Errors everywhere typos everywhere and mistakes etc

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Jongin wakes up with a start at the cold, feeling oddly weak and drags himself up. He looks at his window and sighs when it’s dark out, he rubs his eyes as he stands from is bed and heads for the door.

He steps out of his room– hears the faint voices coming from the living room. He wants to be a coward and avoid seeing his parents for as long as he can, but that’s impossible because he lives under their roof and has no choice.

He walks through the short corridor with a heavy heart– thoughts are swimming of what he should say to them. Talking to his parents has always been a little hard– it’s way harder now and the feeling of it all almost chokes him.

Jongdae is sitting by the dining table, talking to his father about something– it’s probably nothing to do with him– he’s stupidly paranoid now– because when Jongdae spots him, he nods and continues whatever it is he was saying.

Jongin walks to the dining table and plants himself across Jongdae. He sits with his head low and shoulders tense, hands are on his lap and eyes on the plate. He feels so much shame and finds it hard to look at anyone of them in the eye.

“I was just about to send Jongdae to get you,” His father says, his tone is light– almost as if he’s trying to soothe away Jongin’s awkwardness, but his gentleness makes it worse.

His mother serves dinner not too long after that and dinner is awkward. Jongdae and their father talk as if nothing’s happened or changed– it’s normal for him to jump in their conversations, but he feels so out of place today, he keeps his mouth shut.

Jongin tries to eat, but the smell of whatever spices his mother used is too strong. He fiddles and plays with his food after a few bites; the smell is getting to him and giving him a bad headache. He doesn’t complain about it– he goes for take another bite and the thought of doing so gives him the feeling of nausea.

He closes his eyes to let it pass– it doesn’t and he pushes his chair back and quickly heads for the bathroom; nobody stops him or makes a comment on it.

His face is over the toilet bowl as he throws up with little he has eaten. Throwing up always makes his throat burn and his tears come easy. And throwing up is loud and he doesn’t want to think about how gross they must think the sounds are. His hands are quivering as he uses them to support himself over the toilet.

He brushes his teeth furiously when he’s done, rinses his mouth, washes his face and walks out of the bathroom. He stalks down the corridor– wanting to finish whatever’s left on his plate and he blinks his mother’s spot is empty.

“Mum’s making some ginger tea– she says it’ll help settle your stomach,” His father informs as he takes a bite of his own food and Jongin wonders if he’s at all disgusted that his youngest son just vomited, “You don’t have to finish it if it upsets your stomach.” He adds on as he points at Jongin’s food with his chopsticks.

“It’s the smell,” Jongin murmurs, “Sorry,”

“Not your fault,” Jongdae says just as his mother comes back with a huge mug in her hand.

She places the mug in front of Jongin, she looks upset. “Drink up, you’ll feel better.”

()()()()

He accepts he’s weak when it comes to Chanyeol when he finds himself with his phone pressed against his ear, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He’s sitting on top of the toilet’s lid in nothing, but his loose boxers– his mother bought him a pack of too big boxers a few months back.

He planned to take a quick shower, took his phone with him and out of habit– he called Chanyeol and failed to hang up because Chanyeol answered after the second ring, almost as if he was waiting by the phone.

“Jongin,” Chanyeol’s voice is pleading on the other end, he sounds broken up and hurt and Jongin thinks he has no right to sound hurt. “I was being stupid,” He blurts out straightaway, “So ing stupid.” He breathes out shakily– his voice filled with overwhelming worry and insecurity. “I shouldn’t have said all those things– baby, please, I’m sorry.”

Jongin chews on his trembling lower lip as he listens to Chanyeol– having no idea what to say to him or what to think. He’s hurt – the thought of Chanyeol only tolerating him because he’s trying to prove something to himself hurts him greatly and he can’t breathe.

He can’t breathe because Chanyeol is everything and Jongin doesn’t think he’ll ever get so angry at him that he’ll never want to see or talk to him again– that’s impossible, especially because Jongin is pregnant– he doesn’t want to be and knows he should stop denying it soon –and needs him more than ever.

“Jongin? Are you still there?” Chanyeol asks, uncertain now. “I need to hear your voice,” He says and Jongin’s heart shatters, he makes the mistake of sniffling and it opens the flood gates in his eyes and he hates himself.

He hates himself a little for crying about every little thing these days. He’s still a growing boy with stupid hormones that have gotten even stupider. This isn’t like him at all and he hates it because he knows his hormones acting up and just overall getting messier than the usual.

“Baby,” Chanyeol says, “Stop,” Chanyeol begs and it makes Jongin only cry harder. He lets out a sob and scares himself because of how loud it is. He buries his face in his arms as he continues to sob there on the toilet seat. “Jongin, please,” Chanyeol tries again, but the words fail to form in Jongin’s brain and his mouth only knows to let out soft cries of fear.

