“My Umma was really weak. After she had given birth to me her condition got even worse. She held on till my4th birthday. She died while my Appa and I were holding her hand.” he felt tears coming up and closed his eyes. Ryeowook, who sat beside him, put a hand on his shoulder “You don´t have to tell us if you can´t”

“No, it´s okay.” he opened his eyes and smiled at Ryeowook. He took his hand and held it. Ryeowook blushed lightly but let Yesung hold it.

“My Appa´s world collapsed that day. He always said I looked like my mom, so I were like an haunting ghost for him.” Yesung closed his eyes again and gripped stronger at Ryeowook´s hand. “He tried everything for me. He tried and tried and tried. After he had lost his job he didn´t have any power anymore, he hold on one year.

He first hided his sorrow in working and doing everything for me. He loved my Umma more than anyone...” his voice cracked.

“It´s okay. Take your time” Donghae said reassuring.

“After my Appa had lost his job he began hiding his sorrow in alcohol. He had saved enough money for us to hold on for one year.. I were only four back than and I tried everything to bring back his smile, but I learned soon that I should stay away from him. He had rage attacks.. but he never laid a hand on me, he just threw things against the wall.” he stopped.

“So he was still loving you.” Ryeowook stoke through Yesung´s hair.

“Yes.. he was. I got into a car accident, I barely survived. My Appa was standing beside my bed and cried. He repeated and repeated that he was sorry. I hated him telling me he was sorry.. but I hated it more to see him crying.

He stopped drinking and he began to be like how he was when my mom was alive.. but I just thought he was.. 2 months later he took his live. I found him and the letter he had left for me. He apologized again and again. That´s kinda the reason why I hate it to be apologized too.. He wrote that he couldn´t take it anymore.. he couldn´t live without my Umma.” Yesung cried “He said he tried everything but he couldn´t take it … not anymore. At the end of the letter.. he wrote.. that I made my Umma and him so happy, they were so proud of me.. and that it´s not my fault.. he wrote... he loved me” he started crying harder. Ryeowook hugged him tightly.

Donghae and Hyukjae looked at each other. They would make a good couple - they knew what the other thought.

“It´s alright, it´s alright. Let it out” Ryeowook whispered.

“It´s all my fault! They died because of me!” Yesung cried.

“It´s not! Your Appa said it himself right? He said it´s not your fault!” Ryeowook scolded.

“But without me my Umma would have never died! They are all right, I´m at fault they are dead!” he still gave himself the fault.

Ryeowook put Yesungs head up so he could look at Yesung´s eyes “But she was happy because of you! They both were! She decided to give birth to you! They were so proud of you!” he smiled gently.

Yesung looked at Ryeowook´s eyes. “You have the same eyes as my Umma..”

Ryeowook was surprised.

“I don´t remember much about her, but I remember her strong, gently and shining eyes. You have the same one.” he still looked at Ryeowook´s eyes. Ryeowook tried to look away but Yesung gripped his face and forced him gently to look at him. “Never ever lose them.. Never ever let anyone change them.. and never ever let anyone hurt you!” It was like the two of them forgot Hyukjae and Donghae were there too. The two boys were widely grinning at them, feeling something will happen, something between Yesung and Ryeowook.

Yesung and Ryeowook looked a little bit longer at each other, till Ryeowook blushed and looked uncomfortable. Yesung let go of him and then recognized Hyukjae´s and Donghae´s big fat smile. He also blushed at the awkwardly situation.

“It´s already 2 in the morning, I think we should go sleep” Hyukjae brought the silence. “But before that you have to tell us, who was the one who beat you up?”

“...do I have to?” he was uncomfortable with this question.

“Your a friend of us. If someone beats you up we will beat him up!” Donghae smiled.

“..I owe him my life.. he and Umma saved me..” Yesung looked down.

“You mean Mr. Han?!” Ryeowook was shocked.

“Yes. But I´m not angry with him”

“Why?! He beats you?! And i´m right if I assume it´s not the first time?” Hyukjae got a bit angry.

“Like I said, I owe him my life. He took me in here, without him I would have ended up in the other orphanage and that would have killed me. They are bad people.”

