--warning: huuuuuge chapter. no kidding. enjoy!--

Kyungsoo pulls back swiftly and Kai groans unhappily at the sudden loss of lips to torture with his sinful mouth, but they both needed to breathe so, the separation was inevitable, evident in the way they pant to regain proper lung function and how Kyungsoo’s vision is a bit blurry at the edges. He straightens his back a bit, but not too much for fear of falling over Kai’s lap where he is perched, and he holds the other firmly by his shoulders, putting some distance –only a small one– between them. This burning in his blood becomes so intense that it’s frightening sometimes. Hot puffs of breath brush against each other but they don’t mingle, in a silence filled with tension between two bodies.

He dares a glance at Kai’s face which unwillingly becomes a stare. There is only one dim light in the living room, casting a soft glow on the smooth, slightly russet skin, and swathing grey shadows under the curve of his sculpted jaw line. Kyungsoo’s fingers twitch when his gaze falls on the disheveled tufts of chestnut hair, yearning to be buried within the silken locks again, tangling and pulling at them as they please, just like they did a few moments ago. Swollen lips, inviting to be bitten and soothed again, and heavy lidded eyes, burning darkly under the shade of feather lashes, are only a small fragment of Kim Jongin’s smoldering glory and Kyungsoo wants to get closer to him, more and more, engulf him with every fiber of his existence and smother him possessively and adoringly.

And that’s the problem.

What happens when you want something so terrifyingly much? It is almost painful how much Kyungsoo wants Kai, wants to be someone in his life, to act as something more than quirky friends with benefits, when it is excruciatingly clear that this is forbidden. Every time he wished for someone to be special in his life, his heart ended up broken soon after. He doesn’t want the break, he doesn’t want the pain. It’s hard, letting go of your fears, especially when you can feel their vermillion demonic eyes lie in wait for you, always there and ready to pounce, following you in yourself as you carry them in your soul.

He is frightened of what will become of him.

Does he mean something to Kai? Does he mean anything? He has heard confessions before, but they never meant anything; he never meant anything to them. ‘I love you’ has ended up being a hateful, looming omen, a prelude of disaster in Kyungsoo’s life. He has been fooled into chasing after the flimsy shadows of love too many times and he doesn’t know anymore. What is love? Is it affection, care, interest, passion, acceptance, chemistry, promises, understanding, commitment, freedom, or something else entirely? Even if you try to describe it, at the end of the day, it’s none of that; it’s nothing of anything you can think of. Those are mere examples, like the falling apple is only an example of gravity, it’s not gravity itself. How can Kyungsoo understand it?

It’s absolutely terrifying how these thoughts prance in his mind, because he has had them before and it never ended well. He doesn’t want to admit that they are at that stage, only one or two steps before breaking everything and shattering his heart. Of course he has compassion within him, and of course he considers a flimsy chance that Kai means his confessions –it might not seem like it because Kyungsoo has never been one for impression management, but he’s still human and he has faith in humanity –and it is at times like these, when his body is bubbling and his lips are tingling and his eyes are seeing that he is the only thing Kai sees that he wants to say it, too.

But what if this time it will be worse? Stepping blindly into love and caging himself in a relationship with a sentiment he doesn’t comprehend seems like the bane of his existence. What if they start fighting and shouting and throwing things and insults at each other? They won’t know how to get out of something that has no definition in the first place. Would it be better if Kai left his life quietly? Kyungsoo can’t decide if a gunshot or a stab is a better way for his heart to die again. And it will die. It always does. He always breaks.

“I can’t say it” he chokes out, still finding it a bit hard to breathe, because there’s Jongin’s hand creeping on his thigh and tracing promises of pleasure all this while. The latter’s eyes focus on his with a flash of bewilderment, his lips pouting momentarily. There must be something in Kyungsoo’s eyes that makes him understand, and his expression softens. Kyungsoo feels even more blameworthy, because what if Kai means it.

“That’s okay” Kai says in a low hum which doesn’t sound any less encouraging and which doesn’t fail to make Kyungsoo feel even greater pangs of regret for his unworthy existence all these years. He groans and shifts, hauling his body to the side and draping it on the couch, throwing an arm over his eyes to block his view. It’s not okay. If a person can fit all the wretched regret of a lifetime in a heartbeat, Kyungsoo is doing it right now. Kai tangles their legs and leans over him, his hands leaving a ghosting caress over Kyungsoo’s stomach “I can wait for a while” he says softly, kissing Kyungsoo’s tender forearm.

“What happens when my while is over?” he whispers in a voice that he won’t admit how miserably broken it sounded. He knows what happens. It’s not pretty and not pleasant and it ends with him crying in the shower and consuming everything good he has in himself with his own blackness. Kai stills, his breath brushing over Kyungsoo’s skin in steady rhythm.

“You will say it” he decides in a serious voice after a while of silence. He is so confident in me…Kyungsoo can hear it in his voice. Can he not see how messed up Kyungsoo really is? Why is he even staying and trying? Kyungsoo would have dumped himself a long time ago if he were in Kai’s shoes. He doesn’t think people like him have hope. He has been beaten enough from his bad choices to bend, and maybe that’s worse than breaking, because something broken is a sum of its parts while something bent doesn’t even resemble what it once was. He lifts his arm from his eyes to stare at Kai with a raised eyebrow.

“Because I’ll get abducted by unicorns who will stone me with glitter meteors and then I’ll wake up one day and say it?”

“What’s the sarcasm for?” Kai smirks softly and presses his body down on Kyungsoo to slowly peck the corner of his mouth with a warm pair of luscious lips. Kyungsoo’s heart leaps against his chest from the physical contact but he quiets it quickly, keeping himself together even when everything he wants to do it to give in, give his everything to the night of promised pleasures and become a sum of his parts because it feels just right if Kai does it to him.

“For your statement, Jongin.” He accuses with no remorse and then he frowns. Why is he an idiot? Why is he wasting his life with me? “I don’t need you to confirm that, I, somehow some when, will say it. It’s not that simple” he mumbles bitterly and looks away across the room, gazing at the muddy sky outside the window. It’s never simple with him. Kai detaches himself from Kyungsoo and sits up, proceeding to look down at the limp Kyungsoo solemnly.

