You always swore you wouldn't leave me, and  my hair. 

But why aren't you by my side?

The warmth of our embrace still lingers in these hands. 

I won't forget.

--

Baekhyun lies in bed, trying to find sleep; ‘trying’ would be the key word here. His consciousness refuses to give up, and he is left with an inactive body that feels frustrating to him, because his mind is prancing in bright and colorful fields of imaginary valleys. In all the almost-incoherent swirls of fantasies that capture his mind every now and then until they fling it to the next one, that sweet tranquility that hosts the way to sleep is nowhere to be found. Baekhyun whines pitifully and turns his heavy body on his back, hoping a switch in his body might be somehow turned off and he will fall asleep quickly in this position.

The silence in the room is unforgiving. If he tries hard enough, he can hear Madam Butterfly playing under the moon in some distant, lonely apartment of this building, but the notes are too faint to his ears to keep him company. His closed eyes sting slightly due to prolonged exposure to computer light earlier, but it’s not the worst sensation his overactive mind has to deal with right now. He doesn’t feel comfortable in his own body and sleep seems to become an all the more distant hope by the second. Baekhyun wonders if this insomnia can change, if things would be any different if he weren’t alone…or if he had drunk some chamomile tea before bed, which could work too.

To pass his idle time, Baekhyun imagines himself as a little angelfish, floating upside down at the bottom of its glass bowl and staring at the quivering water surface. The world must look curious from there. And then there is the cat of the house, with its lustrous honey fur and feline, caramel eyes, circling around his small fishbowl. It wants to make a friend, so it meows and purrs at him. Baekhyun, the angelfish, makes colorful bubbles and the cat watches with eyes wide in enchantment. The evening paints Baekhyun’s scales lavender and the cat curls its tail in the air happily.

Baekhyun rolls on his tummy, leaving his story unfinished. Feeling sleepless and helpless brings a familiar sting of loneliness in his chest. He hugs a pillow to fill the void, but it’s futile; the pillow is not as warm as another body, it doesn’t snuggle him, it can’t comfort him. He wraps his arms and legs around the fluffy material, burying his nose in the covers, curling himself protectively. He blinks in the darkness and sighs, his fingers twitching around empty air. Once, there was a warm hand squeezing back, and then magically, I’d feel safe. Baekhyun shakes his head to rid of that thought; he has no right to wish for such things, he knows it’s impossible to have them again. He was never meant to have them in the first place…And they’d be even more unattainable now in any case, because Chanyeol has practically disappeared. 

Baekhyun is not bitter; he understands the inevitable changes with him and Chanyeol and he accepts them valiantly. It seems so ironic, however, that he feels so isolated and distant from him now, and yet the last memories he has with Chanyeol are so bright; they had established a different sort of normal for themselves and they both seemed so happy…What happened to them?

Baekhyun’s fingers halfheartedly reach for his nightstand, nudging his phone and then fishing it off its perch. It almost drops to the floor on the way but it makes it close enough to his face to blind him completely with its led lights. Baekhyun grimaces and hides behind the pillow with a hurt whimper. Why is he even doing this to himself? He gives himself a few moments to adjust, peeking through his eyelashes. When his vision is clear and his fingers are cooperative enough, he starts typing something simple and small, something to show that he hasn’t forgotten.

‘Chanyeol, are you awake?’

Baekhyun sends the message and then turns around in his tangled sheets, abandoning his pillow buddy and getting comfortable under the covers. The room is not very hot, not very cold, and Baekhyun has left the window open, watching the night air playing with the curtains. But as the minutes tick by in still silence, Baekhyun starts thinking in loops within loops of his mind and he’s feeling cold. He shivers, his stomach performing uneasy maneuvers, and he figures it’s not wise to catch a cold right now, so he rushes to the window, closing it and pulling the curtains. Madame Butterfly sounds muffled now. He runs back to his bed, burying himself in the warmth with determination, until only his nose peeks out. He takes a moment to appreciate the comforting temperature, and then his eyes land on the dark phone he has abandoned beside him. He sighs. He really hopes there will be an answer to his message, but chances are Chanyeol might not answer until tomorrow morning. He should start preparing his thoughts to go to sleep for the nth time tonight and he shouldn’t keep his hopes up. The situation has been like that for a while, after all…

Baekhyun is sure he knows, as of now, what three heart attacks and an aneurism feel like. It all happens simultaneously when his phone’s screen lights up. It actually lights up. And it’s a new message from ‘Yeol^^’.

Sweet mother of Chocolate.

‘Hi Baekhyunnie! Yes, I am not asleep yet’

Baekhyun’s fingers are shaking a little and he gapes at the phone in his hands in disbelief. Is this really happening? You mean, he has a direct link to Chanyeol as we speak?! This feels more surreal than it should. Chanyeol answered his message. He called him ‘Baekhyunnie’. Is it wrong that his heart flutters? No, it’s probably due to excitement. Thank the dear marshmallows, he is not forgotten. Baekhyun squeaks and flinches a little, when the phone buzzes again in his hands with one new message that pops up immediately after. He feels a little guilty, because he didn’t even have time to process the first message properly, let alone plan on an answer in time before receiving the second one. Baekhyun holds his breath while he reads the new message.

‘What are you doing awake at this hour? Shouldn’t you be having pretty dreams right now?’

Baekhyun curiously checks the time for the first time since he went to bed and he feels surprised with himself; how has he managed to stay awake for so long in the welcoming comfort of his bed? He grimaces and feels fresh guilt squirming in his chest; he sent the message on an impulse, but what if Chanyeol was sleeping? He shouldn’t be wasting his precious time off work. Byun Baek you’re an idiot…But a happy idiot. Baekhyun bites his lower lip for fear that his grin will break his face if he lets it loose. Because Chanyeol is being so sweet and considerate to him, and it means the world to Baekhyun after all this time of distance between them; even though it’s not a matter of outright crossing the distance, it’s a small step closer. He swallows a squeal and he kicks his legs awkwardly on the bed, jostling the whole mattress and sending himself into a wiggling, spazzing fit. He bounces happily in place, typing his reply quickly.

‘I couldn’t sleep. What are you doing awake at this hour?’

His phone doesn’t try to go to sleep even once before his bloodshot, sparkly eyes witness the insignia that the message has been read. His eyes open wide in surprise and excitement and he bites the closest pillow; he might look like a person slightly marginal to the mentally sane spectrum right now, but he doesn’t care. All he can think of while Chanyeol types his answer is, please, let him not answer that he was sleeping before Baekhyun’s uninvited interruption.

‘I just came home from a business meeting’

He sighs in relief, sinking further into his bundle of bed linen. He rereads the message and turns on his back, effectively creating an enormous cinnamon roll of himself and the soft covers. He pouts at his phone, feeling a wee bit –or a lot– of his motherly side nagging at him; he wants to scold Chanyeol for working so hard and sleeping so little. Stress, lack of sleep and malnutrition are bound to send him to the hospital soon. He shouldn’t let bad habits sneak into his life with no one to protect him from them. Thinking of Chanyeol still in his office suit, with dark circles under his eyes and sitting alone in his cold apartment, doesn’t help Baekhyun’s worries concerning the giant’s health. But he bottles everything in, because it’s not every day he gets this chance to talk to Chanyeol and he doesn’t want to nag.

‘Did it go well?’

He types instead, slanting his lips and thinking of ways to hint at Chanyeol his concern about his health, or maybe slip some advice in there somewhere. Maybe he could bribe Kai and give him specific instructions to follow step by step; he will name his manual ‘How to look after a Park Chanyeol’. He’d much rather he enforced it himself but…he can’t, probably not, that would be- no. As he waits for the reply, he realizes that his question was not just to fill in a blank in the conversation; he actually cares. He wants to know how Chanyeol’s day has been, if his meeting was tiring, what he ate for lunch, how many times he smiled and how many times he felt sad. Baekhyun ponders at that, but he can’t understand himself very well this time.

‘So and so. I’ not very happy about it’

Baekhyun’s immediate pout goes to show how much he cares about something he never thought he’d care about. It’s strange, but he feels a little upset and disappointed that Chanyeol’s day didn’t work out the way he had planned.

‘I’m sorry to hear that’

He sends and then he starts debating with himself impossible scenarios of exchanging good moments of his day for bad moments of Chanyeol’s day so that they could both have a balance and suffer the same. Can someone store good luck, or good karma points, and then exchange them, or gift them? How can you make someone happy with the bare minimal means of communication with them and without seeming too weirdly…romantic? Is it possible to send happiness? Like, if you wish for it really really hard and pray to puppies? Baekhyun flinches when his phone buzzes, having almost forgotten he had been holding it in the first place.

‘Don’t be sorry, Baekhyun. Please be happier than I am’

The message brings a small quirk of a smile on his lips and another of confusion on his brow. Chanyeol’s words ought to convey concern or maybe a tinge of fondness, and that should make Baekhyun happy, but it feels different. Baekhyun feels oddly shut out, as if Chanyeol is keeping him away with those few simple words, but he can’t feel angry, or baffled, because he feels sad…on Chanyeol’s behalf. Something in his phrasing hits right at Baekhyun’s heart like an invisible arrow and Baekhyun suddenly gets this bizarre yet certain feeling that Chanyeol is unhappy. It makes him so uncomfortable and distressed that he shifts under the covers restlessly. He presses his lips, trying to think of something to say, but Chanyeol beats him to it with another message.

‘So, how was your day?’

It’s not what Baekhyun had been expecting to receive next, but he welcomes the chance to forget his anxiousness; he even stops shifting and messing up his covers, falling limp across his mattress. Maybe Chanyeol sensed the same odd emotional tension in their conversation and decided to change the topic to something easier. Baekhyun is grateful for his considerate gesture and he feels a little flattered too, due to Chanyeol’s interest. So, he plays along easily.

‘Meh, the usual. I don’t lead a particularly adventurous life, you know’

He giggles to himself, thinking back to his simple day, consisting of his routine morning jog in the park –which is routine only when he has free time on some sunny mornings– and then cooking brunch for himself –trying new recipes he jots down from here and there, with high nutritional value– and then deciding to surprise Kyungsoo with a visit, which was part to get some work done, part to spend quality time with his friend and part to forget his loneliness, drowning his worries in Kyungsoo’s strawberry mille-feuille. Kyungsoo makes a killer strawberry mille-feuille –he has a special way of making high-quality, hand-whipped pastry creams with the force of the lethal passion he hides inside his squishy exterior.

In the midst of his dreaming about desserts, Baekhyun realizes that Chanyeol hasn’t answered in a while. His message has been read but there has been no response since. Chanyeol could have been distracted by something else, or might have had some unexpected important matters to attend to, but in all probability he’s falling asleep. Baekhyun feels the familiar tingle of disappointment for yet another unceremoniously abandoned conversation. For some reason, he catches himself wishing once again that he was there when Chanyeol is close to dozing off, to save the day and be his pillow –in another not-entirely-normal moment, as always– and then run his fingers through the giant’s honey hair, thinking he’s so cute when his face turns flushed and serious in his sleep.

But he couldn’t possibly do that, so he starts the familiar one-sided epilogue to the inevitable goodnight which Chanyeol will see tomorrow morning. Baekhyun types with a sniff which he won’t admit was sad, and with slow blinks of his tired eyes. His head is half hidden under a pillow by now and one of his legs is helplessly exposed to the cold of his room.

‘Are you tired? Should I let you sleep in peace?’

‘NO’

Baekhyun’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead when the reply comes, and he is sure he is surprised, but he’s not so sure about what. Maybe it’s because he hadn’t been expecting an answer, maybe it’s because the answer was the most immediate he has received in a while, maybe because it’s so abrupt, so short, or in capitals. Maybe all of the above. Chanyeol uses his moments of shock to send him another message.

‘I mean, please don’t. It’s so nice to have the chance to talk with you. It’s helping me feel better’

He smiles without realizing, when he reads Chanyeol’s awkward explanation. It’s very much like him: awkward but cute and sweet in the same time. It’s a unique combination, which pulls at Baekhyun’s heartstrings and makes his brain coo and squeal. Besides that, he feels special through Chanyeol’s words, and he’s happy to be of assistance. He types again; it’s not like he would willingly abandon this rare chance to talk to Chanyeol after the latter’s latest message, his head is not completely dense, thank you.

