'You're my dream, you're my nightmare,

please wake me up, please let me sleep a little longer,

please disappear, please stay.'

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A month later.

Weird. It really felt so. What happened this past month, that is. A month had went by, and nothing happened. Yes, nothing. Even after my stupid management company blatantly ditched Shinjung company to one side. To be honest, I had prepare myself for the worst. To the point that I would wear a hat and huge shades everyday because rotten tomatoes could be on their way to hit my face. That hadn't happened after the Press Conference because Eunhyuk told his fans to not ill treat me, but that would definitely happen if they found out the pictures, which logically should've spread around already, since Minjung ssi must be really mad at me, because of her failed blackmail attempt.

But how come the pictures were still not found?

Right now, I'm back at home with my parents. Sometimes Nicole and Hara would come to visit and update me on the company and their activities. Seungyeon would call every now and then, but she was always too busy, now that she had to cover my work. Jiyoung had been quiet, and that hurt me although I knew she was probably still disappointed with me.

To suddenly be shoved to the corner without any work to do, felt too alien. I tried to compose new songs for Kara, but I couldn't find any inspiration and my composition came out emotionless. People might think now that I'm having my break, I could rest as much as possible. But my insomnia had gotten worse, I had difficulty to sleep almost every night. Whenever I lay in bed and shut my eyes, faces would appear before me. Sad and dissapointed faces of my members that they hid from me, vengeful face of Minjung, my President's tight frown, my fans' tears when I told them about my break during the last vacation, faces filled with contempt and hate and the whispers, whenever I go out to public places, to so-called unwind and enjoy life, and of course, the two faces that I couldn't push away no matter how hard I tried. The person I should've gotten over and the person I shouldn't even have to think about.

To not be able to sleep because of them was bad enough, but they would even invade in my dreams, or to be precise. nightmares. Eunhyuk and I, we actually had manage to build back our friendship, despite those nightmares. I knew he's trying really hard to get back together with me, but in my nightmares, he always emerged with another woman, kissing her before my eyes. I know it's ridiculous to judge a person based on nightmares, but I need time to be convinced that this Eunhyuk had really changed from the Eunhyuk I dated, who would always stood me up carelessly for other women. We still haven't met since our final meet up at the cafe, but he would text message me, at least once a day. And before I knew, he had become a part of my daily life, again.

About Siwan ssi, I would dream of him too, his face hidden behind layers of masks and all the masks would reveal another masks with the same crying face, which is scary. There's still an unfinished business between us. I hadn't apologized to him for slapping him that night. He looked so genuinely troubled, probably with guilt. I don't know, I had never acted that harsh to anyone, not even to the person who dared to threaten me, not even to the antis who slandered me, I was filled with rage at that time and I felt too sorry for myself, that I forgot that he's not in any better situation than mine if people found out he went on a date with Super Junior Eunhyuk's girlfriend. But that doesn't change the fact that he in a way lied to me, with his somewhat fake identity. I couldn't trust a person who made me into a fool, but at the same time, I couldn't get over his kindness. At least, he deserved an apology for that slap, I guess.

"Gyuri-ya, what were you thinking? So deep in your thoughts."

"Oh, Omma....just...thinking of ideas for new song."

"Gyuri ya, be strong. And don't ever hesitate to cry or share anything with Omma." She my hair gently and enveloped me in the warmest hug.

"Thank you omma, I love you."

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I had think for long, and the longer I wait, the more I grew afraid of losing her again. It's been a month since I last see her and God knows I'd have gone crazy, but I was saved by the hope she gave me. For the past month, my schedule had been crazy jampacked- Strong Heart, Star King, Dream Team, One Day Date, Love Dance, God knows what else, I was even pulled to replace Eeteuk Hyung's place in Hello Baby. I think I could've died of exhaustion but at the end of the day, it's always her message that returned my spirit to keep living.

That's when I knew, I could not take any more chances or wait any longer.

"You say...what?" Shindong shook his head in disbelief. "I disagree."

"But Hyung..."

"Don't you think it's too early? What would the company say? The fans would misunderstood it as a shotgun marriage if it happens so suddenly." Sungmin had his rational points. But can't he see? I'm sick of being rational. I needed someone to support me.

"Donghae-ah.."

"Well, I disagree too,......but if you have the confidence to not mess up again, I guess...." He shrugged, it wasn't a direct support but at least it's not a directly negative opinion, count on him to not take any side.

"I still don't like the idea of you getting married before me." Shindong growled. But I understood what he meant by that.

"It's too early to say, I'm not sure if she'd even say yes."

"Then why are you so impatient?"

"I don't know. I'm scared if she'd meet another guy in my absence. And I just want to marry her." I couldn't lose her again, but I didn't need to tell them all about that.

"Good luck to you then....you have thought about how to explain to the company right? Do you realize this is going against our contract?"