it's almost 3 a.m. so the fails in here will be no joke honey

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The walk from the station to his house is long and silent with Jongin having nothing to say after a quick excuse of ‘I was near the station– walking Monggu,’ when Chanyeol raised an eyebrow after getting off the train and seeing him waiting there. He glances at Chanyeol occasionally and quickly turns his gaze to the road ahead or Monggu’s soft fur.

“Are your parents home?” Chanyeol asks the moment Jongin’s place is in view.

Jongin shrugs, trying to get his heart to stop beating for frantically, “No,” He shakes his head.

The silence is even heavier when they step into the empty house. Jongin sets Monggu on the floor as he slips off his shoes and places them on the shoe rack. He watches Chanyeol do the same, Jongin is stiff and too guarded because anything can come out of Chanyeol's mouth and he needs to be ready for it. Whatever that may be.

He swallows as Chanyeol stands, as if waiting to be invited in further and Jongin's lips form into a grimace. This is beyond him. Why are they acting like adults? Teenagers their age are probably doing something fun or lazing around without having such heavy thoughts on their minds. At least not thoughts that deal with an abortion or just all the ery that has happened.

He breathes out heavily and hopes it’s not too obvious how insecure he’s starting to feel about not fitting in anywhere.

“I...” Chanyeol trails off for a bit and Jongin doesn’t press him to continue. He just walks down the short corridor to the living room. Wondering if he should offer Chanyeol a drink but decides against it because it’s too unnatural for them, Chanyeol usually helps himself out with whatever’s in the fridge when Jongin’s parents aren’t home. Things are different now. “Wanted to talk to you,”

“So you said earlier.” Jongin says and for the love of all that is holy tries to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. Chanyeol glances over at him for a bit and Jongin’s face flushes. “Sorry,” He says, feeling a little stupid. This is too weird for him because for as long as he can remember since being with Chanyeol at the beginning of his freshman year in high school, he hasn’t expected them becoming this awkward and painfully tense around each other. All because of an unwanted guest. That wasn’t invited, but showed itself anyway even when he had– they both– had been extra careful even if it wasn't something they often spoke of.

is still an embarrassing topic, it’s better to get it over with without too much of a hassle. Chanyeol was his first, so the he has had is the best because he has nothing else to compare it to, and he hasn’t bothered to ask if Chanyeol has had anyone else before him.

Sure, exes and all, those Chanyeol has in his short history of dating. Jongin doesn't like to think about Chanyeol being in university too much, especially now that they aren’t in a so great relationship. It’s rocky and everything is going downhill and Jongin’s throat closes up at the mere thought of Chanyeol being with someone else.

He shakes his head and looks over at Chanyeol to focus on the task at hand. No point crying over spilt milk, Chanyeol logged off on him because of that last time. “What’s this really about?” He questions and he has an idea but doesn’t entertain it.

“Hey, Jongin?” Chanyeol says and he sounds a little lost. When Jongin looks at him, he sees him standing there looking so out of place and it's too weird and an awful feeling because Chanyeol always carries himself with confidence.

“Yeah?” He answers moments later. His heart is still acting foolishly and pounding too fast.

“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol mumbles, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly and chuckling embarrassingly and Jongin knows he’s trying to laugh off the awkwardness. “Sorry for logging out on you.” He says. He tries to hold their eye contact but Jongin isn’t really up for it, he looks away.

“That was a couple of weeks ago,” He doesn’t know why he says it, the words just flow out and he fails to stop them. He sounds real salty too when he continues, “I’m over it.” And that’s partly true because the selfish side of him wants Chanyeol to apologise for something else.

Chanyeol doesn’t look too convinced, but Jongin isn’t going to enlighten him about it anymore. Pressing whatever many issues they have hovering over them hasn’t helped at all. He’d rather not start arguing with Chanyeol, not right now and not when his parents can return home whenever they feel like closing up the shop for the day to ‘check on him’.

“I’ve been…” When Chanyeol trails off, Jongin eye twitches because this kind of suspense is something he doesn’t need. “I haven’t been honest with you for a while.” He quickly continues, “About what has happened– I tried to act like nothing would change, I hoped for nothing to change between, Jongin.” He sighs heavily. “But an abortion? Neither of us even imagined it’d be this– this messy.”

Jongin doesn’t know what to say to that, he turns his gaze to any place, but Chanyeol. He’s itching to say something; the words refuse to make themselves known and they both stay standing there like idiots in silence.

Jongin hears Monggu shuffling about in his bedroom, probably biting whatever is unfortunate enough to be laying on his floor. He allows himself to think about that to avoid having to reply to Chanyeol.

“You’re really not going to say anything?” Chanyeol asks flatly and Jongin gives it seconds for Chanyeol to start getting worked up. Him acting up, being angry too quickly is common these days and today isn’t a day Jongin feels like handling that nonsense. “I didn’t come all the way here when I have finals waiting for me to talk to a ing brick wall, Jongin.” He rants, sounding more annoyed with every word. “. Why’d you have to be acting all grown up all the time?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Jongin finally says. “You wanted to talk? So talk, Chanyeol. My parents will be here any minute and I don’t think they’ll appreciate seeing you here with me.” He finishes drily.

Chanyeol pauses for a moment as if deciding what to do, he sits on the couch with his hands on his thighs. “They shouldn’t act like any of this is my fault. It’s stupid.” He scoffs.

