I stared at him from afar. I could see him coming in my direction, and my pathetic heart sped up. I won't look, I won't look, I don't care anymore, I don't care anymore, I don't care anymore. I repeated the mantra to myself silently in my head, hoping for my heart to cooperate. But my heart, being as rebellious as it always was, only sped up even faster as he came closer and closer with each step, my gaze frozen, breath caught in my throat.

It's been so long already, when will he return to the way he was before now? It's been too long.

He walked closer and my hand gripped my locker door, hoping against hope that today, out of all days, might be the day when he smiled at me again. The smile he used to give me everyday.

I caught his eyes flicking over in my direction, then just as quickly flick back away when he was just in front of me. He looked straight ahead with an indifferent look on his face and brushed past me as he walked away, his long strides unfalthered, not a trace of hesitation on his features. My heart dropped. He didn't even acknowledge me. I shouldn't have hoped for so much today, of all days.

The day of our anniversary.

I know it's over already, but I can't stop thinking about him and hoping for him. I couldn't stop myself from hoping on the same day every month that maybe today is THE day that L would come back. It was as if someone had taken him away and swapped him with an emotionless jerk who didn't care for anything. Even then, I still cared, because I still loved.

I couldn't stop loving, even if I have never felt so empty from loving someone.

L. 

I knew that being the only one suffering over our broken relationship was useless, but it's the only memory of our past that I could hang onto. Because if I let even this memory go, then there truly is nothing left of us. All that would remain would be in the fragmented memories of people's minds, a trace of us in their hushed whispers, a whisp of us in my tears. 

I had hoped too much and the disappointment was overwhelming to the point that it felt like a black hole had replaced my heart. The higher you climb, the harder you fall.

But I was willing to fall, no matter what; the only problem is that there was nobody to break my fall. With every time I see him, I stupidly climb another step higher, and with every time he left me, I fell a bit deeper.

The bell rung, and closing my locker door, I trudged silently to class as all the students around me rushed to class, trying to make it on time. I was in no hurry to make it to class anyway. It's not like the sight of L would ease my pain any further than he had already caused. Not when I sat right behind him.

Miraculously, I arrived to class right when the final bell rung, but most of the class were already seated, so that caused many pairs of eyes to land of me as I walked to my seat, head slightly down.

"Hey Hwayoungie~!" Sungjong's cheerful greeting brought a small smile to my face as I looked up, but that was promptly dissipated when my eyes accidentally locked with L's. For the first time in months, he finally looked at me in the eyes. My mouth opened into a small o shape and my legs stopped functioning.

Insteading of seeing Sungjong wave cheefully at me with a bright smile on his face behind L, I was staring right into L's eyes. 

Right at that moment, the teacher walked in and told us all to have a seat. While the other remaining students walked over to their seats, I was still standing there frozen, not comprehending what the teacher was saying. She noticed me being the only one standing there and she called on me.

"Hwayoung? What are you doing? Have a seat." I was still focused on L; for the first time, he didn't break his gaze with me. He frowned when the teacher called my name, calling me back to reality. "Hwayoung-sshi?"

I blinked and quickly rushed to my seat beside Sungjong who was madly gesturing for me to go sit down. "N-ne! I'm sorry."

Sungjong leaned over and whispered in my ear, "What were you doing there? You looked like a statue, and you completely ignored me!" he pouted. I looked over at him briefly, still flustered while getting my books out of my bag.

"H-huh? Oh. Uh, I don't know...stop distracting me, Jongie." he looked at me weirdly but stopped prodding me. I inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. When class ended, I packed up my things and was getting ready to leave when L turned over. 

My heart banged violently in my chest as new hope blossomed from the eye contact before. He did turn around, but he didn't even look at me. "Sungjong-ah. Let's go the other way to Bio." The other way? But that's practically walking around half of the school to get there, I thought. Why not the normal way? 

And then it hit me. Because I walked that way. He would rather walk around half of the school than walk two minutes with me. Sungjong looked at me, unsure, but got dragged out by L as soon as he finished packing up his bag. "B-bye Hwayoungie! I'll see you later!" 

L didn't even turn around-instead, he dragged Sungjong out faster.

I stared after them, my disappointment weighing me down to the ground. So that gaze was just an accident...he never meant it. Very slowly, I got up and putting one foot in front of the other, I managed to get to my next class. In a daze, I greeted Bora, Woohyun, Dongwoo and Hoya, and sat down.

My mind was still stuck on when L looked at me, unflinchingly. Why does he hate me so much? Why did he change so much? 

Even though the three was them were joking around and the class was noisy, none of their words registered in my brain. I felt like I was alone, imprisoned in my own little world that nobody knew about; a world nobody could get in. I was suddenly called to attention when Woohyun mentioned my name.

"Right Hwa?" I looked up, breaking away from my daze. "Huh?"

Dongwoo laughed and ruffled my hair. "See? You bored her to death with your anecdote, Hyunnie! Just give up already~" I looked around, a bit lost in their conversation. "Mianhae, I wasn't listening at all. Woohyun oppa, what did you say?"

Woohyun mocked clutched at his chest with a pained expression. "Ouch Hwa, you broke my heart just there. Doesn't the sight of me in pain break your heart as well?" I smiled weakly at what he just said. My heart's already broken, Hyunnie oppa. The less you know, the better. "Mianhae oppa, just tell me again, I'll listen this time." He grinned and tried to restart his story but was stopped by Bora and Dongwoo slapping their hands over his mouth, muffling him and pushing him down. 

