Ignore the bad sentences and typos its 4am

()()()()

Chanyeol pulls him into a bone crushing hug the second they step outside his dorm and Jongin holds him just as tightly–his chest flutters and some thoughts in his head calm themselves– and he squeezes his biceps and breathing in his scent. He closes his eyes and leans further into him and he allows his limbs lose their stiffness.

“I have to go now,” He mumbles, brushing his lips lightly over Chanyeol’s jaw. Jongdae is still waiting in the car and Jongin knows the continuous vibrating from his phone in his back pocket indicate obvious impatient messages.

Chanyeol doesn’t attempt to let go of him, but Jongin feels him nod. He lets himself be held and pressed against the door leading to Chanyeol’s room. “Are you coming over this weekend?” He whispers, it’s hesitant, almost as if he knows the answer to it.

Jongin stays silent. He wants to, he really wants to spend more time around Chanyeol now, but he knows his parents– his mother especially– will not agree to it. “I want to, but I don’t think mum will allow it.” He whispers back.

“I’ll come see you,” Chanyeol says after a moment and Jongin shakes his head.

“Some time apart will do us some good.” He states drily, swallowing and clearing his throat. “To give you time to process me being– this,” He says tensely and presses himself closer into Chanyeol arms, burying his head between his shoulder and neck.

“You being pregnant won’t change how I feel about you,” He tells him. The word Jongin can’t bring himself to say easily rolls off his tongue without much hesitation and Jongin feels a little bitter about it. “Alright?”

“Alright,”

()()()()

“Three hours.” Jongdae grumbles out the second he steps into the passenger seat and Jongin nods. He buckles up his seatbelt and looks ahead, no idea why he suddenly feels irritated and he doesn’t know who it’s directed at.

“How did he take the news?” Jongdae asks as he starts the car and Jongin shrugs– trying to shrug off the irritation he feels.

“Okay,” Chanyeol has taken this calmly, a little too calmly– Jongin admits being doubtful and scared over before telling the truth. The irrational fear has eased a little, but Jongin knows it’ll surface again at some point in the future.

That’s probably why he feels so irritated all of a sudden.

“Good, good.” Jongdae says dismissively as he focuses on pulling out of the parking spot. “Good because mum thinks you should tell dad today.”

The air gets knocked out of his lungs and Jongin stares at Jongdae with wide eyes. “What?” His annoyance gone and all that’s left is anxiety.

“You have this ride home to think about what you’re going to say,” Jongdae glances at him before turning back to the road.

()()()()

He stands with his hands weakly at his sides and his head bowed. His eyes are closed, but he feels his father’s eyes on him. He says nothing, waiting for his father to be the first to speak and it’s nerve-wracking because his father doesn’t press him to talk.

And Jongin does tell him. He does after being choked up and struggling to find the right words to use. His heart is pounding erratically and his body is shaking as he waits– his mother sits beside his father, her hand over his thigh.

Jongdae is leaning against the door frame with his face buried in his phone, but Jongin knows he’s being attentive with everything that’s happening around him.

“That’s not possible.” His father sounds generally confused. “You aren’t ually active.” He adds on, “And you know better.” His voice isn’t raised, but to Jongin his voice is loud and deafening.

He looks over to his mother pleadingly and sees her hard gaze crack slightly. She leans over to his father and starts to whisper into his ear. He catches a bit of what she says, but keeps his eyes on his father’s expression.

He looks more confused than anything else, but he doesn’t look angry like Jongin expected him. Maybe he hasn’t digested the information yet.

“I can’t say anything right now,” His dad finally after his mother moves away from his personal space, “I’m disappointed, but what’s done is done.” He sighs, “What are you going to do about it?” His tone hard and unforgiving now and Jongin knows he has to think long and hard about this conversation once it ends.

He shifts on his feet, still keeps his head down this time and stares at his feet. He doesn’t raise his eyes to look at his father’s nor his mother’s expression. “I’m sorry,” He apologizes.

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“I haven’t thought that far.” But he has thought about what to do, he is tired and he has had enough of having to his world revolve around him being pregnant.

It’s exhausting and he feels suffocated– he just wants it end because he feels as though he’s running into circles and going nowhere the longer his indecisiveness continues. “I’m not ready for any of this and I can’t decide because I don’t know.” The silence that follows tells him they’ve all heard him.

