NOW

MARCH 2017

IT was the end of a hot summer when he got back from taking university entrance exam at a local university. He didn’t know if he had tried hard enough, but his friend told him he could do it, and should just believe in his own potential because he never stopped believing in him, so he trusted him. It was 2 weeks into August and the results for the university application had already come out. But this boy – the one who pulled all-nighters and burnt the midnight oil for two consecutive weeks did not get any letter from the university. So his friend, who was already accepted, comforted him with some drinks and told him to wait another 1 week because he might make it in as the second intakes. So he did.

One week has passed, and whilst his friend was at the university, studying economics, he  finally received a letter from the university, saying that he passed and congratulated him for being chosen among few others who didn’t make it. He was working part-time at a local photocopy shop by his home shelter when the letter came in and he was excited to read the results that he almost tripped his employer down the stairs. 

He kept the news  away from his friend – and pretended to sigh and complain about how the educational system and unfair to an orphan like him, and his friend did not do anything but rubbed his back and offered him a warm hug. But inside, he was dying from laughter. How could his friend be so easy to trick?

It was 2.00 AM and he thought he had dragged the joke on for too long. He felt like he should start clearing things up and tell his friend about the acceptance letter he got from the same university in a totally different major – business management – and could only laugh from what his friend would do to him for the trick he fell for.

But he stopped rummaging through the pockets on his working jacket when he heard a gunshot from upstairs. The loud explosion startled him, and he was certain everyone in the house heard it.

That his friend’s little secret was no longer one.

He threw the jacket he was holding away and reached for the door. But it was locked, and after some minutes of self-mockery, he turned the knob with his trembling hand and forced his wobbly legs up the stairs. It was only 1 flight but never once he felt so tired from going up the stairs. There were nervous voices asking where the sound came from and most of the small children were already bursting into tears.

When he finally reached for the door, his hand somehow was paralyzed when his fingers wrapped around the knob to his friend’s room; and that he wasn’t sure why he came up here in the first place.

A neighboring kid beside Taemin’s room jeered his head out from the door and he could never forget his red face, covered in cold sweats, staring deeply into his own teary eyes, exasperated.

‘I heard a loud gunshot next to my room and I think something really bad just happened.  I don’t know what it is but I don’t like it.’

‘I know’, he answered weakly.  And he turned away from the kid, and tried the handle. It clicked open and the slow swing just made his heart skipped a beat. The first thing he saw right after he managed to gasp enough air in was the blood stain splattered across the wall and some on the white curtain - like a piece of kid’s painting you could usually see in the movies; it was everywhere but it was not messy.

‘Oh My God-’ He heard a gasp but he was not sure if it came from him or from some kid behind him. But he was sure he felt a hand pushing him down to go approach the still figure lying by the bed.

He took a heavy step forward; each movement set his heart on fire. He could pretend that this was all a joke but he knew better than to commit more lies. He got to his knees and reached a hand to feel his friend’s breath.

There was none. And next to his friend’s head was a gun.

He cried there and then, tears dripping in his friend’s bloody face as he lowered his head and picked up his friend’s head that was beginning to get cold. He cradled it carefully on his laps, hugging and every part of his friend while he still had the chance, while he could still feel him.

‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’ -  He remembered telling that to his dead friend as he tightened the embrace but he didn’t know why he said it.

NAEUN wanted Jongin to stop talking, or crying but he was already choking hard on his sobs that it twisted Naeun’s insides to see him suffer like that. She got up and reached for Jongin. She leaned in close and grabbed Jongin’s head, placed it carefully on her laps as she enveloped him and all his pain with all she has. She didn’t want him to suffer alone; everyone is bruising and everyone needs someone to be with them. Jongin curled his body into fetal position and buried his face into Naeun’s stomach as he cried on for another hour.

“Jongin, everything will be alright now,” Naeun fought hard against breaking down on her own and pressed each word carefully despite having no idea where she found the confidence to promise him that. “Trust me.”

But Jongin did not say anything as he squeezed her tighter. Inside, he never wanted to believe someone so badly like how he felt about Naeun that moment, but he didn’t know if he has any more space for promises.

IT was 4.00 AM when Jongin slit open his eyes and realized that they were still on the open space by the Han River. His eyes were puffy and red from the crying and he regretted instantly having no control over emotions and let Naeun saw his weakest point. He turned around and realized that he was lying on Naeun’s thighs, and she was leaning back against the tree, breathing calmly while wrapping her fingers around his own. Jongin gasped, sudden realization came to him that he was also holding her hand just as tightly. He let go, breaking them apart one by one and got up from the thigh pillow.

