I'm so sorry. I know you had to wait for so long and now I will go and bury myself deep into the ground. I won't promise anything anymore because it seems I can't keep it. :'(( So please don't be mad at me.

And I hope I can make it up to you with a long chapter which includes a lot of happenings. But really. The exciting things have started...

Sorry for the grammar mistakes, I just hurried so much that I haven't read it yet.

Sehun felt stupid. Because he was. How could he think about such things when he was the reason of everything which had happened to them? How could he think about kissing Luhan?

He looked down to the boy who was now calmly sleeping beside him, pressing his petite body against his. Yes, again. Luhan asked him to sleep in his bed one more time because he was afraid that the nightmares would appear again. And Sehun just smiled. Because the Chinese male looked like an angel next to him and he seemed to be so relaxed and calm as if he had taken sleeping pills in.

Slowly he reached out his hand and brushed the stray locks out of Luhan’s beautiful face. It was just a poor excuse to touch him but it was the most which he could do. Because he couldn’t kiss him. Just simply no. When the previous day he leaned down he almost did it. He almost closed the gap between them but then he looked into the endless dark irises and he wasn’t able to do it. Because that would have been unfair. Yeah, that would have meant the everything to him: kissing Luhan, feeling his lips against his own, tasting that sweet aroma of his but the guilt that he had caused the pain, that he had brought the danger into the boy’s life just didn’t allow him to end his action. Instead, he just buried his face into Luhan’s shoulder and cried. Cried because during these days he had been always acting like a strong, brave man, he had been always acting like he could protect the other, but it was just not true. He wasn’t capable of it. He meant more harm for Luhan than peace. He was nothing more just a helpless kid. Just a burden and he thought that maybe that would be the best for Luhan if he left. Then maybe he would be able to protect him because now he was continuously failing miserably. And it felt terribly wrong.

"You can't fail, Sehun."
"I know."
"Just do what we have talked about and then it will be okay. That's a test, my son. If you pass, nothing can get in your way anymore. If you fail... well we shouldn't even talk about it."
"I get it. Can I go, father?"
"Yes." .... "And Sehun?"
"Father?"
"Please.. be careful. I want to be proud of you."
"It's good to hear that you are not proud yet. Dad."

Dad. Why sounded it so bitter to him? And what was that test? Tons of questions flooded Sehun's mind but he was sure that this wasn't related to the school graduation. It felt heavier than that and somehow he suspected that it had to do something with his first piece of memory. Important. But what was so important? What was the thing he had to do?

Suddenly Luhan stirred next to him. He looked so cute that Sehun's heart almost hurt when he glanced at him but in the end he just leaned down and buried his face into the boy's hair. He let himself take a deep breath of the sweet scent of the strawberry shampoo and closed his eyes. He was still tired. And slowly he fell asleep to the warmth of the small body cuddling to him.

When Sehun woke up next time, the bed was already empty beside him. It wasn’t surprising. The smell of fresh coffee filled the room and the dull sound of typing was heard from outside. Judging from the quick knocks of fingertips on the keyboard Luhan must be really into something. So Sehun sat up and sleepily rubbing his eyes he shuffled out of the bedroom.

Luhan was sitting in front of his laptop sometimes scrunching his nose up when he got stuck in the process of typing. For a minute or two Sehun was just watching him tilting his head to the side. It was the first time he saw him writing. He was too deep in the procedure not being aware of Sehun’s presence but the boy didn’t mind it. Because this was one of the rare times when he was able to see Luhan’s real self which wasn’t poisoned by fear, terror and death. And he liked it. He liked the free Luhan, he liked knowing him better from day to day. And he just smiled to himself as he slowly walked behind him and wrapping his hands around his thin frame he leaned his chin on Luhan’s shoulder.

“What are you doing?” He asked curiously while his eyes followed the appearance of the new letters on the screen. And Luhan didn’t even flinch after Sehun’s surprise embrace. He would have jumped up scared another time but now he continued to work with a huge concentration.

“I have to write this article for Minseok…” The male answered simply. He tried to ignore the fact how close Sehun was to him. He tried to ignore the pictures in his head about the previous day. He tried to forget the throbbing pain coming from his ribs. But the young boy didn’t let him as he just frowned and then Luhan remembered all of them. He remembered everything unlike Sehun.

“I thought you had told him no.” His breath was tickling Luhan’s skin and his lips gently touched the other’s ear. Luhan closed his eyes for a moment. He tried not to think about Sehun’s sweet scent and his simple presence due to which a warm shiver was running up and down his spine. He swallowed down a sigh. It was too much. The feeling that the boy caused was simply too much but he still wasn’t willing to let go of this tiny piece. He wanted to cling onto it. Maybe until his own death.