“What do you need to make it simple then?”

He asks in a stern voice, so much unlike the reaction Kyungsoo expected and therefore catching his attention. He thought Kai would get mad and leave him cold on the couch, but what his eyes meet are two serene and thoughtful eyes that draw him sinking in their depths. His breath hitches because he can see it, he knows, that whatever he asks right now, Kai will do for him. Is that an illusion of love too? But as his gaze drops to the lush lips, passion prevails against his reason, all his thoughts disperse and Kyungsoo doesn’t want anything but those. He lifts his hand slowly and curls it behind Kai’s neck to pull him down with purpose and guide him to his own lips. And somewhere on the way, filled with tension and desire, the passion from minutes ago sparks and ignites, having barely ever left, and there’s fire again when they finally kiss and the world is burning down inside Kyungsoo. He worships Kai’s warm lips and he dances with the twists of his tongue, his heart sending blood too fast in his body as he grabs fistfuls of Kai’s shirt aggressively.

“But there is something here, right?” Kai asks, pulling back breathlessly to give Kyungsoo an intent look. He stays close to Kyungsoo, clouding his thoughts with his lustful gaze, but there is a frown between his eyebrows and his eyes are searching for something inside Kyungsoo’s unfocused eyes. “We’re in this together” Kai insists, and Kyungsoo sighs in surrender. When Kai puts his heart on the line like this, Kyungsoo can’t pretend he can’t see it. He can’t pretend there are no lines; much as he’d rather there weren’t lines in life, who is he to draw the universe?

“Together is a big word” he mumbles, tracing patterns on Kai’s cheek with his index finger and then teasingly outlining Kai’s lips, eliciting a gasp and a shuddered breath from the latter. Kyungsoo smirks proudly, feeling a surge of gratifying power over the taller, and he’s getting bolder, sneaking a hand under the hem of the other’s top to the soft skin above the taught muscles of the other’s stomach, receiving a small tremble. Kai undoubtedly knows all too well why Kyungsoo is smirking, since it is practically written on his face, and he pouts with his plush lips. Kyungsoo can almost hear the reprimand for trying to change the subject and he groans.

“Fine.” He pushes his surrender through his teeth and he cover’s Kai’s mouth with his hand quickly, just to spare himself the sight of the other’s happy grin, which, you guessed it right, he is going to shoot down before it sneaks into his heart, along with every other proof of existence of his idiot on the planet. “But we’re not together. We’re just…trying this out together” Lame much? The difference doesn’t sound too great but it is there. It sounded better in his head.

“What are my chances of getting a more favorable answer out of you?” Kai somehow manages to mumble in a muffled voice behind Kyungsoo’s palm and fingers. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.

“Minus six hundred percent” he bites back, releasing Kai from his hold and leaving him pouting like a kicked puppy in silence for a while, and then he stretches his arms long over his head to rid some knots –but oh, he knows how Kai’s eyes would zero in on his waist arching off the couch seductively, and true enough the taller wets his lips yearningly. Kyungsoo sighs airily and slightly breathlessly, in a way that connotes something else, also sure of the influence it has on Kai, who bites his lips but eyes Kyungsoo’s throat like it will be the next thing to be bitten. “Now shut up already and-”

Kiss me. He doesn’t even have a chance to finish, his sounds sealed and his articulation jumbled by Kai’s demanding lips. Kyungsoo knows that this kiss means end of discussion, because more interesting things come into view, things that make him forget the world and his fears and his name, as Kai unties every concern from his tormented mind and every attachment on his withered body. For now, Kai makes sure he’s thoroughly and pleasurably kissed in every way.

--

Chanyeol opens his eyes lazily, feeling his head a bit heavier than usual but he also feels relieved of his symptoms after a good rest. His body and mind really needed that rest, after such a stressful week. Unfortunately, because of his sickness, he had to cancel his plans with-

Wait.

He can’t see very well in the dark –and, okay, he is a bit scared too, so he wouldn’t risk glancing over anyway– but he has this strange, creeping feeling that he is not alone. There’s something there, but he can’t guess what it is. Instead, he tries to squeeze his fingers slightly and, Jesus Christ, he is really holding someone’s hand! He almost jumps on the bed, disentangling his fingers from the alien hand, a strangled, ridiculously high-pitched squeal leaving his throat, and he scoots a bit further away, holding up the flimsy covers in defense against the unknown; so much for his cool image…

How on earth did another person get in his room?! Living in the city is not safe anymore, not even if you are Park Chanyeol, living twenty floors above the ground, with an excellent alarm system to protect you. He tries to calm down –feeling very violated and trapped inside his own house– and think his situation rationally: if the stranger wanted to kill him or rob him, he would have done that already, right? Unless the person has sadistic tendencies, or what if he was hired by one of the company’s competitors to torture Chanyeol for corporate information and this hired murderer has some twisted plan for Chanyeol in store and, oh my god, Chanyeol is going to die!

Okay, this is not reasonable thinking.

He squints in the darkness, tasting the adrenaline on his tongue, but the lump on the side of his bed stays still. It looks pretty harmless, as a matter of fact. It could be pillows but Chanyeol doesn’t have pillows this big and pillows don’t breathe, thank you very much. If Chanyeol had a puppy to sleep next to him, it would look something like this, he supposes. But Chanyeol doesn’t have a puppy. So what is that thing, breathing and sleeping next to his bed?

Wait a second.

Baekhyun.

Suddenly, Chanyeol remembers it all from last night and a sigh of relief escapes his lips, realizing that he is more than safe in his house, and then soon he is overwhelmed by a tingling feeling of happiness and excitement. Baekhyun is here because Chanyeol asked him to stay; he is a sick person, so he is allowed to have a few moments of poor brain control, okay? It’s not his fault his brain has weird and creepy ideas.

Baekhyun came last night, surprising Chanyeol, but it was a pleasant surprise, because Chanyeol was feeling very depressed in his I’m-sick-and-good-for-nothing blanket cocoon, until he saw that brilliant smile. Admittedly, he contemplated the possibility that he was having hallucinations for a moment. Because stuff like that don’t just ‘happen’. Stuff like everything that followed don’t ‘just happen’ either, but Baekhyun is a kind angel on earth who makes stuff happen. Chanyeol’s heart thundering like crazy against his ribs, flipping and melting might or might not be part of that stuff. Okay, it most definitely is part of that stuff.