Jongin narrows his eyes at him, “Don’t talk like your dad’s any better.” This is a dangerous road to go down. Throwing their parents in the mix isn’t the brightest idea and Chanyeol seems to get it, he leans forward in his seat and ruffles his own hair with a frustrated sigh before looking up at Jongin.

Jongin ignores how his heart’s longing for Chanyeol and turns his eyes away. “You should have said something about the abortion. You should have told me you weren’t comfortable with it.” He rambles on, shoulders dropping in distress, “You lied to me, Chanyeol. Lied to my face about how okay and how things would be just fine.” He continues when Chanyeol seems to have nothing to add on, “I aborted a child – no, a foetus.” He pointedly ignores how the words hit Chanyeol’s nerves and pushes on. “Because I was selfish and wanted everything to be back to the way it was and it made the decision knowing full well that others don’t have such luxuries in life–,”

“Shut the up!” Chanyeol snaps and Jongin wishes he swallowed his words and let the hours pass with Chanyeol in silence. He was provoking Chanyeol and he doesn’t even know why. “Then why’d you do it knowing that? Selfishness? I know you’re not an idiot!” He shouts and Jongin flinches when Monggu suddenly barks from the other room. Monggu is a coward when it hears loud voices, won’t come out and Jongin’s glad because he doesn’t want to deal with a barking dog and a pissed Chanyeol.

Jongin knows whatever mature discussion he was planning to have has been thrown out the window. Talking about this same topic over and over – it doesn’t comfort the hole he feels growing in his heart. “Because I’m only seventeen,” He hisses back and he’s wondering where the anger inside him is coming from. He’s getting tired of having to point out his age. “I can’t have a child at this age– I’ve told you this before and I’ll say it again, I’m not a ing idiot to willingly have a baby and make some baby suffer because I want to prove something!” He has to stop. He has got to stop.

The next words flow out before he can stop them, “I’m not you, Chanyeol. I’m not trying to impress some deadbeat dad– to prove to him that I can raise a child better than he can.” The regret comes even before he’s done with the sentence. He stares wide-eyed at Chanyeol, wanting to take it back, but stopping himself and returning to stare at the ground.

“What the , Jongin!” Chanyeol screams and this is the angriest Jongin has heard him. “I know you’re all ed in the head after the abortion, but saying that is ing low–,”

“You could’ve said something!” He cuts in harshly, fist clenched at his sides a he trembles with barely contained rage. “Hiding behind me, letting me decide everything and then it all goes wrong, you start to point fingers?”

“Would you have listened to me?” Chanyeol lowers his voice, this isn’t one of the arguments where he wants to yell louder than Jongin. “Your body, obviously, I can’t tell you what the hell to do with it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.” He goes on, “After the abortion, you’ve changed– you’re not the only one hurting about this. You aren’t the only confused on what to do now.”

“We’ve both changed,” He retorts, chest heaving. Monggu’s still barking, but the puppy hasn’t showed itself. Jongin know it won’t be long before the neighbours match over to their door and rain hell by trying to knock the door in.

“I’m not going to fight with you,” Chanyeol stands from his seat and takes a few steps away from Jongin. “Coming here was ing stupid.” And suddenly Jongin wishes for this to be a bad dream because he knows where this is going. He stares up at Chanyeol, his face pleading silently and there’s determination on Chanyeol’s face that Jongin hasn’t seen in a while.

He shouldn’t feel so upset. Why did he let himself get so angry? At Chanyeol? He loves Chanyeol. He ing loves the living out of Park Chanyeol. He swallows, a laugh of disbelief finds its way out and Jongin abruptly shortens the laugh. “Can’t handle me being a little depressed, can you?” He asks and mentally tells himself to shut up. He doesn’t wait for an answer, “I have to be the best Jongin I can for you to be with me. You and my parents don’t get it– I’m not perfect.”

“Never said you were, never said you couldn’t be depressed.” Chanyeol says, “But this is different. I need to you snap out of it – it’s been going on for too long,” He tells him, and he sounds as cruel as he did on Skype a few weeks back.

“And you’re the older one between us?” Jongin snorts, “Snap out of it? Really, Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol stays silent, standing in the middle of the living room with his hands in his pockets – he didn’t bother taking off his coat, claiming this won’t take too long. “We’re over, there’s no point anymore.” He says coldly and Jongin tries not to let it get to him, he looks away because it hurts to love at the face he loves so much and hearing those words.

He’s collapsing, fists are quivering and his heart is aching. He’s too tired to be dealing with this. “Are you sure?”

Chanyeol stares quiet and he refuses to look at him.

“Chanyeol,” Jongin utters his name softly, the overwhelming pain isn’t releasing him and it’s almost driving him to his knees. Chanyeol is his whole world. He takes a step forward before stopping himself from going any further and finally looking up at Chanyeol. He stares at him for the longest time. He may have entertained the thought of breaking up with Chanyeol, but no. A break up will destroy him.

“You can’t?” He nervously his lips as he frantically blinks back tears. He shakes his head wildly, “You can’t.” He steps closer and reaches out for the hem of Chanyeol’s shirt, he clenches it in his right fist as if it’s the only thing keeping him standing and it is.

“You can’t.” He says the third time and that’s when he notices they are both crying. Jongin immediately throws his arms around Chanyeol and holds him too tightly, “I love you so much– so you can’t.” He says urgently, like he’s broken and he might as well be, pulling back and planting kisses all over Chanyeol’s face. It’s sickening– the desperation to hold onto Chanyeol is enough to strangle him to death.

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off to sleep sigh bop bop baby please don't let me go can't live my life this way