THEN

JUNE 2014

JONGIN slammed the door to Taemin’s room and stomped his foot on every step downstairs. He reached his room and locked himself for the rest of the day – or until Sis Kim knocked on his door to eat dinner. Jongin dived into bed and perched a pillow up his chin. He buried his face, and cried.

His only best friend told him that he wanted to die, and asked him to not be there with him.

“YOU need to eat, Jongin,” Taemin knocked softly on Jongin’s door later that night. Jongin who just woke up from a nap twisted and turned in his bed with great annoyance. His eyes felt heavy from all the crying he did that evening and he did not wish for Taemin to see that.

“Go away,” Jongin yelled before getting back to his wet pillow.

“Don’t do this, man,” Taemin comforted. “C’mon. Let’s eat. Sister Kim will ground you if you skip dinner.”

“Get lost.”

“Jongin,” Taemin begged. “Please.”

“I said get lost, Taemin.”

Taemin sighed; his eyes were turning red as he held back the burning sensation in his eyes. “I’ll eat real quick, okay. Just give me ten minutes. Then you come down and eat okay?”

Jongin twisted his face and buried his face in his pillow. It was still amazing that Taemin still knew what he wanted at that time. Taemin was always like that. He knew Jongin’s mood swings too well and Taemin was always patient of his temperamental and childish attitude.

How can he bear losing him now?

NOW

MARCH 2017

JONGIN tilted his head slightly to the left and stared back at Naeun who was still waiting for his response.

“I don’t understand.”

“Don’t lie to me. I remember you too well. I have a good memory – the only trait I pride myself for.” Unless it’s about work thingy then you can count on Mina to remind me.

“You have your own passcode,” Jongin said defensively.  “You don’t need mine to get in.”

“I reset my passcode and I don’t remember- ”

“Thought you pride yourself for your outstanding memory?”

“I did not say I have outstanding memory, and don’t cut me off. That’s rude.”

“I thought you were done speaking. Sorry.”

Naeun glared at him before stood up and got to her chair. “I honestly don’t know why Mina accepted you. You couldn’t even remember this hotel’s name.”

Jongin gasped, finally remembered that Naeun was the woman wearing hat and sunglasses indoor some day last week when he was on the phone with Kyungsoo.

“It’s Blue Diamond Hotel,” Jongin said with a trace of pride in his tone.

“It’s written on my name plate.”

Jongin shut his mouth and rolled his eyes. Okay she’s smart.

“Did Mina brief you about what you’re supposed to do while you’re here?”

Jongin raised a brow at the mention of the unfamiliar name. “No. I was only told to replace her, but I don’t really know who she is, or what she does.”

“Oh,” Naeun gasped, it finally dawned on her how her secretary only informed the interns to start the work today through an email only. She had a lot to explain to Jongin then.

“I’m not that good with explaining things,” Naeun held her handup at him. “Hold on. Let me call her. She’s my secretary by the way.”

“Can I at least sit down first?”

Naeun raised her gaze at him, realizing he has been standing at the door frame since he first barged in.

“Have a seat, then.”

“Thank you,” Jongin muttered.

Naeun returned to her phone call but it never got through. She glanced at her watch and assumed Mina was probably still in bed. The time was only 8.15 AM. She grunted and placed back the receiver. Naeun then took her phone and texted something to her secretary.

Seconds later she got back to Jongin who has been patiently waiting.

“So,” Naeun began awkwardly. “I guess we should wait first for Mina – my secretary and the woman you’re filling in for – to reply my text.”

“What should I do until then?”

“Can you get me – coffee?”

Jongin’s gaze fell unconsciously on her coffee cup in the coffee holder on the right side of the table.

“This one’s getting cold,” she said coolly, refusing to explain herself to Jongin. “Iced Americano. No whipped cream. No syrup. Just the plain one.”

“Iced Americano?” Jongin asked, as though Naeun had stammered when she said it.

“Yes.”

Jongin slowly got up and stared at her carefully. “Okay.”

THIS time Jongin was sure to knock first. He did regret not knocking beforehand. It must have been very uncomfortable for Naeun and he understood if Naeun was angry at him; she has every right to.

“Your Iced Americano.” He allowed himself in after Naeun has asked him to come in. He put the drink on her table and seated himself in front of her.

“I talked to Mina,” Naeun said, picking up her drink and took a sip. “She left some notes and journals in her drawer at her table. Wait, lemme ask Gary to get them for us.”

Naeun pressed some button on the intercom, sent out her orders and seconds later a guy dressed in a well-pressed blue shirt with brown slack came in with the necessary documents.

“Thanks a lot Gary,” Naeun smiled when the guy put down the files on the table. He nodded back, and when he noticed Jongin was sitting across him, he glanced at him and gave him a forced a smile. Jongin frowned and ignored the unfriendly guy.