A warm feeling spreads inside him, because Baekhyun cares for Chanyeol and his health, because he is a wonderful person and Chanyeol is lucky to know him. Chanyeol can’t help his happy and sweet smile spreading on his face, as he watches Baekhyun sleeping in the half-dark, with one hand extended on the bed; he was holding Chanyeol’s hand all night long –and here goes the strange combination of thundering, flipping and melting in his chest.

A shuffling noise from somewhere in the house alerts Chanyeol and has him on edge again; he is not worried about thieves this time, he knows exactly who it is and it’s not good: the maid who comes every morning to visit him from his father’s house. She usually brings food and wakes him up, then she makes the bed or she leaves right after waking him. She is probably in the kitchen already, but Chanyeol can’t have her in the bedroom, not today. Baekhyun is in here and, if she finds him, it will be awkward for everyone and then she will assume things and she will telltale everything to his father and then his father will do a search on Baekhyun and he will become a burden to him and poor Baekhyun was only trying to help Chanyeol and he doesn’t deserve any of it. Chanyeol has to take action before it’s too late.

He hops quickly off the bed, trying not to make any noise –because if Baekhyun wakes up, he will make his presence known and then Chanyeol will never stand a chance at covering it up in the suspicious spy-eyes of the maid –and rushes to the door. He opens it just enough as to fit through and then closes it silently behind him. He moves quickly away from the door and, just a few steps later, the maid appears in the hallway.

“Good morning, young master. I was just on my way to wake you up” she says and Chanyeol would really like to chide her to keep it down, because someone else might wake up, but that would be conspicuous.

“That won’t be necessary, thank you” he answers quickly, trying to sound normal. His voice is lower and deeper than usual, because it is not as loud this way and because he just woke up, but the maid doesn’t seem to care much about the indication to mind the volume of her voice.

“Very well then…Should I make your bed?”

“No, that won’t be necessary either”

“Do you have any laundry you would like me to take care of?” Why does this woman have to insist today of all days? Chanyeol has not felt so desperate to keep someone out of his room since his teenage ‘uncomfortable’ mornings.

“No, thank you” I don’t need anything, just go away.

“Okay; the food is in the fridge, as always. Is there anything-?”

“No, there isn’t” Chanyeol snaps and starts marching forward, ushering her away. She really needs to leave his house and she really needs to keep her voice down, or she will have the shock of her life, if Baekhyun wakes up and comes out of the bedroom. Never mind Chanyeol’s future by then; he will be doomed.

“Are you all right, young master?” the woman asks, slightly bewildered by Chanyeol’s sudden eagerness to be rid of her. He is usually very indifferent to her presence but he’s civil at least.

“Oh, yes, I am perfectly fine now. I was just a bit sick yesterday and I want to rest” he explains while the woman is putting on her shoes, under his watchful and impatient gaze. He helps her into her coat, losing no time.

“Would you like me to call the doctor?” she asks with mild concern. What is he, a child? He could have called the doctor himself, if he needed to…

“No” I just want to be left alone “I’ll rest a bit and I’ll be fine. Don’t even mention it to my parents; they will get worried over nothing” And if they get worried, they might visit, and now that would be a disaster. “Thank you and have a nice day!” he says, plastering a –probably creepy– smile on his face when the woman is out the door. He doesn’t even wait to see her disappear in the elevator; he just closes the door, locking himself inside his little frontier. Phew, safe.

He stops by the kitchen to have a glass of water. Let’s evaluate the situation. The enemy has been successfully repelled and has withdrawn to their base at least for the rest of the day, so he doesn’t have to worry about that. It is eight thirty on a Saturday morning and he doesn’t have to go to work, which is very auspicious news. He doesn’t feel feverish or dizzy anymore, so it’s pretty safe to say he is not sick anymore. And there is only the Baekhyun situation he has to worry about; but he feels more excited than worried, to be honest. His life is better than expected at this point.

He returns to the bedroom, making his steps as soundless as he can. He knocks on the door lightly before opening it –just in case Baekhyun is awake by now –and then he walks in the dark room. Everything looks just like it was before he left; only Baekhyun has shifted a bit further away from his bed. But Chanyeol doesn’t think Baekhyun is awake, because he would have seen Chanyeol entering the room and he would have said something if he was awake. Chanyeol walks to the side of the room –thankfully, there are not many things his clumsy self could have tripped on and made disastrous clatter –and opens the dark, heavy curtains, revealing a sunny view and a beautiful day outside. Then, he walks back to the bed and sits, covering his legs with the covers again.

He picks a nearby book and opens it randomly on his lap, to have it ready as a prop; he wants to stare at Baekhyun while he is sleeping –yes, he’s a stalker, okay?!–, but it would be uncomfortable if he was caught doing that so shamelessly and openly, so, if Baekhyun looks like he is waking up, Chanyeol can pretend to have been reading all the while, hence the book. He’ll also look smart and chic –who reads in bed nowadays without falling asleep anyway?

Baekhyun is fast asleep in the huge, vintage style upholstered armchair. His knees are curled up close to his chest and his head is resting on the side, his hands crossed on his lap. He looks so small in that armchair and he looks so beautiful in the sunlight. Chanyeol feels like he could stare at him forever; his white, smooth skin, his pink little lips, his cute nose, his eyelashes that almost touch his cheeks. Such childish innocence and cuteness; it somehow makes Chanyeol peaceful too, and, in the same time, it makes his insides spin and dance in happiness. Baekhyun’s breathing is even and slow, his bangs brushing across his forehead. Chanyeol wants to touch him, but that might wake him up, so he just stares instead. He keeps staring for a long, long hour of sleep which comes to an end too soon.

The first sign that Baekhyun is waking up is a cute little sneeze. Chanyeol has to try very hard to contain his laughter, which might have been a giggle; but then he panics. What should he do? Should he pretend to read the book inconspicuously? Should he wait for Baekhyun to open his eyes and say good morning? Oh, god, what should he do?! Would it be better if it looks like he noticed Baekhyun waking up or would it be more comfortable to act surprised when he sees him awake? He looks around frantically for a while, as if the answer is lost somewhere on the sheets.

