Jaebum jumps as a soft hand closes around his. “Easy, it’s just me,” Mark says. “Just trying to avoid a trip to the emergency room,” a pointed look is directed at the glass tumbler tightly clenched inside Jaebum’s hand.

“I’m not holding it that hard,” Jaebum mumbles as he loosens his white-knuckled grip, his face heating up. Mark just raises an eyebrow at him before he turns to face the rest of the party. Jaebum turns as well, his gaze instinctively returning to the far corner of the room where he was watching two people in particular. He realises what he’s done too late; when he turns to face Mark again, the other man is staring at him with a look that’s one part knowing and one part sympathetic.

“I don’t have to say I, do it?” Mark tilts his head.

Jaebum sighs, “I wish you wouldn’t.”

“Okay,” Mark nods his head.

A pregnant silence falls upon for a few seconds before Jaebum turns back to face his friend. “Just say it; we both know that you’re dying to,” he scoffs lightly.

“You say that like I take pleasure in fact that I was right,” Mark frowns, sounding a bit wounded. “Before anything else, you’re my best friend.”

Jaebum sighs, his stomaching clenching as shame warms his face. “I know. I know,” he hangs his head. “I shouldn’t have said that, I’m just–”

“I get it,” Mark lays a hand on Jaebum’s shoulder, kneading it soothingly. Jaebum lifts his head and smiles without humour. “How deep are you in?” Mark asks, a slight crease forming between his eyebrows.

Jaebum lets his head hang down again, a sigh escaping his lips. “Way too deep.”

This situation is nobody’s fault but his own. Mark gave him several warnings and Jackson was always upfront and honest about what he was–how he was–but Jaebum ignored them. He remembers laughing it off at the start, joking that Jackson was the one who would probably end up falling for him and changing his promiscuous ways. “I’m the one who’s the cold, urban guy and you wear your heart on your sleeve. Besides, this isn’t the first time I’ve had an arrangement like this with someone,” Jaebum had shrugged.

Jackson playfully nudged Jaebum with his elbow. “Yeah but that someone wasn’t me,” he grinned, his eyes shining. It was a jest, but also a warning–one that Jaebum thought he didn’t need to heed.

“Jaebum,” Mark holds him by the chin and tilts his head up, “You need to end it,” he says firmly. Jaebum in a breath like he’s been punched in the gut. “You can’t go on like this,” Mark says reasonably, his eyes softening.

“You’re probably right,” Jaebum mumbles reluctantly.

Mark’s lips quirk up, but there’s no mirth in his eyes. “I know it’ll be hard, but it’s better for you in the end.” Jaebum nods mutely, realising the truth in his friend’s words, but not wanting to admit it; deep down, he can’t stop himself from hoping that maybe the feel is mutual, that Jackson has fallen for him too. “Go on,” Mark pushes Jaebum forward with one hand, his other pointing to where Jackson is making his way through the room, alone for the first time this evening.

“What, now?” Jaebum does a double take, his eyes bulging out of his head. Mark gives him a stern look. “Alright,” Jaebum sighs in resignation before he knocks back the rest of his drink, the whiskey burning his throat as he swallows. He hands Mark the empty glass and heads off after Jackson.

The other man blinks in surprise when Jaebum takes hold of his elbow. “Oh, hey, Jaebum,” he grins and pulls Jaebum into a tight hug. It’s a fairly standard greeting that Jackson liberally bestows to his many friends, but it never fails to make Jaebum feel warm and special when he receives one. “Have you been here the whole time?”

“Uh, for a couple of hours or so. Can we step outside so we can talk?” Jaebum raises his voice to be heard over the music, gesturing to the exit.

“Yeah, sure, that’s cool,” Jackson nods.

Jaebum uses the two minutes it takes to push through the bodies writhing on the dance floor to think about what he’s going to say. He hasn’t managed to come up with anything eloquent by the time they’re shivering in the cold night air, but Jackson is looking at him expectantly, so he just wings it.

“I think we should break it off, our arrangement that is.”

Jackson blinks and tilts his head. “Have you started seeing someone?”

“No.” The second his honest answer leaves his lips, Jaebum wishes he had lied instead because Jackson is looking at him strangely now. “I just, I have some big assignments that are due soon and after that final exams are right around the corner. I’m just cutting out some distractions out of my life so I can focus and do well. We don’t all have sports scholarships.” All in all, Jaebum feels proud of himself for coming up with that on the fly. Sure, he fumbled at the start, but he managed to salvage the lie and make it sound convincing.

Jackson nods knowingly. “Oh, so that’s what it is?” He lightly taps his head. “I should’ve realised sooner, Suzy said the same thing last week.” Jaebum stiffens at the mention of one of Jackson’s other…people. “That’s a real shame, you’re a rare type that knows how to drill me like an oil rig and how to do the slow grind.” Jaebum’s breath hitches as Jackson leans in and runs a teasing hand down his chest. “Still, I hope you ace your assignments and wish you luck with your exams,” Jackson grins, flashing him two thumbs up.

“Right, thanks,” Jaebum mutters, his stomach sinking in disappointment at Jackson’s nonchalant reaction. He basically anticipated such a response, but a tiny part of him couldn’t but hope that Jackson would press the issue, ask him not to call it off.

“Well, don’t be a stranger. Make sure you take time out from your studies to text me,” Jackson steps forward with his arms held out. Jaebum’s arms fly up to hold him tightly, one hand clutching the small of his back while the other holds the back of his head. “You always give such great hugs, I really will miss you the most,” Jackson chuckles, his warm breath tickling the shell of Jaebum’s ear.

“Good to know,” Jaebum grunts. He stays pressed up to Jackson for a few more seconds before he finally forces his arms to release the other man, staking a step back for good measure.

Before he’s finished moving back, Jackson closes the gap and cups his cheeks with both hands, tilting Jaebum’s head down for a parting kiss. He steps back before Jaebum’s resolve can crumble enough for him to wrap his arms around Jackson and take back his words. “See you later,” Jackson winks over his shoulder as he heads back inside.

Jaebum is pretty sure that ending it with Jackson was supposed to have given him some kind of closure, but he feels more unsure than ever. It’s like the balcony he’s standing on is some kind of limbo that he’s trapped in. Being out in the cold air is usually enough to clear his mind, but his thoughts are swirling around in his head like a mass of tangled threads in a washing machine.

Jaebum’s heart skips a beat when the door to the balcony reopens, but his fledging hopes are soon dashed as Mark’s face appears. “Hey, how’d it go?” From the look on his face–and the look that’s probably on Jaebum’s own face–he may as well be asking a rhetorical question. He bites his lip before he holds out a glass filled amber liquid.

“Thanks,” Jaebum mutters with a nod, downing the glass in one go.

“Uh, Jaebum?” Mark pats his back as he coughs and sputters. Jaebum hands him the empty glass and pulls the other one from his hand. “That one’s mine.” Jaebum turns away to lean on the railing. Mark sighs from behind him. “At the very least take your time with that one.”

Jaebum nods, his vision blurring slightly as he stares unblinkingly into the distance. “Could I, could I just have a minute?” he croaks. There’s a slight pause before Mark gently squeezes his shoulder, his hand trailing down to rub Jaebum’s back.

Once the sound of the door opening and closing reaches his ears, Jaebum gulps down the clear liquid in his glass. The alcohol burns as it goes down his throat, but it’s nowhere near the pain he’s feeling from ignoring Mark’s other piece of advice. His stomach is churning, his heart is being constricted in his chest, one of his lungs has deflated, and, worst of all, there’s an awful stinging at the back of his eyes.