‘Okay then^^ That’s what friends are for’

Baekhyun smiles at his sent message, deciding it sounds encouraging and cheerful enough, but his smile is also slightly sad. Yes, friends make you feel better, but nowadays they hardly ever talk, because Chanyeol is cold out from exhaustion every night and Baekhyun doesn’t want to bother him. There was a time when they exchanged messages every other night until the latest hours, talking about everything and anything, hoping they would find some time to meet in person soon. These days even when they talk, it is very basic conversation, very brief and general, silently hoping they will manage to get in synch again sometime soon and exchange messages properly, like they used to –like it’s happening now against all odds.

‘I’m sorry we hardly ever talk. I know it’s my fault’

He blinks confusedly; it’s as if Chanyeol could read his thoughts just now. He quickly revises his own message, but he still doesn’t understand how this apology came about. Baekhyun wouldn’t even complain, or ask for an apology, or hold it against him; he understands. Besides, Chanyeol never leaves Baekhyun’s messages completely unanswered; if he is already sleeping, he answers them in the morning, and he lets him know that he is okay, apologizing in every way he knows for not seeing the message last night. But it can’t be his fault really, if it’s beyond his control.

‘I’m too busy lately; so busy that I can’t even call, even though I want to. You’re my dear friend and I am neglecting you, and I’m horrible, and I’m sorry. But I have no choice”

Baekhyun gives his phone a sad pout. Chanyeol is always apologizing for a million things; but that is not what Baekhyun wants to hear. He wants to remember how warm and safe it felt when he was talking with his friend, how Chanyeol made him laugh with his weirdness and how Baekhyun loved to see those small notifications that he has one new message from him, no matter what Chanyeol had written. He wants to remember just how loud Chanyeol’s laughter is, how he blinks in the cutest way when he is surprised and how Baekhyun can fit his fingers just right between Chanyeol’s, even though his hands are smaller. His room feels too empty nowadays, especially after their vacation, and the bed feels too cold when he wakes up in the morning. But Baekhyun doesn’t want to expect too much from Chanyeol or impose on him; Chanyeol’s life must be tiring in ways Baekhyun can’t even imagine, so he never says anything about all the things he is missing from Chanyeol. Honestly, much as it might hurt him, he understands.

‘What sort of friend would I be if I didn’t understand that? It’s okay, really. Knowing you are fine is more than enough. Have you been eating well?’

Baekhyun changes the subject, afraid of his own limits. He doesn’t know how far he can go, talking about this distance between them without starting to cry. If they did, he would need to be more encouraging than he can handle when he’s hurting. He lets other worries take over instead, thinking of Chanyeol’s health again. Why can’t he demand proof that Chanyeol has been eating well? Why can’t he be there when Chanyeol goes to sleep and when he wakes up in the morning to make sure he gets enough rest? Why does he keep stumbling on lines drawn by society to mark the ones that cross them as abnormal?

‘Well yes, more or less…Kai is worse than my mom these days, always checking on me to make sure I eat and rest regularly >.< Oh and that reminds me: thank you for the cookies! It was a while ago, but I loved them! I had something prepared for you too, but the plans kind of fell through…just my luck -_-’

Baekhyun appreciates Chanyeol’s lengthy and eager reply, drinking in every word of it, and he smiles at the mention of cookies; he assigned Kai with the task of delivering them, because it is not like Baekhyun can walk in Chanyeol’s office and be like ‘here, I made some cookies for you’. For a million obvious reasons. He had to bribe Kai with more cookies –which was probably Kyungsoo’s suggestion and tribute– but he’s still very grateful to Kai, because he is the only person who has regular contact with both Chanyeol and Baekhyun these days, so he is the only source of news concerning Chanyeol. Kyungsoo is constantly telling his boyfriend –because that’s what Kai is, no matter what Kyungsoo says for him– to keep an eye on Chanyeol and make sure he doesn’t get sick, like a worried mother; but he’s nowhere near the masterfully concealed level of fretting about Chanyeol that goes on in Baekhyun’s head.

They’re all thinking of Chanyeol, even if they cannot see him. Even Chen asked about him the other day. Sehun meets with Luhan sometimes as well, bringing some vague –and carefully selected, Baekhyun suspects– information, but Sehun is generally like an onion; you have to peal and peal until you find what you are looking for, so he is not a good informant. Baekhyun snaps out of his reverie, realizing he hasn’t answered yet. A playful smile appears on his lips.

‘Hey Mr. Park! Whoever said anything about giving me something in return for the cookies?!’

He giggles to himself and, seeing how wrecked his bedspread looks, he tries to smooth it out in some places, but he gives up quickly. While he waits for an answer, he can’t help but wonder what Chanyeol might had planned for him. He gives that up quickly too, however, because he realizes there is no safe path to tread on this speculative trajectory that gets more sentimental with every thought. What is he thinking?! He can’t even be thinking about that stuff, no, what right does he have, he’s just a friend, yeah, Baekhyun is not even made for Chanyeol’s standards, why would Chanyeol make any romantic gesture, or even hint something sweet at him, of all people, that would be awkward, and highly improbable, not that Baekhyun wanted something like that, and he’s being self-absorbed and silly right now, and why doesn’t this thought stop after all the sorts of ‘what?!’ that he has exclaimed in his head. Baekhyun clenches his teeth, terrified with himself.

‘I should though…’

Chanyeol, decidedly, is not helping. Cue Baekhyun’s strangled shrimp-style flailing on his bed. He buries his face in the nearest pillow and wails, and then proceeds to turn on his tummy and start hitting his head rhythmically against the pillow in agony. What. Am I. Supposed. To say. What. What. Dizzy. What. And suddenly, an idea mercifully flashes in his head and he holds his phone close to his nose to type, not caring about his tussled hair and red face.

‘You really shouldn’t. Or maybe…buy me lunch when you have time? I haven’t eaten spaghetti in a while~’

He really hopes he’s not being too obvious. He might feel forgotten and deprived of his friend, but Baekhyun doesn’t want to make Chanyeol feel guilty or uncomfortable. He also wouldn’t want to impose on him. It’s not like Chanyeol has to take him out or buy him food. Just seeing him would be okay really, if anything at all. Maybe just a simple ‘hi, how are you?’ over the phone would be enough too, now that he thinks about it. He just wants to make sure the taller is fine, help him if he can, and maybe sneak a glimpse of the face he has missed so much. It would be great if he could see a smile or get a small hug. None of that sounds like the favors people usually ask for in return, but well…Baekhyun is not used to asking for things in return. He enjoys being generous, especially to people who are important to him. And what if Chanyeol gets the wrong idea from his proposition? He bites his lip, rethinking his suggestion, which might have not been as genius as he thought at first, after all. Excuse him, but not every idea that flashes in his head is brilliantly inspired, especially if it pops up after a session of repeatedly shoving his face in his pillow. But Chanyeol’s answer relieves him greatly when it comes, and he smiles again.

‘Why are you such an amazing person? Yes! Yes, of course we’ll go for Italian. I’ve missed seeing you struggling with spaghetti too kkk’

‘Meanie >.< I wouldn’t be struggling with it if we practiced more often!’

Baekhyun chuckles, feeling his heart a little lighter after teasing Chanyeol. It reminds him of their good times. Ah, and those times they had Italian spaghetti together; he really did struggle with his food, didn’t he? Baekhyun giggles and turns on his side, spacing out. Chanyeol was always so helpful, smiling brilliantly at him and patiently teaching him how to scoop up the pasta, complimenting him cutely when he got it right and wrapping his warm hands around his to fix his hold on the utensils from time to time…Baekhyun can’t think of anyone else he could have shared this experience with. Some people are simply irreplaceable –perhaps in more than one occasion. He pouts when he realizes the answer takes too long to come, and he starts worrying that he went too far and maybe he made Chanyeol feel uncomfortable. His fingers type of their own accord, trying to write something that will sound nonchalant.

‘Hey, I’m only joking! I wouldn’t blame you for it anyway. And I understand that you don’t have that much time’

‘Baekhyun…’

His heart jumps a little when the message comes and it keeps beating loudly, no matter his mental efforts to calm it. He gets the feeling Chanyeol is being serious, perhaps even frowning on the other side. He doesn’t know why reading his name as a message makes him feel so focused all of a sudden, or so anxious. He doesn’t know what to make of it either, but he guesses Chanyeol will elaborate eventually, so he waits patiently. Whatever Chanyeol wants to say is important. Chanyeol is important to Baekhyun.

‘I really hope this will be over soon. I’m trying very hard to make things better. And when it’s over, I promise it will be like before, like the way we were’

“That’s what you wanted to say?” Baekhyun mumbles softly, touching the words on the screen. Chanyeol could have said anything, he could have asked for anything, and yet he chose his words to reassure Baekhyun. Even after all this time apart, Chanyeol still has a way to read Baekhyun’s mind and make him feel even a little safer. Baekhyun has a feeling he can’t ask for much more than that.

‘I am looking forward to that time’

Oh, how Baekhyun looks forward to that time…He wants Chanyeol back. He wants more of their not-entirely-normal moments, he wants to see how many more sides of Chanyeol he can discover and how many more sides of himself he can reveal. He wants to figure out every single occasion that Chanyeol will be irreplaceable to him.

‘Me too...’

And one heartbeat later,

‘I miss you, Baek’

Baekhyun bites his lips to hold back tears that suddenly prickle behind his eyes. It’s a couple of very simple, very unimpressive, very ordinary words, without anything remarkable, and yet…It feels like they pierce right through Baekhyun’s chest, making him breathe heavy and sniff a little. He wipes his face against the pillow very unsuccessfully, managing to make his cheeks bright red. And now he’s like a blushing strawberry in the middle of a crème tart made of bed linen.

‘I miss you too, Yeol’

“More than you know” he whispers in the darkness, feeling his hear flutter sadly in his chest. But he also feels a little relieved after saying it. This sort of honest exchange is refreshing after many short conversations where Baekhyun felt like he had to keep his unhappy feelings in check and show his more understanding, supportive and resilient sides instead. He feels like, besides all that, there are a few things he needs to say to Chanyeol, things that he didn’t have the chance to say before, and some more things that he doesn’t think he knows yet.

--

“Stop, stop, we’re in public!” he whispers urgently in protest, swatting a prying hand away in his frustrated condition.

“Soo, I’m not doing anything wrong” Kai mumbles, his swollen lips pouting in disappointment. Kyungsoo lowers his chin and throws him a strict glare.

“You’re eating popcorn loudly!” he yells in a whisper, throwing his arms in the air. Every crunch and pop is playing with Kyungsoo’s patience strings, and his temper today is not at its best to begin with –blame it on the Mercury retrograde, it can happen to anyone. Kai has been munching on the popcorn using too much force with his teeth and creating too much noise for a while now, and that’s wrong in Kyungsoo’s opinion, because it’s really annoying for the innocent people around, who are trying to watch the movie in peace. Sure, the two are sitting in Kai’s car and they’re the only ones in it, but the night is silent and the other couples in cars might find the muted noise unnerving. Most cars have their windows rolled down anyway, so that they can hear the dialogues and soundtrack of the movie clearly, and Kyungsoo knows for a fact that something louder than a whisper can be heard a few cars over; that’s how he knows that the car on their right contains a married couple and the one on their left contains two youngsters and another somewhere around them is shaking and creaking due to suspicious activities. Kyungsoo is not even that famous for his hearing.

“I’m not; it’s just too quiet around” Kai defends, opening his eyes wide and blinking innocently to convince the jury. His expression looks strange in the harsh contrast of dim lighting and shadows from the movie playing on the open-air cinema screen, but damn, those perfect angles are still impressively discernable. But if Kyungsoo had to guess, Kai looks a little confused right now, his eyebrow quirking and his eyes squinting. “And how is that socially unacceptable behavior?”