“Wow” Baekhyun’s voice sounds then, endearingly laced with sleep. Chanyeol turns to him abruptly and smiles innocently, still feeling slightly panicked, but Baekhyun is looking outside the open window, rubbing the corner of his eye with his fist, like a little child. Then, he opens his eyes wide and blinks, his eyes sparkling in the morning sun. “You have a pool in your house!” he exclaims cutely. Chanyeol follows his gaze to the veranda, which might be bigger than the bedroom even, and indeed there is a pool there, glinting in the sunlight, making the view even prettier.

“Well, technically, it’s not inside the house, but yes, I do have a pool” he admits sheepishly. He likes it for the view mostly, but he also takes a swim when the weather is nice. He feels strange about showing his house to Baekhyun; on the one hand, he is afraid that Baekhyun will get scared with the amount of money invested in Chanyeol’s luxurious apartment and that he will feel bad for his own smaller –though cuter –apartment, but, on the other hand, he wants to show Baekhyun everything he sees every day, everything he lives around and everything he likes inside his house, like this view for example.

A small silence ensues; Chanyeol doesn’t want to bombard Baekhyun with questions and small talk, considering the latter just woke up, and he just waits for Baekhyun to say something, anything, whatever he is comfortable with. God knows his tongue is itching in his mouth though.

“I couldn’t see it last night, but your bedroom is really nice” is what Baekhyun finally says. He doesn’t sound scornful, scared or embarrassed, not even surprised, and somehow that makes Chanyeol feel more comfortable. It feels like Baekhyun is accepting his extravagant world well.

--

“Soo?” Kyungsoo knows it, he is not as close to his sleep as he would like anymore, but he doesn’t open his eyes or tune into his surroundings acutely; just for a little while longer, he wants to keep an illusion of sleep. Apparently, Kai has different plans. Kyungsoo feels small kisses behind his ear and on his shoulder; they tingle slightly and they make his skin feel oddly sensitive. “Soo? Wake up, it’s eleven”

Kyungsoo lets out an incoherent mumble and pulls the pillow under his head just a little bit closer, trying to demonstrate that he is not sleeping exactly but he is awake enough, so that Kai can release him. Whenever Kai takes it upon himself to wake Kyungsoo up, he always makes sure to hold him as close as he can; Kyungsoo is not very comfortable with waking up to someone who is positively wrapped around you though. He has tried many things –‘accidentally’ hitting Kai, telling him to let go, trying to wiggle away, pretending to move away in his semi-slumber –but Kai always comes back with determination and gets a hold of him again. Kyungsoo seriously doesn’t understand this man sometimes.

“Will you wake up?” Kai has a smile in his voice now, Kyungsoo can tell. He cranes his neck and kisses him on the nose, leaving a tickling feeling, like when you are about to sneeze, which Kyungsoo wipes away on the pillow, keeping his eyes closed.

“It’s Saturday” he mumbles in a voice heavy with sleep. He is allowed to sleep in on a Saturday, right?

“Yeah, I know, but I want to talk to you about something” Kai caresses his hair and leaves a kiss on his temple –so much affection this early in the morning is making Kyungsoo uncertain as to how he wants to respond. He is not used to it, so he shies away on instinct, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t like it at all either. “Are you awake? Can we talk now?” Kai asks and Kyungsoo buries his face in the pillow.

“Talk” he orders, his voice muffled by the feathers. He is awake, so Kai can talk, but he shouldn’t expect much from Kyungsoo as feedback; the face-planting on the pillow is a clear indicator of that.

“Okay” Kai agrees –and may just Kyungsoo note how he has yet to find an effective enough way to shoot Kai’s optimism and determination down “So, do you recall, at the movie we were watching last night, that couple? They looked pretty happy, right? So, I was thinking, how about we did the same? We would be just as happy, don’t you think?”

Kyungsoo processes that for a moment. Yes, they watched a movie last night; Kai dragged him all the way to the movie theatre and then Baekhyun left, that deserter, and then they were alone. The movie had a pretty standard, cliché love story, lost somewhere in the explosions and martial arts exhibitions, if Kyungsoo remembers well –and no person should have to remember so early in the morning, when the better part of your brain is still producing nonsensical images.

So, what does the idiot mean by saying ‘how about we did the same’? Kyungsoo motions vaguely with his hand for Kai to keep talking. He needs more information. The couple did like a million things during those two hours, from exchanging chocolates and teddy bears to fighting and crashing their car…

“Vacation, Kyungsoo. How about we go on vacation?” Kai explains calmly. That sure was straightforward. Kyungsoo’s head snaps up from the pillow and he stares at Kai. What did he just say?

“Vacation?” he asks for confirmation. Kai smiles, his lips very close, too close, to Kyungsoo, and nods happily. Kyungsoo tilts his head further away and gives him a curious look. “No.” he answers and lets his head fall back on the pillow.

“What? Why not?!” Kai pipes up and moves on with his reasoning while trying to turn Kyungsoo on his back “Look, I’ve thought about it and I think it is a great idea. We can go later, in the summer let’s say, so work won’t be a problem. And I have the perfect destination in mind; I’m sure you’ll love it!” Kai smiles widely. Kyungsoo, who is now lying on his back, huffs in exasperation; it’s too early in the morning to argue with the idiot about his crazy ideas.

“It’s not about the destination” he explains, trying not to show his irritation much “It’s about the whole concept. Trust me, you don’t want to go on vacation with me”

“Uh, yes I do” Kai insists, pouting stubbornly. Oh, boy. Kyungsoo lets out a long, tired sigh. It’s really too early in the morning for this.