“Should’ve thought of that before you went and got pregnant.” His mother breaks the heavy silence angrily and Jongin shrinks in on himself. “I let you spend every weekend with that Chanyeol and I receive a call telling me you’re at some clinic, pregnant and about to get an abortion.” She continues, getting even angrier, “Minutes away from taking the first pill. Who knows how many abortions you’ve had?”

The air around thickens as he shakes his head furiously as air fail to enter his lungs, “No,” He starts as his eyes burn and he’s certain he’s about to start crying– how many times is he going to cry in a week? “Mum, no, I’ve never–,” He’s all choked up now and fails to continue.

“How would I know the truth?” She shouts, glaring heatedly at him and he knows she’s ready to chew him out. He tries not to hold it against her, but it’s hard. “How could you keep something as important as this from me, Kim Jongin? What if something went wrong and you got yourself hurt?” She pauses, lowering her voice, “What makes you think you’re old enough to make your own decisions about something like this?”

“Seventeen, soon to be a senior in high school and pregnant,” It’s like she can’t wrap her head around it– Jongin wishes for her to stop talking because she’s making him even feel worse about himself, but he guesses he had this coming.

“That’s enough,” His father finally says and his mother scowls at him, he ignores her. She stands up from the couch, straightens the wrinkles on her shirt before giving Jongin one last look and walking off towards the hallway. A slam of a door comes moments later and Jongin flinches.

“I– I need a few days to think over my decision,” Jongin manages to say, keeping his watering eyes on the ground.

“Do you know why she’s upset?” His father asks after a beat and Jongin shakes his head because he thinks she has gone overboard. She has made him feel more like , like he’s nothing, but a disappointment. He expected this. It still hit him hard and he wants Chanyeol– running to Chanyeol has become a bad habit he doesn’t think he’ll be able to break. “You’ll understand when you’re a little older.”

He blinks away the tears, frowning on his face as he shakes his head again. He doesn’t look up. He hears his father stand from the couch and steps in front of him, a hand falls on his shoulder and he’s given a soft squeeze and a low I’ll talk to her. Get something to eat, ok? before he quickly goes after her.

“She’s not mad at you,” Jongdae tries to make him feel better and Jongin shakes his head because she has every right in the world to be upset.

“She is,” He whispers pathetically and moves to sit on the couch. Hiding up in his room isn’t helping with some of the unpleasant thoughts he gets and he has lost his already awful appetite. “She has every right to be,” He looks up and wipes a hand over his face. He reaches in his back pocket and pulls out his phone, unlocking it and his finger hovers over the speed dial number. “But if keeping the baby is going to cause hell for everyone else and myself–”

Jongdae interrupts him. “This isn’t about everyone else.” He goes on, “The longer this drags on– abortion, adoption or raising it or whatever– it’s bound to drive everyone insane.”

()()()()

He pretends to be asleep when his mother walks into his room later. He knows it’s her because she spends a few minutes holding his hand.

()()()()

“I told my dad.”

Jongin blinks up from his untouched homework to Chanyeol’s face on the screen of his laptop. The image is not as clear as he’d like it, but he doesn’t complain– it’s better than nothing at all. He offers a smile, “Shoulders feel less heavy?”

Chanyeol nods and smiles back, “Yeah, a little.” He chuckles a little, “He wasn’t impressed, but I expected that.” He’s looking down at something and Jongin stares at his questioningly. “Past exam papers– I have an exam on Monday.” He informs before Jongin can ask him, he raises the papers in his hands before dragging them down and out of the screen’s frame.

“I hope he wasn’t too angry.” Jongin breathes as he adjusts the headphones on his head, still a little sleepy. The only good thing about this is that everyone important to them knows about him being pregnant, at least that’s out of the way now. It’s not comforting in the least when he thinks about it, but it’s a lot better than hiding it.

“He can’t judge.” Chanyeol looks thoughtful for a moment, “He had me when he was nineteen,” Jongin knows this and knows Chanyeol avoids talking about his other father– the man has never been in the picture, but he’s around somewhere ignoring Chanyeol’s existence. “So he can’t judge us.”

“Sorry,” He finds himself saying and Chanyeol frowns at him.

“Not your fault,” He mumbles, “My did all the work,” He’s laughing now and Jongin fails to keep a serious face. He joins, he laughs and it feels good because the tension in the atmosphere sort of evaporates and he feels more comfortable.

Silence falls around them soon after and they decide to work on their school work. They occasionally catch other’s eye on the screen, smile and continue studying.

It’s Saturday and it feels a bit strange not being in Chanyeol’s bed and cuddling on top of him. Jongin hasn’t bothered asking either of his parents if he can go, they are at the shop now and he last saw Jongdae outside talking to someone on the phone.

