Seunghyun

I cannot believe it.

“Fili…” before I can continue, she pulled out from the hug and walked out of the room in a rush without looking back. Luigi patted my shoulder, “I’m sorry we have to leave early. She can be sensitive at times” he said, and I just smiled “You’re one of the best Mr. Choi! I love all of your artworks” then he leaves.

Jin sighed loudly, “That was a shock” he looked back at the door, “Did we just saw Fili or I’m only dreaming?”

Yong wook ignored him and moved closer to me. He has sympathy in his eyes, a look I don’t ever want somebody to see when looking at me. With his hand on my shoulder, “It seems like there’s no need for you to worry about her. She looks fine. No” he raised his index finger, “She’s perfectly fine”

She’s not. She’ll never be. And it goes with me as well.

How can I move on from this? I only knew I had a child with the woman I love so dearly minutes ago just to find out that I’ll never be a Father to him. Now I can’t help but think, what if things go our way two years ago? I’m sure we’re already married. Maybe right at this very moment, we’re in this beautiful place as a family, enjoying my success and celebrating. It hurts to accept that there will never be that moment.

“You two have been here for a while. What’s up?” Jin coolly asked. We’re still in the room, in front of my painting of her. I can’t move away from it. It’s comforting to look at it. Trying to pull myself together, “She’s getting married next month” my voice is shaking again, tears pooled my eyes. Yong wook sighed, “It’s all good Seunghyun”. As if on cue, tears started rolling down my cheeks. The boys are not surprised by it, for I’m sure they can see and feel how much I’m hurting. “It’s not good at all” I told them. My chest is about to burst with all the emotions I’m feeling. “We had a child together” this took the boys’ soul away from their bodies. Jaw dropped, Jin stared at me. Yong wook on the other hand is speechless. I take a breath and exhaled heavily, “I got her pregnant”. “But…” what I said is sinking in to the boys slowly “You said “Had” what’s that supposed to mean?” Yong wook asked. And I broke down. Just by thinking of my late son who I’m dying to see even when I just knew of him, makes me really emotional. “He died at one week old caused by a heart failure. I don’t know the details. Luigi just told me”

The first day of my showcase ended with me out of element. I cannot even remember the big names that came to see my work. My soul, my mind, my body, my heart, is badly mixed up. Honestly I feel like a different person after seeing Fili and knowing about our son. I’m hungry to know every detail of her pregnancy and what happened to her all these years.

“We can contact her through Luigi you know. Yes, it’s not going to be easy and the possibility of Fili wanting to see you again is slim, but we can try. I mean, you need to know at least where your child is buried so that you can see him” the boys have been comforting me the best they know how, but I really can’t be pulled out of my emotions just yet. Jin even got Luigi’s address and mobile number for us to be able to reach him to get to Fili.

Losing a strand of hope that I’ll see her again, “It might mess them up if we tell Luigi who I was in Fili’s life”. Call me stupid or foolish but I don’t want to ruin their relationship. Fili seems happy with him, and he gave her the life that she’ll never have if she hasn’t met him.

“But Seunghyun, you have the right to know EVERYTHING” Yong wook countered. I nodded “That’s right, but I think I’m good knowing less” – because I don’t know how I can continue living once I know of it. Guilt has seeped in me now and I’m afraid it will kill my whole being eventually.

Five days has passed and I’m back home. My remaining days in Florence has been tough, fighting with myself if I have to see Fili again to clear what’s not clear between us. The boys didn’t stop convincing me from contacting Luigi until we are settled in the plane, ready for take-off. They say I’m pathetic, a loser, and a weakling, for not having the balls to face her again.

Can you blame me? Her story will definitely shatter me in pieces. Also, I think I’m going to put her on edge by making her tell me everything. I don’t think I can handle her tears when I’m as vulnerable as she is.

“Seunghyun!” Jin came running in my studio. I forgot to lock the door. Damn it!

“Yah!” I dropped the paintbrush I’m holding in shock, “What is it this time?”

He take in a breath and touched my shoulder, panting, “I just received a call from Luigi Russo’s assistant, saying that he’s coming here to Seoul to see you. According to her, he wants to collaborate with you for his next collection”

“What?” I cannot believe what I heard “Luigi hasn’t done anything for a year”. He hasn’t done any work because he’s “resting” from art. It was a huge topic in the art industry when he announced it, for Luigi is known for breathing and living art, none of us thought he will give himself a break from it.

Jin is thrilled. His eyes are sparkling. “Dude!” he playfully punched my arm, “This is the shot you’ve been wa