Kyungsoo pauses. Some people might find food noises annoying, but to be fair, it’s not like you can eat popcorn without producing any sound at all. And Kyungsoo didn’t really mind it; for him it was bothersome in the same way the ticking of the clock or the dripping of the faucet gets sometimes. Is he being absurd? Is he overreacting? It wouldn’t be impossible, what with the stress he’s been feeling lately, for work, for Baekhyun and Chanyeol, for his relationship with Kai that seems to be getting closer and closer to a hair’s breadth away from something more serious than Kyungsoo would like to admit –or he would be able to admit without a panic attack. Life has a way of keeping you on your toes even without the big drama situations.

He sighs thoughtfully. They have come to this place for a date, and the setting is very romantic and relaxing. The night is smooth and bright around them, filled with the soundtrack of the old Hollywood film. The light reflects on the cinema screen and floods the space around them, illuminating small flying specks on the paths around the parked cars. Kyungsoo wouldn’t have guessed there would be so many people interested in having such an old-fashioned, romantic date. The feeling is nice though. Kyungsoo feels calm and safe inside the privacy of Kai’s car, he’s comfortable and warm, the movie is enjoyable and he can hold Kai’s hand without fretting about other people seeing them. Okay, who are we kidding, this is exactly the sappy stuff that Kyungsoo falls for, because he has a marshmallow soul with a soft spot for cliché romance. His heart smiles upon remembering that Kai kept this date destination a secret, as if he could sense that Kyungsoo would like it. It’s a limited availability one-time screening too; Kai must have strived for those tickets.

“Maybe it isn’t?” Kyungsoo ends up admitting, shrinking in his seat. He feels a little guilty for being so unnecessarily strict on Kai and lashing out on him. “Baekhyun was like a quiet, shy bunny earlier, you’re too much in comparison” he explains apologetically. Maybe after spending the afternoon with Baekhyun hunched over his laptop in his adorably large clothes, he got used to an easygoing, quiet ambiance and now he’s judging too hard. Kai nods in understanding, not minding Kyungsoo’s scolding. Maybe he’s used to it by now –which would be a relief, because Kyungsoo can’t control his scolding rants most of the time.

“Is he okay? Did you make him dinner?” he asks instead, picking up more popcorn and making a discreet effort to eat it less noisily. Kyungsoo feels another tug of guilt in his stomach. He focuses on Kai’s question to distract himself from the feeling and he absentmindedly picks some popcorn for himself.

“I didn’t have time for that, but I fed him some snacks before he left” he says, eyes wide like hypnotized and watching the movie. There is only a small part at the back of his mind that reminds him how Baekhyun claimed all the chocolate cookies for himself and mumbled something like ‘pwinghehh’ while having one between his lips. Kyungsoo didn’t ask him about it, since Baekhyun didn’t even seem to realize he had said it, focused as he was on his computer, but maybe Baekhyun had a sudden crave for cookies, who knows? Another part of Kyungsoo’s brain registers that Kai has his side in his seat to look at him, so he returns the look.

“Soo, snacks are not enough food and they’re not healthy” he accuses with a frown between his eyebrows. Kyungsoo returns the glare this time, raising one eyebrow.

“Baekhyun eats fruit and vegetables like it’s a sport, I’d think his organism can take a few more carbons” he bites back. He knows his friend well, and he has been to his house, where you can find fruit or vegetables more reliantly than you can find rice or bread. Baekhyun has the healthiest eating habits Kyungsoo has ever seen, even when keeping in mind his love for chocolate and sweets. The man has amazing self-restraint and prudence when it comes to food. Kai huffs but accepts the answer, leaning back in his seat. “How about Chanyeol?” is his next question. They turn their attention to the movie again.

“I ordered a lunchbox for him and I made sure there was enough food in the fridge for the week. I also did his laundry; he owes me big time for that” Kai sulks endearingly and Kyungsoo scoffs a little, entertained, thinking of Kai’s distaste for house chores. The man can’t clean his own house without complaining about it for three days, let alone volunteering to do someone else’s laundry. Kai and Chanyeol are beyond best friends after so many years. Kyungsoo is about to comment that, speaking of clothes, he needs to buy Baekhyun a warmer scarf, because he keeps wearing his favorite blue one, but some days are really cold and-

It hits him. What are they doing? Why on earth are they doing this again?! They always exchange information on their friends when they get together lately, asking about them and giving advice to take better care of them and sharing small incidents of their everyday life with them. If Kyungsoo relays infallibly all that information to Baekhyun, then he bets Kai does the same with Chanyeol. It’s not exactly spying, but they are the primary source of information between the two sides. Plus, Kyungsoo’s ‘mother hen’ nature is exploding. They’re not doing it only because of their friends’ pestering and brooding, it’s mostly because of their own concern.

“Oh god, why do we sound like concerned parents so much?” he whines pitifully, squirming in his seat as if trying to shake it out of him, but that’s highly unlikely. Having that kind of worries for your best friend is creepy; like, creepier than the creepiest American horror story episode you have ever watched –and which Kyungsoo will never admit to be watching fanatically. It can’t be normal. And what might happen, when and if their two best friends go on a date?! Kyungsoo feels like he is jumping the gun a little too much, but what if.  Kyungsoo might physically self-combust then!

“It’s okay” Kai chuckles and Kyungsoo gives him a concerned look with the corner of his eyes. Kai sneaks his hand to lace their fingers together, anchoring him and soothing his worries. Yes, it’s okay; Kai won’t let him focus too much on their friends, he will make sure to keep him more interested in their own relationship, away from spontaneous combustion scenarios. Kyungsoo breathes in and out until he finds a normal pace again, and the silence between them is filled with orchestral music. “Kyungsoo…” Kai calls hesitantly then, and Kyungsoo’s ears perk with interest, even though his eyes are still focused on the movie and his mind is absently focused on defining the boundaries to his nagging.

The silence that follows stretches a little more than usual and Kyungsoo at some point realizes that Kai just called him with his full name and not with his nickname. That rarely happens. It means Kai is serious, or that he has something important to say, in contrast to his usual playful remarks. The minutes tick by, and instead of paying attention to the perfectly executed choreography and the swirls of Ginger Rogers’ dress on screen, Kyungsoo is more concerned about the stare he can feel on his profile like a constant poke. It’s like Kai is trying to will something through Kyungsoo’s scull by staring at it, but we all know it doesn’t work that way.

Kyungsoo is pretty sure after seven minutes of silent staring that it’s not just his imagination. He counts to fifty in his head, but even that time doesn’t seem to be enough for Kai to say out loud what is on his mind. So, Kyungsoo turns on the side and stares back. They just stare. And stare. They’re a weird couple sometimes, but it usually doesn’t get this weird. Kyungsoo gives Kai a questioning look at last. Kai keeps staring mutely, as if his voice is drowning in things he’d like to say, and his eyes are so guarded and concerned, a look he have been sporting for a while now. And in a blink it’s gone, deliberately and thoroughly wiped away, a soft look overtaking his features and leaving Kyungsoo confused as ever.

“I love you” Kai ends up saying and Kyungsoo blushes to the tips of his ears, the whispered words sounding much more intimate after the tense silence in the car. He knows that’s not what Kai would have said originally, but it’s a good deflection and Kyungsoo can’t ignore it.

“Where did that come from this time?” Kyungsoo grumbles and tries to hide his fluster by grabbing the popcorn and stuffing his mouth with it unattractively.

--

“Is that the boy that has a secret crush on Baekhyun?” Chen asks curiously in a semi-hushed voice, so that Baekhyun won’t hear him a few steps away. He blindly adjusts his coat on the back of his chair –in truth he is using that as an excuse to shift around in his seat and get a better look, which he otherwise doesn’t care to hide much, even though it’s indiscrete. He keeps his sharp eyes glued to the young boy behind the counter, his eyebrows raised dramatically with tremendous interest, and Kyungsoo moves in his chair a little to get a better view as well. They sent Baekhyun to the counter all alone to order for all just for the show, after all.

So, this is supposed to be top-secret information, which they got from Oh Sehun himself, and which they most definitely don’t have any qualms to take advantage of. The newest addition to the stuff at their usual coffee spot is Doyoon, a young boy with expressive eyes and a friendly, easygoing vibe. He is a university student like Sehun, and he is majoring in something that requires a lot of studying; Sehun’s guess was naval architecture and aeronautical engineering, whatever that means. Kyungsoo wonders what happened to good old teachers and veterinarians and basketball players; kids study all sorts of weird stuff these days. Anyway, after Sehun introduced them to the new kid about two weeks ago, it soon became apparent who the new kid was staring at most intently –even though Sehun said that the boy had tried some moves on Boomi first, the young girl who works with them, so everyone had assumed he was straight. And maybe he is; maybe it’s just Baekhyun who attracts every living thing, be it male or female. Oh, and guess who found himself being the object of a new puppy crush. Yeah.

“Secret?” Kyungsoo scoffs incredulously at Chen’s question “Do you have eyes, young lad?” he quirks an eyebrow and uses his own eyes to witness the exchange between Baekhyun and Doyoon. Kyungsoo has seen similar exchanges before, but the show never disappoints.

The young boy panics a little when he sees Baekhyun, his eyes widening and his cheeks tinting red. He gets suddenly very busy, trying to smooth out his apron and fix his hair before Baekhyun arrives in front of him. The flustered boy smiles and greets Baekhyun with an awkward bow and a ‘hi Baekhyun hyung!’ that can be heard from the door, in all its excited, eager, I’m-so-head-over-heels-for-you-right-now glory. Kyungsoo giggles, and so does Chen, and so does Baekhyun, and so does everyone within hearing range, most probably. The boy pinks and lowers his eyes bashfully, receiving Baekhyun’s friendly greeting. Kyungsoo can see only Baekhyun’s fantastic backside, so he doesn’t know what the latter tells the boy, but soon Doyoon is back to his cheerful, smitten self, and he takes Baekhyun’s order with utmost care. He smiles a lot at Baekhyun and his eyes are heart shaped by now, completely fascinated with everything and anything that comes out of Baekhyun’s mouth. Baekhyun lingers for the polite chat, since they are not complete strangers, and the only reason that conversation survives is probably because Baekhyun is good with kindheartedly putting people out of their misery and Doyoon is overly excited, as if he has won a lifetime free pass to Disneyland. Doyoon says something that makes Baekhyun laugh a little and the boy stares in awe, as if he can’t believe he just did that or that something as sparkling as Baekhyun’s eye-smile exists, and then he basically swoons and almost faints on the counter.

By this point, Chen and Kyungsoo are squeezing each other’s hands and shaking each other to let out some tension like they’re crazy. Kyungsoo kicks the air under the table and turns his head to the side to let out a breathless cackle, and Chen makes a strangled noise like a whale. They have started turning red from all the laughter they are very unsuccessfully trying to stifle, but they don’t regret it. Sending Baekhyun to order was a great idea to serve as today’s entertainment.

“True.” Chen breathes out in a slightly pitched tone, breathing measured to return to normal. That’s when Doyoon turns away from the counter briefly, and Baekhyun turns around for that moment to give his friends a lethal puppy glare before turning to the front again. Of course he knows all too well what is happening behind his back and you can bet he will lecture them about playing with other people’s feelings later, but he still went to order, because he’s too nice for his own good. “Owp, I think we caught us staring~” Chen sing-songs, jolting a little in his seat but showing no signs of shame for his actions.

“It wouldn’t be the first time” Kyungsoo reminds Chen, gradually finding his own breath. Chen gives him a look of confirmation; it’s not unusual for them to stare at Baekhyun no matter what he does, let alone when he is being exceptionally cute or conversing with interesting people. “Besides, he knows. The boy is all over him, how could he not?” Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulders because it’s glaringly obvious that the boy likes Baekhyun. He becomes a blushing, stuttering mess when Baekhyun is near, he is always available and eager to help Baekhyun with anything, he even spaces out dreamily while simply staring at Baekhyun. When they were planning a children’s party the other day, he was on waiting duty, and he carried all the books for Baekhyun, he helped him in and out of his coat, and he was so attentive in general that Kyungsoo thinks some girls in the café got jealous.

“And he is younger than Sehun?” Chen raises his eyebrows incredulously, crossing his arms on his chest and giving the boy behind the counter the once over. He doesn’t look particularly older or younger than his age, but Baekhyun can look very young for his age at times, so no wonder the boy has a crush on him despite the age difference.

