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Title: If live is so fair, why do roses have thorns?

Author: Jaemin1804

Title

“If life is so fair, why do roses have thorns?”

The title is truly entrancing. However, it is a little too long. A long title is not necessarily a bad thing – it can most certainly work in your favor. In your scenario though, it seems to create clutter rather than chatter since both parts are equally captivating. Think of it this way, there can only be one tiger on a mountain. Two tigers, is possible, but let’s try to avoid that.
Another thing that I would like to highlight is that while roses can be seen as a symbol of beauty and love, thorns do not have such a ‘nice’ meaning. Most of the time, the thorns of a rose symbolizes imperfection or trials. Thus, if people analyze the title, you will have two conflicting ideas.
Perhaps the picture would be clearer if I rephrased it: “How can life be fair if even beauties have to suffer”. I don’t know, but it doesn’t’t sound very logical to me.
What I would suggest is splitting the title into two parts and has one as the main title, and the other as an alternate title. This way, you can still keep the two ideas without them conflicting each other since they are separated from each other.

Foreword/Description

Description:
I have mixed reactions for your Description. While I love the part under the red words, I am not fond of the ‘storyline’. It reveals wayyyyyyy too much details and also pose a problem for you.
Generally, I tend to frown upon the practice of injecting a character chart into the Foreword/Description as it tends to hinder the story’s progress. For instance rather than saying that ‘you’ (I presume would be Kristine) are popular in the Description, why not describe how people would flock to her naturally and exchange greetings. Or perhaps how people would look out for her and strike conversations with her. This is what we call ‘don’t say it, show it’ and it will greatly enhance your story as it will boost the amount of details that go into it.
I however, find that with the proper formatting, the paragraph under the red words would make a perfect Foreword. It does not reveal too much neither is it too vague. It have just enough ‘skin’ exposed to seduce the reader into reading it without revealing your most valuable assets. So definitely, I would say that I favour the latter paragraph!
Foreword:
Now in times where the word ‘plagiarism’ can be so loosely used, it is best that you give credit to the original author. This quote – “but he who dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose” – I’m sure it is not originated from you. In fact, just a simple Google Search has told me that this line is from a poem “The Narrow Way” by Anne Bronte. I’m not trying to put you down, but please take note to this. I don’t want you to be wrongly accused of stealing another’s work.
Initially, when I first read through the Foreword, I did not get it and was tempted to pass a simple judgement and say that it was a bunch of phrases strung together with no meaning. HOWEVER, after re-reading it like ten times (no, literally. I read the Foreword TEN times) I finally realize the hidden genius in this piece of Foreword. And what makes me so sad is that this is not apparent unless you really focus and take in every single word of it. It is such a pity – it really is!
Why do I say so? Well, simply because the formatting does not do it justice. When writing this type of passages, it is best to start each phrase on a new line. Example:
The thought of hurting you will never sit well,
Retracing my life to where I slipped and fell,
Emotional scars that show through my expressions,
Tearing my heart from within by past confessions.
Don’t you agree that this is so much better? Not only does it LOOK better, it also transforms the meaning. ‘Cause believe it or not, the way we format stuff will reflect how the reader reads it. Your original way of formatting does not do your Foreword justice as when the reader reads it, it will not make sense. But if you follow the above formatting, the way the reader reads it will change, and this change will allow the reader to look at it from a different perspective and grasp the meaning behind it. Definitely re-look into your Foreword! It has immense potential! <3

Appearance

In terms of text, it is really good. Both the font and the text size were decent, readable and standard throughout the story. The only thing about this segment would be the lengths of certain paragraphs. However, I think it is probably only right to disclose that although some paragraphs are indeed too long, they are usually sparse in details and more dialogue-heavy.
Other than paragraphs and the fonts, something that I would like to comment on is the POVs. I understand that at the start of the chapter, there is a sub poster that mentions whose POV it is in. It is a novel idea; however it seems impractical as not everybody would pay attention to the sub-poster. Rather, it would be more effective to just type it out at the start of the chapter who’s POV this is in.
Second thing that I am a bit quizzical about is why are there blanks at where Kristine/Kimberly’s name? I mean this is not an ‘insert your name’ story, the 2 female leads have a name so why aren’t they being mentioned in the dialogue?

Plot

For the plot, I am rather lukewarm to it, well I am leaning more to the not-liking it side. I think this plot has two sides of it – as there are two POVs running concurrently. While one’s POV is interesting and actually promising, the other was bland and really lacks the charm
So in this story, we have twins – Kristine (the attention seeking ) and Kimberly (the goody goody two shoes). Kristine naturally would have a more interesting and unique plot as she is a character that we rarely see being the main character. Usually these kinds of characters are dumped in the side-lines to be the protagonist’s nemesis or something along this line. But never have they been placed under the spot light. So for Kristine, I am actually really interested to see how things will go for her. Would she get Eli or would she get Kiseop?  Or will she get none – because who likes a ? It is interesting and I am pretty sure that I will be unable to guess who Kristine will end up with. She can end up with somebody, but she can also end up with none.
However, Kimberly… her part of the story really bored me. She plays the typical hardworking heroine. A love triangle is formed, and gosh it is just so boring. Kimberly is guaranteed to be paired up with somebody – it is either Eli or Kiseop. Like, I’m sorry Kevin, but you are out of the game.
Okay, I am going to digress so bad… So I will summarize it, Kimberly’s plot bored me. However, while Kristine makes me sick, her plot looks really promising.

