errors i will fix later

()()()()

He’s desperate and willing to give Chanyeol anything. “This–this is a bad idea, Jongin,” He tunes Chanyeol voices out as he fumbles with his boyfriend’s buttons, trying to get them undone, but his hands are shaking so badly and he’s unable to keep his wrecked sobs in check. Chanyeol is crying with him and is soon wrapping his long fingers around Jongin’s wrists to stop his movements.

“Jongin, stop.” Chanyeol tells him, carefully tightening his hold on his wrists before he let go. He puts his arms around him and hugs him tight. He presses a kiss on the nape of Jongin’s neck and sighs, “You’re upset, this isn’t like you,” He whispers and Jongin shakes his head, cheeks heating up because he’s so embarrassed and can’t believe he wants Chanyeol to have with him. . The same thing that got him into this mess. For what? Why?

But he knows Chanyeol wants it too so he leans into his space – rules of personal space already broken– and closes his eyes, the tears are still coming even though he promised himself he won’t act a fool and cry like a lost little child.

He doesn’t brush them away anymore because there’s no point in that. He’s not the only one crying and that somewhat comforts him. He hasn’t seen Chanyeol cry in a long time.

“You’re crying.” Chanyeol says drily and Jongin doesn’t know what to say. He hiccups before looking to the side and leaning more into Chanyeol for support, his arms go around his waist and he holds the shirt in his hands.

“Because everything ,” Chanyeol grumbles, “And we’re both miserable,” He adds on and Jongin shakes his head frantically because he has an idea where Chanyeol is going with this.

“You can’t, Chanyeol.” His jaw trembles. “You promised me we’d be okay.” He sounds like a toddler about to throw a tantrum and holds onto Chanyeol even tighter when he tries to get out of the embrace.

“I love you,” Chanyeol tells him, “I love you so ing much, Jongin– you don’t understand, you’ll never understand.” He breaks out of his hold, but never steps away. Jongin stares at the ground, frown on his face and his hands fall uselessly at his sides. When he cups his face, Jongin makes a noise at the back of his throat and melts when Chanyeol places at soft kiss on his lips. “But I don’t know what to do,” He whispers against his slightly open lips, “I want us to be together, but I don’t know–”

Jongin refuse, stubbornly, “We can be, can’t you see?” He cries silently as he tries to search Chanyeol’s eyes. Their faces are so close, they haven’t been this close in weeks. “You can’t break up with me,” Christ. Can he sound clingier and childish?

When Chanyeol kisses him again, kisses him like there’s no tomorrow, and it’s as though he wants to consume him and it’s greedy and breathy, wet and with the tears they both shed earlier. Jongin kisses him back just as hard and with the same desperation.

“I need, it’s just that–,” Chanyeol pants, sounding conflicted, “I…I need– Jongin, please.” And Jongin gets it because he needs the same thing, he knows they both have a terrible need to just feel. Their strong need for affirmation– he nods.

“Okay,” Jongin breathes out and he’s unable to say anything else when Chanyeol kisses him even harder, he throws his arms around Chanyeol and sighs into the kiss. This is the only thing clearing his mind from everything, Chanyeol’s lips against his work like wonders. “Okay,” He says again because he’s sure about this, he’s sure about what they are about to do. Even if it’s the same deed that got them here in the first place because despite all that has happened they are still teenagers with hormones and being psychically intimate is better than talking.

()()()()

They don’t get very far. One moment he’s eager, can’t wait because may be awkward and grossly imitate, but it has been too long, and the next moment he’s pulling away from Chanyeol’s lingering touches as if burnt when he hears the front door slam open. “,” He hears Chanyeol say and Jongin barely spares him a glance and he crawls from under him, quickly starts to pull on his briefs and jeans.

“Jongin!” It’s Jongdae and Jongin’s is relieved it’s not any of his parents because this kind of nonsense won’t fly with them.

“W–what?” He wants to hit himself for stuttering as he stumbles towards his door. He glances over at Chanyeol, he’s getting dressed and Jongin gestures for him to stay put. “What?” He asks again as he slips out of his room and closes the door behind him.

Jongdae stops short and stares at him, “You okay?” He asks as he continues to intently stare at him and that’s when he notices he’s shaking a little.

He nods, “Yeah– just another bad day.” He answers and Jongdae looks a little sceptical.

“Do you want dad to stretch the hours with your counsellor? Talk to her more–,”

“No, no!” He protests loudly and backtracks when he’s stared at weirdly, he’s shifting his weight from foot to foot, now, unsure of what else to say.

“Sure,” Jongdae shrugs, “I forgot something in my room, tell mum and dad I’m spending the rest of the week in my dorm.” He doesn’t wait for a response and goes off down the hallway in a hurry, Jongin knows that Jongin announcing that he’ll be staying at his dorm is a massive lie. He says nothing in response and stays outside his room on guard and uncomfortable.