“I can’t,” He cries out, shaking his head frantically and feeling a little bit childish for doing so– he’s like a toddler about to throw a tantrum.

“You know what you crying does to me,” Chanyeol sounds aggravated.

“I don’t want this,” Jongin replies, doesn’t control the volume of his tone, “This is unfair and so ing stupid and I’m scared!” He exclaims as he wipes at his eyes and the volume of his voice lowering when he remembers Jongdae is somewhere in the house and that his parents are asleep. “And you’re too busy thinking about your other dad…” He trails off– checking his temper and watching what he’s going to say next. He’s staring at the tiles on the ground through his blurred vision. “He’s a horrible person and you’ll never be like him–”

“I’m a coward.” Chanyeol says softly, “He’s one too.”

“No,” Jongin interjects– still wiping at his eyes and ignoring how hard his shoulders are shaking. “He never bothered to stay, and he walked away. You have– you comforted me. Held me,” He continues with a breathy sigh, “You’ll never be like him because you’re better than him,”

“This isn’t about what I feel or my obvious insecurities,” Chanyeol finally says and it doesn’t give Jongin any relief. He looks down at his bare thighs before closing his eyes and sighing into the phone again. “If you decide to keep it, I’ll do everything to take care of you– and the baby,” He tells him. “Maybe get a part-time job or quit university–”

“Quitting university would be the worst thing you can do.” Jongin scowls at nothing. “And you know it,”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” Chanyeol snaps, “You won’t decide what to do! Come on, Jongin–”

“Don’t scream at me!” Jongin retorts just as loud– increasingly worked up– and immediately continues before giving Chanyeol a chance to argue back is always a bad idea. He tries not to shed any more tears or be too angry because being angry has done nothing for him so far.

He’s still pregnant and he doesn’t want to be. “No option is good enough for me,” His hands are shaking as he says this, “I don’t want it,” He continues, “I don’t.” He shakes his head to himself and sighs into the phone, “I don’t.” He repeats. “I’ve never thought of having a baby this young.” He admits aloud. “I want one when I’m ready and I’m not ready now.”

Chanyeol is silent on the other end. “Any decision you make will affect you more than it’ll affect me,” He mumbles, “I think,” He adds as an afterthought. “So whatever you want.”

“Don’t say it like that– like you have no choice in all this because you do,” Jongin brushes his bangs off his forehead and stares at his feet.

“Whatever you want and I’ll support you– I mean it,” Chanyeol says and the earnestness is there, but Jongin doesn’t think he believes him.

“Will you hate me for it?” He questions because he hates himself for this. Burrows frowning as he thinks about what he has just said. If it’s the right decision for all of them or not– he figures he’ll find out at some time later in his life. Abortion isn’t going to make his parents forget what a disappointment he is.

“No,” Chanyeol whispers. “Never.”

Jongin wants to ask if anything between them will change– he stops himself because he knows Chanyeol will say nothing will change between us to keep him from freaking out too much– he’s still a child in most people’s eyes, but he’s old enough to understand that something like this will change a lot of things.

“I’ll come see you.” Chanyeol promises again, “After my exam– you don’t have to be alone.”

()()()()

“I, uh,” He starts, playing with his soup – it has become a bad habit now– and staring hard into it enough to burn a hole in it before looking up. “I know what I want to do now,” He mutters. It’s a Sunday evening and Jongdae is out– said something along the lines of student apartment, inspection’s today and Jongin feels bad for not paying much attention to him– so their attention is solely focused on him and it’s sort of terrifying.

“Alright, that’s good.” His father says and his mother stays silent as she looks at him. She’s still upset and hasn’t spoken much to him and he doesn’t attempt to make an effort in fear of having his mistake thrown back in his face. “Go on,” He pushes gently as they all bring down their chopsticks and look at each other in tense silence.

“I need to schedule an appointment for an abortion,” He says it in one breath after clearing his throat and forces himself to keep looking at their faces. His mother looks startled now and that’s the most expressive he has seen her in a long time– his father just stares at him.

“Alright,” His father murmurs dully after moments of painful silence, he looks conflicted and turns over to look at his wife, but she’s too focused on Jongin and Jongin wants to roll over and hide, never to show his face again.

“Alright,” He father repeats, nodding to himself and Jongin sort of can understand why it’s so hard to digest. It’s not an easy topic and he has tried it before– didn’t reach far before he turned around and chickened out. “Why?” He asks and Jongin blinks at him.

“Why?” He tests.

