NOW

APRIL 2017

                THERE was only a small amount of light that seeped through Hyorin’s curtain from which the light was shone by the street light outside her house. She was alone that night, going through the old photos from which Hyeri sent during her volunteer work in Seoul -when it was way back in late winter 2014 when Hyorin was living in London.

                Hyorin stared hard at the photos, one after another, and her gaze fell sadly upon the big smile she saw in the pictures. Hyeri sister has the brightest smile, and the young man whom she introduced as her special friend had the heartiest laughter looking at her with his arm around her shoulder.

                It was her proudest moment, Hyeri had told her sister in a phone call, and the one she might never be able to feel again.

                JONGIN woke up that morning drenched in cold sweats; his heart was racing as though he had been running the whole night. He glanced over at the alarm clock on the bedside table and was relieved to learn that it was only 7.10 AM. He got up, sighing, and went straight to shower. His feet were tired, and his head was dizzy. The nightmare apparently has returned.

                IT seemed like Naeun was also absent from work today and the last day Jongin ever saw her seemed to be getting further. He has been feeling sickly these past few days but he still came to work in case he would see Naeun by chance. He didn’t realise why he has been looking over at the entrance to the workplace of his floor every time he sensed people coming in but he guessed it was because he wanted to see her.

                Jongin looked down to his phone, his eyes were tired from entering data on a computer, and he went to the contacts and his finger stopped scrolling the moment Hyorin’s name came up. He hasn’t has the guts to call Hyorin, but he thought it would be better if he stopped procrastinating and being afraid and just give her a call. He was praying Hyorin would know Taemin and has at least some clue about what went in Taemin’s life that he didn’t know of so he could learn the reason behind his suicide but at the same time he wished Hyorin wouldn’t know anything and that maybe she was visiting some friend, clueless of why Taemin committed suicide, like Jongin himself.

                He pressed the caller’s button and waited patiently until the call got connected.

                “Hello?” Hyorin’s voice was soft and gentle and it helped him to gain confidence to proceed with the conversation.

                “Hello,” Jongin managed politely, but his heart was already pounding behind his cage. “Hyorin? This is Jongin speaking. I‘m sorry to  call you out of the blue, but I do hope you still remember me from the charity ball last month in Blue Diamond hotel.”

                “Oh, of course I still remember,” Hyorin’s voice rose. “How are you doing? Where did you get my number anyway?”

                “I got it from a file inside Naeun’s office. I don’t mean to bother you, what more intrude your privacy,” Jongin began nervously. “But some nights ago, I saw your signature on the guestbook to my friend’s memorial room and I was wondering if you knew my friend personally.”

                “I’m not sure if I understand your point. What guestbook are we talking about? What friend?”

Jongin took a breath before saying, “Lee Taemin- my close friend who died three years ago of suicide.”

                THIS could probably sound very cruel, but Hyorin was squeezing hard every inch of her brain trying to rake back the memory pieces she had about Taemin. She has only met him one, and that was after Hyeri’s passing away. She did not remember Taemin mentioning Jongin but certainly she did see some old photos Taemin kept in his phones when he was showing Hyorin some pictures of Hyeri.

                Was there Jongin?

                JONGIN felt his heart was about to ripped apart any moment now. He knew he has promised to bring Sehun along with him for this matter but he had not patience to wait anymore. He wanted to go meet her as soon as possible when she was free, and apparently God has answered his prayer. He promised to tell Sehun everything, and can only hope Sehun wouldn’t be angry with him. It was 5.54, and Hyorin was only getting off work. They have agreed to meet up at local dining near to Jiyoung apartment.

                “What would you like to eat?” Hyorin asked, her tone was a bit off, sounding rather different from last Jongin had heard her voice. He felt like seeing her smile was impossible too now.

                “I don’t feel like eating,” he gave a short smile and shook his head. “I’ll have something to drink instead.”

                “You look nervous,” Hyorin ran her gaze through the list of food in the menu. “You look like you skipped lunch too. Have you taken anything substantial today?”

                “I ate some bread this morning.”

                “But now is almost 6 in the evening.”

                “I’ll eat when I get home.”