When Jongdae walks back, he’s cast a weird look, “Whatever you’re doing,” He pauses, “Stop it.” And then he walks off before Jongin can even ask him what he’s talking about. The front door closes shut.

He walks back into his bedroom and closes the door behind him, leaning against it and breathing out softly. Chanyeol immediately stands up from his bed and walks over to him, pulling him into his arms and kissing the side of his neck before sighing. “Sorry,” He whispers so quietly that Jongin almost misses it.

Holding onto Chanyeol’s shirt and resting his face into his shoulder, “It’s okay,” He says in a trembling voice and tightens his grip. “He doesn’t know you’re here so it’s okay,” He says and he doesn’t know how to feel about it– if his family will be hostile with Chanyeol and not want him around, it’ll be hard before Jongin wants Chanyeol with him.

A game of hide and seek with Chanyeol and his parents is out of the question.

“I should go,” Chanyeol declares and Jongin’s grip holds onto him even tighter than before, shaking his head and whispering soft protests. “Jongin,” He starts, “Your parents can show up anytime or your brother–”

“You won’t come back.” Jongin grumbles, “I don’t trust you to come back,” He continues, “Because you respect my parents too much to step over their boundaries.”

“Clearly not because I’m here,” He laughs a bit and Jongin’s heart skips a beat because it has been a while since he has heard Chanyeol’s genuine laugh. “Come see me next week– ask them,”

“They won’t like it because they don’t trust me–” Chanyeol cuts him off before he can go off into a rant.

“Just ask them, alright?” Chanyeol sighs, “They were stubborn about letting you see me before–”

Jongin cuts him off with a groan, feeling a little like himself again. “Before I got pregnant and had an abortion.” He releases Chanyeol and steps away, inhaling and exhaling deeply. He doesn’t want a repeat of his parents not trusting him to stay over a Chanyeol– it’s a trust he has already lost and knows he won’t be able to gain back no matter how much he begs. “I know they’re waiting for me to get better before they can get even stricter with me.” He says honestly and it’s something that has been bugging him for a while. He wants to be with Chanyeol, but if their lack of communication and him almost never seeing Chanyeol continues, it’ll will ruin him.

This is why Jongin sometimes hates that his life revolves around Chanyeol.

It all feels like a repeat of the first few months after Chanyeol got into university, Jongin’s parents were sort of strict about him spending the night there. He made up for it with his grades until he ed up and broke their trust. They’ve been too busy with trying to make him feel better that they haven’t giving Chanyeol much thought; they may have allowed Chanyeol to stay over with Jongin after the termination and Jongin knows it was only for his benefit and nothing else.

Silences hovers over them, Jongin having nothing more to say and Chanyeol offering nothing. He doesn’t want Chanyeol to leave yet, “Stay with me,” He mutters, “Few minutes is all I’m asking,” He says as he fingers play with Chanyeol’s belt and the answer he gets is a husky ‘alright’.

()()()()

“Not much here,” Jongin mumbles to himself as he examines his abdomen, he traces over the barely seem scares and frowns– Chanyeol didn’t mention anything about them, but Jongin knows he saw them. He doesn’t know he’s feeling insecure all of a sudden when three days ago he was underneath Chanyeol– obviously – without a thought or care in the world. “Whatever,” He picks up an old shirt from the newly folded laundry pile and puts it on before dumping his uniform into the dirty laundry basket and stalking out of the bedroom.

His parents are home, his father is napping away in the master bedroom and he knows if his mother’s isn’t on the sofa watching the local news then she’s outside on the veranda on the phone with his grandfather, keeping him updating on everything she can; obviously leaving out the part about him being once upon a time knocked up– but it’s silent, so she’s probably laying on the couch.

He thinks of what to do, go to his room and lock himself in there and go in the living room and spend time with his mother. He rarely seems much of her or his father because he’s always avoiding them. The guilt is still there, the feeling of being a disappointment is something he knows will never go away.

He wonders when he’ll be able to speak to his parents like before– before wasn’t all that great. Before was all about his grades and behaviour in school, but before was good because before must they didn’t in too much in his relationship with Chanyeol and as far as they were concerned, he wasn’t ually active.

Before was good, but before is the past now and he needs to stop thinking about the past. Nothing’s ever going to be the same again with his parents, he gets that and wants to understand that it won’t. Nothing will also be the same with Chanyeol, but no, he’ll forever be selfish when it comes to Chanyeol.

He lingers for a while by the door, staring at his mother sitting on the couch with Monggu sleeping over her lap. He takes a step back, turns around and heads towards his room. “Maybe next time,” He thinks, maybe next time when he’s comfortable with her.

()()()()

merry christmas o(*≧□≦)o