“But still..” Donghae tried to protest but Yesung cut him.

“Without him and Umma I wouldn´t be here. I hate him, I really hate him, but I still owe him my life. The only thing I won´t ever forgive him is if he ever hits one of the girls or Umma. As long as it´s just me it´s okay, I can take it.” Yesung looked at them. “He resembles my Appa in some ways.. it makes me wanna change him..” he murmured. Ryeowook Yesung´s back. “But still this doesn´t justify him beating you. Yesung, we are worried about you.”

Yesung smiled lovely. “I have friends.. and they are worried about me.. I´m dreaming, right?”

“No, your not. It´s real. If you wake up we will still be beside you, so don´t worry.” Donghae soothes him.

The boys went to sleep. Yesung slept with them on the floor.

Donghae and Hyukjae were cuddling with each other and Ryeowook laid between them and Yesung.

Yesung drifted away to dreamland, wishing this wasn´t a dream.

He was a 3 years old boy playing outside with his Appa. He pushed him on the swings, watched him so he wouldn´t fall from the slide and carried him piggyback. His Umma was watching them from the terrace and was smiling brightly. Finally after 5 months she was home again.

The little boy loved the smile of his mother, if she was happy he would be happy, too. Like always.

She was weak, but he never remembers to see her ever crying. Maybe her body was weak but her soul was strong, stronger than anyone´s. She tried her best to survive, to stay alive, for her two boys, her son and her husband.

“Honey, don´t overwork yourself!” the little boy´s father was worried.

“Don´t overdo it! I know when I am at my limit” she smiled. His father kissed his mother. “I love you”

“I love you more”

“Impossible”

She laughed. “Than I love you as much as you love me” she kissed him.

The small boy smiled widely. He loved his parents so much. They were always so happy and he didn´t remember them arguing.

It was getting dark and they went inside to watch a movie together. The boy cuddled between his parents and felt at ease in their warm arms. He missed this feeling so much. Lying in his parents arms made him so so happy.

The next moment he was in a hospital room holding the hand of his mother while crying “Umma.. Umma...Umma”

“Don´t cry my sunshine” she smiled weakly.

“Promise me to stay.. promise us.. we need you!” the boys father pleaded.

“I can´t.. I have to go.. I love you, both!” she knew her time was over. “There is only one thing I will regret. I won´t be able to see my little sunshine growing up to a fine man...” She started coughing.

“Dear!” his Appa was terrible worried.

“I´m fine..” she smiled. “You have to promise me something..”

“Anything!”

“Take your time following me!”

He stayed quiet.

“Please..” she pleaded.

“I can´t promise, but I will try..”

“I hope so ... Jong Woon? Can you promise me something, too?”

The little boys watched up from his mother´s hand and tried to stop crying, but he didn´t success.

“Look after your dad and be a fine man. Find lots of friends and find your big love.. like me. “ she smiled at her husband. “I will be always watching you.. I love you!” that time was the first the little boy saw his mom ever crying. And it should be the last.

“I promise, Umma!” he enclosed his smallest finger with the smallest of his mother. “Pinky promise”

After twenty minutes his mother fell peacefully asleep. The boy and his father hold her hand till she stopped breathing. It was the worst day ever. He could only hear his dad and himself crying out loud.

The scenery changed into the room of an old house. The house where Yesung and his father were living. He was now 5 years old.

“Appa.. you should stop drinking..” he tried to stop his dad.

“This is non of your business!” the drunk man shouted.

“Appa.. it´s not good for you..” the little boy looked down.

“Shut up” he shouted.

“But-” the boy began.

“I told you to SHUT UP!” he threw a bottle against the wall. Yesung shrugged and knew he should let his father be.

He tried everything to look after his dad, he did everything a 5 years old could do. He promised it, so he MUST keep it.

The scenery changed again. He was walking alone on the sidewalk of the street on his way home from kindergarten. A car in front of him lost it´s control and hit Yesung badly. Everything went black.

He woke up in a bright white room and saw his father lying next to him muttering over and over “I´m sorry”. He was crying.