                “Okay,” Hyorin said crisply, not intending to sound nosy. “You don’t look good, that’s all. Besides, we’re already in a restaurant.”

                Jongin did not utter a single word afterword, and waited for the waiter to take their orders. The moment the waiter excused himself, Jongin leaned forward with slight anticipation.

                “I never came across your name in the guestbook before,” Jongin said. “And I just grew curious when I saw the same initial of your name, and I just figure maybe, this is a small world, and you would know Taemin personally.”

                “I wouldn’t say personal,” Hyorin’s struggled to maintain a stoic expression, but she saw Jongin’s red eyes that were lacking of sleep and she wondered if Jongin was sharing the same grief as she was, holding the guilt down their shoulders for 3 years long.

                “Then how would you say it?”

                “This matter is uncomfortable for me to discuss freely,” Hyorin said directly. “I don’t even know if I can trust you.”

                Jongin sighed inwardly and smirked in disbelief. He thought Hyorin has lost the confidence in her like when he first saw her that night at the date, but looking her being this defensive made Jongin thought otherwise. Maybe she was still the same.

                “My friend died on me without telling me why he wanted to do it and all that he left me with was this letter talking about his crush, perhaps, I wouldn’t know, and that alone was not enough. He never talked about why he killed himself. I was desperate for any clue or hints, and I found your initial, and you obviously know something that I don’t, and I wish you’d let me in. Please.”

                The silence that followed was deafening and nerve-wrecking. Hyorin appeared calm but she was already shaking on the inside. There was so much she wanted to say, and ask but she was afraid of trusting the wrong people because she might just jeopardise everything that she has worked hard for.

                “What is the name of the home shelter you guys live at?” She asked calmly, like a tide rising up an ocean.

                “All Smiles Foundation.”

                “By Jung Hwan road?”

                “By Jung Hwan Road,” Jongin agreed with a nod.

                “Of course,” Hyorin smirked but her face was holding back a great amount of pain. Jongin looked at her in a steady manner, and realized Hyorin was just as desperate as he was, and he didn’t know about what, but something in her eyes told him so.

                “Why did you go see him?” Jongin asked, loosening up his tensed jaw. “After all this time, why did you decide to go see him only now?”

                Hyorin sat back and control her breathing. The air felt thin to her and she had to look away momentarily. The waiter suddenly came in between them and placed the order on the table. Jongin gave the waiter a small nod before fixing his gaze back on Hyorin.

                “Because,” Hyorin said, chuckling, and her red eyes were directed at Jongin in a flash. “I was afraid of him.”

                “Be specific,” Jongin insisted, his jaw hardened again, but Hyorin’s face looked like it was melting and she could not even hold her glass properly.

                “There was so much regret – inside Taemin - and I failed to stop him.”

                “What are you talking about? What regret?”

                “My sister died, and for some reason Taemin couldn’t stop blaming himself for that,” Hyorin forced out each word, pressed like a bitter medicine between the tongue. She wiped her tears in agony, fighting back the urge to break down. Other diners were already glancing over with suspicion at Jongin and Hyorin but neither of them minded to gather themselves.

                “Why would he blame himself for your sister’s death? And what do you mean by for some reason – like what is that supposed to mean? Taemin was the happiest guy I know, and he would never-”

                “Your friend, Taemin was absent at his girlfriend’s – my sister’s funeral, and I went to visit him because he made me worry over a drunk phone call. Did you know what was the first thing he told me right after I saw him? He told me that it was supposed to be his funeral, and not Hyeri’s. He was crying but there was no tears coming out, and he looked very, very broken. He kept repeating the same stuff like how he deserved to die, and everything that happened to Hyeri was solely his fault. He told me that himself and he could not stop crying every time he talked about my sister. He may be a happy friend to you, but last time I saw him, I saw slit marks across his wrist, and some of them were bleeding!”

Jongin couldn’t talk anymore. Words were bounded and he has lost voice to speak. Hyorin was crying and she kept wiping her tears that won’t stop falling out but he had no courage to even feel anything right now. There were so many questions he wanted to ask but he wasn’t prepared for any more surprises.

                Taemin was the happiest guy he knew, and he would never kill himself over someone.