“Only by a year” Sehun says, informing them of his presence for the first time since they got in and he greeted them. He has been standing next to Chen’s chair for who knows how long, staring in the same direction the two others have been staring. Kyungsoo gives Sehun a weird look, realizing his ghost abilities, but Chen doesn’t seem to mind Sehun’s input or his unexpected appearance, and he simply hums thoughtfully.

“He’s cute.” he decides. Kyungsoo will agree that the boy looks very cute when he smiles at Baekhyun shyly, like he is doing now, or when he fanboys over Baekhyun, whenever he thinks the object of his affection is not looking. Baekhyun learns every detail of those fanboying sessions through Kyungsoo’s descriptions of course, and he finds them entertaining, even though he chides Kyungsoo for embarrassing the young boy. “What does Baekhyun think?” Chen asks, glancing at Kyungsoo and Sehun with his inquiry.

“Uh, he doesn’t.” Sehun answers, a frown appearing between his eyebrows. “Doyoon asked me to ask hyung if it’d be okay to ask him out officially, and Baekhyun hyung laughed till he teared up –which would be impressive for his current standards, had it not been that particular situation in the middle. What was I supposed to do? I told Doyoon maybe it’s okay and that he should figure it out for himself. Why do people put me in the middle, do I strike you as the man fittest for the job? At least Baekhyun hyung declined politely when I asked him the same thing on behalf of Boomi noona, when she used to have a crush on him; I could clearly tell her then, but this time I didn’t know what to say!” Sehun throws his arms in the air after his exasperated rant, but he deflates abruptly when he realizes what he just said, and he defaults to his poker face. “Oh sunflowers, don’t tell her I called her noona” And with that, he leaves –and here Kyungsoo thought he’d apologize for giving away the young girl’s secret…

“So, I’m just going to throw this out there” Chen says decisively with a thoughtful slant of his lips and a sigh “Are we sure Baekhyun likes guys?”

“I haven’t asked him, to be honest” Kyungsoo realizes that he has never asked that question to Baekhyun, because he never really felt like he had to, and then he shrugs his shoulders. “You’ve known him longer, right?” Chen rolls his eyes at that and gives Kyungsoo a pointed look.

“Baekhyun is nice to everyone, there is no way I could ever tell. And he admires everything worth admiring, no matter the gender or even the species” Kyungsoo has no choice but to agree, since he has seen Baekhyun for himself admiring a picture of Miranda Kerr in one moment then gushing over the picture of a bunny the next. Chen laces his fingers on the table with a sudden aura of professionalism. “Should we ask him then?”

“What?” Kyungsoo laughs openly and waits for Chen to laugh along, but what do you know, that maybe wasn’t a joke, because Chen is not laughing, he is looking at him as if he is seriously contemplating the option of straightforwardly asking their innocent, sweetest best friend about his bedroomal orientation. Kyungsoo chokes and his eyes open wide. “Are you serious? No!” he objects fervently, flailing his arms “Why would we?! And…maybe he likes both, who knows; but he cannot not like guys at all! I mean, what would that make Park Chanyeol?” he points out. Chen looks at him with ironically raised eyebrows and hooded eyes.

“Lucky?”

Kyungsoo takes a breath to answer but nothing comes out. Touché.

“What have my pretty fennecs been talking about?” Baekhyun’s cheerful voice is accompanied by his presence out of the blue, sending a shock of dread down Kyungsoo’s spine for an undefined reason. Kyungsoo watches as Baekhyun sits his pretty rear on a chair and smiles at them angelically, looking very harmless and lovable, with his fluffy, ruffled hair and his baby blue button shirt that makes his eyes stand out more; but he called them fennecs. It’s an endearment, but it’s suspicious.

“Nothing really” Chen is the one to brave the answer, fixing his sleeve cuffs casually and smiling a little. Baekhyun drops the smile and replaces it with an expression that seems so done with life –or with his friends.

“Well, your ‘nothing’ seemed very embarrassing” he deadpans and then clicks his tongue disapprovingly “Even Doyoon noticed and he turned crimson; pity the child, please” It’s so much like Baekhyun to worry about other people’s feelings more than his own pride; it’s probably part of the reason why he’s a better human than all of them.

“Here is your order, hyungs” Sehun leaves the huge amount of ice cream for three in the middle of the table and Kyungsoo takes a heartbeat to admire this moment; for one thing, this ice cream is very prettily decorated and for another, Sehun spoke clearly. Kyungsoo had almost given up on the kid, thinking he would never be able to speak properly the human language...miracles can happen after all. And now that he thinks about it, this is not the first time Sehun has found the way to the right consonants. He can’t help but wonder how this change came about…

“Ah, we haven’t done this in so long” Baekhyun chants excitedly, picking up a spoon, and Kyungsoo smiles. Baekhyun seems to have forgotten his lecture about people’s feelings for now, his mood brightened in the sight of ice cream. Kyungsoo feels excitement over a coffee date with Baekhyun and Chen too, because this feels nice indeed, very comfortable and carefree, in stark contrast to their everyday lives, which have somehow tangled recently and they’re full of obligations. Oh god, when did they grow up so much? “This is going straight on my hips though” Baekhyun mumbles thoughtfully and presses his lips in a slanted line on his face, looking cute.

“Your hips are fine, just eat” Chen reassures him with a dramatic roll of his eyes. Kyungsoo nods encouragingly; there is no room for guilt when you stand before this miracle of patisserie. And Chen is right, Baekhyun’s hips are fine, just the right amount of curvy for a guy –you should have seen him when Kyungsoo first met him in university…

“You’re too skinny to speak” Baekhyun retorts playfully and sticks his tongue out at Chen, who smirks guiltily behind his spoon. Chen is on the skinny side, but he is in the fashion industry, so it makes sense, sort of…If Kyungsoo was to worry about his body parts, he would be worried about his stomach; you know, there is this small squishy area of flesh there and it won’t go away no matter how many morning crunches he does. Kyungsoo has never been fat –his cheeks might be puffy since childhood, but he is not fat– and he was never the one to fret too much over such things but, it tends to happen, when your boyfriend is ripped, looking like a ancient roman statue!

Wait, did he just say boyfriend?

What? No, oh, ahahahaha, he didn’t mean it.

Okay, he did.

But no one can know about it.

It’s not like he is avoiding the truth of his relationship with Kai –like Baekhyun has implied in the past– it’s just that…he doesn’t feel like he has to admit it. He knows and accepts the truth –how could he not, when he spends every other night at Kai’s place?– but he doesn’t like saying it out loud. Scratch that, he doesn’t need to say it out loud for three reasons: Firstly, Kai is his boyfriend and, if he says that out loud, half the female population of Seoul will demand Kyungsoo’s head on a platter. Secondly, Kai is his boyfriend but, if they become official to the world, Kyungsoo doesn’t know which screws might turn the wrong way in his head. Thirdly, Kai is his boyfriend and he makes sure to tell everyone or show them, so there is no need for Kyungsoo to spread the news any further. So, when anyone asks, Kyungsoo deflects the subject and moves on, anything as long as he doesn’t have to admit that he is Kai’s boyfriend.

“So, I have very interesting news for you people, but I think you will be shocked as hamsters afterwards so, let’s start with your news first” Chen announces, shifting giddily in his chair.

“Can I go first?” Baekhyun suggests hesitantly, holding up his spoon. “Since I don’t have much news in the first place…” He doesn’t look too excited, or all that cheerful as he says it, his shoulders deflating, even though he tries to keep a small smile on his lips. Chen and Kyungsoo exchange a knowing look above their frozen smiles.

“Permission granted” Chen says with commendable cheerfulness, to lift up their friend’s spirits, but Baekhyun sighs under his breath all the same. Kyungsoo bites the inside of his lips irritably. What is Park Chanyeol doing, leaving Baekhyun alone when he’s like this?

“I exchanged a few messages with Chanyeol last night” Baekhyun says quietly, and Kyungsoo can see the effort he makes to sound casual instead of hurt or disappointed. It makes Kyungsoo frown. Baekhyun used to be a tangled thread of sunbeams, but nowadays he is so dull. He doesn’t show it most of the time; he suffers silently and acts as he can best around others, but Kyungsoo knows how bad he must be feeling, because Chanyeol is pulling away. It has been like this since they came back from vacation and it gets worse every day. What is Chanyeol thinking, hurting Baekhyun like that? Kyungsoo would really like to know, but chiding Kai about his best friend’s behavior doesn’t give him any answers.

“That’s great news!” Chen encourages him with a small nudge that fishes a dim smile out of Baekhyun’s lips. Kyungsoo would join in on the support party, but he’s too thoughtful and too irritated by the situation to be of use; unsurprisingly, Chen is better at this than him, even showing enthusiasm. “You haven’t seen him in a month or so, right? It’s great that you finally had some contact, if you ask me! So, what did he say?”

“The usual” Baekhyun’s smile vanishes with another small sigh of disappointment. “’I’m sorry I can’t see you, I’m very busy these days, things will get better soon, I miss you’…” he recites lifelessly, suddenly becoming very interested in watching the surface of the table. Kyungsoo stifles a sigh, watching Baekhyun lowering his puppy eyes dejectedly. Really, if he didn’t use to be Chanyeol’s fanboy, he would have already let the man have a piece of his mind and a good earful. Chen presses his lips for a second, taking on the ‘think fast’ look, before brightening up again.

“Did he write ‘I miss you’?” he raises his eyebrows incredulously, staging an act of scandalized disbelief. Baekhyun doesn’t seem to notice right away, keeping his gaze downcast.

“Yeah…”

“Did he write it first?”

“Yeah?” Baekhyun lifts his eyes this time, giving Chen a curious look. Kyungsoo gives Chen the same look, because Baekhyun’s wavelength seems easier to tune into than Chen’s in this moment. Chen gives them a smug smile.

“Well, gentlemen, count with me: I miss you, one-four-three~” Chen wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and keeps humming one-four-three.

And wohoho, wait a second! One-four-three as in…I l-lo-well, L word, you?! Kyungsoo grips his chair. Are they about to open Baekhyun’s eyes? Is Chen’s brilliant plan to kick Baekhyun out of his oblivion and reveal to him all the splendor of romantic emotions that he doesn’t know he has been experiencing? Hadn’t they agreed that it would be better if Baekhyun found out for himself? With Chanyeol? Those two have built their own little universe and meddling with another’s universe is dangerous. Shouldn’t they at least do it later, when Chanyeol is around again? It would be cruel to do it now, when the latter is not in Baekhyun’s life; they can’t make him realize what he could have, only for him to find out what he is missing! This is hardly the right time to do such a thing. Baekhyun looks bewildered, Kyungsoo looks appalled, and they’re both concerned over Chen’s teenage cultural influences somewhere deep down.

“Chen!” Baekhyun exclaims at last, his face turning five shades pinker. “How can you even imply such a thing! He meant what he wrote, and only that!”

“How can you be so sure?” Chen scoops some ice cream, missing Kyungsoo’s urgent glare. Would Chen notice him if he threw something at him? Kyungsoo scans the table for any poor object he could use but his phone is too expensive to sacrifice.

“Because I know Chanyeol, and he’s the sort of person who is not afraid to say what he thinks” Baekhyun says confidently. Kyungsoo doesn’t doubt that Chanyeol would admit his feelings; but Chanyeol has to realize them first and well, we’re experiencing some trouble in that department. After a short beat of overthought silence by Baekhyun, he suddenly flushes and stutters hurriedly under his breath “A-and because I miss him t-too. W-why would h-he even think about m-me like t-that?! Now stop teasing me, you naughty sugar glider!” Baekhyun looks like the embodiment of mortification and Kyungsoo throws a strict glare at Chen; it doesn’t get any more obvious that Baekhyun is not ready to accept the truth. Chen silently accepts Baekhyun’s nervous slaps on his arm and he finally notices Kyungsoo who won’t have to throw him the napkin.

“Okay, I was just messing with you” Chen dismisses lightheartedly with a sneaky smile. Baekhyun pouts for a moment and then picks at the ice cream, convinced that Chen was only teasing him and muttering about finding new friends around a spoonful of chocolate. Thank god Chen has the personality to pull such stunts and then pass it off credibly as inconspicuous teasing…Kyungsoo visibly melts in his seat in relief. “So, what about you, Soo?” Chen changes the subject quickly. Kyungsoo appreciates the gesture but he doesn’t necessarily feel the same way about that happening in his expense.