“Here we go,” Naeun said, flipping through the pages. She dropped the book suddenly and took out her reading glass from under her drawer. Naeun put it on and continued reading.

Jongin felt like she was a different woman when she has her reading glasses on, as though Naeun has peeled off her uptown, versatile image and slip into a brilliant, classy woman who appreciate good knowledge rather than good fashion; though having good fashion sense isn’t exactly bad.

“It seems like,” Naeun started off before pausing to take a good look at Jongin. “This week will be a busy week for you. To be honest I have been informed beforehand by Mina that we have like this charity slash night ball at one of our partner’s hotel in downtown Hongdae. It will be a huge event, and we will expect some of the important VIPs and big names in hotel industry to come down.”

“What are we celebrating exactly?”

“Blue Diamond hotel has, in fact, been actively supporting financially one of our many non-governmental foundations, like the Red Sarang and JK Group Foundation and we have benefited a great deal from our investment. We manage to prove more jobs to the youngsters who couldn’t make it through the entrance examination. We also have caught some of NGOs’ attention that is based outside of the country to help our students with financial difficulties to further their studies abroad, with full scholarship. And there is more, but I was not well informed about it because Mina hasn’t received any updates. So, I guess we can say we are celebrating victory, and we hope some of the new VIPs would be interested in our charity work and would want to make some contribution as well.”

“I didn’t know this about Blue Diamond.”

“There are plenty of things you and others don’t know about, Jongin.”

“I guess so, Naeun,” Jongin agreed, nodding his head. “How long have you guys been involved with this noble work?”

“My mom was, actually brought up in an orphanage, a local home shelter in Seoul for three years before she was adopted at the age of 9. She always told me how lucky I am to be loved by a family, and not by someone who share the same fate as you. It was hard growing up as an orphan kid, my mom told me, because you don’t know how you will end up one day. So, when she was adopted, and married my dad, she has a vision since her childhood to not let other orphans to face difficulties that she went through when she was little. She said it was bitter, too bitter and the fact that you had no chance but to swallow it and kept your head high afterwards was something very dreadful that you can’t forget. My dad agreed right away when she expressed to build a foundation. She said she owes it to the society.”

“What about your dad?”

“What about him?”

“Why did he agree right away? I know not all big companies like charity, and I don’t mean this maliciously, but some businessmen like getting something back, especially when it comes down to investing money into something that  won’t profit you money-wise.”

“I understand where you are coming from,” Naeun fixed her glasses that were slipping off of her bridge. “I don’t know why my dad didn’t hesitate to make my mom’s wish come true. But I guess it’s because he loves her. I mean, you’d do anything for someone you love, right?”

“Right,” Jongin said with a slight grin. “And you actually did a good job at explaining things.”

Naeun paused, giving him the flustered-but-touched look. “Thank you.”

SEHUN popped open the champagne that he brought as an official housewarming gift to Jongin. Jongin pulled out the glass and let Sehun poured the liquor.

“So,” Sehun grunted as put down the bottle. “How was your first day? How was your boss? How did you like the office?”

“Not bad. Not bad, kinda. And I don’t have any office,” Jongin paused. “Yet.”

“If you don’t have your own workspace, then how will you work?”

“I don’t know. That is my boss’s concern, not mine.”

“Well, that is true,” Sehun nodded in agreement. He reached then leaned forward on the coffee table and grabbed come cut fruits. “Though there is other stuff I wanna ask that is actually your concern.”

“What is it?” Jongin gulped down the last sip of the champagne.

“Taemin’s letters,” Sehun said stiffening, his expression turned more serious by seconds. “Have you started reading them?”

Jongin sighed, and fell backward as he hugged his knees. “Nope.”

“But why? Dude, I didn’t bring them here for no reason. Have you opened them?”

“Nope.”

“Have you even laid your finger on it?”

“I did, but I put it back in.”

“Are you still mad at Taemin?”

“I would still be mad at him even if he didn’t write any letters, okay?”

“You knew about it all along, Jongin. He discussed about committing suicide with you. Don’t deny his death. You don’t deserve that.”

“I don’t wanna know why he died!” Jongin lashed out suddenly, throwing the empty champagne glass he has been holding. “I don’t read those letters he left behind because I was afraid if I might find out why he died. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face it. I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do. I keep hearing the gunshot every time I think of him, man.”

“But it’s not your fault, dude. You need to do this. C’mon. Read the letters. It may not be as bad as you think.”

Jongin darted his eyes on the white wall. “It may not be a bad thing, or it may.”

“Then,” Sehun drawled. “Let’s read it while I’m still here.”