                “Don’t insult my friend like that, ever again.” Jongin snapped, fuming and feeling devastated at the same time. He pushed back the chair in hasty and left right away.

                MINHYUK slid into an empty car spot and parked his Audi there. He turned to his right, unbuckled his own seatbelt before trying for Lana. She was discharged temporarily for today and has to go back 4 days after. Minhyuk gently at Lana’s jet black hair and she stirred in her short nap. Lana opened her eyes and smiled when she saw Minhyuk.

                “Are we home?” Lana asked like a little child.

                “We are, honey,” Minhyuk’s voice was soft and sad at the same time.

                “Good,” Lana said. “I don’t wanna go anywhere else. And I don’t want you to go anywhere else too.”

                “I would never leave you,” Minhyuk promised, as always, and leaned to give her a peck on the cheek.

                “What about here?” Lana’s big eyes fluttered up cutely at Minhyuk while pointing at her lips. Minhyuk smiled, slightly taken aback, before leaving forward to kiss her on the lips.

                “Are you happy?” Minhyuk asked, pinching her chin.

                “Uh-huh,” Lana nodded. “Promise me you won’t leave me, like what you did before.”

                Minhyuk fell silent; his mind drifted back to where the commotion happened and could only blame himself for not doing better.

                “If only you promise to behave.”

                “I promise,” Lana said in a high voice before giggling at him. “You know I always try my best to keep my promise, don’t you?”

                “I do, Lana,” Minhyuk nodded while her head. “I do.”

                “Oh by the way, Minhyuk,” Lana said, tugging at Minhyuk’s arm as he was about to get out of his ride.

                “What?”

                “When you were sleeping yesterday, on the couch across the room, I kinda snuck up to you to borrow your phone.”

                “You did?” Minhyuk raised his brow. “Were you tryna call Doctor Jinki? I told you he’s not in Seoul for 2 days. Don’t worry, I’ll bring you to see him tomorrow morning, I promise.”

                “No, it was not Jinki.”

                “Oh really?” Minhyuk pursed his lips out of confusion. “Then who you were trying to…”

                “I called Naeun,” Lana was fiddling with her fingers. “Because I felt so bad for what I did to her.”

                THIS was it – Naeun thought. She should stop eating and sleeping and not caring about her own life by just idling hibernating and freeloading at her parents’ house. Naeun drove over to work the next morning in all new Stella McCartney white formal suit, sporting a pink Channel clutch she found in her mom’s closet along with a matching pink color of Louboutin pump heels. At least she knows her mom still rocks her style.

                Naeun took off her glasses and walked over to the main entrance of the office. Naeun trimmed off the ends of her hair up until her cleavage and dyed it light brown. She was freed from a relationship she despised so much, and despite having a bitter pay for that, she thought she should celebrate it. Naeun smiled at her co-workers that were all dropping their jaws at her brand new appearance and even boldly waved at the receptionist that stood up bolt in shock upon seeing her walking past.

                “G-good morning Miss Son.”

                “Morning,” Naeun replied back kindly before proceeding to the elevator. She stopped while waiting for the elevator, and couldn’t help but to gaze around calmly to scan for any Jongin’s presence. He should get here by now.

                He should be surprised to see how tough and cool of a woman I am.

Not that I dyed my hair for him or something.

Like why would I dress all prettily to see him got wavered by my outstanding taste in fashion – like that’s just sad.

SEHUN could not get a hold of Jongin the last time he called him up last night. And when he tried again for a second time this morning, Jongin was still out of reach. Sehun picked up his coat and glanced over at the clock. It was 8.30 AM so Jongin should be up by now to get ready for his work. Sehun reminded himself to give his friend a call again later this noon. He wanted to tell him that he could leave off work earl today and maybe they could find some time to go meet Hyorin today. After all, he was just as eager and desperate as Jongin was to find out what actually happened to Taemin.

THAT was her third time reapplying her lip gloss of the day because the moist was drying out every time she chowed down her green tea macaroons. And why did Hyungji have to fetch green tea of all flavours? It just painfully reminded her of her slacking intern.

Soft knock was heard by the door and Naeun wiped the falling crumbs off her working desk quickly.