“An abortion because you think it’s the easy way out or because you think we’ll be mad forever?” He inquires. “We won’t be mad forever.”

It’s a little bit of both, but Jongin shakes his head and denies it before he states the obvious, “I’m not emotionally ready.” He answers, “Neither is Chanyeol.” He adds.

“Is he asking you to do this?” His mother demands suddenly, frowning hard and lips pressed tightly together afterwards.

“No!” Jongin shouts and leans back into his chair when her sharp gaze burns into him, “He’d never force me to do anything I don’t want to,” He tells them.

“You weren’t able to do it last time, Jongin,” His mother reminds him and he looks away – filled with shame at the memory– and looks down at his left hand beside his bowl of soup. “You weren’t able to do it because it’s a lot to give up.” She tells him and he bites his lower lip.

“I was scared.” He corrects, “And no one else knew about it.”

“Are you no longer scared?” His dad jumps in. And Jongin thinks of lying.

“I’m still scared,” He admits, “But I’m sure of it this time.” He’s not sure of anything anymore– not sure about where he stands with his parents or Chanyeol. He’s surprised he has made it this long talking to his parents about something like this without bursting into tears.

“Adoption? We can find some a nice agency or family–,” His father voices out and his mother makes a sound at the bad of to protest his suggestion.

“I’ll raise the baby,” She says soon after and Jongin almost considers humoring the thought.

“I don’t want to carry it for the next–,” He pauses, calculating. “Seven months or so,” He can’t promise or lie to himself about not being too attached to the child and letting whatever excited family down. And him not wanting to go through with the pregnancy may be a selfish reason. “I’m going to be a senior in a few months.” School has always been an important part of him. He may not know what college he wants to attend, but he knows he wants to be done with high school and not be held back for a year.

There’s a stigma towards pregnant teenagers and their families– the longer he keeps being indecisive, the larger the target on his back becomes.

It’s moments like these that make him wish he had friends. Someone he can talk to– someone he can relate to, someone who isn’t Chanyeol. He doesn’t think they are that many people in this type of ty situation he’s in and about to commit the act of what some people call inhuman.

He has always been too focused on his studies– grades slipped a little after meeting Chanyeol, but they bounced back quickly– friends have never really mattered all that much and most of his classmates are difficult people to get along with.

He has a few numbers from people he knew before high school, back in middle school– when he cared about friendships, but Jongin doesn’t think he’ll ever bring himself to dial their numbers. He doesn’t even remember what most of them look or sound like– it’ll be stupid and selfish for him to only call just for his own benefit after years of being too lazy to contact them.

“Aren’t these the things you were supposed to be thinking of before you became ually active?” His father’s tone is blunt and no-nonsense. “Abortion isn’t an easy way out.” He goes on, “This isn’t something you get just get rid of and everything will go back to normal– you have to think this through.”

“I have thought this through.” He feels himself getting worked up– feels like he can’t really make a decision without too many questions or doubtfulness thrown his way. He doesn’t want to think about this anymore– it’s exhausting and mentally wastes him.

“I never expected it to be you– one of Jongdae’s girlfriends, yes, but not you,” His mother says out of the blue and his father nodding to her words, he’s rubbing the small of her back to comfort her and Jongin knows none of them will be able to get sleep later tonight. “Never you,”

“He won’t appreciate knowing you think that about him,” Jongin mumbles and his father laughs a little, shaking his head, but he stays quiet.

“He knows we all think it.” She reasons, “I’m always expecting him to bring some girl home and pregnant,” She sighs and leans back into his father’s space.

Jongin glances at her, “I’m not perfect, mum.”

“I know,” She exhales deeply and her bottom lip and sighing some more. “It’s a lot to give up, Jongin, and I don’t know what to think about this.” His mother repeats and Jongin doesn’t reply to her. He looks down at his food and the conversation dies.

The rest of the evening goes by at a snail’s pace; Jongin excuses himself from the table and briskly walks to his room. He shuts the door, leans against it and closes his eyes– taking deep breathes to calm his racing heart before opening his eyes again and heading towards his bed.

He resists calling Chanyeol because it’ll be a distraction for him– he has an exam on Monday and Jongin thinks he has bothered him enough with all this running back and forth and being uncertain about what to do, crying and everything else.

He tries to remind himself that he’s not doing this for himself– that he’s doing it for Chanyeol too. But something in his head tells him he’s doing it for himself mostly and he doesn’t know if that’s a bad thing or not.

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I’ve written this chapter so many times skdlf glad it’s over now and spoiler alert: he goes through with it this time (*｀⌒´) =3 On a lighter note – next update should be up some day in July idk haven’t written it yet lmao.  im off to bed forever (　´∀｀)