“Why do you suddenly want to come clean?” I asked, itching to contradict him but can’t. He sighed heavily, “I should’ve not made it possible in the first place. If it weren’t for my friends who suggested this crazy idea, we wouldn’t be faking a relationship” he said and all I can do is look away because the longer I stare at him, the closer I am to crying.

And so this is the moment I got to know the root of our big fat lie. It turns out that his act of telling Jenny and her friends that I’m his new girlfriend is not random like I thought it was, but planned by his friends. I suddenly feel like I’m the easy target who was used by him without any effort. Just minutes ago I’m decided to tell him there’s no need to come clean, at least not this soon, now, I’m more than willing to end our damn “mission”, the fake relationship we’re staging and the lies he basically made up and fed me.

With a nod, “Go! Do it!” I told him plainly, “It has gone far already. After all, you seem to be better with moving on and stuff” the words tastes like sour candy in my mouth. I’m holding back the tears.

Thinking of it, Seunghyun hasn’t really moved on. I just said he did when truth is, he’s impossible to get over Jenny. The mere fact that he almost died seeing her with another man is enough to prove that he still want her.

“I’m doing this because I don’t want to burden you with it anymore” he said, receiving just a smile from me.

Oh well, he has already decided. But, why am I feeling bad about it when I should be happy because at last, I’m free off a promise?

We never spoke after that. He went home the next day and I was left in the hospital for a few more days. Being alone in the room is the most boring of all, with only a box of clay for me to play and entertain myself with. I also lost a few pounds in the five days I was confined all because I eat so little (I really can’t stand hospital food). That’s why the moment I was discharged, I told Hye yoon Unnie to drive me to my favorite fast food, where I pigged out till I can’t take it anymore.

Coming home feels so good. Mrs. Choi even asked the cook to prepare delicious meals for me. Oddly, there’s not even a sign of Seunghyun. His  car, that according to Unnie had just arrived a few days ago from repair is parked at its designated area, so I know for sure he’s home, but the day went by with me not seeing him and it’s pretty sad.

“Are you hiding from me?” I asked while looking up at the ceiling. His mural is still breathtaking to look at, “If you are, why?”

As far as I know we didn’t had an argument or whatsoever. I just gave him a go signal to come clean about our relationship lie and nothing more. I don’t know why, but after that, it’s like we came back to what we were before but a lot more awkward. I suddenly feel like I’m really going through a break up where you don’t talk to each other, that as much as possible you’re hiding just not to cross paths.

“You should be relieved that it’s over Fili” I continued talking to myself. Lifting my spirit up is all I can do to not be bothered by this matter so much.

Before sunset, I’ve thought of cleaning my room because it’s a little dusty. I used to clean every day before going to bed or whenever I’m free, and I felt completely at home by doing so after over a week of being in the hospital.

“Oh my gosh!” I said, sniffing, sneezing and coughing all throughout, “Seriously!” I sneezed for the hundredth time then coughed a billion. It seems like my room is dustier than expected.

I flinched after hearing a knock on the door and I rushed to open it with a wash cloth in hand.

“Oh!” I froze in an instant, “Seunghyun!”

Motionless, he just stared at me. And for the first time in a long time, I saw coldness in his eyes again. It seems like my most wanted side of him has been buried inside him again.

“What are you doing?” he asked, earning a confused look from me. “Cleaning, why? Do you need something?” I looked straight into his eyes that are still so beautiful even when it’s not as sparkly. “No wonder you keep on coughing and sneezing” he said, confusing me.

How did he know that I’ve been coughing and sneezing when I’m sure it can’t be heard in his room, unless his hearing is wickedly good?

Confused, I let him in my room and he stood a meter away from me. “You’re not supposed to be dusting, right?” he asked, his voice, scary, “Also, you just got out from the hospital” he continued and I just nod, “Why don’t you just rest?” his eyes are melting my innards and dysfunctioning my soul.

This is so strange. I feel like crying upon seeing him for I haven’t seen him for days and at the tip of my tongue the words I MISSED YOU are struggling to come out of my mouth.

“Hmm…” I’m playing with my fingers while thinking as he waits for my reply, “The room is a little dusty. Also, I’ve rested well enough. I want to move around this time and not be in bed again” I said and he smirked.

“I’ll tell the helper to clean for you. Truth is, I already instructed her to clean before you come home, but because you arrived a day earlier, she wasn’t able to do it. So yeah, just stop cleaning and go to the pool area or the living room while you’re waiting for your room to be cleaned” he sounded like my Papa, instructing me what to do.

Unlike these past weeks, Seunghyun is back to his normal self once again. The smile on his face is replaced by seriousness and his bubbliness faded. It made me feel like we’re back to square one, where he doesn’t give a damn about anyone and anything. Oh well, maybe he’s going through a phase or something.

The obedient me followed him. I went to the pool area while the helper cleans my room. As much as I want to help, I didn’t insist anymore since Seunghyun nearly pushed me out of the room before I can even speak.

I wonder what happened to him. Why is it all of a sudden he is back to being serious when he looks so comfortable in being a warm and jolly guy already? Did he just act kind and caring to me because I’m doing him a favor and now that it’s over, he stopped because there’s no need to be thankful anymore?

“My gosh!” I sighed, “Why does if feel like I’m really going through a break up?”

If only I can confront him and ask