After crying in the field for what seemed like forever, I finally calmed down to a numb state.

My tears ran out.

My mind blanked out.

I have never felt so abandoned than now.

I have never felt so empty than now.

I lost track of everything.

I lost all of my emotions.

Sungyeol watched quietly as I got out of his embrace and sit beside him. He brushed a stray tear away from my cheek and watched me carefully.

Emotionlessly, I slowly moved away from Sungyeol and got up, picking my bag from where I had dropped it hours ago. I started to walk away from the field with no sense of direction. Sungyeol caught up to me and grabbed my arm.

"Hwayoung-ah? Where are you going?" I turned to look back at him blankly. "Home."

I turned back and resumed walking. He started to follow me, but I stopped him with a hand. "Let me be alone." I walked off, leaving him looking after me with worry written all over his face.

I never did go home. I ended up wandering the streets, placing one foot woodenly in front of the other as I walked through the streets.

There was no destination and I didn't see anything. I stared ahead of me without actually seeing anything. I didn't feel anything either. The sky was darkening, but I still didn't go home. I knew that once I got home everything will come rushing back to me at once and I will break down again.

Everywhere I went, there was bound to be a happy couple somewhere, as if to spite me. Eventually, my legs carried me home and unlocked the door, going in. Thankfully, my parents weren't home from work yet so I didn't have to put on a mask that early.

I dropped my bag on the floor and went on the laptop. I instictively went on Facebook and immediately wished I hadn't. All our couple selcas that L had pasted and tagged me in were gone. He'd even changed his display picture to one that only had him in it. My fingers froze over the mouse as I saw it.

So it was true. He really did break up with me.

We really were over.

I closed my laptop immediately as I felt like my heart was going to tear itself from my body. I went to my phone, forcing myself to stop thinking about L. Even if it was for a moment, I needed to get away from the thought of him.

However, tears started to roll down my cheeks again as I opened my phone. I had a picture of us, with me laughing happily into the camera and L planting a kiss cutely on my cheek, pinching his eyes shut and smiling sweetly into my cheek on the lock screen.

A beautiful sunset was in the background. It was from when we went on the date to celebrate our 2-year anniversary; I had been the happiest on that day, yet that feeling seemed to far away now. I unlocked it to an even more heart-breaking photo. It was a picture of L with heart cookies covering his eyes, smiling cutely into the camera.

With trembling hands I started to delete those two pictures, but stopped before pressing to confirm. It was too soon. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had been way too harsh on myself; trying to erase every trace of our relationship already when we'd just broken up today.

I checked my texts. I had text messages from the entire group, asking me what happened between us and that they didn't understand anything.

Bora

HWAYOUNG! WHAT HAPPENED, TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE-TELL ME THAT WHAT L SAID WAS NOT TRUE.

MSG ME ASAP.

Hwayoung, I'm really worried about you! Where did you run off to? 

Are you home yet? Don't ignore me please...

You don't have to talk to me, but please say anything so I know you're there...

Woohyun

Hwa, I don't understand what happened...are you okay?

Call oppa, Hwayoung-ah...

Stay strong Hwayoung. Oppa will understand if you don't want to talk to me now, but take care of yourself! Don't worry oppa...

Dongwoo

HWAIE. CALL OPPA RIGHT NOW.

HWAIE! OPPA IS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU!

If you don't give an sign that you're there oppa will come to your house and break down your door until I see that you're there Hwaie, don't worry me like this...

Sungjong

Why didn't you talk to me about this, Hwayoungie? I'm really worried about you, hyung said you ran off without saying anything. 

Hwayoungie! Tell oppa what happened, I will always be by your side no matter what. You are my best friend and you have to let me help you Hwayoungie.

I'm worried about you...

I guess now is not a good time to talk. Stay strong my Hwayoungie, don't ever feel alone... Call me when you're ready, I'll always be there at any time.

Dasom

UNNIE! GWENCHANA?! CALL ME BACK ASAP WHEN YOU SEE THIS!

I FEEL SO SPEECHLESS RIGHT NOW AND YOU MUST BE DEVASTATED! STAY STRONG, UNNIE!

CALL ME!

Unnie mianhae, I didn't mean to force you to say anything, but everyone is worried about you and just wanted to know that you're safe...I hope you feel better unnie, hwaiting!

Soyu

Hwayoung, don't hold anything from me, I know you too well for that.

Talk to me Hwayoung-ah, don't make me worried! I'll help you through this.

You don't have to go through it alone.

Please Hwayoung-ah. talk to me...

Sunggyu

Our Hwayoungie...otteoke...please don't feel too badly over this Hwayoungie...don't hurt yourself even more than you have already been hurt.

Call me when you are ready to speak to me.

Oppa can come over to talk to you if you want Hwayoungie, but jebal, don't hold anything back...you need to let this out.