He looks behind him and eyes Monggu lying on his bed, trying to make sure the puppy isn’t ripping his duvet to shreds or making a mess.

“Jongin,”

He turns and blinks at Chanyeol, “What?”

Chanyeol stays silent, he looks nervous and Jongin shift uncomfortably. “What have you decided– about the baby?”

There’s no escaping the decision making about this pregnancy and Jongin’s getting tired of it. But there’s a limit to how far you can run. And he can’t get snappy about this, he tries to be levelheaded– he can’t tell Chanyeol, of all people, to pretend that he isn’t pregnant and act like everything’s normal again. “I don’t know.”

“That’s not an answer,” Chanyeol presses.

“It’s the only answer I have now.” He says firmly and Chanyeol says nothing else. Jongin pushes away his homework and glares at Chanyeol staring back at him. “If I put it up for adoption,” He bites out, “Will we be okay after?” Because he’s selfish and all he cares about is if Chanyeol will still be with him.

Chanyeol hesitates, “I’d like to think so,” He clears his throat, “We’ll be alright.”

“How sure are you?” He’s getting being childish now; he needs reassurance even though he’s grown enough to know that the future is unpredictable.

“I’m not.” He likes that about Chanyeol, his honesty. “We’ll try, though, won’t we?”

“Adoption,” He says, choosing not to answer his question. He pushes his chair back when Monggu starts rubbing up against him and he picks up the puppy, setting it on his lap and turning his attention to Chanyeol.

“What kind?” Chanyeol raises his eyebrow.

“Closed,” Jongin murmurs, “It’ll be easier to forget, right?” His eyes are wide and he feels stupid for asking that. “Unless you want to see him or her,”

“This is hard,” Chanyeol’s movements freeze and Jongin knows it’s because of the internet connection lagging. “Deciding over someone else’s future like this,”

“That someone can’t speak,” Jongin voice out, Chanyeol’s movements are back in sync and he’s looking directly at him.

“And that’s why it’s worse,” He runs his fingers through his hair, “Whatever you want,” Chanyeol cuts him off; “Anything and I’ll support you.”

“Don’t say that!” Jongin suddenly shouts and his outburst has Monggu startled on his lap. Jongin ignores the puppy and absentmindedly its brown fur to calm it. “I can’t be calling all the shots,” He interjects before Chanyeol can speak, “I really can’t.” His voice shakes a little, “I know it’s my body, but I need you to help me decide– I don’t want to regret more than I already do.”

“I just– I feel so bad, you know? I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.” Chanyeol starts, “Stayed up the other day and I couldn’t stop thinking about– that maybe if I kept it in my pants, maybe if we waited– this isn’t something I thought much about.” He continues and there’s a sinking feeling in Jongin’s chest.

“When I saw your Skype call today, I wanted to ignore it.” His breath hitches and his eyes burn, blurring his vision. “Pretend I never saw it, but then I thought about how you must be feeling and I felt ty for even thinking of doing something like that to you.”

His throat is clogged and hearing this is breaking his heart, feels like Chanyeol is scooping his heart out.

“I love you,” Chanyeol says and for the first time, Jongin doesn’t want believe it. He ignores the raw emotion he hears in Chanyeol’s voice. He’s hurt – with the confusion of what to do with him and Chanyeol being this brutally honest with him, he feels some type of way and not the good kind of way. He decides he hates Chanyeol being honest. “I won’t be my other dad– I won’t leave you because you’re pregnant.”

“Chanyeol,” Jongin whimpers and hating how weak he sounds, “Are you only doing this because you want to prove you’re not like him?” He refuses to listen to Chanyeol’s answer – he takes off his headphones and stares at his screen. He sees how Chanyeol shakes his head and he’s saying something, Jongin holds his laptop’s lid and shuts it.

It’s not long after that, his phone goes off beside his shut laptop. Chanyeol’s picture coming up under his number and Jongin pushes his chair back after tearing his eyes away from his phone; he sets Monggu off his lap and shakily gets to his feet. He’s unbalanced, stands on unsteady legs and he feels powerless and feels a little unsettled.

Who cares what Chanyeol’s doing it for, he thinks, at least you’re not alone, you idiot. Stop overreacting. You’re not a child. “It’s not the same.” Jongin says to himself. And this is one of the moments where Jongin wishes he had the power to forget.

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these two idiots we have here are just babies hsjdks ignore the bad grammar and typos etc im going to sleep