You try to tell yourself that you’re happy and that life is a blessing and so many people would want to be in your shoes right now.

You, Chen _______, are currently dating Luhan of EXO-M in secret. (To the public. The EXO family knows.)

Every morning before you tiredly shuffle to the coffee machine in your kitchen, you always wake up and think, “My name is Chen _______. I’m majoring in pharmacy and currently working as a pharmacy technician. I will convince myself that life is good and not something to end. And….

I’m dating an idol.”

After two cups of that coffee that gives you enough energy to make you look presentable for the day, you grab your purse and backpack that’s about to be broken by the sheer weight of your binders and lock the door behind you quickly so you’re in time for the bus.

And when you’re on the ten-minute joyride to campus, you calculate the amount of days you haven’t seen him in your head to make you feel a little less lonely. (Math has always been your strong area and you miss doing calculus everyday, but all the studying in pharmacy school kind of makes up for it.)

On the five-minute walk, you ignore the ringing phones of the girls that walk by with different EXO ringtones so you can fully concentrate in class. Of course, you wouldn’t deny it if somebody asked if you thought about Luhan during class because it was too true to be a lie.

And then when all your classes are over for the day, you either walk to the library to relax before work or take the bus to get to the pharmacy.

You can thank the gods for letting your roommate (her name is Christina) work in the same pharmacy because sometimes, it really does get busy on certain days and you want to chuck the bottle of pills at the people that do nothing but make your job harder than it’s supposed to be.

Both you and your roommate’s shifts are done at 11pm and as you both scan your card on the bus, you create a small conversation consisting of, “How are you?” and “Oh my god, I wanted to punch the guy in the face that complained about us being slow,” and “I saw that lady that comes and gets anti-depressants each month today. She looked better,” and things like that until it’s your stop and both of you walk to the apartment. (Of course you two walked with pepper spray in your hands. Both of you just shudder at the thought of what kind of people are out at 11pm.)

And the minute your eyes close to lock yourself in dreamland, that’s the end of a normal day.

Everyday is the same routine. (excluding the weekends when you take that extra time to either go grocery shopping with Chirstina or the semi-year shopping trip.)

Wake up. Coffee. Class. Relax. Work. Shower. Sleep. Wake up. Coffee. Class. Relax. Work. Shower. Sleep. (and the occasional taking out the trash and petting the black cat that always lingers around the dumpster. Poor thing.)

It’s on a rainy Sunday afternoon, two hours before both you and Christine’s shift starts at the pharmacy, and you’re watching an interview of EXO-M, using your “fangirl” as an excuse to stare at your boyfriend’s face.

Of course, Christina’s smarter than that. When she looked through the pictures on your phone, she first claimed it as an obsession until you cracked and told her the truth. Your secret is safe with her.

And each passing day, you lose more and more hope, watching your boyfriend be surrounded by girls much more beautiful than you were. They had the legs (you never understood men’s obsession for long shaved legs.) the looks, the voice, the charisma, the eyes—

They had everything that you lacked.

Each day that he’s gone, you question,

"What does he see in me? Who am I compared to those people?

Why is he dating me, a simple nobody?”

Christina peered over your shoulder at the screen and resolutely said, “You’re obsessed.”

You playfully hit her arm and exclaim, “He’s my boyfriend Christi. Seriously, if your boyfriend was an idol, you’d be doing the same thing. Trust me.”

"Nope, you’re obsessed."

"I hate you."

_____________________________________________________________________

You’re sitting on the bus to campus on a regular Thursday, normally calculating the days (you’ve started doing the hours and minutes too. It makes the ride shorter.) you haven’t seen Luhan (You’re at 73 days, 17 hours and 23 minutes.) and it’s all of a sudden when your phone vibrates in your pocket.

You raise an eyebrow while fishing it out and messing up over your password (Your paranoia gets to you and sometimes you curse yourself for making a long nonsensical password) until your heart skips two beats.

"Morning. How’s everything?"

It’s now been 73 days, 17 hours, and 25 minutes since you’ve seen or had any contact with him and you’re still staring at your phone like it’s grown five heads (you blink rapidly to make sure it really hasn’t.) until it vibrates again.

"You’re up, right? You’d be on the bus by now."

And you’re thinking he really did take the time to remember your schedule before he left (Aiya~ your schedule looks so much better than mine. Wo ai ni~) and your brain starts reminiscing until your phone vibrates again.

"Aiya~ Don’t ignore me! Are you mad? Why are you mad? Don’t be mad!"

And you’re still staring at your phone like it’s crazy until it vibrates again (why are you getting so many text messages today?) but this time it’s from Wufan, aka Kris. He’s your best friend and the reason why you and Luhan even met.

"Luhan keeps pouting and whining. hurry up at text him bak you lazy ."

You become furious even though you know Kris always likes to provoke you and your fingers bring you back to Luhan’s text.

"Everything’s fine. How are you?"

The second your finger taps the send button, the bus stops and you get off to continue that five-minute walk towards your class.