“Um, what about me?” he asks innocently and fidgets nervously under the table. Talking about his love life and his boyfriend is not very easy for him. People don’t talk about the bane of their existence in gay spirits. Chen doesn’t let it go though.

“How are things with Kai?”

“Oh, good, I guess” he dismisses as nonchalantly as he can, feigning tepid interest, in case he can get off the hook. Chen has undoubtedly sniffed him by now and he raises an eyebrow.

“Come on, Kyungsoo, tell him about the dates!” Baekhyun encourages out of the blue with an excited smile on his face –even though he already knows everything about those dates. But he looks happier than he has in a while, and who is Kyungsoo to take that away from him? Sure, talking about his dates feels awkward as hell, but these two are his best friends after all...

“There have been dates? Where did he take you?” Chen inquires with interest, leaning his head on his hand, and Kyungsoo sighs; he might as well…

“Where hasn’t he taken me, you should ask! We’ve been to parks, riverside picnics, restaurants, clubs, galleries, the movies, even pottery classes, for crying out loud! Don’t laugh madly like that, I didn’t go in to the last one; but he took me there all the same” Kyungsoo rests his head on his fist. All those dates were fun but they are just so many…Sometimes, it feels like Kai is trying too hard to prove something; and Kyungsoo can’t blame him, because he is the one asking for proof…

“Tell him about the last one!” Baekhyun urges, when Chen’s laughter has died down slightly.

“Oh, right, he took me to the planetarium” Kyungsoo smiles at the memory. Ah, the planetarium. Kai is so sappy sometimes. Kyungsoo is so in love with that.

“The Planetarium? That’s a good one; bonus points for Kai” Chen approves with a nod and Kyungsoo throws him a glare halfheartedly. Chen smirks. “Details, please”

“Okay, so…” Kyungsoo rests back in his chair “It was amazing, actually. We watched a movie about the stars; how they’re born and how they die and basic things like that. But the colors were a-ma-zing! The explosions and collisions and all those close-ups of astral material…It was stunning! There were many times you felt like you were floating amongst the stars and then there were shooting stars and beautiful music…It’s so dark in there, you can’t even see your hands, and it felt so nice; like escaping your life. You don’t have to care about anything and for one hour it’s just you and the beautiful stars. It was magical!”

Uh-oh Heavy Romance Alert! Kyungsoo is this close to opening his sentimental side to the world, but he cannot care right now, because he is thinking about how Kai held his hand all the time, and how he looked beautiful with that silly smile every time the light from the explosions was enough to see his face, and how he enjoyed it like a child, and how he kept making star references throughout the rest of the day about Kyungsoo and their relationship, and how he promised Kyungsoo a star…See? It could be worse, if Kyungsoo spilled out all that, because those are extravagantly and sickeningly romantic, yet he loved them. It’s better if his friends see half the crazy part of him.

“You know, I was never really excited about the planetarium, but now that you’ve said all that, I might try it for myself” Chen comments and Kyungsoo blushes slightly. Yeah, excitement all over the place.

“Now that you’ve mentioned it, what’s your news?” Baekhyun asks with a smart smile, leaning closer to Chen. Chen puts down his spoon carefully, creating a small, dramatic pause before the big announcement.

“I had a date”

“What?!” the other two exclaim in unison.

“I said, I had a date” Chen smiles a little and shrugs his shoulders, picking up his spoon again.

Chen. The very busy fashion designer. The person whose head works in the strangest way possible. The person who is so casual and charismatic. The person who is looking for steady relationships. The person sitting across from them. He had a date? With another human?

“We went to the amusement park” Chen carries on by himself, because the other two are obviously too shocked to make any inquiries. “We didn’t do much; we only rode the Ferris wheel. We mostly strolled around and chatted, we ate snacks and ice cream, and then he took me home; it was very simple and easy, nothing big on romance or anything. Now, you might think it was boring, but it was amazing, for your information. I prefer this to any other first date. We talked and got to know to each other better and we had fun, we joked around, we observed the people passing by, we gave away our chips to little children…it was just so nice. He is so nice”

“What’s his name?” Baekhyun asks with a soft smile on his lips, fully concentrated on the story and feeling happy for Chen. Chen bites his lower lip hesitantly for a moment.

“Okay, here comes the surprising part: It was Xiumin”

Silence.

Xiumin. The fabulous bartender from the club. The one who’s been friends with Chanyeol and Kai for years. They person who was with them on their vacation. The person who is so soft and polite, calm and easygoing and casual. He was Chen’s date? How did this happen?

“I’m…” Baekhyun starts with difficulty after a while.

“…shocked” Kyungsoo finishes for him, with equally wide eyes. Baekhyun instantly smacks his arm, making Kyungsoo flinch. What did he do?

“I was going to say happy; I’m happy for you” he corrects and smiles at Chen, doing his best to recover from the shock.

“Well, thank you” Chen says with a proud smile.

“How did this happen?” Kyungsoo asks the obvious in a frantic voice. Because, how did this happen? Kyungsoo ignores the look Baekhyun gives him; come on, everyone is curious.

“Well…you know how we met; we were keeping each other good company during that vacation. You could say we clicked, and the interest was mutual so, we did the responsible thing as adults and flirted, charm and hints floating around…And then we kept bumping into each other; a couple of times at the market, and then outside a clothing store, at a café and then at the club he works –I didn’t even know he works there, you should have told me. Anyway, we had been planning to go on a date at some point, so agreed to go out sooner, since the universe was giving so many signals. So we did, and we have another this weekend” Chen bites his smiling lips and Baekhyun squirms in excitement encouragingly.

“That sounds…” Kyungsoo starts with a small frown between his eyebrows. It sounds…how should he put it?

“…Nice! It sounds really nice!” Baekhyun finishes quickly, not missing to shoot a glare at Kyungsoo to keep him quiet. Kyungsoo would say lukewarm. This version of a love story sounds so mature, and they are not that old yet. Where is the mind-blowing passion, the spark, the blushing details? Okay, he is not saying that the way he met Kai and started their relationship is the right way to go about romance, but it is more exciting at least. It’s very very wrong in fact, but sometimes it’s okay if love starts as something wrong. Most of the time though, love must be something right. So, if Chen has found that, Kyungsoo is happy for him. Chen keeps his dreamy smile on his lips for a while and then a light bulb lights up in his head, and he holds up one finger.

“Oh, right! So…” his voice drops and he wiggles his eyebrows again, leaning towards Baekhyun, who flinches back in surprise to avoid the sudden proximity. Oh dear, Kyungsoo has a feeling where this is going “Baekhyun, do you like men or women?” Kyungsoo didn’t expect it to reach the destination so soon though. He gapes at Chen’s straightforwardness and Baekhyun overflows with laughter. His eyes nearly disappear in mirth, his hand covers his mouth and the other clutches his stomach, and the whole store smiles in fascination. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what’s so funny but he’s not sure what sort of reaction he could have been expecting from Baekhyun either. “Why are you laughing? Why is he laughing?” Chen asks curiously, first Baekhyun and then Kyungsoo. Doyoon is puree behind the counter, completely enchanted.

“Sorry, you surprised me” Baekhyun breathes, wiping away tears from his eyes, his cheeks bright pink. Some people in the store coo and a few high school girls are nearly drooling over him a couple tables away “Hmm, let me think” he muses, tapping one finger on his chin, his voice sounding calmer; Kyungsoo had almost forgotten the natural husky sound of Baekhyun’s voice, after listening to him try to sound more cheerful than he feels for so many days. “Maybe I do”

“Do what?” Chen asks immediately in confusion. Kyungsoo mentally face-palms. You don’t take Baekhyun’s bate; ever. It’s a bad move. Baekhyun is way too smart when he needs to wiggle his tail free. Baekhyun shows them a toothy grin.

“Like men or women” he chirps happily, as if it’s self-explanatory, and Chen groans, falling back in his chair dramatically. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes; he knew they shouldn’t have asked. There is no chance Baekhyun’s oyster shell can be forced open; he’ll let you peek inside only when he wants to. The rest of the time, he’ll keep you guessing, because it’s more frustrating that way.

“There you go. Because he’s a sneaky manipulator, what did you expect?” Kyungsoo chides Chen, frowning and crossing his arms on his chest, and Baekhyun dissolves in laughter once again. Chen lifts his head when Baekhyun is not paying attention and sticks his tongue out at Kyungsoo. The napkin ends up being thrown across the table after all.

--

Chanyeol spends his lunch break watching the stars. They glimmer prettily, forming bright and distant constellations, adorning the black sky with silver sprinkles. The city looks like a tangled mess of colorful lights far away from him, where the stars fade and the black illuminates like a halo around the horizon. He sighs in the silence and he is followed by a sigh of sweeping breeze all around him. It’s a little chilly, but he feels comfortable. The branches of the tree stand still above him but their leaves sway like a black mass, sometimes peeking a glimpse of grey, as they descend closer to the ground, following the lines of the branches. The grass tickles his skin where he lays on the ground and the air smells like the night and lilacs. Chanyeol remembers this place from his birthday.

And only then does he remember that such a small hill exists somewhere not far from the city. This beautiful fragment of peace and quiet that Baekhyun shared with him as a gift, he hasn’t visited ever since that day, even though he has needed it so badly. His eyes instinctively turn to the side and he tries to peer thought the darkness around him, just to check that there is no message hanging on the lower brunches of the tree. There is nothing there, but it’s only half a disappointment; why would there be anything here for him in the first place? There is no reason. There is no special occasion. There is nothing special about him. He doesn’t really…matter.

Chanyeol presses his lips and swallows a hurt whimper. This is not how things should be. He curls around himself, drawing his knees to his chest and shivering a little on the cold, hard ground. That’s when he realizes a soft caress on his head. It goes on for a while and it feels comforting. Nimble fingers thread through his hair, which has gotten longer the last few weeks, massaging gently on his scalp and pressing on just the right spots to make his tormenting headaches disappear. It feels like such a relief and he breathes a little better. He feels his depressed heart aching, and he leans into the touch, closing his misty eyes and preparing for a nap, savoring the feeling even for just a little while longer.

“What are you doing here, duckling?” a husky voice whispers softly. It rings familiar to his ears and Chanyeol’s eyes open wide awake when he realizes what beloved face matches that voice which he has missed so much. He turns around immediately, surprised and mostly bewildered.

“Baekhyun?” he questions his own eyes, blinking several times to adjust. Sure enough it is Baekhyun, with his puppy eyes and his button nose. Chanyeol’s heart flutters without permission. Baekhyun withdraws his hand from where it was buried in the taller’s hair and waves at him shyly.

“Hi” he coos soothingly, smiling a little –just enough to make those gleaming eye-smiles appear momentarily and make Chanyeol’s heart start a faster rhythm. Chanyeol hopes the night can hide his profusely blushing cheeks and he returns a very wide smile and a small, spastic wave. He feels like a love-struck, nervous teenager, left alone with his crush. Everything is bubbling within him and Baekhyun looks just so perfectly handsome, and Chanyeol is with him, he is sitting so close and he has his attention! This is when teenagers nowadays scream ‘OMG!’ multiple times in succession, isn’t it? Baekhyun curls his fist under his chin thoughtfully and pouts his pink lips a little. “Are you lost?” he asks.

And maybe Chanyeol is. He’s very lost. He’s buried in his work and nowhere to be found, he has vanished from the world, he is missing everyone he loves and he’s hurting anyone who cares for him. That’s not who he is; he has lost himself along the way.

“You found me though” he thinks aloud and it sounds reassuring. He feels safer. He tries to lift himself on his elbows and he lies on his stomach, taking a good look at Baekhyun, who’s sitting with crossed legs butterfly style, not an arm’s length away. He is wearing something bulky, like a fluffy knit, his hair falling simply across his forehead to complete a warm picture. It’s dark but Chanyeol’s eyes have adjusted, or maybe Baekhyun is emitting some light of his own like the angel he is, so Chanyeol can see him clearly. It’s so strange that his eyes are seeing Baekhyun’s rose petal lips, his sharp cheekbones, his innocent eyes, everything about him being so childlike and yet he feels like Baekhyun is excluding this manly aura, secure and confident and protective. Chanyeol wants to swoon this much for the first time in his life.