“Look, Jongin, I have my issues, remember? We both know that. I’m far from being a completely normal person; I’m barely an averagely tolerable person. So, it’s okay if we meet every once in a while, or if we spend a few hours together in a day –issues are under control and I can function, so we can have fun together. But spending a whole day with me? Or spending days with me? That’s completely different. It is infinitely more difficult and less pleasant, let me tell you. I will annoy you, you will annoy me, we will fight, we will make up and think everything is okay, until we fight again and one of us becomes tired enough to end the horrible suffer of our days together, even though we were supposed to be having fun. So, I’d rather we didn’t go through this, thank you very much”

“But that is what I want, Kyungsoo; I want the ‘days with you’” Kai says calmly and looks at him straight in the eyes with an innocent and steady gaze which no, doesn’t make Kyungsoo feel on the verge of blushing. “I want to wake up with you like this and not have to let go of you later during the day. I want to see the same things you see and hear the same things you hear. I want to see what makes you laugh and what you look like when you are bored. I want to hear your thoughts and I want to adjust myself to fit into your reality. I know it won’t be easy, but I want to do it. That is why I suggested we go somewhere on vacation. If we do, we won’t have things to be stressed about, and obligations, and people who might see us; we will see each other in the best possible situation. There is a greater chance to like each other in that setting, you know. And we can do things together, depend on each other, observe each other; that’s what I want”

“Jongin” Kyungsoo cups the other’s face with one hand, in what might be considered affection, even from him “I think that what you want is beautiful; really, I do. But I am not good with all these things. I’m…damaged, when it comes to close relationships. All those things sound wonderful to share. But they scare the hell out of me! I can’t do these things! I am not made for them, nor do I deserve them. And you don’t deserve to be so disappointed. So I must say no, I’m sorry”

Kai stares at him for a few seconds, pressing his lips in thought. Kyungsoo doesn’t like the fact that he has to turn his offer down so absolutely, but it is better than giving him hope and then putting him through all that disappointment later.

“How about a try-out vacation?” he offers then and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes; he seriously doesn’t ever give up, does he? “No, wait, hear me out. Leave the whole summer-vacation-idea aside for now. We could go on a shorter vacation, for only a few days, just to see what it is like to live in the same house for a weekend, let’s say. We don’t have to wait until summer; we can go as soon as the weather becomes warmer in spring. And we don’t have to go far away; let’s just go somewhere close. We can bring friends too, if you want; it will be like those high school field trips. Nothing too extravagant or too binding; it’s just to see how things work. And then we can decide about the summer. It’s a fair deal, right? You won’t have to worry as much, and I can see what it’s like to live with you, and it’s only for a weekend; if it doesn’t work out, we will put the vacation-idea on hold for as long as we need to”

Kyungsoo gives Kai a dubious look. Is he being serious? He looks like he is serious. He looks very optimistic and hopeful about it, too. But Kyungsoo is almost certain that, if Kai spends a few days with him, Kyungsoo will eventually drive him away, just like he did with everyone else. He made everyone before Kai leave him, and why wouldn’t Kai do the same? It’s obviously Kyungsoo’s fault, he just haven’t found it yet.

But he is not entirely certain. Kai might, just might, stay. Maybe what he is suggesting is not too bad. The time is short, it’s not extravagant, there are no obligations or expectations, and there can be friends included –if it all goes wrong, Kyungsoo can anchor on Baekhyun until it will be over. It’s a good deal. So, maybe, Kyungsoo can say yes to this offer. Hypothetically and in perfect rationality. Just maybe. And Kai would be very happy if he said yes. Admittedly, Kyungsoo would be somewhat happy, too. So…

--

“Um…good morning” Luhan appears by the kitchen door, shuffling his feet. He looks pretty well groomed; he must have taken a shower earlier.

“Good morning” Sehun answers with a casual smile. He notices Luhan’s dark blue t-shirt and his washed out jeans –the most casual clothes Sehun has ever seen him in –and then he glances at his own attire –black jeans and a white button-down shirt. He is slightly overdressed, but, oh well, he didn’t have anything to change into since last night.

“How was your sleep?” Luhan asks politely, moving around Sehun to sit at the kitchen table. He looks a bit stiff, but Sehun guesses it’s somewhat natural, since he is having a guest in his house. His house is very nice, by the way, simple and clean, organized and quiet, just like Luhan himself.

“It was…good” Sehun decides that this small lie won’t hurt.

His sleep wasn’t good; he is just too tall for Luhan’s couch and his back is hurting like he is triple his years old, but he can handle the pain; it’s not worse than falling asleep on your desk over your books, an experience he has had once or twice when he was studying at university.

“Good” Luhan nods once and the starts tapping his fingers on the table nervously; maybe he can read through that lie. Or, he can definitely read through that lie; but he doesn’t show it either way.

“I could have gone home last night you know” Sehun points out. Luhan’s fingers seize their beat.

“It was late and after what happened, it wouldn’t be the responsible thing of me to do; that’s why I told you to sleep on the couch” Luhan retorts quickly; just like he did last night.

“You don’t have to feel so responsible of me. Sure, I am a little younger, but I am old enough to take care of myself” It has not gone unnoticed to Sehun how Luhan is always very protective of him and concerned. He is not that old himself though; he is young and he can make bad decisions, irrational decisions, and he doesn’t have to worry about others and about the right and responsible thing to do all the time.

“I’m older and I still can’t take care of myself” he mumbles, frowning and lowering his gaze to the table. Sehun understands that he is referring to the incident from last night and he keeps a minute’s silence.

It was pure luck that Sehun happened to stroll by. It was after another failed date that his friends arranged for him, and he was heading home –and, okay, maybe he was a bit lost, but he is not one to fret over such things –and he recognized Luhan from across the street only because he was standing so close to the street lamp. Sehun has a fair amount of insight sometimes, and he could see how that old man –because a moustache makes you an old man by definition –was approaching Luhan with ethically dubious intentions, so he decided to say hello; and he ended up saving Luhan in the process. He has to admit it, it was fun playing superman.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks, trying to be friendly and keeping in mind how Baekhyun hyung handles these delicate psychological situations. Luhan seemed pretty shaken last night and Sehun can’t blame him; he was almost attacked by a stranger.

“Not particularly…” he shakes his head, and then he looks up angelically “But Sehun, thank you, for helping me out. It was a bit stupid of you to interfere in such a dangerous situation –actually, it was very stupid of you –but you really helped. And, I’m sorry you had to…um…say those things…” Luhan bites his lips and a soft rosy color appears behind his cheeks.

“What things?” Sehun teases him, sliding his hands in his pockets casually. Luhan grows an even deeper shade of pink; it’s a color that Sehun, unexpectedly, enjoys on him.