“Sehun...” His voice was as small and weak as a butterfly but the boy was still able to hear him. Because he would have been able to hear Luhan even from Hell.

“Hmm?” Luhan quivered. He wished Sehun hadn’t been so close to him. He wished he hadn’t had a strong voice like this. He wished he hadn’t fallen for him.

“Would you make me a coffee, please?” It was the best excuse to send the other away. At least he didn’t suspect anything and Luhan could have some relief from the tight embrace around his heart.

“Anything for you.” He felt that Sehun smirked against his ear but when he pulled away from him he blew out a huge amount of air. He wanted to hit his head into the keyboard. Stupid him. Stupid feelings. He needed more pills.

After Sehun made him a coffee and he went into his room to get some ‘painkillers’ they were sitting in the kitchen, Luhan focusing on his laptop again. Sehun was just watching him. There was something strange in the other’s actions, there was an uneasy feeling in the boy’s chest but he couldn’t really tell what it was. Maybe he hadn’t slept enough that he started to imagine things.

But no. Luhan started to slightly shake as he continued to write the article. It was visible how hard it was for him to get into the middle of the happenings. Because he had to recall the terrible memories.

“Hyung.” Sehun spoke suddenly and Luhan shuddered at the calling. It was always 'Luhan' the previous day and now it was weird to hear 'hyung' again. “Are you okay?” He asked worriedly but the other just shook his head. He couldn’t let it sit out on him. He had to hide it. The pills had to ease it.

“Yeah.”

“Why do you do this to yourself?” The boy asked again and the Chinese male looked up frowning. “Why do you force it? You have another article, don’t you? Continue that one. I’m curious about it anyway.” Luhan was in doubt. He wanted to finish it before Minseok calls him but Sehun was right. It just destroyed him. Or didn’t destroyed, it rather kicked the dust which remained after him. Because he was already a wreck anyway.

“How do you know about that?” He asked still measuring the situation. But he was tired. Maybe he really should give up on the catastrophe, that article can wait.

“That Chen guy in the office told me that I reminded him of someone who he had seen in one of the photos in your work.” Luhan just nodded. He remembered that photo but shiver ran through his body. Because that picture showed two people who had died. And he didn’t want to imagine Sehun being in that picture. “Can you show it to me? It’s always fun to see others who look like me.” The boy smiled cheerfully but Luhan was just biting his lips. That article wasn’t funny. Nope. It was dead serious. And sad.

“I think the photo is not here because my other laptop got lost at the train. We have to go back to my other place because I keep the copies there on a USB stick.”

“Your window is still broken anyway. So maybe we can go after meeting Chanyeol because yesterday I talked to him and we agreed on a meeting today at two o’clock.” The Chinese male hesitantly nodded then took a sip of his coffee. “We have some time till we have to go. What about you telling me the ‘great story which is the most successful at the newspaper’s history so far’?” Sehun grinned and standing up he went to the couch and patted the seat beside himself. Luhan blinked a few times but in the end he gave in and followed the younger one. As soon as he took place next to Sehun, the blonde boy pulled him down into his lap and smiled down at him. And this smile just melted Luhan’s heart. Although it should have been forbidden.

“Fine.” He shut his eyes down for a moment just to open it again starting to speak about the content of the article series. It was easier to think about that but it wasn’t so much better. He had to unfold other people’s things, moreover their life. It wasn’t a light conversation to start.

“The whole story started with an accident. A house was burnt down and two people died there. A twenty-four-year-old man and his mother. The other members of the family weren’t at home at that time but the police said that the fire had broken out due to a cigarette. Minseok sent me there to write an article about this tragedy but they didn’t want to tell me anything so I went around the house when the policemen didn’t see me. And under the back window I found a whole pack of matches on the ground and some footprints. After that they caught me and I asked what the meaning was of those things in vain, they continuously said that those were my footprints and I placed there the matches. When I told this to Minseok, he said that I had to snoop around this case because it could be a great story.” Luhan looked up to Sehun to see if he was still paying attention. The boy was just staring into the distance and hummed in response.

“And? In the end what were the story? Did you manage to find out more?” He glanced down at the Chinese male curiously. It really interested him. There was this strange feeling in his chest that he had heard something like this before. Or maybe he had heard exactly this.