“Aren’t you cold?” Baekhyun asks, unfolding a jacket he had been holding in his arms and draping it gently over Chanyeol’s shoulders, carefully covering as much of his exposed back as possible. The taller swallows his heart and his painfully obvious giggles. The warmth of the jacket is nowhere near as intense as the one that spreads in Chanyeol’s chest and he is sure his ears, his cheeks and his neck match in color, sporting a bright crimson. The darkness wouldn’t possibly do anything to hide that much; but it’s okay if it’s for Baekhyun. Chanyeol’s heart is happy but it seems oddly restrained from reaching its full fluttering potential for some reason; he’ll still take this happiness though. And then Chanyeol’s filter-less mouth asks the unthinkable.

“Why are you here?” His eyes widen when he realizes what his lips just let out and he cups his mouth with his hand quickly. What a stupid thing to ask! Who cares why he is here or how, the most important thing is that Baekhyun is here; and he is giving so much of his precious attention to Chanyeol, only to be repaid with a rude question. Chanyeol is about to open his mouth and apologize, explain that there is no way in a million galaxies Baekhyun would be unwelcome or bothersome or unwanted, but Baekhyun beats him to it with a benevolent chuckle and two shining, entertained eyes.

“I’m yours, silly” he muses, touching his index finger on Chanyeol’s forehead momentarily. His hand is cold and Chanyeol has a sudden urge to grab it and kiss all the knuckles reverently, and hold it close against his cheek, seeking Baekhyun’s scent in his wrist. But he doesn’t do any of this, because Chanyeol finds the answer strange, and he frowns. What is that supposed to mean? The question falls from his mind, however, as if it was never meant to be asked. Instead, Chanyeol gets whisked away by the smiling eyes and those rectangle-shaped lips, the moonlit skin and tussled strands of hair. He feels there is something blurred in this picture, but even this broken mirage makes his heart squirm. And for an elusive little moment, just for one moment, Chanyeol’s storm eases in his chest and a lilac-scented star shimmers softly inside him, making him believe that everything will be okay.

But suddenly, Chanyeol finds himself very concerned, his heart racing and his stomach clenching, when Baekhyun takes on a hurt expression. His dark eyebrows draw together and the lines of his small face twist in pain, and that raises tidal waves of concern in Chanyeol’s chest, the clouds suffocating his heart and the thunderbolts scorching everything with his stuttering breath. Baekhyun wraps his arms around himself, lowering his chin and hunching his back, trying to shield himself from his surroundings as if everything upsets him. Chanyeol is ready to become a million pieces of himself to protect Baekhyun, be anything he asks for.

“But Yeol…” Baekhyun’s voice is low and dwindling, getting lost in a heart wrenching sob. Chanyeol opens his eyes wide, experiencing everything in slow motion “…it hurts” Baekhyun whimpers and sobs softly, letting out a sound like a hurt puppy. Chanyeol scans him for any injuries but nothing seems out of place, even in the darkness. It’s futile and he knows it before he even scans the smaller, because he can sense that Baekhyun’s pain is nothing physical. It’s deeper. And Chanyeol is the source of it.

His heart is stabbed by the sudden sadness in Baekhyun’s voice and the knife tears through. He’s the one to blame and that makes everything worse. If Baekhyun is sad, Chanyeol is devastated. He doesn’t know what to do to fix this, or what to say; all he can do is stare in sympathy, crestfallen and hurting inside, paralyzed by the very idea that whatever he might do, may cause Baekhyun more pain. Baekhyun’s eyes glisten in the darkness like diamonds and his flushed cheeks start staining with tears. It’s a terrible feeling he has to suffer, looking directly into Baekhyun’s beautiful eyes while the smaller breaks down, looking so small and vulnerable. A twisted part of Chanyeol tells him that he deserves it, he should be feeling awful.

“Please make it stop, Yeol. Please, make it go away. Please…” Baekhyun pleads in a wounded voice that tears Chanyeol’s heart apart. The smaller shakes his head, trying to escape his own disturbing thoughts, and Chanyeol feels completely worthless. He is the only one who can help Baekhyun but he doesn’t know how, so he has to suffer with him. He’s so lost.

“Baek…” Chanyeol sobs through numb lips, feeling the cold night air biting on his skin more ruthlessly. He bites his lips and blinks away his own tears, exhaling in a shaky breath that physically hurts. He knows he is responsible for Baekhyun’s sadness and he’s a horrible person for that. “I’m so sorry” he apologizes uselessly, his hand reaching out to wipe away Baekhyun’s tears in a small gesture of comfort and affection. The smaller leans toward him, seeking the touch, and it almost happens, but terrifyingly enough, Chanyeol’s hand pierces through Baekhyun, as if he’s made of smoke that starts fading in the night. Chanyeol panics. “Baek?” he calls and scrambles to his knees, trying to get closer to Baekhyun and gain space to touch him. The smaller looks up at him with the same wounded expression and a sliver of anticipation. He tries to touch him again, but the same thing happens and another part of Baekhyun goes missing in the darkness. Chanyeol doesn’t understand; Baekhyun touched him before, he has been sitting next to him all this while –that will seem forever too short. He gets frantic, searching for a way to stop it, his heart racing painfully in his chest. He is frightened and he’s not shy of showing it. His voice calls again but it changes nothing and Baekhyun keeps dissolving. “Baekhyun? Baekhyun?!”

Chanyeol wakes up with a brand new, swelling bump on his forehead. He groans and lifts his head off the black surface of his desk, throwing a hateful glare at it. He is surprised to see the desk unlettered though, courtesy of someone with common sense and pity, who removed the papers he had been working on prior to his nap session so that they wouldn’t get ruined. His eyes hurt and it doesn’t even feel like his body is his own. He can’t believe he out at the office again; it’s the second time this week. It’s not just a dangerous practice for his sore neck and his tired brain, but also because of all the wrong, bad things that could happen if someone was to walk in on him while he’s passed out. He manages to lift himself completely off the table and he rubs a hand on his face, trying to manually arrange his features to look awake.

“You were dreaming of Baekhyun” Luhan’s voice makes an almost unexpected appearance; Chanyeol didn’t remember he was there, but Luhan is almost always here there days, so…Chanyeol closes his eyes in a pained way. Luhan said it in such an obvious, unimpressed voice.

“Did I call his name?” damn, he needs to gain better control of his mouth or he could get himself and someone else into serious trouble. He has enough of that as it is. At the sound of Chanyeol’s growling voice, Luhan lowers the file he has been reading to give the taller a deadpan look, which looks more tired combined with his dark circles. He does nothing to remove his feet from where they’re resting up on Chanyeol’s desk. He sounds a little softer than before when he answers though.

“Multiple times, in fact”

--

Kai walks down the street, sunglasses on his nose to help his vision in the blindingly sunny weather of this fine spring afternoon and hot cup of strawberry flavored chocolate in hand –because Kyungsoo says he drinks too much coffee. He smiles absently at the thought of his beloved and all the nagging he got on the topic. Call him crazy, but he likes the nagging. He stops at a pedestrian light, crowding with other city people, but he doesn’t have to wait long before it’s a green light. He turns the corner and hunches his shoulders a little, a cold gust of wind sneaking inside his coat. For a sunny day, it’s uncharacteristically cold, but that’s spring weather for you; unpredictable and mismatched in the most endearing way.

Kai can think of someone else like that too.

He hides his smile behind his scarf, the one that Kyungsoo unknowingly wore to work the other day and freaked out when Baekhyun told him it’s Burberry –apparently, Baekhyun knows his fashion trends better than Kyungsoo. It was hilarious to watch Kyungsoo return the scarf, almost afraid to touch it, and apologizing for borrowing it, since he had no idea how expensive it is. As if Kai would have minded. He likes nice, luxurious things but there is no price and literally nothing he wouldn’t give or he’d compare to Kyungsoo. He takes the last sip of his chocolate and throws the carton cup at a recycling bin nearby. Fortunately, he’s not in a hurry to get to the stationary shop for the supplies Chanyeol asked, and that’s why he didn’t take his car. A little exercise never hurt anyone and the day is pretty decent.

He’s in the middle of reconsidering his choice to walk on foot, however, with all the stares and whispers he’s attracting even in his disguise, when hold it, is that the man of his life? He slows down, buying some time to check. Affirmative, love of his life at his two o’clock. Kyungsoo is wearing his beige coat and he’s sitting at a café with a small sunlit porch, separated from the pedestrian street with a few waist-high plants. There are shopping bags on the table in front of him and he seems to have just arrived, making himself comfortable and removing his woolen scarf. Kai’s heart skips in his chest, seeing him like a gift of the day’s sunrays, and he strolls happily across the street in a whim to say hi.

He gets close and leans over the barrier inconspicuously, thankful that Kyungsoo picked a table right next to the green fence.

“Kyungsoo, is that you?” he chirps, taking off his sunglasses. Of course it’s him; Kai just needs to be sure that Kyungsoo won’t doubt for even a second it’s his attention the taller is after. Kyungsoo flinches and whips his head around as if someone has yelled a dinosaur has appeared on the street. It takes no time for him to recognize Kai, but he stays frozen in shock for a considerable while, blinking against the sunshine with eyes that get wider with each blink. Kyungsoo’s eyes always surprise Kai with their abilities.

“No.” he ends up saying after a while, his face going as blank as his voice. Kai is not so surprised by the answer, because it’s Kyungsoo we’re talking about, he basically breathes sarcastic retorts. But Kai is surprised to receive that tone of voice so early into a conversation. Sure, he hears of the blank, snarky tone whenever Kyungsoo is trying to look unimpressed with something Kai says, or when the shorter thinks a question is dumb, sometimes he hears it when they’re playfully bantering too, but he can’t imagine why he’s being greeted with it. Did he do something wrong?

“I was just about to call you!” he smiles, undeterred –maybe Kyungsoo is just in a bad mood which is okay, Kai can work his way through that. “This is great luck!” his fingers dance giddily inside the pockets of his coat. He’d wanted to call Kyungsoo today and set a meeting with him. Not exactly like a date this time, though. He has to explain a few things to Kyungsoo, because his giant friend is too stubborn and keeps hurting another small, puppy friend of theirs. Kai has been contemplating whether he should tell Kyungsoo or not for a while, it’s been eating at him, and he thinks he has made his decision.

“No” Kyungsoo whispers again and Kai’s brow furrows. Where does this ‘no’ fit into the conversation? He didn’t ask anything, he just said it’s great they met. Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to share this opinion, however, because he shakes his head and trembles whole, his face paling while whispering “nonono”. Kai is concerned over his fearful mumbles, but he tries to keep things in their conversation normal, for as long as he can ignore the uneasy twist in his stomach.

“I was wondering if maybe you could come by for dinner tonight? I…I need to tell you somethi- are you okay?” he gives in eventually and abandons his effort to make an introduction to the very important topic he needs to discuss with Kyungsoo later. It’s somewhat terrifying to see Kyungsoo experiencing such a lapse in control and shaking for an unknown reason that might be related to Kai. He looked just fine before Kai came over. But even in his state, Kyungsoo finds it in him to glare at Kai with hard eyes.

“Don’t I look okay?” he growls through his teeth. Kai flinches slightly from the unexpected hostility and his high spirits shimmer down considerably.

“Not particularly, but if you say so…” he says in a quiet voice that sounds more guarded than he meant it to be. He gives Kyungsoo a concerned look, lingering and trying to think of ways to soothe him even without knowing the specific reason that upset him. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes in frustration. Kai still can’t figure out what he’s doing wrong.

“Can you go now? Okay, we’ll have dinner, but right now, I need you gone” Kyungsoo snaps again, confusing Kai more than ever. He agreed to dinner just now, so he doesn’t hate him to his guts, thank all the holy watermelons, but he’s still pushing Kai away. He looks one moment away from standing up and physically doing so if he’ll have to. He’s undoubtedly on edge and now Kai notices that his large eyes give one too many glances to the interior of the coffee shop. And that’s when he gets this bizarrely entertaining idea.