“Come in,” she ordered lightly.

“I’m sorry to bother you, miss, but you are needed in the new partnership meeting this afternoon and your dad personally asks you to not skip this one.”

“Okay. Urm, Hyungji,” Naeun called out in a timid voice after glancing at her wristwatch. “Is my lazy intern in yet?”

“Excuse me?”

“The white desk outside – do you see someone sitting behind it and do his work diligently because he knows he would fail if he upsets me?”

Hyungji’s frown got deeper and she was beginning to get scared of her boss. “I’m sorry but I don’t quite get what you’re saying?”

“Jongin – I was talking about Jongin, my bloody intern, is he in or not?”

 Hyungji flinched and offered a deep bow of apology right away. “I’m afraid he’s not in. I’m sorry I did not catch you earlier. I’m so sorry. Please don’t fire me. I’ll try my best to improve my hearing next time.”

                “I’m not gonna fire you. It’s okay. You may leave. And sorry for the outburst earlier.”

                Hyungji took no time to back away and leave. Naeun sat back in her chair, heaving a heavy sigh and a low rumble.

                How dare you skip work without any notice?

                And I even did stuff to my hair- damn you.

                Could he possibly be sick – Naeun sprang forward at the thought and cupped for badmouthing him. She was silent, thinking hard the last time they met and was wondering if he blamed himself so much for forcing shut when she talked about ‘rather being dead’ that maybe he has gotten sick from being too apologetic?

                Oh no! I should go visit him and told him that i never took it personally.

                “Omo! Wait - I should go to the boutique first,” Naeun cupped her hand like a child and nodded. One should dress prettily and properly when visiting a sick friend.

                THEN

                SEPTEMBER 2014

                “DO you know why people turn to stars when they die?” Taemin asked his friend out of the blue, when the night was the most quiet and the sky above head was the darkest, except for some twinkling dots that appeared humble about their shine.

                “You’re ing high right now, do you know that?” Jongin kept the beer bottles away and stacked them all inside black plastic bag. They were both up hill just behind their home, and yesterday was the day Taemin had just retrieved a gun from his high school seniors.

                “I’m not high.”

                “Yes you are.”

                “And you’re not?” Taemin looked at his friend suspiciously before grabbing a half-empty beer from Jongin.

                “Dude, stop drinking, you’re gonna pass out and I would have to carry you all the way down.”

                “And you would still carry me if I passed out. It doesn’t make any difference. And, quick, answer me, Jongin, why do people turn to stars when they die.”

                “What are you – 7 years old? People don’t turn to stars when they die. That’s just a less cruel way of telling kids that people are forever out of your reach after they die. Like, you know you cannot see them again, and telling that people turn to stars after they die was an empty drive for us to keep on living. I think it’s all pointless. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t lie. Don’t make up . When people die, people die. Done. Period. Why tell craps that are totally untrue?”

                “Boy, do you sound so angry.” Taemin chuckled teasingly, but it only provoked Jongin.

                “I’m not angry.”

                “Don’t be angry, Jongin. You look better smiling,” Taemin let his praise passed and took a sip afterword. Jongin has heard more praises about him these past days, as frequent as Taemin’s talks on dying and committing suicide.

                “You look better sober. Now, stop drinking.” Jongin reached to his left and grabbed Taemin’s bottle away. “Seriously, please, stop.”

                Taemin looked at his friend the moment Jongin’s voice broke at the word ‘please’ and he knew how much Jongin meant it.

                Please, don’t do it - But he couldn’t. He mustn’t. He shouldn’t.

                “I can’t,” Taemin mumbled in a low voice as he held down Jongin’s gaze and gave him the saddest smile Jongin has even laid his eyes on. “I can’t stop thinking about what happened and it kills me more and more every time I open my eyes in the morning.”

                “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.” Jongin looked forward, trying to erase the sad smile Taemin just showed it as he shut off his eyes. “You’re hurting me just as much, Taemin, and I cannot let you do that to me. You don’t let me in on anything and it’s not fair.”

                “Nothing is fair in this life, Jongin. Not even the person you trust the most.”

***

Ayo waddup :D

Finally it's here hahaha