Naeun stirred a bit from Jongin’s movement but it was not enough to pull her entirely from her sleep. Jongin heaved a sigh, and his gaze fell on the peaceful looking face on Naeun’s and was amazed by her strong determination of moving on with her life after what she felt about her nanny. It must have been tough for her to keep it all to herself, but not anymore.

She’s no longer alone.

Jongin has done nothing since he first woke up but stared at her, and sometime flung his arm quietly to divert the flying night bugs away from Naeun. He pulled himself together when he was sure all the bugs were nowhere to be seen. He took in a deep breathe, and continued to watch her out.

Naeun drooped low her head over her shoulder as she fell deep into her night sleep. The ball must’ve used up all her energy, not to mention the emotionally draining moment of heart to heart conversation and secret exchange time she had with Jongin right before she fell asleep. Jongin stifled a smile, feeling very thankful inside to have Naeun be the first outsider to know of his old past.

Jongin leaned forward, instinctively, and drew his hand out to fix Naeun’s bobbing head so she would have a more comfortable sleeping composure on the ground, but as his fingers touched the back of her head, Naeun woke up with a small gasp of realization.

Her eyes opened slowly, looking half-asleep and tired into Jongin’s own and when she realized it, her face was only a breath away from Jongin’s, and she could almost taste the sweet deodorant and musky scent of him.

She must’ve been dreaming because she never saw anyone as perfect as Jongin.

Jongin fought hard to remain calm, and blurted out defensively, “I was not trying to do anything weird. I just wanted to-”

Naeun smiled suddenly, and it surprised Jongin when she did it. She didn’t look like she realized about their close distance, nor did she look like she realized she was still sleepy and drowsy from waking up suddenly in the middle of her sleep that she reached for his face and it gently.

“It's cold.  Your face is cold. Do you need a warm hug? " Naeun sounded drunk from the look of it, but Jongin was more than certain she didn’t take a sip at all from the beer he bought. “Don't  you feel cold?  I feel like it is colder now than it was when we first got here. 

Her voice was gentle but raspy when she muttered it out, but nonetheless, it had managed to shake Jongin on the inside. She smiled again at him, her eyes were half close and insolent, and her lips were still red from the last night’s make up.

And I - I must be crazy right now.

Jongin supported Naeun’s head as he wrapped the side of her face warmly and leaned in on her closely that their lips touched when he pressed down on hers. Seconds later, he drew backward slightly, looking as surprised as she was from the short kiss, and from the lingering, sensual sensation down their spines that never seemed to diminish into disappearance.

Naeun, who still had her hand against his face, swallowed something hard down ; her gaze grew warm and settled as she looked up at him lovingly. Naeun braced herself, and then she moved in closer to kiss him back. Jongin was shocked for one moment, but he did not hesitate to wrap his hands around her back afterwards and pulled her close against his body. He cradled her head with care, tilting it to the left as he went in to dart through her lips and explored the sweetness. He was not sloppy, and he took charge as the lead, his finger fumbled and her back.

The kiss went on longer than their first, both looking as if they couldn’t get enough with each other, and Naeun was close to letting all her guards down and let Jongin slipped his hands inside when she remembered about her parents, and their disappointed faces when she broke their hearts by breaking her future wedding apart.

“Wait-” Naeun was breathless, gasping more air into her now befuddled mind. She looked into his eyes, and when she saw her confused state reflected in his brown pupils, she realized the mistake she shouldn’t have done, the line she shouldn’t have crossed, and the desire inside she shouldn’t have triggered.

“What are we doing?” Naeun was withdrawn; she pushed Jongin’s away that were holding her together, and hugged herself in fear. “This is wrong. This is wrong, Jongin. The kiss – what we just did - it was a mistake.”

Jongin was broken, or perhaps that was how he felt when he looked down at trembling Naeun who was fighting something inside. He didn’t know what to do – he wanted to lean in again and hold her, but he didn’t want to be rejected. Jongin moved back, and nodded weakly.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin muttered, tensed muscle jaw flexed as he said it, and his stiff shoulder dropped as he pulled back and kept his distance from her.

“No. I am,” Naeun looked very regretful as she hugged her knees and buried her face. She wanted to cry because she was confused and angry at herself, but she was still scared of hurting Jongin, so instead, she lifted her chin to look at him and held back her anger.

“Maybe we should go home. And forget everything that happened just now.”

“Okay,” Jongin agreed, avoiding her gaze before getting up and heading toward the car. “Okay.”