“Am I hiding from someone?” he asks with a smirk and incredulous eyes, not quite believing the sound of his own words. Kyungsoo’s eyes open wide at the question however, giving Kai a feeling he has hit right on target –it’s easy enough for him to read Kyungsoo like an open book by now, let alone when he’s being so adorably disoriented and flustered. But the fact remains that Kyungsoo is having coffee with someone else and he needs Kai gone, as he put it, and Kai is not sure how to feel about that.

“What, pffft, where did you get that idea, no way, don’t be ridiculous, but seriously, go, she can’t see you with me” Kyungsoo mumbles in one breath, his originally nonchalant tone growing frantic and then serious in an almost comical way. Kai’s lips curve upwards, noticing that Kyungsoo said ‘she’ and whoever it is, as long as it’s not a rivaling ‘he’, Kai can convince himself to keep his peace of mind for a while longer, until he asks Kyungsoo about it.

“Okay, but only because it’s you, and you’ll have to explain everything to me later” he concedes, his mood taking a turn to be cheerful again, with some of his curiosity slipping his control. He then leans closer playfully, blinking up at Kyungsoo, who doesn’t seem to notice, still darting his eyes back and forth, dividing his attention between Kai and the person in the coffee shop. This absentminded state is kind of cute; it’s much easier to surprise him. “Kiss goodbye?”

“Yes, yes, fine, anything- wait.” Kyungsoo stops his panicky agreement when he registers Kai’s words and he gives him an appalled look, recoiling as far away as his chair allows him “What are you doing?! Go away, go away!” he hisses, a pitched squeak in his voice showing his urgency accompanied by a fluttery motion of his hands that almost slap Kai in the face. Let’s pretend Kyungsoo never seriously meant that.

“Fine, I’m going” Kai huffs, pretending to be affronted, and he starts retreating. In his mind, he’s already planning the text he’ll send Kyungsoo later to . But Kyungsoo suddenly stops him with a disoriented flail of his arms, which might look funny to the average, sane person but it look utterly endearing to Kai.

“Wait, come back!” he hisses again, sounding so adorable when he’s so panicked. Kai is bewildered once more –life never gets boring with his Kyungsoo– but he humors him, coming closer again with a smirk on his lips. But he had never expected Kyungsoo to grab him by the collar. Yet grab him by the collar Kyungsoo does, pulling him down over the fence and almost throwing him out of balance –way to lay low and go unnoticed in public. And just as Kai is half-sure he’s going to get punched and half-unsure of why he’s in this position in the first place, Kyungsoo smashes his lips against his, giving him a quick yet firm peck on the mouth. Yes, life never gets boring. Kai looks at him with dazed eyes and Kyungsoo looks up at him with wide eyes, more focused and sober than before.

“I’m really fine” he says with certainty and Kai can’t do much else than believe him when he looks at him in the eyes like that. A small part of his heart jumps from the intimate gaze, so open that Kai thinks he can read everything inside Kyungsoo’s eyes. He smiles, thinking how cute Kyungsoo is, wanting to reassure Kai, even when risking being found out by whoever is not supposed to see them together. It’s a small gesture, but it shows Kyungsoo cares about them. Them; together. “Now go!” he releases his hold on him just as abruptly and Kai takes two stumbling steps backwards, smiling like an idiot and making a spin for show. Kyungsoo chuckles in spite of himself and motions him urgently to go already. Kai feels butterflies in his stomach as he keeps walking down the street, feeling refreshed and elated, narrowly missing a collision with a street lamp that appeared in front of him suddenly.

--

Chen rushes out the door, hurling it close behind him; they must think he is crazy for leaving so hurriedly and without an explanation, but he can afford to look a part eccentric, let alone when his best friend’s wellbeing is concerned. He wastes no time, pulling out his cell phone and finding Baekhyun’s number with trembling hands. Three seconds later, Baekhyun hasn’t answered and Chen checks the clock on the wall with the corner of his eye. It’s nine forty seven, which is pretty late for the home-cat Baekhyun; he is probably taking a shower, or cooking, or watching a movie, or sleeping on the couch while trying to watch a movie. He has cutely domestic habits like that. Chen bites his lips impatiently. Come on, Baek, pick up, pick up, pick up…

Never mind his chanting, the time for the call eventually runs out and he goes to voice mail. He doesn’t want to leave a message; he won’t give up so soon on finding Baekhyun when he has something so important to tell him. He curses under his breath and starts pacing in the lobby, helping no one. He tries his luck with Baekhyun’s number again. There are not many people around in the building, because it’s late, and the fashion industry might require you to get up early and come to work hangover, but it allows you to spend the night partying away, and that’s what most people do by now. Chen would be on his way home as well, but he had to work on this project that is ‘top secret’, so he stayed. And, oh, what he found…

A secretary girl passes by the lobby, carrying some papers. She gives him a curious look, probably because he is pacing around like a mad man, leaving the clients alone in the room next door, and because he is making all sorts of noises and faces of exasperation and urgency. Chen doesn’t have time for her right now, or for the gossip which springs out of nowhere in this business, so he gives her the don’t-look-at-me-like-that-I-know-you’re-sleeping-with-the-married-owner-of-that-fashion-magazine look, and she naturally cowers and scampers away. What?! –the owner of this line is not available…

Chen growls and bites his cheeks, glaring at his phone and trying again. He makes a few turns in the room while listening to the vain rhythmic rings from his phone and then he decides that walking around and stressing won’t make Baekhyun pick up any faster, so he sits down on a chair and sighs in frustration. Soon his foot starts tapping on the floor. And Baekhyun is still not picking up! He grits his teeth; his nerves are beyond comprehension in this moment but there is a valid reason for that.

Because imagine this: You are a fashion designer, one of the best. You design clothes all the time and you have considerable commercial success and a great reputation; but the real success is if you can design something for someone famous, who will wear it somewhere for the whole world to see. Now that will make your reputation shoot through the roof and open new doors for you and for the dreams you have had since you were a child –never mind the money, because you already have enough of that. So, when a rich girl is getting married and that is the news of the century next to Kate Middleton’s big moment, and the company trusts you, of all people, to design her wedding dress, you would say ‘hell yeah!’ and cheer until you wear yourself out completely, and then you would start drafting dresses like there is no tomorrow. Let’s say two days later, you have your first meeting with this girl and her mother –in secret of course– to talk about the dress, the design, the fabric, the buttons, the lace, etc. They look the average hard-to-please and spoiled, filthy rich women, but that is okay, because you are good at what you do and you can handle anything.

And then BOOM, everything spirals out of control because they hit you, accidentally, with something you can’t handle! Because the name of the groom is Park Chanyeol. The Chanyeol. FREAKING PARK CHANYEOL! Like, Baekhyun’s Chanyeol! And he is the groom. He is getting married. Getting. Married. And Baekhyun is oblivious –because he never reads magazines and, in this case, even Chen who does read magazines missed it, so it must be semi-official. But it won’t be semi-official forever, it’s going to become official soon, and he will get married to this Krystal brat. Suddenly, his behavior over the last month takes a whole new meaning.

So, yeah, now that you get the picture, you have an idea about why Chen is so frantic. There was not much he could do in that room with the mother and the daughter; he only gaped for a moment and then he excused himself, putting the conversation on hold, and ran out. He has been trying to call Baekhyun ever since, but he is still not picking up and Chen feels like banging his head on a wall. He has to tell him, he has to warn Baekhyun. Baekhyun must know so that he can protect his heart before it’s too late, because now it is tenderly exposed to Chanyeol –who god knows what he thinks he is doing– and he will die if he finds out unexpectedly the wrong way.

Chen glances at the clock. He would leave this instant and visit Baekhyun, but he cannot leave the mother and daughter waiting for him aimlessly. It’s not just his life’s work he is protecting by staying here; he can have the strategic advantage: keep your friends close and your enemies closer…He can’t just tell Baekhyun over the phone either, because this is too important and Chen has to be there in person, accompanied by tons of chocolate ice cream, pillows and tissues. He sighs, feeling tired all of a sudden, and tries his luck at calling again. Of course he ends up talking to the voice mail…

“Baek, it’s Chen. I have something very important to tell you. Please, call me as soon as possible; I need to see you. We need to talk.”  

--

“Chanyeol, will you pull over?” Krystal shirks demandingly. Chanyeol cringes and growls, wondering how he has managed not throwing her out of the car for the past fourteen blocks...He pulls over.

“What do you want?” he snaps at her with a not-so-polite glare. He is tired and he wants to go home. He only agreed to drive her to her house first because she visited his office out of the blue again and his father was there this time, so there wasn’t much he could do about it. But she has been chattering nonstop in an annoying voice all the while, and to make matters worse, she has been talking about things Chanyeol doesn’t even want to think about. He is this close to strangling her. Putting his hands around her neck and squeezing. She collects herself before she speaks.

“We need to talk about this now; the event planner will meet me and my mother tomorrow, and we need to tell him what color the flowers should be”

“Oh, Jesus” Chanyeol mumbles and leans his head on the steering wheel. She stopped him halfway to her house to talk about that? As if he cares about the freaking flowers or whatever! And if this was a really great event planner, like Baekhyun, they wouldn’t have to worry over the flowers…He doesn’t even want to go to that stupid party their parents are throwing to announce their engagement! He doesn’t want to get engaged. Chanyeol decides that he needs to work faster, if such thing is possible; he must not allow this situation to get out of control, it is bad enough already.

“Now, I was thinking” she continues, ignoring his posture of agony “we should pick white flowers, because they are so chic for summer, and pink ribbons, because my dress will be pink and-”

“Stop! Just stop!” he interrupts her, exploding abruptly. She has the annoying super power of talking by herself and after having suffered from that for more dates than any human should ever deserve to suffer, he cannot stand listening to her voice anymore.

She looks at him with a hurt look –Chanyeol doesn’t feel sorry for her the least bit, not because he is insensitive or because 70% of that look is fake, but because she knows this engagement is not going anywhere, she has known since the very beginning, so he has nothing to feel sorry for if he stops her from pestering him about things that don’t matter. He has not forgotten completely that he is a gentleman, even when she is concerned, so he made sure that his feelings have been clear from the beginning and that his intention to end this engagement as soon as he can was very realistically presented to her. If she wants to be annoying beyond belief and live in fake fantasies and dreams concerning this engagement is none of Chanyeol’s problems, but she cannot expect him to comply with her insanity.

“Look, I don’t know how your head works, but we’ve talked about this: this engagement is not real. It’s going to end –hopefully, sometime soon. So excuse me if I don’t care about this party or the flowers or your dress, but I have greater problems in my life. You can play engaged and have fun with all this planning for the while it lasts, I don’t mind it, but what I do mind is when you are trying to drag me along. I cannot afford playing with you, do you understand that?” he looks at her levelly. She stays silent for the longest time Chanyeol has ever heard her silent, staring back at him. He wonders if he was too harsh, but he decides that no, it’s fine. He needed to say that. Her eyes gain a strange gleam in the lights of the dashboard and she presses her lips in a thin line, nodding in understanding.

“Okay, I understand” she whispers quietly and Chanyeol sighs in relief. Please, let this be truce between them. “I understand that you don’t love me, Park Chanyeol!” she yells right after, bursting into tears. Chanyeol curses his luck; dear god, please. He bites his tongue, trying to hold back a full scale yelling spree that he has been burying inside him for too long. Her mascara runs down her cheeks in streams and, before he has time to manage the situation and bring her back on sane tracks of thought, she opens the door and gets out of the car in the pouring night rain. Chanyeol’s eyes open wide in shock. What the hell?!

“Hey, where are you going?!” Chanyeol calls after her and curses under his breath, getting out in the cold rain to go after her. He might hate her to the pit of his stomach but he cannot be ruthless enough to leave her alone, out in the rain, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere in the city. The rain is cold on his skin and his clothes stain with it too soon, but thanks to his long legs, he catches up quickly with her stubborn stomping away act. “Where do you think you are going? Come on, I’ll take you home” he tries gently, hoping not many people will notice them on the street, her walking ahead and him following a civil step behind. She turns her head to glare at him.

