bit of swearing and errors bcuz its 4 a.m.

()()()()

He visits the hospital’s counsellor twice every week– required procedure or something, he barely pays much attention to anything anymore– and the two hours with her are spent in painfully awkward silence, with the clock moving too slowly and her questions are always left hanging in the air.

“For this to work you have to talk to me,” She says and Jongin is mentally counting how many minutes he has left– fifteen minutes before he gets to leave and go home.

He will not go home because it’s not any better there. He’s still skittish around his parents and is still unable to look them in the eye without the guilt trying to choke him.

“I’m fine.” He tells her, says the same thing he tells his own parents and Jongdae and sometimes Chanyeol. Chanyeol rarely buys that, but on the days he does, it’s usually because he’s distracted with something else or fed up with Jongin’s lack of communication.

“Is your boyfriend– Chanyeol, was it?– still in the picture? Is he someone you can talk to?” She eyes him intently as she waits for his answer, she obviously sees whatever expression is on his face and doesn’t look at all pleased.

“He is,” He forces out. It’s kind of a lie because it’s not always that he tells Chanyeol everything, some thoughts he has are better kept to himself and locked away.

“Alright then, Jongin,” She clears , “How is school?”

()()()()

He wanders around aimlessly when he leaves the hospital with no intent of going home anytime soon and he soon finds himself inside Chanyeol’s dormitory complex. He stands in the hallway a few doors away from Chanyeol’s door and starts to toy with his phone, wondering if he should text Chanyeol to let him know he’s outside or if he should turn around and go home.

Chanyeol doesn’t have time to always babysit him when he feels like– like nothing. He feels empty and lost and everything just feels so wrong.

If only he had someone else to turn to– the lack of people to turn to when in need in his life is weighing down on him even worse than before.

He breathes shakily and looks around. The hallway is deserted and it’s not at all surprising because examinations are just around the corner and he knows most people are studying – he knows Chanyeol is studying and that’s the only thing that gets him to turn around and leave the complex.

He needs to stop being so selfish and stand on his own.

()()()()

Jongin’s grades have slipped a little, but not to the point that it raises at lot of questions. He knows he’s parents are worried about his grades, about how the abortion will affect them, but so far there’s nothing too extreme happening with his grades.

He spaces out a lot in class these days, gets called out by his teachers for it– gets a few snickers from his classmates, but he makes up for it at home because he doesn’t want to think too much about anything else so he grabs his textbooks and studies until his eyes start to burn and he fails to comprehend the words on the pages.

()()()()

A month and a few weeks fly by and he never sees Chanyeol in person– they call, text and Skype each other, but that’s where it stops. Jongin shuts down Chanyeol’s advances to come see him and Chanyeol almost never bothers to put up a fight anymore.

They never talk about the abortion, set on avoiding it like a disease, it’s brushed under the rag and Jongin doesn’t have enough confidence to bring it up any longer– he doesn’t want to and he also doesn’t admit that sometimes he wakes up with his pillow soaked in tears and his heart aching painfully. He doesn’t tell anymore, not Chanyeol, not his family or his counsellor that he’s longing for something he doesn’t know.

He can’t say he misses Chanyeol too much because sounding clingy and dependent is the last thing he wants. And because Chanyeol seems to be having issues of his own. He’s always complaining about university or his father, their relationship is rocky and just plain awful now and Jongin knows it has something to do with him– Chanyeol denies it whenever Jongin asks and it always puts him on edge because he knows that’s a lie.

“He’s against abortion and I’ve aborted his would be grandchild,” Jongin spits out finally, he doesn’t know why he’s angry, but he just is and feels like bursting if he holds it in any longer. He and Chanyeol need to talk about a lot of things and there’s never a right time so Jongin blurts it out and hopes they finally talk and get a few feelings off their chests. Enough pretending that everything is perfect because it isn’t. He maybe young, but he’s not an idiot and he doesn’t appreciate being treated like one. “He wants you to break it off with me, doesn’t he?”

Jongin watches Chanyeol let out an exasperated sigh on the small screen of his Skype. He bites his lower lip when Chanyeol stays silent, his insides twisting and he wants to throw up from fear that just slams into him from nowhere.

“This isn’t something I want to talk about,” Chanyeol’s rough voice comes, the audio is a slower than his movements, he’s adjusting his headphones and brushing his hair from his forehead as he continues dismissively and it steps on Jongin’s nerves. “Maybe later.” Chanyeol adds as an afterthought and shrugs and Jongin feels his blood boil. He feels irrationally angry now and he knows it’s because he has been holding in so much anger for everything for far too long.

“Why won’t you be an adult about this?!” He shouts and sees Chanyeol wince because of the loudness– Jongin’s own voice echoes in his room and he tries to keep it low because his parents and Jongdae are home, the last thing he wants is them sticking their noses in this. “It’ll never go anyway and not talking about it doesn’t ing help and you know it, Chanyeol.” He breathes heavily and he half expects Chanyeol to calm him down, but no, Chanyeol suddenly instead gets as angry as he feels and this is the most expressive Jongin has seen him since it all happened.

“I tried. I tried to get you to talk about it, but you always got upset and shut me down every goddamn time,” He hisses, “Are you forgetting that I have limits to how much bull from you I can take? ing hell, Jongin, you’re not the only affected by this whole– this whole ing mess!”

He swallows, lower lip trembling and hands shaking because he knows part of this is his fault and sometimes he forgets that Chanyeol has feelings, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. “Do you – do you regret not stopping me?”

“Yeah, I do regret it.” His response is quick and harsh and it breaks something in Jongin. “We could’ve made it work somehow.” It’s Chanyeol’s face he’s looking at, but it doesn’t sound like him. Chanyeol has never been this spiteful and the Chanyeol he’s used to him always goes out of his way to be there for him.

“None of us have jobs, we’re both in school and supported by our parents– how the were we going to make it work?” Jongin retorts just as sharply because they can’t afford to be stupid about this and Chanyeol’s is being stupid, “Are you insane? Not everyone can be as strong as your dad!”

Chanyeol stays silent and just stares at him blankly and Jongin feels like dying a little. “Why didn’t you stop me if you felt this way?” He whispers the question and it sounds pathetic to his own ears because of how weak he sounds.

“Because I’m not cruel,” Chanyeol says quietly, “I’d never force you to do anything you don’t want to– you know that.” He looks down and Jongin sees how hard he’s clenching his fists. “I just can’t look at you the same way anymore– I’m trying, but it’s hard and I just don’t know where to go from here.”

“You–”

“I get angry every so often and I don't want it to, but it affects how I feel about you, you know?” Chanyeol cuts him off, “Because you look so relieved about it sometimes and I–”

“Stop.” Jongin chokes out, “Just stop talking and off.” He’s wiping furiously at his face and feeling awful about himself because he’s the only one crying about it.

“Baby, stop crying,” Chanyeol says, his tone softer now.

“I can’t because I still can’t believe it,” Jongin cries out as he covers his face with his trembling hands, “You made me think you were with me – and now you just throw this in my face,” He inhales deeply, trying to calm himself down because he knows he looks pretty stupid like this– crying his eyes out and being loud about it like a small child.

“Look, Jongin,” He mutters, looking pained. “Please stop crying already.” He sounds tired now, “I need to go–”

“No, don’t leave!” And it sounds too needy and desperate, Chanyeol looks at him and for a second Jongin thinks he’ll stay, but his heart shatters when the Skype call ends and Chanyeol logs off.