Your phone vibrates and receives another text message that says, “Yay~ been busy. Sorry if I haven’t texted you in a while. :(“

You don’t text him back because your feet have entered the classroom and you can’t afford to have any distractions when trying to maintain your 3.8 GPA. (It used to be a 3.9. But you’re ok with that.)

You check your phone again when you’re on the way to work and maybe just slightlydisappointed when there aren’t any text messages from Luhan or Kris, but you know they’re busy and the fact they’ve texted you at least once in these past 74 days 2 hours and 31 minutes makes you feel better.

___________________________________________________________________

It’s been 27 days 3 hours and 19 minutes since that morning he texted you and you’re on the bus to work when a man decides to sit in the empty seat next to you.

He’s dressed rather fashionably (like Luhan) and has shades on even though it’s not that sunny outside and you think he probably just got his eyes lasered while you turn back to looking out the window.

"Hi."

His voice startles you a little bit and you whip your head to the side with a slightly surprised expression before saying a small hello back.

"How are you?" he asks.

____________________________________________________________________

Is this man trying to start a conversation with you?

Your hand sneaks itself in your purse and grab the bottle of pepper spray just in case (but you really think you don’t need it.) and you reply, “Normally sad.”

Of course, you can’t see his eyes behind those shades, but an eyebrow rises than another on his seemingly flawless face and he amusingly says, “Enlighten me.”

You check your watch to see how much time you have left until the bus stops and you do a long story short after sighing heavily.

"You see, my boyfriend is surrounded by prettier and better girls because that’s part of his job and everyday he’s gone, I always think, ‘What does he see in me? I’m nothing compared to those girls,’ and I do somewhat get a little paranoid that one day, he’ll text me just to tell me he wants me to break up."

It’s a few seconds after your summary that he replies, “Don’t think I’m trying to make a move on you, but you’re beautiful and judging by your shirt, you work at a pharmacy. You’re most likely also in pharmacy school, too. So don’t worry.”

And for the first time in a long while, you smiled and said, “Thank you,” before getting off the bus.

__________________________________________________________________

The next day, he’s sitting next to you on the bus again and you learn his name.

"I’m Chen Qingzheng."

You smile at the fact that both of you have the same last name and reply, “Nice to meet you. I’m Chen ________.”

"Nice to meet you too."

And in that six minutes and forty-three second ride, you realize that you’re about to find a new best friend.

__________________________________________________________________

"I’m tired of calling you QZ. That’s it. Qingqing."

It’s been 42 days 53 minutes and 19 seconds and for the past two weeks, you’ve called this new friend “QZ” and it was really getting to you.

"Do you know how gay that sounds?"

"Nope!" you answer amusingly without skipping a heartbeat.

After a mini awkward silence, he gives in and says, “Fine.”

You turn to look at him (two days ago, you finally got him to take off those shades he always wore.) and smile before cutely cooing (well, you thought it was cute.), “Qingqing ya, ni zhen ke ai!”

"Thanks." (and you can see a tiny shade of pink cloud his cheeks.)

You pinch his cheeks like you would to a little kid’s (except he doesn’t have much baby fat in his cheeks and you can’t help but pout at that fact.)

He puffs his cheeks out (reminding of you how Luhan did his aegyo) while pouting back at you and you laugh.

_________________________________________________________________

One day, Qingqing’s in your room and Christi’s in there, too (he confessed that he wants to ask her out.) and the three of you chat animatedly until your computer makes sounds signalling a Skype call.

And when you squint your eyes a little to read the caller’s name, you almost pass out.

Luhan <3

 

Christi picked herself up off the bed and shoved herself and Qingqing out of your room so you had some privacy.

Your hand shook as it moved towards the mouse and motioned it so the cursor hovered above the answer button until your pointer finger pressed the left button.

You nearly cried because he was now virtually right in front of you and it had been so long since you last communicated with him (watching their shows and interviews didn’t count to you.) and your heart was speeding up way too fast and you were talking to him.

”_______! Hao jiu bu jian a! Ni ze me yang?” (_______! Haven’t seen you in a long time! How are you?)

And it takes you around thirty seconds to find your voice and reply that you’re fine (but your heart is breakingbreakingbreaking because of all the what if’s) and enjoy the 15 minutes he has to talk to you.

But then a girl arrives from behind him and playfully messes up his hair while he turns around and whines about her actions. ‘She’s so pretty’, you think, and you become even more worried because she has everything and anything to take Luhan away from you.

Over the sound of their childish banter, you type in a message saying that you have to leave and quickly click on the end call button before rushing out to Christi and Qingqing.

Even in the four second run to them, your tears have already started their way down your face at the speed of a rushing river and your hand is clenching the material over the position of your heart because it’s hurting sososomuch and you carelessly trip on nothing, your body sprawling to the ground in front of your two best friends. (This time, you can’t even think about Kris being your best friend.)

You make no effort to pick yourself up and just continue sobbing on the hardwood floor of your apartment because you’ve lost all your strength and nothing is registering in your brain except for one, your head is in Qingqing’s lap, two, Christi is trying to calm you down and wipe your tears, and three, Luhan is going to break away from you.