Grammar
Fairly unstable.
Punctuations are generally okay, other than the problematic hyphen. I have realized that you tend to have the most problem with hyphens, so do be extra careful when you are using one!
Also, your tenses tend to be a little unstable. It occasionally switch from past to present, so definitely be more cautious when handling them.
I can’t really say much about your grammar as there is very sparse details.
To view a partial detailed breakdown of this component, you may go to this link: https://www.dropbox.com/s/hxm9j5et0wn8yab/If%20life%20is%20so%20fair_Jaemin1804.docx?dl=0

Flow

I got to say that with two alternating POVs both running concurrently, things can get pretty daunting and even bordering along confusing. However truth to be told, this story was kind of easy to follow – which is cool. Even though the chapters were short, the content is just nice. It was not an overwhelming neither was it lacking. The length of the chapters was not a contributing factor for that statement as rather than detailing the time line of the story, the author was just describing the scenes. There were barely any details involved neither were they important fillers to fill in the ‘awkward’ gap. Thus the length of the chapters is not a good gauge, therefore was not used.

Characterization

Well, there were four characters that were discussed in detail – Eli, Kiseop, Kristine and Kimberly.
Out of the four, the person with the most interesting personality is Kristine. She is someone that we don’t see often in stories. I think I have raved a lot about her in the ‘Plot’ segment. But, yes, I am intrigued by her character. She seems the most real, she admits that she is pretty and uses it to her advantage. She uses her charm and looks to gain an edge among her peers – in a sense, manipulate them. She admits that she loves attention yet at the same time is very protective over Kimberly. Why I can relate to this character is because she actually resembles a close friend of mine. Well, she is not exactly the most prettiest and her sister is not her twin, but that is not the point. The point is that you, my friend, have succeeded in creating a real character that people can relate to. And I am so proud of you. I really am. Characterization is usually very hard to score because I am very critical over such stuff. However you, you blew me away when I started to see how Kristine was slowly morphing into my friend. It was freaky, but at the same time really refreshing. I’m really impressed. Good job on creating Kristine’s character!
Hehe, however saying that, your other three were lacking. Kimberly resembled our typical heroine, Eli resembled Kyouta Tsubaki (from Kanan Minami sensei's manga - Kyou, Koi wo Hajimemasu), his personality and even the meeting he had with Kimberly. I hope that it is a coincidence. And then we have Kiseop… the guy who seems too good to be true? Hahaha. Telling his ex-girlfriend who dumped him on their first monthsary that he would wait for her? Who is he, can I have him? His temper is like one of a Buddha or something. How can he still be so gentle to her? I’m mind boggled, dazzled, Hahaha! I want a boyfriend like him!
Well, maybe it was because Kristine’s character was so strong that it overpowered the others, I DO NOT KNOW! All I know is, Kristine character is daebak. You did great!

Comments/Enjoyment
Enjoyment:

Although certain parts of the story indeed made me real excited, the bottom line is I really did not feel much enjoyment from this story. While I can understand that you are probably a pretty fresh writer whose skills have yet to develop, it does not deny the fact that I was not entertained. The perspectives sure was interesting, however it was not enough to carry my anticipation from one chapter to another. I would however like to mention that this may be due to the fact that you have not injected in much description.

Comments:
Despite the first impression being promising, the actual story was not something that I was a tremendous fan off. Especially so since the country that you chose for this story was Singapore. Not that it is wrong to do it, but, if you are going to choose Singapore, it would be good to at least retain some facts of Singapore. Firstly, schools here are not split into high or middle school. While we have some schools under the name of ‘high’, they are under secondary level. There are many other discrepancies in the story and the school that you are depicting resembles more of a Japan/S.Korea school system and NOT Singapore. For one, Singaporeans do not have a culture of calling their seniors ‘sunbae-nim’. This is very clearly a S.Korean social practice and is not observed in Singapore.
Now, I am not saying that everything must be 100% factual, but at least it should be somewhat believable. Well, maybe it may also be due to the fact that I am too a Singaporean so I can call the bluff… Well, I do not know about that. Hahaha.
From how I see it, it seems that the quality of chapters really plunged after your editor went on a hiatus. This hints that you are still not ready for independence. I would suggest that you focus on your grammar and construction of proper sentences first. Currently, your story is very dialogue-filled making it look more like a script than a story.
Do not fret though; I personally believe that that is how every author starts off – with plain dialogues. So you are not terribly off path, you are just at the very beginning of your journey. Currently you already have the rough skeleton pictured and set, all you need to do is develop the muscle and tissues. It is a long and tedious process, but if you are able to grit your teeth, you are definitely able to come out triumphant. I can attest to this as I too have experienced this phase that you are in. 
You are on the right track; persevere and push on! I anticipate your future work to come.
Ps: if you have the time, I recommend you to read this story Tied by a Child by CFdorks (link here: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/453977/tied-by-a-child-fluff-pregnancy-school-exo-luhan-sehun-ocs) Like you, this author has included two POVs in the story. She however does it a little differently. I highly encourage you to give this story a read.
Psps: Please remember to drop me some cookies if you found this review useful ^^v