“Appa...?”

The man shoot up when he heard the voice of his son. “Thank god.. your awake..” he pulled the boy into a huge and whispered “I´m so sorry..”

“I promised, right? I have to look after you so I won´t die.” the little boy smiled at him. His dad began to cry harder “Yes, you promised.. and you do a good job!”

Everything went back to like it was before, except his mother was not there. His dad smiled again and took him everywhere he wanted to.

Two months passed and the boy was on his way back home. He was so excited, because today was his birthday.

When he entered home, it was silent. “Appa?” the boy shouted. Did he forget? But it´s my birthday.. the boy thought.

The boy searched everywhere. The last room was the bathroom, he entered and found his dad. Lying on the floor with one hand in the bathtub. Yes, this would be the second birthday he would never forget. His 4^th and now his 6^th. The water in the bathtub was all red, it was blood. The blood of his father. “APPA!” the boy ran to him crying. He shook his dad but he wouldn´t wake up. He ran to the woman next door. “Ms. Han! Ms. Han! Dad is not waking up! Help me..” the boy cried. The woman walked with the boy back to the bathroom. “I shook him and shook him but dad won´t open his eyes... did he forget? Today is my birthday!” the boy was hysterical. He knew why he won´t open his eyes.. but he could not accept it. “Oh boy...” the woman took him into a huge. After that she had called the police.

The woman walked to the boy who was crying the whole time. “He left a letter for you.. can you read?” she asked him.

“Not everything..” he answered whispering.

“I will read it for you”

My beloved boy..I´m sorry.. I really am. But I can´t take it anymore.. I can´t live without your mom. I loved her so much.. it hurts it really hurts.

You know, you look just like her. You have the same hair, the same beautiful smile..and the same wonderful eyes.. like a haunting ghost.. but you weren´t! She always called you sunshine, do you know why? Because you were on dark days her sun.. the sun rays which touched her.. the sun rays which got through all dark clouds. You were here sunshine, her, our, beloved little sunshine. You made us so damn happy and I don´t, just like your mother, regret getting such a cute, lovely, beautiful, wonderful and loved little boy.

After her death I was caught in my own sadness and after I lost my job it was like if I try I will lose everything so I stopped trying. But you stayed by my side.. you always were looking after me.. like you promised her. And I´m so thankful for that! I´m sorry for being such a bad dad, I only noticed it when you got into an accident. If I would have lost you, I couldn´t live anymore.. my world would have collapsed again. You survived and I am so thankful for that. I´m sorry... so sorry I were such a bad dad.. I just can´t take it anymore.. everything I love will go someday.. so I decided to go before the last person I love more than myself will go too. I´m sorry.. I really am.. but I can´t.. I love you.. so much it hurts.. you are my everything.. I couldn´t keep my promise to her... but you did! You watched after me and you are a fine boy. Stay the way you are.. I know I have no right after breaking my promise with her.. but please.. please promise me to keep her promise. Be a fine man, find lots of friends and find your big love.

There are some things I want you to always remember..

please.. don´t forget the happy times we were together as a family..

please.. don´t forget us, your mom and me..

please.. don´t change, stay the way you are..

and please.. don´t ever forget.. this is NOT YOUR fault! It´s mine.. i´m not as strong as your mom was.. i´m sorry..i´m so sorry for leaving you alone.. stay strong! You are not as weak as I am.. you are strong.. strong like your mother!

My little boy.. I´m sorry for so much.. I wish I could stay.. but I can´t.

Never ever forget that your mother and I loved you more than anything!

Jong Woon... I love you! Goodbye.

The small boy was crying. No one could stop him.

“Appa.. Appa.. why .. why.. come back! Appa!! I need you! Appa!! I will be a fine boy I will do everything but please come back.. come back to me!”

“Come back!” Yesung cried in his sleep.

“Yesung! Yesung!” Donghae shook him to wake up and the other 2 boys were calling him.

Yesung opened his eyes and sat up. He saw the 3 boys with a worried look.

“What happened?” Ryeowook asked.

“...” Yesung didn´t answer. He felt tears on his cheek and them away.