NAEUN did not have much confident growing up into a well-off family. She was always alone, and being the only child only made it harder for her to spread her wings and soar. There were always rules, and there stuff written about her in the paper of magazines didn’t exactly help boost her confidence. But she had just enough to survive, and sometimes when she felt like not giving any care, she was scared, and reminded of her parents’ disappointed faces in the back of her mind. She then withdrawn, and locked herself again.

During the whole drive, she could not stop glancing at silent Jongin, but she was afraid to open . She wanted to tell him what’s bothering him, and ask him what the kiss meant but she couldn’t find the courage, no matter where she looked.

“We’re here,” Jongin finally said, but his voice was firm and clear that Naeun was mistaken that nothing has actually ever happened between them 20 minutes ago.

Nothing at all.

She followed suit behind him silently, going out of the vehicle and into the elevator lobby in the basement. He pressed the up button, and when he inserted his hands into the pocket for warmth, Naeun was reminded about the same warmth, or maybe even better, when he held her in his arms.

And the kiss– Naeun knew all too well that that memory must remain behind. She must forget about it, and forget about her feelings for Jongin that began to bloom as it would be dangerous for everyone involved, possible even Jongin.

The elevator door opened and they both stepped inside. Jongin pressed the button to his level, and Naeun wanted to do the same but he was already the button to her level.

“Thanks,” she mumbled under her breath, but Jongin looked too ignorant of it to say anything back. The elevator door closed, but she decided not to let her curiosity close down as well.

They were reaching the 3^rd floor, and Naeun was done fiddling with her button. Jongin’s level was 8 more and she thought the remaining time would be enough for her to explain about – whatever that’s bothering her.

“Jongin-” Naeun called, but her mind went blank as soon as the word slipped her tongue. Jongin glanced over, and turned his head a little to get a good look at her.

“What?” His voice trailed off in definite coldness but Naeun refused to give in.

“Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“But you were so – quiet.”

“I’m just tired.”

“I'm -,” Naeun was so upset at herself. “I just – don’t want you to change.”

“What are you talking about?” Jongin frowned at her absurd statement. He stared down at her, and she could sense the tension building up around him.

“The kiss-”

“The kiss was a mistake and we both know it. Just drop it, Naeun, and stop talking or worrying about it. I shouldn’t have kissed you first, and I’m sorry you if you were not comfortable by it. I didn’t know what came over me but I shouldn’t have done what I did. So, let’s just forget all about it, and carry on with our lives. It’s better that way. And seriously, we’re both grown-ups. Let’s not get this one stupid kiss to our heads. It’s silly, and it’s nothing important.”

If Naeun had better control of herself, she wouldn’t let anger took over her and slap Jongin hard across his cocky face, but she did lose her self-control, and the arrogant, hurtful words from Jongin sliced thinly through her heart, and next thing she knew, her palm was open and it flew across his face.

Jongin’s face was red from the hit, but he didn’t do anything to ease the burning sensation he felt underneath his skin. He clenched his jaw and tried to remain composed.

The elevator door opened soon after and they have finally reached the 11^th floor. Jongin casually walked past her, stepping out of the small, enclosed square box as though nothing has happened, and walked on until he turned into a corner.

Naeun’s heart could not stop racing anxiously since she slapped him, but she never looked over her shoulder at Jongin. Tears trickled down her cheeks when she heard the sound of doors closing on her but she did not break down and cry.

IT was Saturday and one of the two days in the week where Jongin didn’t have to wake up early for work. His body was very tired from the drama last night with Naeun, so when he glanced at his alarm clock and realized it was only 8.34 AM, he got back to bed, and decided to sleep in for another two good hours.

Thirty minutes into his sleep however, he was, unfortunately, disturbed by Kyungsoo who demanded him to submit his university graduation slip and other official documents on his co-curricular activities for four years he did in the university.

“I’ve been telling you since last week, Jongin, and I can’t believe you still haven’t gotten your guardian’s signature.”

“She knows I’m graduating anyway, so why the heck should I get her signature? It’s preposterous.”

“C’mon Jongin. You seriously don’t want to question our university rules now.”

“I’m just – tired, I guess. Sorry.”

“We all are, what with this stupid internship program, and the upcoming program in Jeju, but I can assure you, all you need to do is get me that signature and I won’t bug you anymore.”

“What Jeju program?”

“Don’t you know? Haven’t your boss told you yet?”

“No,” Jongin said awkwardly. “Wait – am I involved as well? But you’re in a different hotel.”

“Yeah I know. I’m in Yeoshin Hotel and you’re in Blue Diamond Hotel – but, don’t you know, it’s a collaborative program. They gather all the interns from your hotel and my hotel for a training program in Blue Diamond’s newest branch on Jeju Island.”