Jongin suddenly averted his gaze from Sehun and shook his head in slow motion. “Nah. It’s okay, dude.”

“Fine, but don’t procrastinate. You need to deal with it sooner or later.”

“I know,” Jongin said, spacing out again. “I just need some time-out.”

“Jongin,” Sehun called softly, half drunk. “Do you remember, when we were little, you used to tell me you hated Taemin for never apologizing for breaking your MoonMan figurine, but you got over it and talked to him again after I acted as the neutral party and conveyed his sorry to you?”

Jongin turned to Sehun, and stifled a short smile. “I liked that figurine so ing much.”

“Y’know when he came up to that night after he broke your toy, he was crying a lot, like, his sleeves were wet from the tears. He said you didn’t want to talk him anymore and he was clueless of how to fix things. I told him to just say sorry cuz I knew you weren’t exactly the vengeful type. I mean, the toy was broken, and there was nothing he could about it. But he was too scared to face you and he asked me instead to say sorry to you on his behalf.”

Jongin chuckled at the old memory whilst the scene was playing at the back of his mind vividly. “That coward - he should just man up and face me.”

“Jongin,” Sehun called again, this time his voice was firm and persuasive. “Maybe this was his way of saying sorry to you – the letters he left behind.”

THEN

JUNE 2014

It was 12.00 am when Jongin heard a soft knock went on for some seconds before stopping. He looked at his door, and caught something like a paper underneath the moonlight that shone just perfectly on it.

He got up from his bed and picked up the letter.

HELLO – the paper read, and Jongin caught a new one slipping under his door once he tiled his head sideways.

I’M STILL HERE, OUTSIDE YOU ROOM.

And then another one came in – ARE YOU STILL MAD?

And another – DO YOU WANNA REPLY? I CAN WAIT.

Jongin took a deep breath and decided to confront his friend, through a letter too of course.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? – Jongin simply wrote and shoved it under his own door once finished.

I’M SORRY I SAID THAT – Taemin slipped a reply after some fleeting seconds.

I BET YOU ARE

I MEAN IT. I HAVE MY OWN REASON, JONGIN.

WHAT IS IT?  - Jongin traced down as he wrote each letters before tossed it underneath the gap of his door. He was still mad, frankly speaking, but he needed to know why his friend didn’t want him to be there when he died.

CAN I COME IN? – read Taemin’s newest letter when it came through the door.

Jongin stood up and reached for the handle to the door. He paused, and instead leaned forward to the door and pressed his ear flat to take a good listening of surrounding outside.

“If I let you in,” Jongin said in a cracking voice. “Do you wanna tell me your reason?”

“I promise.”

Jongin stepped aside, and finally opened the door for his best friend. Taemin stood there, sighing in relief as his face broke into an instant grin. His eyes, however, were glassy and red.

“Hi,” Taemin said weakly.

“Hey,” Jongin coughed, clearing his throat. “Come on in.”

THE two teenage friends sat on the bad, side by side, hugging knees while looking front in tensed silence. Taemin did not utter a word since he got in and Jongin seemed a lot comfortable minding his own thoughts.

“I,” Taemin said finally after giving it much thought to how he should to Jongin. “Do not want you to see me like that.”

“Like what?” Jongin stole a glance before rolling his eyes. “Like what, Taemin?”

“I did not want you to see me – die when I pull the trigger.”

“Why?” Jongin forced out as he began to choke on his sobs. He looked momentarily at his best friend again stealing a glance and found out Taemin was also crying.

“I do not want you to remember me like that.”

Jongin nodded, and wiped his tears hardly. “Okay. Then how exactly do you want me to remember you as?”

“Not someone like that.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Jongin,” Taemin called as he turned to him but Jongin looked away, avoiding Taemin’s sad gaze. “I’m scared that you might wanna die as well if you see me die.”

“Then don’t die, dammit!” Jongin yelled, his eyes glistened underneath the sloe-eyed moonlight.

“You don’t understand!”

“Then make me,” Jongin pleaded, raking through his black hair with a force. “You need to tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it for you. You cannot leave me alone, Taemin. You cannot die and leave me alone. I don’t have anyone else, but you. You cannot just want to die and leave me alone. That’s ing selfish.”

“I’m sorry, and I’m trying to let you know but you just don’t see that.”

“I don’t see that,” Jongin agreed, spitting each word in fury. “Because you shut me out, Taemin. You’re not man enough to face me and tell it to my face.”

Taemin wiped his tears, but more tears kept spilling out so he gave up wiping them at some point. “I will promise you one thing; you will see it later.”

Jongin grunted and jumped off his bed as headed towards the door. He stared at Taemin, scowling before snapping GET THE OUT at him without even blinking an eyelid.

*****

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