“Yeah, about that… I started to look the close friends of the family up and I asked them if anybody smoked in the household. They said that no one, not even the younger brother. I tried to find the father and the boy but nobody gave me names because they said that they needed privacy and they want to mourn in peace. I totally understood that but I needed answers because if nobody smoked in the house then how could the fire break out due to a cigarette? The police still didn’t want to help me but in the end I understood why: the whole case was connected to one of South-Korea’s most powerful mafia. And this was the last thing I could bring to light because there was this train accident and yeah, you know what happened next…” Luhan finished his speech but before he could have sunk into thinking about the whole story, something wet landed on his face. “Sehun?” He pulled away from the boy who was just glaring down, tears flowing down on his face.

There he was. Standing in front of the grave which was just too fresh. Too painful. And he could do nothing just stare at it like it was a ghost. A non-existent thing. And he wanted it to be the reality. He wanted to believe that it was just his imagination nothing more. Because he won’t be able to live like that. Not anymore.

“Sehun, what happened?” Luhan asked worriedly but the other just wiped the tears away with the back of his hands and shook his head.

“I just.. I remembered something. And.. and it’s so bad. This feeling in my chest. I-I can’t handle it.” He cried again like a little boy and Luhan watched him. He didn’t know what Sehun was talking about.

“But what was that memory? Or what was so bad?”

“It was someone’s grave. I don’t remember whose, but someone’s close to me. I know it was someone close to me because I wanted to die. And it hurts. Oh my god it hurts.” Sehun was grasping at his T-shirt desperately. The Chinese male couldn’t say anything but his heart was aching to see the boy in this state. So he just brought him into his embrace and let him cry. It had to be a really huge shock for him. His memories just started to return and somebody’s loss can be so distressing in normal conditions too not mentioning this situation. He lost somebody not even knowing him or her. So Luhan could understand how he felt right now.

For the rest of the day Sehun was quiet and walked around the flat like a living mummy. When Luhan asked him about the meeting with Chanyeol, he just barely responded and he insisted to call a taxi. He didn’t feel like walking now and he also barely had the mood to meet his so called roommate. But he didn’t have the nerve to call it off after the previous day. So he just went into the guestroom to put on one of Luhan’s T-shirts because the older man always wore bigger ones than his own body size. It was his luck. At least he could wear something.

When the taxi parked down in front of the house they just silently got into the car. Luhan wanted to sit next to Sehun but he just slid to the other window and seeing the lack of interactions the Chinese male stayed away from him. Both of them were glaring out of their own window during the trip sinking deep into their thoughts. Sehun desperately tried to find out his past and now his intentions had more reasons while Luhan was just struggling to learn how he could help the boy but how he could put his own life into order at the same time. And due to these thoughts the trip seemed to be much longer than it was, especially when they got into a traffic jam just five minutes from the café.

“Sorry but it seems we have to wait here. It’s impossible to get out of this mess right now.” The driver informed them and Luhan silently nodded. He didn’t realised that from there they could have walked to their destination. Instead, he was just wondering why this chaos had developed but when they rolled a few meters forth, he instantly knew. They were at the train station. It wouldn’t have been a problem in other situations but now they were a few days after The Great Train Catastrophe. There were tea lights, wreaths and mourning people everywhere. About 900 victims. And more family members. And the only thing they could do was just stand in front of a huge building and place death flowers in front of the pictures of their beloved ones. Death flowers which symbolised the loss, the feeling. Which symbolised the dead, the tragedy. Because theoretically nobody had survived.

Luhan’s body suddenly started to shake. He felt like throwing up but he couldn’t tear his gaze away from the pictures. Lovely children who maybe travelled to a zoo, rebellious teenagers who maybe wanted to escape from their parents, young women who maybe wanted to see their fiancés. And a lot of people whose story remained undiscovered in front of him. Except for one. The old man who had wanted to visit his grandchild.

I hope the train won’t be delayed. I visit my grandson. You look so young and fresh, I’m sure your lover can’t wait to see you.

“We get out now.” Luhan almost screamed but he was barely able to give money to the driver because his vision became blurry. He didn’t even realised how much money he had given him, he just hurriedly jumped out of the car. But Sehun was slower. He languidly looked away from the window just to see Luhan’s back as the other got out of the vehicle. He immediately knew that something was wrong when he saw the waves of shaking of the Chinese’ body.

“Luhan!” He shouted and followed the man leaving the surprised driver behind. But he couldn’t care about that. He ran to the other but when Luhan turned towards him, he saw that something was not okay.

“Sehun. Sehun, we have to run. They will kill us. Come on. I know a place where we can go and he is a doctor. He will examine you.” Luhan’s eyes were as wide as a startled deer’s and he constantly winced under the boy’s hands.