You can do this Hwayoungie, I believe in you.

Remember to call me when you're ready, oppa will be waiting.

Hoya

Hwayoung-ah, I heard about what happened. I'm so sorry, Hwayoung-ah...please feel better. Don't ever let anything stop you from achieving happiness.

Talk to me, Hwayoung-ah...I miss you already...jebal, say something so I know you're there...

I'm really worried about you Hwayoung-ah...

Hyorin

Unnie is always here for you Hwayoung-ah, stay strong.

Unnie will give you as much space as you need, but please do call me when you feel like you need someone to lean on.

Stay safe Hwayoung-ah, everyone cares for you. I hope you feel better soon.

Sungyeol

Hwayoung-ah. Don't hurt yourself. I'll always be your support.

I've been through the start of the journey with you already, so please, let me help you through the entire journey too.

Don't shut yourself away from me, Hwayoung-ah. You can tell me anything and I will never judge you.

But please, I hope you're home safe and sound right now.

Call me.

I'm worried sick about you Hwayoung-ah, why aren't you answering your phone? It's been 3 hours...

Hwayoung-ah? Where are you?

Jebal...

I read though all of them, touched that they had worried about me, but I didn't have the heart to talk to any of them yet. I sent the same text over and over to all of them, saying that I was home and safe, and thanked them for their concern, but was not ready to talk yet.

When I reached Sungyeol's texts, I paused. After a moment of thought I knew it'd be better to tell him the truth because he knew everything already and there was no point in hiding it. Besides, he wasn't the type to tell anyone, even if he did seem like a choding on the outside. 

Hwayoung

Oppa, gomawo for being my support, and I am home safe now, but I need some time alone. I don't know how to face everyone tomorrow, oppa... I'm sorry for replying you this late, but in truth I had been wandering the streets not knowing where to go for hours.

I put the phone down and closed my eyes, laying back on the couch. I needed time to think, I needed time to recompose myself. Those thoughts swirled around my mind until I was lulled to sleep by them.

"Hwayoung-ah, wake up! Hwayoung-ah!" I stirred and slowly opened my eyes to see my mom peering down at me. "Why are you sleeping here? Did you eat dinner yet?" I groaned and turned around for a bit.

"What time is it?" My mom shook her head at me and quickly dashed into the kitchen to get me dinner.

"It's 10 o'clock, you pabo! Did you do your homework yet? Today isn't Friday you know!" A sharp pain sheared itself through my chest and I gasped softly, trying to hide it from my mom.

Tomorrow is Friday...I still have to face them...I still have to face him...It's too soon...

I grabbed my bag from the ground near the door and took the dinner from my mom gratefully. "Gomawao Umma, I'm going upstairs to eat and do my homework." I quickly dashed up the stairs to my room and closed the door before my mom could say anything.

I sat down on my chair and just stared out of my window blankly in the dark, not even bothering to turn on the light. So this is what a break up feels like. I slumped down in my seat. There was this void in my chest, this emptiness that was once filled with so much love it was overflowing.

Everywhere I look in my room, it looked devoid of happiness; it was like I didn't hve emotions anymore, it was as if L had taken them all away with him when he said he didn't feel the same around me anymore.

My phone's screen lit up again with a vibration and I glanced over. My heart stopped and my hands froze on its way to get it-a text from L. I stared at it for a long time, comtemplating whether to open it or not, wondering if it'll hurt me more to see it or leave it. In the end, the curiosity got the better of me and I opened it.

L

Gwenchana?

A simple text, yet it sent my heart and brain into a frenzy, wondering what he was trying to say and if I should even reply back. It was too soon for me not to care and I ended up texting back, silently hoping for him to take back his words, say that it was a mistake and that he didn't mean it. Desperate for a second chance.

Hwayoung

Ani.

Why did you do that, Oppa?

I waited for a reply, an explanation, anything to help me clarify and understand that this was the reality and not just some horrible nightmare.

I waited.

And waited.

I fell asleep waiting for him, not even touching my homework after he texted me. At 11 o'clock, I finally got a reply from him and wished that he didn't reply instead, because his reply hurt me more than his silence did.

L

I'm really sorry, Hwayoung.

I know we've been together for two years, but I can't go on with you anymore. I started to lose my feelings for you as a girlfriend. We act like best friends half the time anyway!

I know I've been acting really cranky around you recently and I really didn't mean to do that.

Don't misunderstand; I didn't do that in hopes of you losing your feelings for me. Rather, I did that because I've been worried about thinking of ways to break it to you nicely and gently so I wouldn't hurt you any more than necessary.

I guess I've been really sensitive and stingy around you, always getting irritated easily and fighting with you.