“You know, that…about you and I…about us being, erm, boyfriends…” Luhan mumbles, stumbling over almost every word, keeping his eyes focused on his hands. It’s cute, in a way. Sehun smiles and walks closer to the table.

“Oh that…Well, it’s nothing. I thought you were going to apologize about the kiss though” he teases, watching Luhan becoming brilliant pink. Sehun is kind of proud of that: he planted a second kiss on Luhan’s lips. And he is not even trying, it’s just his opportunities, they keep coming, and he is not stupid enough to ignore them; Luhan has adorable lips.

“Well, about that kiss” Luhan creases his eyebrows strictly, glaring at Sehun “I think we should forget about it. And we should not do it again. I mean, it has already happened twice and I don’t like those numbers. Let’s just erase everything in the past and try to refrain from it in the future, at all cost” Sehun lets out a laugh, entertained by Luhan’s little standoff.

Sehun is not planning to become stupid in the future though.

“Why do we need to make a deal about that?” he asks vaguely after Luhan has calmed down. Luhan slowly regains his normal color.

“You’re right, I guess. How many circumstances will require us to kiss in the future anyway?”

Sehun leaves the question unanswered. Luhan can think whatever he wants from Sehun’s former question; it was noncommittal and vague. Instead of having to look at Luhan without a response, he walks to the cupboard and takes out a mug, filling it with coffee he made earlier. He sets it on the table and picks the plate with the French toast he cooked earlier, placing it in front of Luhan, who looks at him with round, surprised eyes.

“What is all this?” he asks in disbelief.

“Breakfast” Sehun answers casually. He thought Luhan would be hungry when he woke up, because he didn’t have any dinner last night either, so he decided to make some breakfast. Luhan didn’t have many ingredients to work with, so it’s nothing spectacular, but it is food and it is tasty, so it will do.

“How did you find everything?” Luhan asks bewildered. Sehun shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. Everything was easy to find in the kitchen, because Luhan is so organized. And Sehun is not so shy about being in other people’s houses, so he searched around a bit –as long as nothing is broken or damaged, it is fine. His intentions were good either way. “Won’t you have some?” Luhan asks, looking up at him from the chair he has been sitting on.

“No, I have to go” he declines politely. He has to go home, take a shower and change, and then he has plans with some friends who will be looking for him very annoyingly if he runs late. Before he goes though… “But, Luhan, about that kiss” Luhan frowns, irritated, looking up at him.

“Before you say anything further, let me remind you that I am older and I have very strongly advised you to forget it”

“But I don’t want to” Sehun flutters his eyelashes innocently. Luhan blushes slightly, while still managing to look angry.

“You little rascal-”

Sehun stops him by bending down and kissing him, not quite on the lips. He makes sure to miss the mark teasingly and only half of his lips touch on Luhan’s, the rest landing on his cheek. It’s an effective way to make Luhan stop talking and he freezes pretty conveniently too. So Sehun takes his time, making the kisses he has planned on Luhan two and a half, and then he pulls back with a smile. Luhan looks frozen, his eyes opened wide and his cheeks pink. Sehun wants to lean back down and take those lips again, appropriately for once, but that would probably scare Luhan, so he refrains from it. For now.

“Kissing you is fun” he says casually with a smile and then he strolls cheerfully out of Luhan’s apartment, leaving him petrified in his seat.

--

Baekhyun gazes down at the huge chasm which ends with a road on its floor, where expensive cars that Kyungsoo dreams of are parked on both sides. The trees and bushes that are planted on the pavements look like green sprinkles from up here, giving a luxurious, classy and environmentally-friendly feel to the neighborhood. He lifts his eyes higher. The building across the street is not as tall, so it doesn’t block the view of the city buildings ahead. This part of the city is nice and modern and the buildings are clean and modern as well, with patches of green on some roof gardens, a large park on the side, skyscrapers made of glass that glints in the sunlight and fluffy white clouds travelling lazily above the sea of people and city life. It all must be very stressful for those people, but the stress doesn’t reach up here; it looks very distant and dazzling, like the ocean.

Baekhyun sighs, breathing in the air which is slightly warm under the brilliant sun, and walks along the glass and metal railing of the veranda, trailing his fingers on the barrier. It is very nice up here. There are many corners of green bushes and small trees, flower beds with small blooms, pots with various aromatic herbs and pretty flowers that bloom all year, and there is also a pool. Baekhyun was more than shocked at first, when he woke up to the sight of a beautiful pool, glinting in the sunlight right outside the bedroom glass doors, like the pictures one sees on vacation magazines; but then again, it’s Chanyeol’s house, so maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised. He just has to remind himself that ‘just Chanyeol’ is also Park Chanyeol, and his life is bound to be more extravagant than average; and if Baekhyun would like to stay as a small part of this life, he should start accepting that fact.

He walks closer to the pool side. It is still hard to believe that such a small paradise exists on the twentieth floor of a luxurious, yet normal-looking building in the middle of the city. How did little field mouse Byun Baekhyun stumble upon such luck to see this place in his lifetime? He sits by the pool side, wrapping his arms around his calves, and rests his chin on his knees, gazing contently at the water. The surface is very smooth, wrinkled occasionally by small breezes, reflecting parts of the green plants on the veranda and the blue sky, mixing the color of the clear sky with the azure blue of the pool tiles. Watching the glints and shimmers of the sun on the water, Baekhyun sighs again, feeling peaceful, sunny and happy.