You vaguely think that maybe you should be the one to call it off so it wouldn’t hurt as much(it shouldn’t hurt him. He’s clearly found someone to replace you.) but that thought goes away when Qingqing picks you up bridal style and carries you to your bed with Christi following him and tucking you in. He kisses your forehead tenderly and Christi gives you a tight hug, giving you the look of “We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” when she pulls back.

This time, your dreams are nothing but heartbreaking nightmares.

_____________________________________________________________________

When you wake up the next morning, you do your routine thoughts but hesitate at the last part.

'Is this even considered dating an idol?'

And the next thing you notice are the dry tracks on your cheeks and swollen-feeling eyes and when you walk into the bathroom, you look like you’ve been personally hit by a level 5 hurricane.

Christi pops her head in after hearing you get up and looks at your face before sadly saying, “You look like .”

"Thanks, Captain Obvious."

"No, really."

She disappears for a few minutes before coming back in and shoving an outfit into your hands and resolutely says, “You change into that right now. Make yourself look presentable. I’ll call the pharmacy to give us a day off. Then, you’re going to explain everything before we go on a special shopping trip, kapish?”

You mutter a small “kapish” back before closing the bathroom door so you could get ready.

After your usual light make-up, you head out and sit next to Christi, who’s already fixed up and on the couch, and explain everything that happened during the Skype call.

"Honestly," you say, "I feel like I should call it off so it won’t hurt as much. He can’t get hurt, he’s debuting. He can’t feel anything but the pressure. So if I break up with him, he’ll have one less thing to worry about."

Christi looks at you with a troubled expression and says, “I don’t know about that…he is your boyfriend and I bet he’ll be hurt if you do…”

"I doubt it."

"Don’t do it."

"I think I will." because it hurts too much and what if he’s the one that doesn’t have feelings for me anymore i mean, look at her, she’s so beautiful, she probably looks better with him than me any day even if she was in pajamas—

"Qingqing’s here. He’s taking us out, so enjoy this, ok?"

You nod and follow her out the door and give Qingqing a hug. He kisses you on the head in a friendly gesture and mutters, “You ok?”

"Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you for last night," you say.

"Anytime, __________. Anytime."

____________________________________________________________________

A smile is on your face when you and Christi burst through your apartment door and laughing about the silliest things and Qingqing’s behind the two of you to make sure you guys don’t trip over each others feet.

His phone rings and he excuses himself outside to answer it, but your mind is on autopilot mode (the adrenaline rush makes you go slightly crazy) and decides to go eavesdrop on his conversation.

"What’s wrong, Luhan?" he asks into the speaker.

And everything crashes down on you.

____________________________________________________________________

 

You’re pretty much standing in the middle of the small corridor between your bedroom and the living room like a zombie but you’re thinking Luhan?did he just say Luhan?Don’t tell me it’s Luhan Luhan, like my boyfriend Luhan and EXO-M’s Luhan, ohgod what in the world is going on????

"Tch, are you kidding me? She looked like this morning, according to Christi," he quietly says.

After a few seconds, there’s an “Aw hell no! I’m not hitting on her, you idiot! I may be hitting on Christi, but I’m most definitely NOT hitting on your girlfriend,” coming from his mouth and is this what you think it is?

"I am looking after her, plus, she’s one of my best friends… ‘Ei, don’t take it the wrong way!…Ok ok…fine…ok, yeah, bye."

And you’re still standing in the middle of the small corridor and your feet feel like they’ve been permanently glued to the floor because you can’t run away but you don’t want to because you want answers dammit!and Qingqing’s in front of you.

"Oh, didn’t see you there, _________. I actually want to ask you about ideas to—"

"Is it true?" you quietly interrupt.

He raises and eyebrow before hesitatingly but questionably asks, “Is what true?”

And the words are stuck in your throat but you find yourself saying it.

"Is it true that Luhan sent you here to look after me?"

That !dammit-crap-what-do-I-do expression hits his face and you know your guess was right.

He sighs and runs his hand through his hair before compromising, “Let’s sit on the couch. I’ll explain everything. Christi should hear this too. CHRISTI!”

Christi comes bounding out of the room and starts breathlessly asking, “What? What? What’s wrong? Why does _________ look like she just saw a ghost or something?”

"Guys, let’s sit on the couch. I have to tell you two something."

Christi looks at you with a fearful expression and with her brain, she’s probably thinking that Qingqing’s about to tell her he’s a spy which isn’t technically a lie but still and ready to kill them both off, but you cover with her hand before she says anything stupid.

Qingqing’s sitting in the middle while you and Christi are sitting on opposite sides facing him, folding your legs in criss-cross-applesauce and you say, “Speak.”

He gives out another sigh and starts.

"I’ve been friends with Luhan for a while now, and during his training, we kept in touch. Naturally, he told me about you," he says, motioning to you, "and all his business and stuff. A few weeks before I met you, I mentioned that I was going to be in town for my job and I guess he remembered that you lived here. So he gave me your whole schedule and that’s how I came across you on the bus. He asked me to look after you and make sure you weren’t doing anything reckless, relationship and depression-wise," he holds up his hand in front of your face when you’re about to protest, "And so that’s how it all happened. How did you find out anyways?"