“I’m not going anywhere with you” she bites back and he rolls his eyes condescendingly, but her next words press his wrong buttons. “You don’t love me” Okay, that’s it.

“You knew I don’t love you, all along” he reminds her in a strict voice, slightly above average volume –because he is trying to be nice and she is only being stubborn and aggressive, so excuse him, he is not a saint to take it without complains. But he catches himself and forces his temper to shimmer down, minding they are in public. “Now come back to the car; I have to take you home, I promised my father” he tries calmly but firmly. She stops walking; she has probably realized that Chanyeol is not in a mood to play around. She whirls around and stares at him for a while, contemplating her options. Well, if there is a grain of sanity in that expensively coiffed head of hers, she will see that there are no options with him right now.

“You are taking me home looking like this?” she bristles finally, opening her arms in demonstration of her soaking clothes. Chanyeol sighs in frustration, because whose fault is that? Damn, even Chanyeol is soaked from the rain. “Oh, I’d love to see you explaining that to my parents” she smirks smugly. Chanyeol glares at her and she cowers back, and then he thinks about it for a moment. He doesn’t want to admit it, but she has a point. He wouldn’t have hesitated to take her back as she is, but she is a good liar and fabricator, so of course she has a point, she is used to thinking of these things in advance.

“Okay, we’ll stop by my house until you are dry” he suggests; he lives nearby, so they just have to go there and dry her clothes and her hair with a hair drier, and then he will drive her home, looking as good as new. “But please, let’s go back to the car now; it’s raining cats and dogs”

She agrees with the plan, making Chanyeol’s life miraculously easy for the first time, and they return to the car. Chanyeol estimates that they will have to hurry slightly, so that there won’t be suspicious deviation from the estimated time of arrival to her house. This will take, what, twenty minutes? And then half an hour to drive her home. He growls slightly as he watches her take a seat in the car, staining the fabric with her wet clothes. Fifty minutes, Chanyeol, just fifty minutes patience…

--

Baekhyun puts on his brightest smile in days and knocks on the door swiftly, hoping the chocolates he is carrying are still in good shape. This has a very strong sense of déjà vu, but it’s not a looming feeling; good things happened every time he knocked on this door, so his heart hopes for more good things in the future, fluttering in his chest. He glances at his rain-stained shoes self-consciously; it rained earlier and the puddles were inescapable.  

It takes a while, but Baekhyun realizes there has been no answer, so he knocks again. Chanyeol is not expecting him, so he could be obliviously lost somewhere inside his huge house. Baekhyun couldn’t resist the sudden urge to pay him a surprise visit. He has not seen Chanyeol in so long and he has missed him, and this surprise visit gesture has worked out in similar situations in the past; so he decided on the spot and he got ready to go out quickly. But it was already past dinnertime, so he picked his favorite chocolates on the way instead, to cheer Chanyeol up. He hopes this will unravel as smoothly as it went in his head. He perks up and smiles even wider with excitement when he hears footsteps behind the door.

A pretty girl opens the door instantly, startling Baekhyun –she is definitely not Chanyeol. His first thought is ‘oh my god, I got the wrong floor! I have been knocking on a stranger’s door at this late hour!’ but when his panicked eyes check the insignia next to the door, he realizes that ‘no, I’m at the right place, unless I suddenly forgot how to read correctly’. He looks at the girl, feeling puzzled, but he tries not to let it show, keeping a polite smile on his lips. If we are being honest here though, his stomach just dropped to his knees in disappointment.

“Um…hi” he greets sheepishly, taking in the rest of the girl’s appearance. Which, appearance, is…odd. She is young, with long, dark, silky hair and fair skin. Her makeup is slightly smudged, but she is still pretty. Her expression is not very flattering, with that frown between her eyebrows, the disdainful glare in her eyes and the bored slant of her lips, but Baekhyun guesses she is not necessarily nice, just because she is pretty. The most troubling part is her attire. She is wearing a white shirt. Just that. It is very long, of course, it looks like a dress on her, only it’s a bit too large for her frame. The top buttons are open but Baekhyun is neither interested to check nor shocked enough to forget that he’s a gentleman. Never mind her clothes; he is more bewildered by her unexpected and bizarre appearance in Chanyeol’s home.

“What do you want?” she asks abruptly, raising a challenging eyebrow. Baekhyun freezes a little, surprised and concerned. For a pretty young girl, and for someone who is answering the door of someone else’s house, she is not so polite…Baekhyun would expect better from someone so eligible and someone entitled to be in Chanyeol’s house in general.

“I…ah, I am here to see Chanyeol?” Baekhyun keeps his polite smile, even though he feels very strange to have to say this. It’s so far away from what he had anticipated that it’s like someone has firmly pushed him out of his reality. Can’t he see Chanyeol? Maybe he can sort this situation and make everything right. Baekhyun probably won’t be able to do anything other than just see Chanyeol if she is around, but he’ll take whatever he can. He feels like he’s swimming in a pool of confusion and disappointment.

“Why?” she asks again, tilting her head, her bad-mannered expression unchanging.

“I’m his friend; I brought him something” he explains politely, showcasing the bag of chocolates. He will not let her get to him. He needs to stay afloat until Chanyeol comes and rescues him. She eyes the bag suspiciously and then looks at him again with a new look in her eyes –which is not any less rude and Baekhyun doesn’t appreciate it. She scrutinizes him from head to toe and then crosses her arms in front of her, leaning on the door frame to block his view, while her eyes glare at him in a very suspicious and calculating way; she is offensive and defensive at the same time.

“What’s your name?” she jerks her chin, which is not lady like at all. He nods back politely.

“I’m Baekhyun. And who might you be, miss?” he thinks it’s okay if he asks that much, since they have been talking for a while now and since she won’t let him in to talk to Chanyeol. Where is Chanyeol? He even smiles charmingly at her, trying to be friendly.

“What’s your business with Chanyeol?” she ignores his question, favoring another of her intruding, imperative inquires. It oddly makes Baekhyun feel like he is being interrogated all of a sudden, for no particular reason as far as he’s concerned, by a complete stranger to him, in front of Chanyeol’s house inside which he’s not allowed. Baekhyun thinks it is safe to say that he is being treated unfairly and she’s openly hostile towards him, even if he didn’t do anything.

“I told you, I’m his friend and I brought him something” Baekhyun keeps his calm and civil manners; he has come across many difficult and rude people in his job, so keeping a calm and polite front is not so hard for him to do. It feels unbefitting that he has to do it in this particular time and place however. She rolls her eyes at him.

“Right, give me that” she clumsily snatches the bag away from him, leaving him even more flustered than before. Why is she being like that? And where is she going with his chocolates? Those were for Chanyeol! Baekhyun feels his inner puppy snarl; no man or woman should ever separate him from his chocolate. His patience with her is running thin.

“Uh, I would really like to see Chanyeol” he says, changing his smile for a firmer voice. Maybe Chanyeol can make some sense of all this and explain. She is not important to Baekhyun and he is willing to forgive or disregard her, but first he wants to see Chanyeol. Besides, that’s what Baekhyun primarily came here for. The girl smirks smugly.

“Listen sweetheart, you are not seeing Chanyeol tonight” she says in contempt, which Baekhyun genuinely doesn’t deserve. She clicks her tongue condescendingly, checking him from head to toe once again. “Or any other night, for that matter”

“Excuse me?” Baekhyun feels puzzled by her behavior and he feels himself getting automatically on the defensive side, along with an urge to cover himself from her malevolent, scrutinizing gaze. She rests one hand on her hip strictly.

“Are you stupid or something?” she retorts harshly, making him flinch “Chanyeol is not available for you. I can see what you are trying to do here and there is no way I am letting you get to him. Pretty little things like you had better scamper away to the dark little hole on the ground where they came from, because Chanyeol is off limits now and I will keep things that way, no matter what. So, unless you want to regret being born and living in this country, I suggest you keep your filthy talons to yourself and you leave my fiancé alone” 

“Your what?!” Baekhyun suddenly chokes on humid air. Did she just say-

“Fiancé; are you deaf?”

No, apparently, he is not deaf. But he wishes he were.

“You are…getting m-married to Chanyeol? Park Chanyeol?” he asks breathlessly, just for confirmation’s sake. The blood drains from his face and his breath becomes shallow, making him feel an increasing lightheadedness. The girl smiles widely and examines her nails idly.

“Of course, very soon in fact. Everyone says we are a match made in heaven; we’re both rich and famous and gorgeous…”

Baekhyun tunes her out; he doesn’t need to hear anything else. She’s…she’s…Chanyeol is getting married. How did this happen? When? He hasn’t told Baekhyun anything…Maybe it’s a secret. Or maybe he didn’t think any reason why Baekhyun should know about it. Is this why he has been avoiding Baekhyun? Did Baekhyun become too much for an engaged man? Did their friendship become uncomfortable or unwanted on Chanyeol’s part? What did Baekhyun do wrong? Baekhyun knew he should have stayed away, that it was dangerous to get closer, like the insects that burn in the candle fire. But, the thing is, he thought he was good friends with Chanyeol. Why wouldn’t the giant tell him anything about his engagement? Best friends share this sort of news, right? Was Chanyeol lying all this long? No, Chanyeol is not like this, he is not this sort of person. But this girl…she can’t be lying. Not when she is in Chanyeol’s home, wearing that shirt, which is probably Chanyeol’s. Wait; she is wearing Chanyeol’s shirt. Another thought crosses Baekhyun’s mind. Of course, they don’t live in the eighteenth century; engaged people are usually lovers as well. Lovers. So, Chanyeol likes this girl? He finds her pretty and attractive? She did say that they are a match made in heaven…Was that enough to throw Baekhyun’s friendship away?

Suddenly, Baekhyun realizes he is not supposed to be here. He should leave. Right now. The ground is shifting too much under his feet, as if the whole building is spinning, and he might tumble down any second, but even the thought of falling to his knees doesn’t bring any relief, because the world will keep spiraling. And if Chanyeol’s behavior for these past weeks has been any indication, he should disappear quietly. It was about time. There is a limit to how high you can reach, little Byun; you always knew that. He needs to leave, be gone. He came here with all the best intentions and promises of happiness, but now he wants to leave and throw everything behind him; he feels tired and dizzy and sad, too sad. His chest aches and maybe he is sick. He wants to go home, his safe little home, lock the door and hide in his familiar bed, getting depressed and crying his heart out. He wants to go home. He tries to regroup and find some of his control; he needs to be strong for just a little while, just until he reaches home.

“I…I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t disturb you this late at night” he mumbles after he has found his lips, not caring if she was still talking, not wanting to imagine who or what he might have interrupted, because he cannot afford to wait any second longer.

He is breaking.

“Sure. Now off you go” she encourages with an expelling motion of her hand, and then she slams the door shut behind him. It echoes eerily and deafeningly, the sound chasing Baekhyun to make him leave faster. He starts hyper ventilating. Everything is a blur as Baekhyun rides the elevator down, feeling like the walls will close in on him any moment and he will be crushed. He goes out in the street to find his car, and presses his lips and frowns a lot until his brain remembers where he left it. He hopes he won’t have any accidents on the way, because his head is too dark on the inside and there are some black spots in his vision. He thinks he hears his name, but he can’t be sure right now, maybe it’s the noise. Honestly, his head is spinning, he cannot tell if his steps are too fast or too slow and he doesn’t know how his body functions, when he feels completely blank and overwhelmingly emotional at the same time.

It’s scary. Baekhyun wants to run away.

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a/n. Please don’t kill this poor author! *falls on her knees* I know I broke hearts with this but better days will come soon, I promise! (it can’t get any worse…the next chapter will probably be the end of heavy angst) I didn’t want to depress you before New Year’s so this update got sort of postponed till now. I still feel guilty but, well, it had to be done :/

Moving on -since I haven’t been killed by mourning subbie puppies yet- Happy New Year! May the new year bring you all that you anticipate and wish for! Let’s all be happier this year!

(I’m a little tired right now, so I might will edit this a/n later, but I wanted to update today coz I’m a stubborn kitten For those of you who read this before I finish writing it decently, I love you & thank you noticing this update so soon *hugs* bonus brownie points if you know where the lyrics at the top of the chapter are from huhu^^)