Oops, ugh, sorry for this long wait

()()()()

Jongin’s mother takes her time every night and arranges the mattress he sleeps on Jongin’s floor. They don’t tell her it’s pointless and a waste of energy because Chanyeol squeezes himself on Jongin’s bed and holds him tightly every night and every chance he gets.

He’s home now, in his bed with Chanyeol beside him in bed, resting his head on his lap as his legs awkwardly dangle off the bed as he sleeps. And his parents are just a shout away somewhere in the house now, they are tense and Jongin knows it’s because he hasn’t spoken much since he got back from the hospital.

He’s never one to fret too much, but to his parents Jongin being this silent is new and strange. There’s a feeling of coldness in him for the last few days that never goes away. And he knows it’s exactly why he doesn’t want to speak much, he talks to Chanyeol because Chanyeol is sacrificing his time to be with him instead of taking his university classes.

It’s all stupid because Chanyeol will have extra stuff to do and less time with him when he leaves him.

But Jongin has always been a selfish person when it comes to Chanyeol, only Chanyeol. So he doesn’t bring himself to ask Chanyeol to leave – he doesn’t think Chanyeol will take him asking him to leave very well. Jongin knows Chanyeol has to leave soon because his boyfriend’s father is impatient to see his son again and Chanyeol has been making excuses and lying about being too busy with university.

Jongin’s parents aren’t thrilled with having Chanyeol around, especially when they are aware he’s skipping his classes. They only let it go because Chanyeol will leave the night before Jongin has to go back to school, the days are approaching too quickly and Jongin wishes he can stop time.

It makes Jongin feel a tad bit guilty, but it all fades when he remembers the reason they are in the situation they are in. They don’t talk much about the topic, Jongin often finds himself feeling irrationally angry or upset and Chanyeol is as awkward as one can be when walking on already cracked eggshells.

This has to be one of the hardest things, Jong feels. Distance between them cuts it close to being the hardest thing though, but it’s got nothing on how the atmosphere is filled with tension and unspoken words. And one wrong word often ticks him off more than it should and ends with both of them apologizing after an argument.

Their arguments are often in distraught hushed tones because Jongin’s parents take turns these days, to see how he’s doing or if he needs anything. His mother comes to inspect the bandage on his abdomen, even though he can do it on his own – he can’t do it on his own because he doesn’t want to acknowledge it and he will not let Chanyeol touch him without his shirt on.

“Wake up,” Jongin says, his voice devoid of emotion and it’s something he can’t seem to have much control over anymore. “Chanyeol,” He places his hand of his boyfriend’s shoulder and shakes him as gently as possible. Chanyeol shrug, opens his eyes and looking up at him as Jongin looks down, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“What is it?” His voice is hoarse and he sounds tired and Jongin feels guilty for waking him up.

“It’s late,” Jongin starts, “You need something to eat – mum and dad are home.”

“Only if you’re going to eat.” Chanyeol tells him, holding his gaze and Jongin hesitates, he turns away and nods – he’s never hungry anymore, but he eats when he’s reminded.

“Yeah.” He answers and Chanyeol’s sudden smile doesn’t hide the look behind his saddened eyes.

()()()()

Jongin allows Chanyeol to runs his fingers along his cheeks and his eyes flutter shut. He lets out a slow breath and let’s himself relax under the touch, his few days away from school are up and Chanyeol will have to go back to his dorm the next day and start attending his university classes seriously.

Things will have to go back to how they were before he got pregnant and before the termination. Jongin tightly shuts his eyes at that. He still doesn’t know how to feel about it, he tries not to think about it too much and he wonders if he’s a terrible person because he doesn’t not feel regret – or maybe the feeling is mixed up in all the emptiness he feels or the heaviness of his heart.

He swallows the sudden lump in his throat and realizes his vision is a little wet.

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol’s questions as low as he voice allows him.

Jongin shakes his head, “I don’t know.” He feels like crying, but he can’t. He won’t. He won’t cry over this anymore, he’s not a child. He won’t admit to his insides feeling empty and painful even days after the surgery – doctor said it’s to be expected, he was cut into and sewn back up. As good as new, the doctor said after Jongin’s whatever drugs Jongin had been on had worn off.

And then suddenly he’s shaken. It’s over, he won’t have a baby in a few months. He doesn’t have to worry about raising a baby, ing its little life up or giving up it. He doesn’t have to worry about being a teen parent or being embarrassed to enter his classes with a baby bump – he doesn’t have to worry about shaming his parents in public.

He’s supposed to be fine now and this is supposed to be easy – the hard part was supposed to be the decision and going through with it. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore it and he can go about his day, but sometimes it slaps him in the face and Jongin forgets how breathing works.

And today of one of those days, the days he forgets to breathe and he starts to regret.

This is all too big for him to handle alone and too new, it’s eating him up inside and it hasn’t even been that long since– since he was on drugs and unaware of the surgery happening.

“I wish someone talked me out of it.” He confesses, out of the blue in the darkness and his fingers tightly clench in the fabric of Chanyeol’s t-shirt, he lets go moments later. “I still don’t know how I feel.” He swallows thickly, “I’m going crazy.”

“Your first appointment with the hospital’s counsellor is next week,” Chanyeol whispers after silence and Jongin doesn’t blame him, he knows this is also hard for him.

“I don’t want to talk to any counsellor,” He murmurs, almost angry and pushes Chanyeol’s hands from his face.

“Everyone who has gone through with the…” Chanyeol pauses as if trying to find the right word, one less offensive and harsh. “You know,” He doesn’t say it, “They’re all required to talk to a counsellor.” He reasons and Jongin shakes his head, he sits up – winces at the soreness, sudden movement causes a bit of pain and slight discomfort in his abdomen.