You look down in your lap before muttering, “I kinda eavesdropped on your conversation just now. Sorry.”

Both he and Christi give out a laugh and he says, “It’s fine. I was thinking about telling you sometime soon anyways.”

For a good three minutes, none of you say anything but it’s quite a comfortable silence and it’s broken when Qingqing says, “Luhan thinks I’m hitting on you, _________. Which I told him I’m not, but he’s feeling a little bit jealous since I’m now like your brother.”

You shake your head and what he just said goes in one ear and comes out the other, and you say, “What bothers me is that he has the time to talk to you and not me. Sue me for feeling a little jealous, but still!”

"Girl, I know where you’re coming from," Christi says.

"Will you be my girlfriend, Christi?" Qingqing bursts out.

You fight to hold a laugh in at his outburst and Christi’s flabbergasted expression (her expressions are always simply priceless) and she splutters, “I-I-wh—wait, what?!”

"Will you be my girlfriend? I’ve been kinda hitting on you for a while and have been meaning to ask you for a long time now…" he shyly says while scratching the back of his head. It was so damn cute!

Over his bowed head, Christi looks at you with a what do I say? look and you enthusiastically nod your head because you know somewhere inside, she’s got the hots for him, too.

"Yes."

He looks up at her and through his voice, you can tell he’s simply ecstatic. “Really?”

"Yeah."

He brings himself to his feet and punches his fist in the air and exclaims, “YOSH!”

Your laughs wrack your body and you’re holding your stomach while asking through breaths, “Really—hahaha—Oh my god—hahahaha—do you have to—haha—imitate—pahahaha—Rock Lee?!”

Christi starts bursting out laughing when she understands your Naruto reference and the both of you are rolling on the couch while clutching your stomachs and Qingqing is telling the both of you to stop laughing at him.

Blissful oblivion.

____________________________________________________________________

It’s a rainy Saturday afternoon and you’re at the pharmacy and cover up for Christi because she’s on a date with Qingqing at your apartment (oh dear) and you need to catch up on your hours.

For 7pm, it’s a little slower than usual, but you’re okay with that because now you have time to think about some things.

Aka, Luhan.

It’s been 52 days 11 hours and 37 minutes since his Skype call and you’re internally banging your head on an invisible concrete surface hoping that you’ll die and not have to deal with any of this but you know that’ll never happen anyways and you almost get yelled at by your manager because there’s a customer in front of you, patiently waiting for you to snap out of your daydream.

You give an apologetic smile and she nods understandingly.

"Boy problems?" she asks.

"More or less."

"It’s okay, honey. Everything will work out soon," she positively says.

"Thanks," but you don’t feel so positive at the moment.

By 11 pm, it’s still raining and dammit, why did one of your umbrella spokes have to break today?!and just as you’re crossing the street to get to the bus stop, you hear the screeching of car tires and you know the brakes might not be working too well because it’s raining so damn hard but suddenly the headlights are going a different way and you step back to avoid it, but that’s not enough and the last thing you remember is feeling a hard impact and looking at the sky while thinking of one thing.

More like person.

Luhan.

___________________________________________________________________

203 days ago.

Voicemail one:

”__________! You’re not picking up your Skype. Call me back soon! Wo hen ai ni ya~”

___________________________________________________________________

199 days ago

Voicemail three:

"….___________? Are you ignoring me? Don’t ignore me, please!"

___________________________________________________________________

193 days ago

Voicemail six:

"Ya, if you keep ignoring me, I’ll break up with you!"

___________________________________________________________________

191 days ago

Voicemail seven:

"….I was kidding. I promise, I was kidding. Don’t break up with me."

___________________________________________________________________

170 days ago

Voicemail fifteen:

"Are you cheating on me? Who’s the guy? There isn’t anyone better than me!"

___________________________________________________________________

152 days ago

"Finally! You answered—Christi?"

"Um yeah, sorry, ___________’s been really busy these days, that’s why she hasn’t picked up or answered."

"Oh, ok then! But what about her phone though?"

"Oh, um," Christi looked for a lie in her head. "Her charger broke and she’s trying to find a new one. Like I said, she’s been really busy. I happened to open up her laptop when I saw you calling through Skype."

"Oh ok. Tell her I love her for me please!" 

And right after he says that, a girly voice yelled, “Lulu~!”

He sheepishly looks at Christi through the webcam and ends the call.

Christi starts to sincerely doubt his words.

__________________________________________________________________

137 days ago

Voicemail twenty-five:

"Jia you! You’re the best! Keep fighting, __________!"

__________________________________________________________________

121 days ago

Voicemail thirty:

"…are you still busy, _____________? I would’ve thought maybe exams are over by now…call me back! Please~"

__________________________________________________________________

100 days ago

"What are we going to do, Qingqing? I don’t know if we can hold him off much longer. I think he’s starting to figure out something’s wrong," Christi worriedly says.

Qingqing puts an arm around her shoulder and pulls her body close to him while looking at your body.