“Yesung?” Hyukjae was worried too.

“..I-I had a dream..” he whispered. He looked at his hands and for a moment he thought he saw blood. Yesung shrugged and the recognized it was just his imagination. Tears started to flow down his cheeks again. “It.. it was a dream..” he covered his face and began to cry.

“Yesung calm down” Donghae the back of Yesung.

At that moment Heechul walked in. “Ne, are you still sleep- Yesung?!” he walked to him. “What happened?!”

“I think he had a nightmare..” Ryeowook said worried. Heechul knelt down and took Yesung into a huge. “It was just a dream.. just a dream..” he shushed.

“I.. I..” Yesung began but his voice cracked.

“It´s okay. Take your time” Heechul Yesungs hair to calm him down.

“I dreamed.. about the day... the day mom had passed away..” his voice cracked again. “and than.. about after her death.. with dad .. and about m-my 6^th birthday.. it was so real.. Heechul it was so real!” he began to cry even harder and hugged Heechul stronger.

“It´s over.. it´s over...” Heechul didn´t know what to else to say.

After Yesung had calmed down, Heechul stood up and walking out of the room, he took the 3 boys with him to the kitchen.

“Umma? Can you go to Yesung?”

“Why? What happened?” she asked surprised.

“He had a dream.. about his past”

“Oh no.. Ryeowook-ahh can you please watch after the food? I will be back after I had talked to Yesung.” she walked to his room.

“What happened?” Hangeng walked yawing into the kitchen

“Yesung had a dream” Hyukjae answered.

“Again?”

“This time it was about his past..” Heechul was worried.

“This always happens when his birthday is coming near.. but I can understand it. It will be a trauma for him forever.” Hangeng sat on a chair at the table.

“Just like his fear of blood.” Heechul said.

“Why is he afraid of blood?” Donghae asked.

“Did he tell you something about his parents last night?” Hangeng looked at them.

“Yes?” Hyukjae was confused.

“Did he tell you how his dad died?”

“No, just that it was suicide and that he found him.”

“Like I thought. He´s afraid of blood, because his dad took his life in the bathroom. He cut his artery at his hand. He bled to death and Yesung found him. Umma said everywhere was blood and since than Yesung had always had a phobia of blood.” Heechul said sadly. “I wish he wouldn´t have found his father..” Hangeng stood up and hugged Heechul from the back. “I think we all think that way. But we can´t change it, but we can help him overcoming his fear or helping him” he smiled and kissed Heechul´s cheek.

Twenty minutes later Ms. Han came back with Yesung behind her. His eyes were all red and swollen. “Sorry.. for crying so suddenly.” Yesung said while hiding behind Ms. Han.

“Don´t worry about that, we can understand it. It must be hard, right?” Ryeowook smiled gently at Yesung and he smiled with a small smile back.

They ate breakfast and Yesung didn´t say a word the whole time, he was deep in thoughts. He was ashamed of crying so much and being so weak in front of Ryeowook, Hyukjae and Donghae. Yesung was feeling so weak. Your wrong Appa.. i´m not as strong as Umma.. i´m weak just like you. He hold his forehead which burned.

“Yesung? Is everything okay?” Ms. Han asked.

“Hmm? Yes,yes everything is okay” he smiled. But she showed him just a unbelieving look, he couldn´t fool her. “Really, i´m fine” he tried his best smile. “If you say so” she still looked worried.

Ryeowook PV:

In the afternoon they went home. On their way Hyukjae asked Ryeowook if he would like coming with Donghae to his house. Ryeowook hadn´t anything else planned for the day so he agreed.

They were sitting in Hyukjae´s room and talking about unimportant things till their topic got to Yesung.

“He´s such a poor guy... It´s a wonder he can still smile..” Donghae said sadly.

“Now I kinda understand why he is the way he is..” Hyukjae was also sad.

“He went through so much and it must have had hurt so much.. he really is strong, I wouldn´t be able to live on...” Ryeowook had teary eyes. “We should take good care of him, so he will never lose his smile, I kinda like his smile.” he smiled.