“What are you talking about? Who will kill us? There’s nobody here.” Sehun shook his head but Luhan got out of his catch.

“The two men who wanted to shoot us down. Don’t be like this Sehun! We can hide behind that train. They are coming, can’t you hear them?” He pointed at the distance but there was nothing there just the crowd. And this outburst just attracted more attention. Sehun had to do something. He didn’t understand what it was but he knew he had to stop Luhan whose face was now wet from tears. But how?

“What’s happening?” The boy had never thought that once this voice would be his saviour but now he felt tons of rocks falling down from his heart.

“Yixing, thanks God you are here.” Sehun sighed terrified still trying to keep Luhan in one place. The male hadn’t calmed down yet. He still believed that he was at the train on the day of the accident.

“Yixing why are you here? You are supposed to be at home. Now we can’t go to you. We will die. No. Go away. Yixing, be at home.” Luhan struggled under Sehun’s strong arms and the doctor’s eyes widened too. When he examined Luhan, there was no problem with his mind. He seemed to be okay. But now… he thought they were back on that certain day. And it proved that something went wrong.

“Luhan, look at me please.” He started in a calm voice crouching down to the two boys. “You are not at the train. It’s just a bad dream. It was a few days ago, nobody wants to kill you. You are safe with us. So please calm down. We are here with you. Nobody will attack us.” Meanwhile Sehun was holding the shaking body continuously caressing his back, his hair and due to these and Yixing’s nice tone, Luhan stopped screaming. He buried himself into the boy’s embrace and silently cried. “Good boy.” The doctor nodded, then looked at Sehun. “By the way where were you heading to?”

“To a café. Last time we met my roommate and we agreed on a meeting to talk. Because I don’t remember him. And then Luhan saw this scene and this happened.” He explained and Yixing nodded. “But what was that?”

“I think it’s because of the accident. Sometimes the victims can experience the happenings again and again and then it will be the result. It’s their mind. The trauma was too huge and he hasn’t been able to process it yet. So maybe it wasn’t the only time.”

“But what should we do with him now?” Sehun asked. They were already late but he still didn’t want to call the meeting off. That would be rude and he had some questions to Chanyeol. For example about his family, his life and everything.

“I can take him to the hospital. But now I will have an urgent case so I can offer just a bed for him and some tranquilizer. I was heading there when I saw you from the car so it’s no problem.” The doctor pointed at the vehicle which was now parked down at the edge of the street. “And you can come after us after your meeting.”

“It’s okay.” Sehun nodded and with that he tried to hand Luhan over to Yixing. The man was half-conscious so it was easier but at the same time Sehun was really worried. He didn’t know how much trauma Luhan’s mind can still bear. He was afraid that the other was really on the edge of a total mental breakdown.

After helping Luhan into the car Sehun went to find that café where he was supposed to meet Chanyeol. Fortunately the passer-by were all helpful so it wasn’t that hard to get there.

“Sorry, I’m late.” He sat down in front of Chanyeol when he finally found him. He was sitting in a corner of the place with an already empty cup.

“I started to wonder if you would come or not.” The other smiled at him. “By the way where did you leave your little friend? I thought you would be with him.”

“He… he couldn’t come now. Due to some problems.” Sehun mumbled looking down at his hands. He didn’t want to tell a stranger that Luhan had a panic attack. A very, very hard panic attack.

“Oh, okay.” Chanyeol scrunched up his nose for a moment as if he had done this in annoyance but the boy thought that he also started to imagine things. “And… how are you doing? Do you still not remember me?”

“Yeah, and I’m sorry.” Sehun rubbed his neck. “Just a lot of things happened and everything is so messy in my head right now. So I was wondering if you mind if I ask some questions. I want to make them clear and you are the only person I met from my previous life.”

“Am I the only one? Really?” Chanyeol’s face lit up in a blink of an eye but when he saw Sehun’s confused expression, he instantly went from smiling to being serious. “I hope I can answer them.” He flashed a reassuring smile.

“First, you said that I went to a university with you. What were I studying?”

“Art. Moreover dancing. Which is kinda funny because sometimes you looked like a gangster and you were as mysterious as a member of the mafia.” The giant laughed but Sehun froze down for a moment.

“Being in the mafia comes along with things like this.”
“But who said I wanted to be part of this?”
“You can’t change this fact, you know.”
“Really? Because I think it another way. I want to quit. I want to forget the whole thing.”
“You can’t quit. I have a mission for you. So you can’t. With this you can step forward. Sehun, you have to go, okay? It’s important.”