"She’s been in a coma for so long, Qingqing…" she whispers. Tears start rolling down her cheeks and she asks in broken, quiet sobs, "What are we going to do? Oh god, what if she doesn’t wake up? I’ll never be able to tell her how—"

"Shh shh, it’s okay…we have to believe that she’s willing to come back to us…waking up or dying is her choice…"

"And that’s the point!" She’s really crying now. "I know that she still has that lingering depression and everything was going wrong before the accident and—oh god— you said it’s her choice, right? Knowing her, she’ll choose to die, thinking that we’re better off without her and—” She gasps. “Luhan. Oh, that devil deer!”

"Christi—"

"It’s all Luhan’s fault. Oh god, I wanna snap his head off so bad, Qingqing. That whiny girl just has to stick around and call his name out in a girly manner and—"

"Christi, let’s believe in ____________, ok? Come on, let’s go. You know how much your rambling tires her out."

She sniffles and puts the bouquet of tulips, your favorite kind of flower, in the vase on the stand next to your almost lifeless body.

___________________________________________________________________

75 days ago

Voicemail forty-one:

”_________, it’s been so busy these days… I’m sorry I haven’t called lately…Hope you’re doing well. I miss you so much. Wo hai hen ai ni~”

and there’s a faint “Lulu~!” in the back before he ends the voicemail.

___________________________________________________________________

53 days ago

Voicemail fifty:

"Where are you? You shouldn’t be busy now. You’re not cheating on me, right? I’m getting worried over here. It should be your last week of summer before the new year starts for your third year of grad school. Christi says work has been really busy. Please, call me back as soon as possible. I miss you so much."

___________________________________________________________________

47 days ago

"How long has it exactly been, Luhan, since the last time she Skyped you?" Kris warily asks.

Without skipping a single heartbeat, Luhan sadly replies, “Since early January.”

Kris looks at the calendar and honestly, he’s panicking and dying on the inside because you never not answer your phone or not answer your text messages (Kris takes the award of ”First Non-Related Brother of Chen __________”) and he might not be worrying as much as Luhan because Luhan looks like , but it’s cutting pretty close.

"I think she’ll be okay. Don’t fret. We have other things to worry about," Kris says.

Luhan sighs. “I guess.”

___________________________________________________________________

38 days ago:

Voicemail fifty-two:

"…___________ ya, where are you? Talk to me, I miss you so much. Please. Just let me know you’re ok. Kris is going crazy, too. Call me back soon or leave a voicemail or text me or—just—just anything. Please.”

___________________________________________________________________

23 days ago:

"Luhan?"

"Hey, Qingzheng," Luhan says into the speaker of his phone.

"What’s wrong? You sound terrible and—"

"Is she ok?" he interrupts.

”____________? Yeah, she’s fine. Um, pharmacy school’s just been taking a toll on her these first few weeks. She’ll be fine. She’s strong,” he lies through his teeth.

Qingqing and Christi are in your hospital room when Luhan calls and Christi quietly listens in.

"…she’s not answering anything, Qingzheng. And I mean anything. What if she’s going back to depression again? We can’t let that happen! Have you seen her or Christi lately?”

Qingqing looks at Christi before lying, “No, Christi sounds busy, too. I don’t want to bother them.”

"…ok, thanks, Qingzheng. I’ll talk to you later. Bye."

"Bye."

Qingqing slides his phone shut and looks at Christi before asking, “What’s going to happen?”

Christi turns back to your body and holds your hand that seems to be getting colder each time she comes and whispers, “I don’t know.”

I don’t know.

____________________________________________________________________

18 days ago

Voicemail fifty-four:

"…I hope you’re not doing anything bad to yourself. Even though pharmacy school sounds really busy right now, you need to relax a little bit, you know. Have some fun with Christi…and call me back!"

(he tries to lighten the worry on him but nothing’s working.)

"Come back to me, ________________. Please."

____________________________________________________________________

15 days ago

"Yifan…when’s our next free day?" Luhan asks.

"Um…in about two weeks. Why?"

"…I’m going to go see her. I feel like she might need me," Luhan quietly says.

"Be careful. Bring a hat and glasses. Don’t be seen. Most of all, take care of her for me," Kris instructs.

"I’ll try my best," and his voice is so quiet that Kris can barely hear him.

____________________________________________________________________

Yesterday 

"Qingzheng?"

"Hey Luhan. What’s up?" Qingqing asks.

"…where is she?"

"She’s um….at work with Christi right now."

"She’s not here. Only Christi’s here. I just called in and they haven’t seen __________ for a long time."

"…are you in town?"

"Where is she?"

And Qingqing thinks oh oh , what do I say?!? before giving in because lying to Luhan for 202 days is enough, especially when he’s that close to finding out.

"When are you coming?"

"I have a free day tomorrow. I’ll be coming tomorrow."

"How about this. We meet up tomorrow and I’ll take you to her with Christi," he compromises.

"Deal. See you tomorrow. B—"

"Bring her favorite flowers."

"But—"

"Just bring them." click

Luhan looks at his phone with curiosity peaking. Why does Qingqing want him to bring you tulips?

meanwhile…

You’ve always been one to run away because it’s so easy to just pick your legs up and leave everything.

