche “I met the love of my life and he made everything better”. But I felt terrible for taking so long to write it (because it was a request) so I kinda just rushed and wrote the first things that came in mind just to finish quickly. I think I’ll come back to this someday and write it just the way I wanted when I started it.