"Don't make us go through torture again! Omo Hwayoung-ah, what have you done!" groaned Bora when Woohyun broke free and proudly retold us his story of how some girl was falling all head over heels for him. I listened, feigning interest in his story as I quietly sat there.

I noticed that Hoya was also quiet and turned around to see him looking at me. When I looked over, he gave me a soft and sad smile before jumping up to catch Woohyun who nearly slipped on the chair he was standing on.

I stared at him questioningly. It was as if he understood what I was going through and was sympathizing with me. But he wouldn't know, so why did he look at me like that? I watched him as he laughed with Woohyun squirming in his arms, telling him that it was gross for him to catch him bridal-style and commanding him to let him down.

That gaze that he had on me moments before disappeared and my questions dissolved as well. I'm probably just too into thinking about L that I'm overthinking it, I thought. There's no way he'd understand.

Spending the rest of my day in a daze, I finally got to my last class, the class I've been dreading since second period: the class where L sits next to me.

Entering the classroom, I saw that L, Sunggyu and Dasom were already there, talking amongst themselves. The latter two greeted me warmly while L just flicked his eyes over quickly, not saying a word. Taking that brief eye contact as encouragement, I mustered up all of my courage and finally tried to speak to him.

"H-hey L.........oppa...?" My greeting came out awkward and butchered. I was stuttering and nervous. I watched him flinch at the word 'oppa' and immediately regretted saying it. We were all supposed to be on good terms and all, and as I called all of the other boys oppa, I thought I'd try that with him too, but realized that it was a mistake. Oppa was what you called your brother, very close older guy friend or boyfriend. And he was none of those, especially the latter.

He flicked his eyes over once again, this time with a cold unfriendly look before going back to his conversation with Dasom and Sunggyu. I noticed how his expression immediately changed to one of playfulness when talking to him, and that really stung. To so blatantly show that you hated a person like that and exclude them like that was seriously hurtful, even if I did try to brush it aside.

He shifted his elbow and a mechanical pencil rolled off the table and dropped onto the ground. I picked it up and trying once again, I slightly leaned over to his shoulder and held the pencil out in front of him. "L-L, is this...yours?" I looked at him, hoping for an answer like 'Oh yeah that's mine, gomawo' or at least say something, but none of that happened.

He peered at it, shrugged and turned away, shifting his shoulder so that I wasn't as close to him. I shrunk back and placed the pencil back on his table dejectedly.

It was his favourite pencil. I remember, but I still tried to act clueless and ask him in hopes of getting him to talk to me. He shrugged at my question. He was willing to pretend that his favourite pencil wasn't his when I was the one asking him. I guess that was how much he hated me.

I was still listening to their conversation, but he turned his body in such a way that he would be away from me, blocking me out with his back. Defeated, I told the two that I was going to catch up on some of the homework that I didn't do. I turned back to my table and stared hard at the surface, forcing the tears that were starting to form away. I gripped my notebook and shut my eyes tightly against the pain.

It was wrong of me to hope so much today. It was wrong of me to approach him and talk to him, thinking that he would answer me or at least acknowledge me. It was wrong of me to think about him and let him run through my thoughts so much. I did all the wrong things today and ended up with my heart thrown onto the ground and stepped and twisted on. It was wrong of me to try.

I don't know what happened to us. We used to be so close, almost inseparable. 

Used to.

Somewhere along the way, things just got out of place and he realized that we actually weren't as compatible as we thought. I guess I should've admitted it sooner as well, instead of just pushing the idea into the back of my mind and pretend like everything's all right.

Maybe if I had done that, we would've been able to patch our little problems up and we would still be going strong now. Maybe it was my fault that I didn't do anything and just let the relationship slowly lose its spark and die. Maybe.

But it's too late now.

I made a huge mistake, and I had to pay for it.

When did I become such a bitter person?

We agreed to still be together as friends.

Those were just words though. He was back to showing his cold exterior, mentally building a wall between me and him; he wouldn't tell me anything or let me in on how he's feeling. The same icy looks like before when we first met.

With each passing day, he'd become colder and colder, putting a wall between us higher and higher.

Every time he ignored me, I'd break a little more inside.

Every time he walked away from me, he'd bring a piece of my heart with him; a piece of happiness.

He never even told me the proper reason as to why he broke up with me. He just wordlessly distanced himself away from me, slowly, until one day he told me that it wasn't working out.

Leaving me.

I wonder if I'll ever get over the void that he had left. I wonder if anything would've been different if I had looked back and changed my actions.

I never knew that just one mere person could destroy my happiness so much like he did. What was love to L then, if it wasn't with me?

Looking ahead, I tried to clear my mind as the teacher came in. This is going to be a long day. Just like every day without L by my side.

Lonely and melancholic.

Hi readers! Thanks for reading my first chapter (: It may be a bit short, but this is actually a prologue so the rest will be much more detailed and explained. I hope you liked it as this is my first fanfic and please read on and give it lots of love! I re-edited this entire chapter now that I had more experience and idea of where my plot was going, versus when I actually started this, haha (: So! Please continue reading this and subscriptions would be very much appreciated and loved! Please go easy on me, because like I said, it's my first fanfic (: Chamsamida!