“Do you like Yesung?” Donghae asked sneakily.

“Hmm. Yeah I do?” Ryeowook answered. “Wait. Which kind of like do you mean?” he knew Donghae well so he knew he was out on something.

“We want to know if you like him more than just liking him as a friend” Hyukjae grinned. Ryeowook blushed lightly. “Ha! Your are blushing! So you do like him more as just a friend!” Hyukjae was really excited about this.

“I.. I don´t know” Ryeowook got even redder.

“Do you feel more than friendship for him?” Donghae asked.

“Somehow.. yes. But I don´t know him so well and I kinda want to make him smile.” he was nervous.

“Don´t be nervous. And love is not about knowing each other. If you fall in love you want to know even more about the other person, you are getting curious and you want that person to smile forever.” Donghae smiled gently at him.

“i don´t know if it is love but I want to find out..” he smiled.

Yesungs birthday got closer and closer and his nightmares worse and more realistic than ever. He only slept for a few hours and was getting quieter and quieter. Ryeowook and the rest noticed he didn´t smile as oft as he did before. Yuri and Ryeowook were the most worried about Yesung.

“Oppa? Are you okay?” the little girl was worried.

“Yes, sunshine i´m fine.” he smiled.

“But you don´t sleep much and you seem tired and sad.”

“You don´t have to worry. After that day will be over I will be my usual self again.” he tried to sooth her. Like always he said the same things every time someone asked about how he was feeling. He didn´t like it to make the other worried but he couldn´t change it. Faking a smiling face wasn´t his thing.

On the next day in school the teacher told everyone Yesung´s birthday “So the next birthday approaching is our new students one. It´s on the 23^rd. Yesung-sii what do you would like for your birthday?”

“I would like to celebrate my birthday on the 24^th. I don´t like the 23^rd so it would be really nice.” Yesung answered.

“Why don´t you like the day of your birthday? It´s a day you should be happy!” the teacher didn´t know the reason.

“I lost two precious people to me on my 4^th and on my 6^th birthday so for me it is a day of sadness.” Yesung said calmly.

“Oh no, i´m sorry! I didn´t know!” Mr. Park panicked.

“Don´t worry.” Yesung said shortly. Mr. Park changed the subject because he saw it was uncomfortably for Yesung to talk about it.

In the break Yesung was with Ryeowook on the rooftop. They sat beside each other and ate their food. “What are you gonna do after school today?” Ryeowook asked.

“I´m going home.”

“We wanna go watch a movie do you want to come with us?” the three boys agreed to distract Yesung from his thoughts.

“I would love to, but I can´t. He is at home today”

“Oh to bad..” Ryeowook was a little disappointed.

“But next time I will come with you” he smiled at him.

Shortly after that Yesung fell asleep on Ryeowook´s shoulder. Since the past few days this was normal and Ryeowook didn´t hate it at all. This made him feel closer to Yesung. Yesung also liked sleeping beside Ryeowook, because that made him feel at ease and he didn´t have any nightmares.

Ryeowook did everything to not wake Yesung up, he stayed quiet and enjoyed the moments. He nearly fell asleep but than Yesung spoke “Do you believe in god?” This was a surprising question for Ryeowook. “Yes, I do?” Yesung stayed quiet. “Why do you ask?” Ryeowook asked. Yesung didn´t answer. “Do you believe in god?” Ryeowook tried with another question. “Would it be bad if I don´t believe?” Yesung answered this time. “No it wouldn´t. It´s everyone´s choice to believe or not. So you don´t believe?” Ryeowook wanted to look at Yesung´s face but he was still lying on his shoulder and was looking to the ground. “I do. Even after everything that had happened i´m still believing.” Yesung closed his eyes again “...and I hope someday he will be watching me too..” he muttered while falling asleep again. Ryeowook stoke Yesung´s hair while whispering “I´m sure he was always watching you..”

A/N:

Here is the next chapter >.<

Please comment what you think!:) I hope you enjoyed it.

I´m feeling so bad right now, I made my bias go to such a thing!

I will update again as soon as possible! I had holidays but school is starting again on Monday._.