He is not supposed to be out here, really, but he couldn’t resist the invitation of such a beautiful place and the view. After he woke up, Chanyeol offered him a shower and, since Baekhyun didn’t have one last night, he accepted the offer. The bathroom of Chanyeol’s bedroom was another big surprise for Baekhyun, because it is bigger than Baekhyun’s bedroom and bathroom put together. Chanyeol showed him everything he needed to know before leaving him to his business, warning him that he would be in the kitchen, so if Baekhyun needed anything he probably wouldn’t hear. It’s strange how every warning works in reverse in Chanyeol’s house…

Baekhyun took his time in the shower, feeling like he was suddenly blessed with free vacation to the most luxurious hotel in the world, and, since Chanyeol wouldn’t hear anyway from all the way far to the kitchen of the huge apartment, Baekhyun even hummed a few songs cheerfully. He then changed into the jeans he was wearing last night –because anything from Chanyeol would be ridiculously long on him –but he wore a hoodie that Chanyeol gave him, because his shirt was too wrinkled to be considered presentable in his neat-freak opinion. The hoodie is a bit large on him, the hem hanging all the way to the mid of his thighs and the sleeves covering his hands to the tips of his fingers, but it is really warm and soft, so Baekhyun likes it. The garment smells clean and fresh and like Chanyeol’s clothes –there is not a particular name for that last scent, but it is a very distinct and unique scent for Baekhyun– and Baekhyun himself smells a little like Chanyeol, like expensive soap and fresh, classy cologne; it’s not his usual strawberries and vanilla scent, or his cookie scented hand cream, but he likes this change. After he finished with his shower, he snuck back into the bedroom and then he slipped out on the veranda to enjoy the view, without announcing anything to Chanyeol; even if he’d wanted to, he doesn’t know the way to the kitchen in the first place.

“So there you are” Chanyeol appears by the glass doors out of thin air, surprising Baekhyun a little; but it’s a pleasant surprise in any case. The taller leans on the side of the open doors, crossing his arms in front of his white cotton blouse. Even in his grey sweat pants, with his hair simply brushed and with no accessories whatsoever, he looks like a super model, all tall and lean and angel-gorgeous and perfect. Wait a minute; brain, what was all this just now?!

“I’m sorry” Baekhyun rises from the ground hastily, feeling nervous like a child who has been caught with their hand in the cookie jar “I know I shouldn’t have come out here without asking, and I really wanted to tell you, but I don’t know which way the kitchen is, and you wouldn’t hear me if I called, and it was so sunny out here, so I was just-”

“Don’t worry about that” Chanyeol assures him, waving his hand dismissively and putting on a small smile on his lips. Baekhyun closes his half-open mouth, because no, that flexor just now was not impressive, and nods.

“You are very lucky to wake up to such a beautiful view every day” he says to distract himself, glancing around once again.

“I’ve gotten used to it, to be honest” Chanyeol admits sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders.

“Do you ever swim?” Baekhyun tries to keep his smile steady and not let it falter from the exquisite imagery of Chanyeol swimming which comes to his mind with his question. Oh, brain…Chanyeol steps out on the sunlit veranda, hiding his hands in his pockets.

“Well, yes, I do; if the weather is nice, and if I am not too hungry for breakfast, and if I have time, and if I am not visiting my family, and if I am done with my work…” he ponders, glancing up at the sky with a smile that seems remotely sad. That is a lot of ‘if’s Baekhyun thinks…Then Chanyeol suddenly turns his gaze back to Baekhyun. “Speaking of breakfast, it’s ready”

“You made breakfast?” Baekhyun asks incredulous.

“As I have pointed out in the past, I can cook” Chanyeol says stubbornly with a cute childish pout, crossing his arms in front of his chest again. Baekhyun smiles at his reaction; of course Chanyeol can cook, it’s just that Baekhyun never expected to be treated so nicely, as to have someone cook breakfast for him and host him so politely and comfortably. It feels like he is being taken care of –it feels like he is receiving royal treatment –and he hasn’t felt that in many, many years, even before he left home.

“Okay then; I’m coming” he concedes with a smile and starts for the door, but Chanyeol motions him to stop with a very serious expression on his face.

“Oh no, Mr. Baekhyun, there are rules in this house” he says in a serious voice. At the sound of the deep timbre in Chanyeol’s strict remark, Baekhyun cowers like a child. Is this because he came out on the veranda without asking for permission? He knew he shouldn’t have done that... “In this house, you don’t just ‘go to breakfast’” Chanyeol continues, retreating subtly to the door. Baekhyun continues to stare at him, frozen. Then, suddenly, Chanyeol flashes a wide smile, one of those that make him look like an angel on earth. “Breakfast comes to you”

It takes Baekhyun a few moments to understand that Chanyeol was just playing with him earlier, and in that time, Chanyeol disappears in the apartment and comes back out, carrying a tray with breakfast dishes, from sweet strawberries and yoghurt to scrambled eggs and crisp bacon. Baekhyun continues to stare in awe while Chanyeol sets everything on the table –of a beautiful garden furniture set, allocated a bit further away from the pool on the pale yellow bricks of the floor –, even a small vase with a single flower from the garden; when did he get that? After he is done setting the table like a professional, Chanyeol turns to Baekhyun with a wide grin.

“Breakfast is served” he announces and pulls out a chair for Baekhyun, who is starting to feel like royalty. He walks closer reluctantly, allowing Chanyeol to accommodate him and trying to ignore how his skin tickles when he feels a whiff of Chanyeol’s breath over his shoulder.

“You didn’t have to do all this” Baekhyun says, watching Chanyeol take a seat across from him.

“Yes, I did. It is the first time I have you as a guest, so I have to take good care of you” he answers with a steady, brilliant smile “Besides, I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me last night”

“I didn’t do much last night; I only kept you some company” Baekhyun reminds him with a curious look. Do flu pills mess with your memory besides your sleep? Chanyeol blinks a couple of times before answering.

“Well, apparently, that’s all the care I needed because look at me, yey, I am much better today!” he decides and Baekhyun smiles in response. Chanyeol doesn’t entirely make sense, but it is cute.

--

Luhan thinks this is a very nice place. The sea waves crush subtly on the shore, one following the other, dissolving into foam soon after they embrace each other. The beach stretches for as far as the eye can see, and then there is the endless sea and sky, colored by the setting sun. The travelling clouds have wonderful amberoid and crimson hues, some on the far west seem pale lilac and pink, while the centre of it all is colored a rich golden color, where the sun is hiding behind the clouds. The sea acts like a beautiful glinting mirror to the sky, except for the waves near the shore that sparkle with every color, creating rainbows and mist. The breeze is soft and warm, sneaking inside Luhan’s loose clothes, caressing his skin and making him shiver. The ocean smells so nice and relaxing, the sound it makes is like music to his ears. This is the most perfect place on earth.