“We’re gonna go to Jeju Island? When?”

“This coming Friday.”

“What?”

NAEUN grabbed her bag and dashed out of her apartment. Minutes later, she came back in, panting, because she forgot her car keys. She reached her coffee table in the TV lounge and ran out again after locking the door.

Mina just texted her 1 hour ago that she has safely delivered the babies despite being later than her expected due date.

Oh yes. Babies. Twin babies.

“They’re so wrinkled and adorable and red and delicious I feel like crying from joy,” Naeun squeaked happily when she slipped her pinky into the twins’ palms and they both clutched onto it with all their 10 fingers.

“Very, very adorable,” she added, shrieking.

“You’re gonna scare the twins, and possibly make them deaf too. Please remain a safe distance,” Mina reprimanded in her hospital bed, raising a brow playfully at her boss. Kyuhyun, Mina’s younger husband smiled and his wife’s aching back when Mina asked him to.

Anything for the twins’ mother, he had said.

“Is it just me or one of these adorable ducklings have my nose?"

“No, none of them does.  And you just insulted my twins. Literally.”

Naeun looked up in annoyance and crossed her arms. “Why is she not sleeping?" Naeun lashed out on innocent Kyuhyun who was still overjoyed by the birth of the twins. "I thought all mothers are supposed to be sleeping after giving birth. You are not normal, Mina.”

“You’re not one to talk about being normal here, Naeun,” Mina snapped. “How is the hotel doing without my care anyway? Surely there isn’t any fire going out in the office, right? And please tell me you stopped going on Gucci website in your dad’s meeting?”

“Gucci pfftt,” Naeun disregarded with a mocking click on her tongue. “Prada is the new Gucci.”

“I’m not working and I still have headache when I think of you.”

“Aww,” Naeun tilted her head and brought her palms together. “You missed me.”

Mine burst into laughter and stretched her arms out for a hug. “Just c’mere, you weirdo.”

KYUHYUN was away in the doctor’s office, and Mina and Naeun were left alone in the room with the new twins. Naeun was putting one of the twins to sleep while the other was feeding from their mother.

“So,” Mina said. “How’s the new secretary?”

When he’s not a jerk, he’s quite a sad person with a complicated past.

“Good,” Naeun answered shortly.

“Good how?”

“Can never top you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“You know I’m never worried about that. How are you getting along with him? Are you guys close enough to become good friends?”

“Why are you concern about that more than my mother?”

“I just wanna know. I talked to a couple of friends in the office and they say you guys click so well. You guys even get into the office together.”

“That’s not true.”

“So you guys don’t click?”

“We do not go together to the office.”

“Oh,” Mina gasped, and then shrugged her shoulders. “Oh well, you were always late. So, you guys are close?”

“I don’t know. I don’t how to put it exactly. Are we close? Are we not close? I just don't know, Mina. If it’s easy, I would’ve told you, but really, I actually don’t know. He can be very, very cold and sarcastic at times – or most of the times – but sometimes he’s quite alright.”

“Okay,” Mina slightly grinned, fond of the way Naeun described her friendship with Jongin. “That sounds – cool. Complicated, but still cool.”

“Please don’t use the word ‘cool’. You’re a mother of four - or five."

“Don’t judge me. I’m still having my post-natal depression.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

THE visit to the hospital had to end when the visiting time was over. Naeun promised she would come visit her friend again tomorrow.  She got to her car and drove back home to enjoy the rest of her off-day.

Naeun slid into the parking lot of her apartment basement and realized that Jongin’s car was not where it was this morning. She walked past the empty spot and sighed inwardly.

Are they officially in a real fight?

She was waiting patiently in front of the elevator when she heard her phone went off in her purse. Naeun reached for her iPhone and read the name across the screen. It was her dad.

“Hello daddy,” Naeun greeted off casually. “Good morning.”

“Naeun,” Jihoo was hasty, and from the serious tone of his voice, Naeun could almost tell she was in for something unpleasant.

“Yeah?”

“Where are you? I need to see you. Can you come home?”

“Okay. But I just got to my apartment, so I might take some time to-”

“Right now, Naeun. I need to talk to you about your intern secretary.”

Naeun was surprised by the direct mention of Jongin by her dad, and she was scared her dad had somehow found out about what happened between them last night by the Han River.

“Jongin?” Naeun mused unconsciously.

And then, in that very moment, the door to the elevator opened to reveal still Jongin inside, leaning against the wall of the elevator. He slighltly gasped when he looked up to find Naeun looking at him in surprise.