You feel like your body is drowning in black waters and honestly, you’re ready to just give up and stop fighting because you’re a coward and isn’t giving up something that cowards are known for?

But then when you open your eyes in the water, Luhan is smiling down at you and you want to raise your hand to touch his face even though he’s probably found another girl to replace you and you hear his voice ringing through your ears and saying, “Fight, ___________. Fight! Don’t drown, come back to me!” and you want to ask, “Why? Why should I fight? If I die, things would be much easier for everyone else…no more tuition for my parents to pay, no more girlfriend burden on you, no more sister burden on Kris, Qingqing, and Christi, somebody could get my job and not be jobless…why…”

“Keep your eyes open, dammit!” Qingqing’s and Christi’s voice sounds.

There’s that great weight that tugs on your eyelids and you’re tired of fighting and you just want to hit the bottom of the ocean nowand stay away from all this—

You close your eyes.

_____________________________________________________________________

"WHAT?! Qingqing, are you asking for a death sentence? She’s going to give you hell when she wakes up and finds out—”

"Christi, we can’t lie to him any longer. We have to think for the both of them," Qingqing argues.

"But—"

"He’s here. Let’s go."

…

…

"Qingzheng, why are we going to the hospital?"

"You’ll see."

He and Christi lead him through hallways and past bustling nurses and doctors and his heart starts to catch in his throat because of all the nervousness that’s building up and a million whatif’s are running through his mind, but his brain stops thinking when they’re in front of a door.

"She’s in here."

Luhan looks at them with an expression of thanks and opens the door.

His heart stops and his hands drop the bouquet of your favorite yellow tulips out shock andso many other emotions because this——

This, was definitely something he didn’t expect to see, nor wanted to see in his lifetime.

Ever.

____________________________________________________________________

Really, he was expecting more of a nicer surprise, like, you were working there part time or something or you magically found a long lost relative of his.

But you in a hospital bed with zero heartbeat?

Completely unexpected.

He picks up the bouquet and sets it on the table next to you before grabbing your hand (why is it so damn cold?!) and squeezing it like it’s his lifeline.

And at this point, it kind of is.

Luhan is on the verge of getting a heart attack and yelling at the doctors but he knows it’s not the doctors’ fault and soon enough, he finds himself yelling at you with tears rolling down his face.

His heart is breaking too fast because he doesn’t want to face the fact that there is a really good possibility you will leave him, but he can try, right?

"Stay with me, dammit!!!" he half yells and half sobs. "Don’t you dare leave me or Qingzheng or Christi or Yifan alone! Do you hear me, _________?! Open your eyes! PLEASE!"

….

Your eyes are closed and you’re so happy because you can finally rest and hit the bottom of the obsidian waters of death and sleep, but before you take that last breath, there’s a voice ringing in your ears.

You think it’s Luhan, but it can’t be. What is he doing here?

Oh.

Oh, you’re gonna KILL Qingqing when you become a ghost floating around—

Suddenly, the voice becomes clearer and you realize that it is Luhan.

He’s yelling at you, telling you to open your eyes and stay with him, but you can’t find it in yourself to do so because all your life, you’ve been nothing but a burden…

But something is pulling you towards the surface and you turn around to try to swim back down, but that force tugging on you is too strong for you to oppose.

The waters become brighter and soon it’s nothing but gray (there are no shades of gray) and you close your eyes in frustration and despair and then a bright scintillating light shines in front of your eyes—

No. 

"Clear!"

The heart meter starts beeping again.

Everyone in the room lets out their held breath in relief and Luhan is still gripping your hand so tightly and you can feel it and—

No.

No.

Nononono.

Why are you awake?

Why are you about to open your eyes?

No.

You try to subtly keep them closed and not move and luckily it fools them all into thinking you’re still in a coma.

You know it’s Luhan’s hand holding yours and really, the only thing registering right now is that he’s holding—no, that’s an understatement, more like squeezing the life out of your hand (Yes, the thought is redundant, but that’s all you can think about because it’s Luhan.)

Your eyes stay closed and sleep overcomes you.

_____________________________________________________________________

When you wake up, you forget that you’re feigning and Christi automatically rushes over to you and pushes the button that calls for the doctors.

She’s blubbering like a fool and awkwardly hugging you but you know she’s been worried for the past god knows how long and you noncommittally tell her that she’s hurting you just a little bit and she backs off with a smile on her face.

Qingqing’s there, too, and giving you a smile, but his eyes have something in it that makes you worry.

"Luhan was here, wasn’t he?" you ask.

Christi stops smiling and starts cursing under her breath in rapid Mandarin before sighing, “Yeah, little er.”

"Language, love," Qingqing reprimands.

"Wait, how did you know?" Christi splutters.

You can never lie to Christi.

"Well," you start in a timid voice, "I actually did wake up yesterday….and I heard his voice and stuff and just kept my eyes closed…I was hoping he would leave before I actually open my eyes and look! He’s not here."

"Yesterday was his free day. He came on behalf of himself and Yifan," Qingqing butts in.