He puts his head in his hands, he’s fingers are gripping his hair painfully tight. He lets Chanyeol pull him to his chest and relaxes against him – he’s going to miss this, snuggling closer to Chanyeol’s warmth and feeling less confused about his feelings. “You’re leaving tomorrow,” He murmurs quietly and feels Chanyeol nod, lips press against his temple and Jongin leans into him.

“I’ll be just a phone call away,” Chanyeol tries to assure him.

()()()()

He shakily steadies himself onto his feet from the cold tilted floor he was shivering on. He flushes the toilet, he readily ignores Chanyeol’s presence in the room as he steps over to the sink and washes himself up, even though the feeling of disgust on him and towards himself is something he knows will never go away.

“How long did the doctor say your morning sickness will last?” Chanyeol asks after seconds of silence. Jongin looks from the running water in the sink, looks at Chanyeol through the sink and swallows – immediately making a face at the aftertaste of his own vomit and he opens the cabinet, reaching out for his toothbrush and Colgate.

“Jongin,” Chanyeol calls when his question isn’t answered.

“A few days or weeks,” He shrugs, “It’s up to however my body wants to respond to being…” He trails off, “Interrupted. Or recover from the trauma it has gone through.” He holds Chanyeol’s gaze in the morning before turning to look at his toothpaste smudge brush, he pops it into his mouth and begins viciously brushing his teeth.

“It’s not me you should be mad at here.” Chanyeol tells him quietly. They hold their gazes for a long time in the mirror and Jongin is the first to break it, to spit in the sink. “Are you still in pain?” Chanyeol asks as he watches him rinse his mouth.

“Sore.” Jongin answers honestly– being hostile with Chanyeol won’t help the situation he’s in – it won’t make him feel less like . “I’m sorry,” He blurts out, chest tightening all of a sudden in discomfort. He’s always looking for something to be angry about these days and he’s been taking it out on Chanyeol. Because if he gets angry he won’t have nervous breakdown in front of Chanyeol or his family and make a fool out of himself.

“It’s okay,” Chanyeol says finally, his arms are crossed over his chest lightly and he looks as tired as Jongin feels. “I’m sorry, too.” He adds shortly afterwards.

“It’s okay,” Jongin mumbles as he puts his toothpaste and toothbrush where they belong. He wipes his mouth with the towel before hanging it back against the wall. He straightened his posture and turns to look at his boyfriend. “You’ll be late for the train back.” And there’s a sinking feeling in his stomach when he says that, but he tries to brush it away. He needs to stop acting too emotional – last night was enough and he needs to grow a pair and move on.

“I can stay for another day or two,” Chanyeol suggests and Jongin considers it. He wants Chanyeol to stay with him, but that will be selfish and neither of their parents will accept it because school is important and they’ve both missed a lot of it. A few days away from school is a lot.

“I’m not fragile,” Jongin says, staring at Chanyeol and sighing. “I understand you have to go and I have to get myself ready for school–”

“Ask me to stay, Jongin,” Chanyeol blocks the bathroom door before Jongin reach for the knob. Jongin shakes his head even though everything in him is screaming for him to ask Chanyeol to stay. Chanyeol soon gives up and moves away from the door, he walks out, walks through the short hallway and enters Jongin’s room.

Jongin remains by the bathroom door for a moment, staring down at his feet before taking in a deep breath and hastily following after Chanyeol.

He sits at the edge of his bed and watches Chanyeol pack the few things he brought with him in his duffle bag. The silence is painful and tense enough to choke him, but Jongin doesn’t attempt to break it.

“What are you going to tell people who ask?” Jongin breaks it anyway.

Chanyeol’s movements pause, he glances over at Jongin and returns to packing. “I don’t owe anyone an explanation, it’s none of their business.”

“Have you finally told your dad?” Jongin questions, Chanyeol had been beating around the bushes with his father and wouldn’t bring himself to say what had happened days ago.

“Yeah,” He looks up, “He figured it out. Must have been in my tone or something,”

Jongin looks down at his lap, a frown on his face and he tells himself not to, but he does anyway, “Is he mad?” He has no idea why he’s even asking.

“He wasn’t happy.” Chanyeol’s tone is flat as he continues, “Doesn’t matter what he thinks. It doesn’t matter whatever anyone thinks about this but us.”

Jongin shifts uncomfortably, he wipes a hand over his face and sighs into it. He bites the insides of his cheek and wants to slap himself across the face. He’s stupid, so damn stupid because he hasn’t even bothered to ask how Chanyeol is feeling all this time. “Do you think it was the wrong choice?”

“It’s too late for that.” Chanyeol replies, sounding exasperated, “You did what you had to do and you’re fine, that’s all–”

“That doesn’t answer my question, Chanyeol.” Jongin bites out and looks up at his boyfriend, there’s a frown on his face.

“I don’t want to fight before right before I leave,” He whispers and zips his duffle bag, he sighs and ruffles his hair and hesitates a moment before saying; “It’s stupid; we both know it’s stupid to fight now.”

Jongin searches Chanyeol’s face for something – he doesn’t even know what he’s looking for, but he relaxes when he spots the dejected look in his eyes. He brings his thumb to his lips, bites the nail and doesn’t care if it’s a disgusting habit to have.

“Promise me you’ll keep contacting me and you’ll come see me every week – whenever you can and if my parents say it’s okay, I’ll come see you,” Jongin says in a rush, “Like before – before all this happened.”

“Only if you promise me you’ll do the same.” Chanyeol mumbles and pauses, he looks up at Jongin a gives him a look Jongin can’t quite read and tells him, “But you know things will never be the same again. We can’t go back to before, Jongin, it’s impossible.”

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nighttt ( ☻ ω ☻ )。・:*:・