“Hey, are you okay?” Chanyeol waved a hand in front of him and Sehun just shook his head to return into the reality.

“Yeah. I just remembered of… I remembered being in the university.” He lied. He couldn’t tell him that his memory was connected to the mafia. It would be strange. And not okay for a normal person.

“That’s good.”

“Okay, my other question is that do you know something about my family? Or my brother? Because I have a brother, right?” The hope returned into his heart. Maybe with this person in front of him he can find them. He can meet his family and then almost everything can be normal. Because maybe they knew the reason why Sehun was chased by those people.

“Hm… I remember you saying something about him but you never really mentioned your family. As I said you were so mysterious that you never talked about your private life outside of school. Which was kind of upsetting considering the fact that I am your friend.” Chanyeol pouted which was rather scary than cute. But Sehun just blinked a few times. There was this person and he couldn’t help him. It was the most disappointing thing. But really.

“And don’t you know if I lost somebody?” The last hope. The only one. Without this he will still remain in darkness.

“A few months ago you were really upset because of something. You weren’t willing to talk to me and you even wanted to quit from the university. So I don’t know who you lost but I’m sure that person was really close to you.” BANG. Another useless information. Sehun started to feel that he would never be able to find his relatives. Or his old life. “Don’t be so sad. If you want, I can bring you to our dorm and you can investigate your clothes and things. I haven’t touched them since I thought you were dead.”

The temptation was really huge. Should he go with Chanyeol or should he go to the hospital to see how Luhan was? He didn’t know. His mind told him to go to the dorm, examine his things and he can find out the truth but his hearts was aching to see Luhan. He didn’t know why he felt like this but the between them just grew so tight – at least he felt that – that he needed to see if the boy was okay. And that’s what influenced his decision.

“Sorry but some other time. I don’t have time to go there now.” He smiled as he started to pack his things.

“Oh come on. It’s not so far from here.” Chanyeol grabbed his hand a little too tight for Sehun’s liking. “It won’t last more than an hour. We just go there, you see your things and that’s all.” There was something in his eyes which Sehun didn’t like and he felt that dark spot in the back of his mind twisting again. So no, he couldn’t go with him now.

“No, thanks. Maybe some other time this week. Now I really have to go.” With that he pulled his arm out of the other boy’s hand. For a moment Chanyeol looked annoyed but in the end he leaned back in his seat and started to look for something in his bag.

“Okay. But take this. I brought your mobile because I thought you would need it. You know, that’s what friends do.” He smiled but now it wasn’t honest. Not at all. It was forced and unpleasant.

“Thanks. I will call you.” Sehun waved and with that he left the café. He didn’t know just what it was. Two things jumped into his mind: Chanyeol’s behaviour was always like this rude and unbearable or there was something suspicious with him. Sehun couldn’t decide which was the truth. But he knew that from now on he had to be aware of Chanyeol’s actions.

Sehun went straight to the hospital where Luhan looked so much better. He was sitting on the edge of the bed and when he saw Sehun he happily jumped into the boy’s embrace. It was good to see that at least he was fine and after convincing Yixing that they will come back the next day to see if Luhan was okay, they headed to the Chinese male’s other flat.

It was really messy. Due to the broken window leaves and little twigs were lying on the floor and the blood which wasn’t cleaned up after Luhan’s self-harm was dried to the ground and into the rug. It wasn’t a pleasurable sight.

“Don’t make that face, we will be fast. And it makes you ugly.” Luhan scolded the boy while he was trying to find his USB-stick. It wasn’t easy. He put it into an envelope and stuck it to the top of one of the desk’s drawers. He couldn’t risk it. This whole thing was connected to the mafia so he had to be careful. Because these guys could easily find him. “Here.” He raised it in the air happily.

“Wow. It was really fast.” Sehun but then he took out Luhan’s laptop which the Chinese male had brought with himself.

“Don’t be an .” The other slapped him gently. It was strange. He behaved like a total another man. There was no trace of the upset Luhan, of the one who cried almost in every second hour. But it was good to see. But still strange. “Let me find that file~…” He bit into his lower lip after putting the USB into its place. It didn’t last long to locate the picture. “Yay.”

Sehun just smiled at him as he was clapping his hands in happiness but that smile instantly disappeared when he saw the picture. Because while Luhan realised why Baekhyun’s drawing was so familiar, Sehun also realised something. The tattoo on the young man’s hand looked exactly like the one on his side…

Hmm... So Chanyeol is a bad person or not? And what's with that article and the mafia?

Good questions, right? :'D

And sorry again for the delay! :'(

<3