I should really get over myself, but it is proven to be too hard to control as I got distracted in our WIN filming. I even got angry at my members at one point. It's really humiliating to admit that I broke down because of my one-side feeling to her. After losing that match, I stay on my chair in the recording room. Actually I feel really bad for not focusing 100% at this show, as this is our future.

Suddenly I see Jinhwan come to recording room and walk straight to me.

"Hanbin-ah, lets go for a walk. It will do you good."

"I am okay hyung, we need to prepare to our next match anyway."

"You need to rest, Hanbin-ah. Let me buy something to eat for us. Okay?"

"Arasso hyung, but not too long, right?"

"Aish, okay. Let's go now."

We walk to the convinience shop near our building and buy some Pringles and coffees, after buying those, we sit in front of the convinience shop. I'm pretty sure that nobody will saw us, it's after midnight already.

"So, tell me what is your problem, Hanbin-ah? You looked so distracted these weeks. Hanbin I know doesn't make mistakes and doesn't get angry easily. Now spill." He gives me his stern look which really rare coming from our beloved hyung. It scares me.

"Aniya, hyung. I'm just being too anxious these days~" I try to evade from his question.

"This is not about being anxious, Hanbin-ah. You know you can tell me anything, right? I wont judge you, you know."

"Ah, hyung. Is not that I dont want to tell you. I cant. I'm sorry that my stupid problem ruined our performances." I feel really sad that I probably cause us our future.

"I dont say that. Youre the best leader anyone could ever have. You shouldn't feel pressured like that. I just want to help you if you have something you want to share. Let us help you too sometimes, Hanbin-ah." He pats my head and smiles kindly.

"Thank you hyung, i am so happy to have you guys as my members." I smile back at him and pat his shoulder.

"It's okay. I just dont like to see you sad."

"It's nothing serious, actually hyung. I was in the middle of pushing my emotion I have recently. But sadly I keep on failing."

"What kind of emotion? Anger?" He tilts his head to one side and furrows his eyebrowse with confusion.

"No, more like feeling insecure in myself and envy toward certain someone." I still can't tell him what I feel about Hayi yet, all adoration and jealousy.

"Okay, why do you think you need to push your emotions away? Is it that bad to feel those?"

"It is. I can't focus on my work and I keep on being distracted. Sometimes I can get really emotional just by one thing, I don't like not able to control my feeling like that."

"Hmmm, okay. So, does it work so far?"

"No. I keep on failing to square one. It's been almost a year, hyung. How can I be so stupid like this?

"You're not stupid, Hanbin-ah. Feeling is difficult to control."

"But I don't like to be not in control, Hyung!' I sigh loudly and he seems to understand my worriness.

"You know that pressuring your own emotion is not healthy, right?"

"Well, what should I do then? Getting angry and letting out my frustation?"

"Yah! Don't do that!! Feel it, make it into something. You can make it into a song, too. It'll be fun, dont you think?"

"I make a song about my current feeling? It's humiliating, hyung!"

"What's humiliating about being insecure? It's human. You know that you dont need to be specific, just write around it. It's not that you're not used to use your feeling while you're writing song, right?"

"Arasso hyung, I think you're right." I scratch my unitchy head with realization.

"I can't believe i am giving the great charismatic BI advice in writing song. This is a weird day."

"Your advice is great, hyung. Thank you. I will turn my problem into my inspiration. My problematic person into my muse~"

"That's good. You know, sooner or later you have to tell me all about your problem, arra? I'm dying to know."

"Arra, hyung. But not now, okay. I'm still really confuse how to deal with it myself."

"Ah!! Lets make a deal. If we lost, you will have to tell all about it to me, without any bleep and censored." Jinhwan shows his white set of teeth in a wide smile.

"Yah! Don't jinx it, hyung~" I poke his shoulder.

"It's okay. If we win, you still have to tell me, but just what you're comfortable telling me. Good deal, rite?"

"Noooo~ it's a lose-lose to me. I have to tell anyway." I shake my head over and over while pouting, I started to feel dizzy.

"Stop pouting, being able to share your problem seta you free~ it'll be a good thing. Who knows I can help you with your problem. Like you said, I give great advise!"

"Okay okay hyung~ I promise. Now can we go home? I'm kind of cold and we need to practice."

"Okaaaaay~ let's go uri leader! Don't forget to bring those snacks or Junhoe and Kimbab will go ballistic." Jinhwan hyun held my hand and we walk towards our dorm.

I'm really lucky to have them in my life, I really have to focus more on this show. Because it's not just about me, it's about my team. It's about us.

-----

Final match is approaching and we keep on practicing like crazy, we did some fansigning and I felt so encouraged by it. I sometimes still get distracted, but I have followed Jinhwan-hyung's advice and started to write about it, hopefully I can make a good song out of it. Yesterday. I dreamt about her and it surprise me in the morning. While I was washing my face and brushing my teeth, I kept looking at myself in a mirror and it hit me. I cleaned up right away and ran to my room, frantically tried to find my phone and type some words in my notes.

"My reflection in the mirror
Is so empty, as if there’s nothing there.
After waking up from the dream that was you
This morning of reality feels so empty."

I saved my notes and smiled. His advice was really good.

-----

The final missions has arrived and there are three mission, one original song, one arranging song by Teddy-hyung and one dance performance. We work really well in preparing these missions, I even make my singleness, well actually all of us are single, but I am the most desperate one, into a song. So basically my insecurity toward Hayi is subtly written here, more or less 'I'm happy to work all day and night, but I'm just another boy, I need some love as well.' I think the song is great and relatable to lots of people. I got the title of ultimate single, and I'm okay with that. As long as we're having fun.

Ah, is that stupid for hoping that she realize that I'm writing it with her on my mind?

Yes, it is. Really stupid.

-----

It's been three weeks since the final performance of WIN. We lost. I am sad, but I feel really satisfied with our last performance. We did our best and we have a lot of support. On that day, we're doing our performance well, I even got to interact with Hayi behind the stage, because their special stage were right after ours. Nothing special, really. She was just giving me her thumbs up and a 'well done!' greet, but I felt so happy. I even forgot that Chanyuk was there too until he nudged me and told me that he felt relatable with the song.

Now we're back practicing and I'm in the middle of writing our song, it's called 'Wait For Me' for all the fans supported us. I also finished one of the lyric and collaborate with Choice hyung for the arrangement, don't you believe that I use the lyrice I write after I dreamt about her? It is really a productive distraction, eventually. It makes money too! LOL

-----

It's a fine Sunday and we don't have practice today, so I decided to lie in my bed all day. Suddenly, I hear a beeping sound from my phone and I read it, and I'm so screwed.

From: Jinhwan-hyung

"You owe me, boy. So tell me who's the muse."

Just one second after that, someone open my door and there I see him, Jinhwan-hyung stand with a grin in his face.

"Let's have a date, Hanbin-ah!"

I am so freaking screwed right now.

-----

Hi guys! So, I want to make it less slow-step, but I kept wondering how. I want to arrived to MnM moments as soon as I can, to catch up with 'Beautiful' chapters. Wish me luck, and thanks for subscribing, commenting and upvoting. I love you~~