I'm sorry that I've caused you more pain through that-I should've told you earlier, and I've thought of many methods, but when I run the scenarios through my mind, none of them worked and that's why I decided to tell you outright.

I didn't want to lie or sugarcoat anything because I'm afraid that you'll feel betrayed and deceived.

Please understand, Hwayoung, because even if I didn't break up with you today, we still wouldn't have been happy together anyway. I feel better about our relationship as friends, instead of lovers. Please feel better, Hwayoung and I'm sorry.

Please, just cherish the memories we made together over the past 2 years.

I finally did understand him, but that didn't mean that my heart wasn't feeling like it'd been ripped out of my chest and stepped on and thrown in a pit of fire. Two years may not seem like a long time, but it is a long time when I think of all of the memories that I've made with L, the countless times he'd smile at me whenever he saw me, the times when he'd hug me or kiss me just because, and the countless amount of times he cared for me.

Almost 85% of the photos on my phone were of him or us. The time that we've spent together, and the phone calls every night. The goodnight texts and the good morning texts. All of that piled up into something priceless that cannot be forgotten, and to realize that I can't do any of those things with him anymore was like a slap in the face.

I spent every day happily because I knew that even if that day wasn't the best and I had rough times, L would always be there to support and comfort me. Now that he was gone, the feeling I felt could not even be put into words. I reread the text over and over again until I could recite it with my eyes closed. Well, friendship is better than nothing I guess.

Hwayoung

Arasso.

L

So...still friends?

Hwayoung

Ne.

L

Thank you for understanding, Hwayoung. Get a good night's rest and I will see you tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Tears rolled down my cheeks again for the nth time today as I thought of him, before replying curtly. I didn't have the energy to say anything else, so I just agreed to everything.

Hwayoung

Ne.

A good night's rest...see you tomorrow... those words echoed in my head and I shoved my phone into my bag angrily. Maybe I don't want to see him... 

Who was I kidding though, I obviously wanted to see him.

But the thought of us only being friends was terrible. I thought of only talking to him as friends and nothing more was like a cage, trapping my heart inside. My mind was a jumble of thoughts and none of them made sense anymore.

I couldn't function properly and felt like I was going to go through another break down like the one I had this afternoon. There was an urge to ball up underneath my covers and just cry until I couldn't cry anymore.

But having watched several kdramas, I knew that if I didn't push myself away from him now, I would end up a blubbering mess for at least a month. Better cut it short than drag it out.

I wanted to be harsh on myself, ignoring the throbbing pain, but in the end, I couldn't do it.

I tried to distract myself with homework, and ended up throwing every single thing I had on the table onto the floor. I went and grabbed anything I could find, throwing it at the wall or on the ground, angry tears flying down my face, silent sobs suffocating me.

My entire body was shaking from the overload of emotions I was feeling and my actions started getting more and more out of control with the more things I threw. There was no way that I'll ever forget about him. Not when I'm feeling so riduculously alone and isolated right now. Sure, all of my friends were very caring and supportive, wanting to talk to me and listen, but in the end, there would still be a limit to how much they could understand me.

No one will understand my feelings because none of them had paid super close attention to us.

At the end of day, I was the only one who will ever know what it feels like.

I start to whip things against the wall and the floor, not caring that I'll damage them or wake my parents up. It was to the point where I didn't care about my image anymore, or the fact that I had been trying so incredibly damn hard to hide our relationship from them.

They were one of those parents who had a strict no-dating rule, but since they always had to work late into the night, I've always had time to go on dates with L or bring him over for dinner. Now, even if they did find out and get angry at me, I didn't care anymore. Nothing will hurt me more than L did. All of my efforts were wasted anyway.

Everything was already broken.

I was already broken.

I threw yet another thing onto the floor, not even knowing what it was and blindly grasped around for more, but felt nothing but air. I finally stoppped and kneeled over, hands on my knees, panting from the tremendous amount of effort that I had exerted.

My hand shot up to my hair and I messed it up, wanting to yank my hair out from everything, muffling a scream into my sweater. Even with my parents being in the same house, they being heavy sleepers had no idea what was happening in their daughter's room. 

I muffled another scream, hot tears blinding me as I tried to grasp more things to throw. Slowly, I collapsed onto the floor, exhausted and weak from overexerting myself. I shut my eyes, emptying my mind, trying to empty all of the memories I had to L.

And miraculously, I actually fell asleep, not even stirring or waking up once. It was the most peace I've had in the entire day-a sleep without any dreams or nightmares of what had happened in the past few hours.

I slept on the middle of the floor in my room, not even noticing the huge mess of a disaster zone I had created in my hurt and frustration. The aftermath of my relationship with L.

Hello everyone again, new update. Hope you guys liked it. PLEASE DON'T UNSUBSCRIBE, YOU'LL MAKE ME CRY D'x

Much love,

BeatofWings