But Luhan is not alone. Strong arms are wrapped around him and a warm, solid body is pressed against him. Luhan has imagined every inch of this body, which is covered by white linen clothes. Those smart, brown eyes, that make him feel like he is becoming soft and small, look at him adoringly under the shade of long lashes and beautifully arched brows; that skin, which looks whiter than ice and smoother than marble, is glowing in the sunlight gloriously; those lips, soft and pink, are stretched in a beautiful smile, so mature and peaceful, so happy and adorable. Luhan brushes the bangs away from the man’s forehead and then he traces softly his sharp jaw line with his fingers. It feels wonderful in the man’s arms, safe and perfect, like he belongs there, like he is home. This is the most perfect person on earth.

“I only want you in my life, Luhan” Sehun says softly, making Luhan blush hotter than the warm breeze against his cheeks. Then he leans down for a kiss, a slow, loving, sweet kiss, which has Luhan’s heart jumping happily in his chest. He closes his eyes in bliss and locks his arms around the taller’s neck, pulling him closer. He feels Sehun tightening his hold on him in response. When feeling Sehun’s lips between his own and tasting his sweet lips with his tongue, time stops, and this becomes the most perfect moment on earth. The place, the person, the moment; everything is perfect. At least, on this earth, in this lifetime, for Luhan, it is perfect…

With a sudden jolt, Luhan wakes up, gripping the bed sheets. Cold sweat is running down his spine and he feels like he is surrounded by something indefinable and monstrous, something scary and threatening. He tries to make his breathing normal again, or else he feels like he might faint soon. He starts counting to ten, over and over, until he synchronizes with the seconds that the clock is ticking and his breathing is even. He glances around and he recognizes his room, drenched in darkness, familiarly and safely. The world doesn’t seem so scary and threatening anymore; everything around him looks normal, human, usual and non-threatening. He sighs in relief. He must look like someone insane, almost giving himself a heart attack in the middle of the night with his ghost fears, while the rest of the world is soundly sleeping. His mind is so messed up. What the hell was this dream?

He gets off from the bed which feels uninviting for some reason. He paces around inside his bedroom, muttering things, calming his breath, soothing himself and reassuring his mind. He has had nightmares like this one before, only they were not entirely the same. The place was a bit more undefined and duller to the senses, the person had a different face and he was more familiar, and the moment was horrible, turning everything in his dream into a soul-wrecking nightmare. In those nightmares, when his eyes met with those of Kris, the latter slapped him hard across the face and shouted at him to ‘go away, leave me the hell alone!’.

He knew where those nightmares came from; it was due to his bad relationship with Kris. They used to be very close to each other, both being Chinese, away from home, studying at the same university; but their relationship went downhill. It started so naturally, that Luhan could not pinpoint a specific trigger in their four year long relationship that did the damage; they started to grow apart, but they were forcing themselves to stick together, because they were committed to each other very deeply. They felt linked and molded together, they had happy moments, amazing bedroom, plans for the future; but the things that divided them spiraled out of control very quickly and effortlessly. Luhan tried to keep them from splitting several times, but in the end it was him who couldn’t stay in that relationship; he was being treated poorly, he didn’t have the room to express himself and he was not met with any understanding to his needs or any reciprocation to his efforts. No matter how painful it was, he had to break up with Kris. That’s when he started having those nightmares, full of guilt and bitterness for his old relationship –the only one ever since, because he found out that it is easier for him if he is alone.

But now, this dream, it looked like that nightmare but it was nothing like it! It was a dream, one of those with rose-colored hues and romance; like teenage, silly, romantic dreams that make your heart flutter and your head swoon. Where did that come from? How did Sehun get in the picture? Why did Sehun feel like this, why did he feel so right in his dream? For Christ’s sake, he hasn’t even seen Sehun in two weeks! There is obviously no comparison between Sehun and Kris either. And it’s not like Luhan loves the kid; sure, the kid is a genius, he is likable, funny, steadfast, and hot as hell, but that doesn’t mean Luhan is in love with him or anything. It doesn’t make Luhan any prouder to admit it, but his attraction to Sehun is strictly physical –oh, my god, he is such a ; Sehun is just an innocent kid, a kid…Be that as it may, Sehun is a friend and, maybe Luhan’s ‘naughty’ dreams about him are somewhat justified in the fact that Sehun is se*y and Luhan has not get laid in a very long time, but there is not any justification for this romantic sort of dream.

Sehun doesn’t belong there.

Luhan’s head is messed up. He should just forget about this dream altogether.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a/n. Hello! *waves frantically* How are you my awesome subbies? Still alive, I hope, because does it spell D-A-T-E on the horizon? Huhuhu we’ll find out next time~ (I’m such a tease) There was a bit of everything in this, I hope I’m making everyone happy!

Kaisoo are steamy & adorable and I don’t even know how I do that! First time Seductive Soo ever!*-*Kai is of the ‘nihil est in intellectu quod non prius in sensu’ approach *gets stoned for using fancy Latin*(I’m just trying to urge you into a broader education you guys)But now you know what Kyungsoo thinks of Kai saying the ‘L’ word(your wish is my command *bows*)and of Kai in his life in general. Let’s make a sticker note about vacation plans, shall we? You can google perfect rationality and then a whole new concept (of economic psychology) behind the obvious will unravel.

Chanyeol being a prince for Baekhyun –admittedly, a prince with awkward stalker tendencies, but oh well, love will be love Now Chanyeol knows what Baekhyun looks like when he’s sleeping & Baekhyun knows what the world looks like from the twentieth floor –and let’s pretend that physics don’t say that it is bound to be windy up there. The veranda might make a comeback in the future, but I liked the idea of a view like that anyway, so I added it. Did you notice the domestic details? (can’t help myselfffff)

Who knew Sehun counted kisses? Maybe he’s a bit more interested in Luhan than you’ve noticed…Are we getting out of the friend-zone or what?! XD The setting for Luhan’s dream was inspired by a painting in my parents’ bedroom & his breakup with Kris is something completely normal, nothing too dramatic, because relationships sometimes end naturally like that. Now you know part of Luhan’s past! You also know part of Luhan’s present, because there’re these guys, Freud & Jung, and oh how they love dreams, the subconscious & defense mechanisms…

Enough with the psycho mumble-jumble, I’ll stop. Thank you for subscribing & commenting & for even caring to read this story! I love you all! kitty~