There’s a three minute silence when the doctors come in and check up on you and tell you that you’re doing fine and you can be released in about a week. You smile and thank him and before he leaves your side, you quietly ask, “Can you prescribe me some anti-depressants?”

He turns to you and nods because he understands.

"Thank you."

And once everybody’s out but you three, Qingqing starts again.

"If Luhan sees you with those the next time he comes, he’ll really freak. And I mean really freak.”

"I know," you say.

I know.

_____________________________________________________________________

It’s two weeks later after you step back into your apartment and inhale the air because you miss it so damn much and when you open your Skype, Christi notices and warns, “Um, there’s a large number of voicemails left on your Skype.

And they’re all from Luhan.”

Your heart stops.

Why would he bother?

_____________________________________________________________________

After Christi spends a good thirty minutes lecturing you, you listen to each voicemail, one by one.

One by one.

And just as you finish the last one and still think that Luhan’s cheating on you with that girl with the shrilly voice, Luhan just happens to call through Skype.

Luhan’s always had a thing with doing things at the right times and the wrong times.

And right now is precisely the wrong time.

You can care less about your face right now and Christi’s behind you and trying to make you answer and you really don’t want to, but you need answers.

Closure.

"Christi…"

And she understood. “Leaving,” and left with her phone.

You sigh before clicking on the dreaded green “Answer” button and your eyes focus on his face.

”___________, oh my god, you answered, I have to get Yifan, wait a second—” and he disappears.

You patiently wait for him to re-appear and Yifan to appear, but then she saunters into the camera’s view and sees you.

"Ah! You must be ______________, right?"

Fake smile set on your face.

"Yes. And you are…?"

"I’m Zou Tingling, Xiumin’s girlfriend."

Oh.

Well, that certainly made you a little happier.

"Cute," you say.

"I treat Lulu like he’s my little brother. I honestly wish he was," she sighed.

"Well—"

”___________! NI ZHE GE BEN DAN!! (YOU IDIOT!!) DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED I WAS?! I SWEAR, I’M NEVER GONNA—”

"Ei, stop yelling at my girlfriend, Yifan! She just got out of the hospital, you idiot!"

Yifan runs his hand through his hair and apologizes.

You smirk. “Miss you too, niu zai ge.”

"HEY, that was—"

"Look, if you’re just gonna yell at my girlfriend while you’re here, you might as well leave," Luhan interrupts.

"Well, I know she’s ok now, so I can go. You owe me, _________! You don’t how much effort I spent in holding this kid back from doing crazy things to find you! He even threatened to—"

And Luhan pushes him out the door along with Xiumin’s girlfriend.

"So," you start. "You seem pretty chummy with this Tingling."

Luhan scratches the back of his neck and starts, “Well…we all try to be nice to her ‘cause no one really likes her…so we try to keep her happy or else Xiumin’s behind us breathing down our necks.”

You nod your head.

Three minute silence.

"I miss you," he suddenly blurts.

I’m not so sure yet. Am I being stupid?

"I miss you, too. I’ll talk to you later."

And just as your cursor moves toward the “End Call” button, you hear him hurriedly blurt, “I love you!”

You end the call.

I love you much more than you think and know, Luhan.

____________________________________________________________________

Everything’s pretty much normal again now that you’re back to work and school.

Mid-terms are done (you wish you could go back in time and murder the person who ever created mid-terms, those dreaded nasty things) and you’re sitting on the bus, calculating how many days it’s been the that last Skype call with Bambi.

42 days 13 hours 27 minutes.

You miss Luhan like crazy, but you don’t want to get too attached in case something happens, so you’ve stopped virtually stalking EXO-M (but mainly Luhan) aka stop watching their interviews, looking for photos and whatnot.

You’re in the park where he told you about being street-casted and the memory replays in your head like it just happened yesterday.

"I got signed with SM."

"Congrats!"

"…are you really okay with this, __________? I can stay, all you have to do is just tell me—"

"No, I’m happy for you. Go fetch your dream."

"Will you wait for me?"

"Of course."

A soft kiss.

"Thank you. I love you."

"I love you, too."

And you watched his back (his strong back that willingly holds your problems) disappear in the airport.

You’re not much of a selfish person.

And just as you’re shaking an anti-depressant out of the bottle, someone’s calling your name.

You turn around,

and it’s himin all his singer/dancer glory with a black scarf wrapped around his neck and glasses that don’t fit him too well and a black coat tightly wrapped around his godlike torso—

Luhan.

What are you doing here?

_____________________________________________________________________

For a moment, you realize you should’ve made an excuse or try to tell him he has the wrong person and that you’re not who he called for, but then you see that his eyes are not staring at you.

They’re staring at the pill bottle in your hands.

There’s already an anti-depressant in your left hand and you ignore his burning stare when closing the bottle, putting it in your purse while grabbing a water bottle, and swallowing the pill.

He’s still standing 8 feet in front of you with wide eyes and you stare back (But really, your knees are about to give out from the intensity of his eyes) and he asks, “What are those?”

Um, um, you’re in pharmacy school dammit, um—

"Painkillers."

"Don’t you have Tylenol for that?" No Luhan, stop trying to figure it out, I’m doing this for the both of us—

"Arm. I broke my violin out last week," not a lie “and played it for a while. My arm hurt the next morning. So yeah, piroxicam for the win.”

And by the look in his eyes, he still doubts you.

You turn to leave and tears are building up in your eyes (you try to convince yourself it’s because of the cold wind) but arms wrap around your waist and a nose nuzzles into your neck and oh god, you missed his touch so much-

"Stop running away," he whispers into your ear.

And really, you don’t notice that tears are making shining tracks down your face but you can feel that choked up feeling and it’s building up inside you and you have to stop yourself from shaking and sobbing because—

"Leave me," you say.

His arms tighten around you and his chin is on top of your head. "Never.”

You struggle to get out of his grasp and run far, far away but your strength is nothing compared to his and the grip around your waist is even tighter—

"I said, stop running away, Chen ____________,” he sadly whispers in your ear.

You try even harder because running away is all you can do at this point but his question stops you.

"Why do you keep running away from me?"

Everything clicks.

Everything fit together like a puzzle piece.

you just didn’t want to face the infuriating truth

You thought it was because you were scared about him finding out about the anti-depressants, but it’s nothing like that.

You’re angry, enraged, and frustrated at him.

(but you know you’re shouldn’t be. Or maybe you should. But you’re so distraught by the fact that you feel like you are and nothing’s making it better—)

Why?

Because you think it’s his fault.

His fault for waking you up.

His fault for showing up at the wrong time.

His fault for stopping you from running away.

His fault for taking you away from those dark waters of death.

His fault for making you come back to this pitiful life. (But he, Christi, Qingqing, and Yifan are the ones that make it a little better, your conscience says.)

Your thoughts stop processing when his slender fingers wipe away your tears and he gently turns you around so he can see you.

Can he see the shadows of the pieces of your broken heart?

"Why?" he whispers again.

A few moments later, you start.

"I was mad at you. I was about to die, Luhan. I was about to finally leave my horrible life that has no family because my parents died in a car crash when I was seven and—"

Sobs wrack your body and Luhan hugs you into his chest and his embrace gives you that sense of feeling that everything will be okay and he’ll protect you from all the dangers that come your way—

"—I would finally be able to see them again, but it was you. That day you went to the hospital, I heard your voice and suddenly I was being dragged away from the ocean floor and I struggled and—"

You hate it. Youhateit youhateit youhateit god, you just want this to end—

"—I..woke up," you end with a sob.

His hand your hair as you let everything out and you’re weakly beating your fists against his chest and saying things like, "It’s all your fault!" and "I’m so mad at you!" and"Why did you have to come that day?" and other obscenities along the lines of those and he’s whispering apologies into your hair—

You stop and clutch the wool material of his coat in your frozen hands and you come to a decision that’s best for him and his future—

"Luhan, let’s break up," you mutter.

Did he hear right?

You can’t afford to look into his eyes because you’re afraid that you’ll take that statement back in a heartbeat—

"B-b-but…why?”

He’s holding you at arm’s length and you’re looking at the ground and you can tell he’s searching for your eyes to see if there’s a joking twinkle in them—

"You’re getting busier and you need less things to worry about. Taking me off your list cuts down about half of your worries. I think your life will be much better off without—"

"Don’t you dare finish that sentence," he threatens.

"—me," you finish quietly.

Silence.

"Listen," he starts suddenly. "Do you realize that I do things because of you? Because you’re my inspiration? Because the fact that I have your heart drives me to keep it safe with everything I have?"

Your silence beckons him to continue. (but no, you want him to stop. He has to go and stay safe from you because you’re nothing but utter disaster and bad luck—)

"Do you know that I don’t know what I would do without you?"

"You’ll just keep going through with EXO—"

"No, I’ll probably get kicked out for moping all the time," he cuts in.

You look up at him and you wish you hadn’t when you see his eyes but you harden your resolve by removing yourself from his grip and turning around and saying, “Sweet words, but—”

"I need you, _____________. Can you understand that?" (and his voice sounds so broken that you nearly turn back and run to his arms and be the stupid selfish person you are—)

Yes, yes I can, but then again, I can’t because I’m a hundred percent sure that I need you muchmuchmuch more than you need me—

His melodic voice enters your ears and you realize he’s singing the chorus from that English song by Bruno Mars in his Chinese accent—

"Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain…”

And instead giving a crescendo on the end, his voice gets softer until it dies on the last “rain” and oh god, what are you going to do without him?

He gently grabs your wrist and pulls you into a hug and kisses your long, sleek hair before saying, “We’ll go through this together. I’ll help you no matter what, ok?”

And it’s another fifty-five seconds before you nod.

…

"You’re not cheating on me with Qingzheng, right?"

"LUHAN!"

-

"OW, THAT HURT. WHY’D YOU HIT ME?! ‘EY, GET BACK HERE, ____________—"

And as Luhan catches you with your back towards him and arms around hte waist and spins you around, genuine laughs spill from your mouth (and his) and you smile for the first time in a good, long while.

-

Wo ai ni.

-

We’ll glue your broken heart together and stop it from breaking.