LUST >> Emilieee
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MESSAGe in a bottle
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » Emilieee
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 7
genres » Romcom, bakery!au, model!au, slice of life
description » Freshly graduated from university, with no stable job in sight and recuperating from a bad break up, Kang Seri spends her days managing her parents’ bakery. The most entertaining thing in her life is the man on the other side of the number she’d accidentally drunk-texted instead of her ex a month ago. Miraculously, he's still talking to her, and his life almost seems to be as much of a mess as Seri's is. Then Korea’s top model Byun Baekhyun starts dropping by at the bakery, and Seri resolves that if there’s any time to get herself together, it’s now.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (3.5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 1/2
CLARITY » 0.5/1
On first impression, the title encompasses an allusive connotation. It's very relevant to the 'messaging' theme running strong in your story. I think the title has potential to become quite iconic and memorable, especially if you deliver a unique narrative. At this stage, it's not quite clear why you named the story as it is. This is okay since the story isn't close to being done yet (or so I hope). There should be heaps of time for you to work the narrative and weave in some significance and relevance to the title, if not planned out already. I'd be excited to see whether you'll give any correlation to 'bottle' or if you will leave it as simply part of a metaphor, though, I hope it's the former. No major issues here.
graphics (4.5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 1.5/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
I absolutely love the colour scheme of your poster. The dark green and light purple-blue mix creates a superficial vibe, and not in a negative way. I get a filmy atmosphere which I think is fitting with both Seri's relationship to 'short king' and her tentative meetings with Baekhyun in person. Great to see inclusion of mobile phones to represent Seri's written- communication relation to 'short king', particularly as this is the first friendship we are introduced to in the story. I would recommend adding an image of our main narrator though; Baekhyun looks a bit lonely up there. The absence of Seri in the poster also gives the impression that Baekhyun is the main narrator, which is not true. Just a personal opinion though, this suggestion is not a must.
I highly rate matching chapter backgrounds. Your chapter background looks different to the poster but I think it's simply a different hue. Creates a warm and fuzzy vibe for the eye to see when reading through the chapters. All in all, no complaints in this category.
description and foreword (10)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description is kept short and sweet which stands as a pull-in in itself. It targets the messaging theme and the meetings with Baekhyun in reality, both of which the story is centred on, and who can argue with strong relevance. The Description also provides a brief introduction to Seri's character background, which is great to see as she is the one of our two main narrators. I think the blurb provides sufficient information in an efficient manner, leaving enough for the readers to want to know more whilst not revealing too much. Similarly, the Foreword is arranged cleanly with the content aligned to the centre. Extremely pleasing to the eye.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Style of the font, font size and spacings are all neatly organised which throw a seamless touch to the visual flow of the story. I'm able to view your chapters in a relaxed manner. There was only one slip-up with the spacing in Part I which a quick fix would solve:
[yesterday] seri
my cousin always tells me he’s 5’10 but we all know he’s 5’8 and it’s also common knowledge men will add two inches onto their height so honestly i think you’re maybe 5’7 on a good day
[yesterday] short king
on a good day oN A GOOD DAY?>??? miss maam what u tryna imply with that
All in all, very happy with this section. Keep up the good work!
PLOT (25)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 7.5/10
development of plot » 7.5/10
There are aplenty elements that make up this storyline which make Message in a Bottle a worthy read. The foundation which effectively makes up Seri's character is strong and reliable, with the history of an ex-partner, the post-break up messages to a stranger subsequently sparking an adorable friendship, and the daily management of her family bakery. The plot is presented with a touch of hilarity, your sense of humour shining through the text messages. It provides great entertainment for readers who appeal to this type of humour, adding a unique liveliness to the read. Moreover, it's useful and intriguing that you include real-life issues in the text messaging like the aftermath of a breakup career choices. Seri and Baekhyun endorse conversations we typically have, and should have, in real life as humans. This really drives the realistic component of your characters and storyline as a whole. The readers are prompted to think about these practical issues, and maybe some may correlate to their personal take on certain issues and principles. It's an impactful method of connecting with the audience and evoking thought and emotion. I see the text communication as a defining element of your story and commend you on your work. And as if you need any more practicality, the frequent grammatical mistakes within the texts add to the realism, creativity and enjoyment of the read. Wow.
The storyline is developing at a relatively slow pace but I don't think it's an issue considering how the scenes are set out and the fact that you opt to write across multiple chapters instead of throwing 10, 000 words in one go. We are also in what I think are still the early stages of the composition, so I'm definitely not concerned about what has happened so far. I hope you do have a set plan for Seri and Baekhyun to grow as characters through situations that occur or story events they induce. Going off the current chapters, I trust you have lots in store and will be able to deliver satisfactorily. You are already doing this so continue keeping in mind the value of each scene the narrative endorses, the effect of such scenes and how you can make the most out of your characters through these events so the story maintains excitement and smooth fluidity. This is how the plot will blossom into something special.
characterisation (7)
development of characters » 2/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
The characters of Seri and Baekhyun are engrossing. As mentioned in the previous category, Seri is very well-established in her current life routine. It's easy for an author to resort to an ordinary and uninteresting character but I think you add a very playful personality to Seri, showcased predominantly through her text communication with Baekhyun and banters with Sehun and Jieun. It's intriguing to see her endorse a passive and mellow persona. She seems to accept her life the way it is with her messy relation to Jimin and the ongoing stress of running a bakery as well as managing studies. Yet she somehow runs on bright energy daily and casts a positive attitude, when she is not reminded or confronted by Jimin. Baekhyun is also entertaining to read about. He adopts the common familiarity with his career and recognises that he badly wants something different. At the moment, he feels quite ordinary with his lack of love life and dynamics in friendships but I think you are on track to change that soon with character development. Inducing change would make sure he doesn't stay stagnant and become boring to the readers. It'll be interesting to observe the different energy your story will emit when Seri and Baekhyun begin to transform each other.
At this stage there is minimal development with Seri and Baekhyun's characters. There is most movement with Seri in her journey to get over Jimin but she doesn't feel much different from who she is at the beginning of the story. This is not as concerning, unless you're about to wrap up the fic. You definitely have lots of time to induce change. Development in a story's characters keeps the read refreshing, the plot moving, and the characters realistic and relatable. I see a lot of opportunities for both Seri and Baekhyun to reform themselves from who they were at the start of the fic, with continual interaction and perhaps escalation with their penpal relationship. Seri seems on track for now with her progressive day-by-day process post-break up. Her slow progress also makes for a suitable and realistic pace. It will be exciting to see where you take it from here.
Interestingly, your side characters have very minimal effect on the storyline. They play very minor roles in observing and minorly reacting to how Seri and Baekhyun run the story. This is not a bad thing and they don't have a negative effect on the composition at the moment, so no complaints here. Up to you if you want to continue limiting your side characters' effect as it is or introduce change to potentially spice it up. Kyungsoo looks like he can bring an eventful impact to the narrative with his curt personality towards Baekhyun.
Character influence on the story so far has a strong effect, with much of Seri and Baekhyun's interactions driving the storyline. It's great to see their every action and comment turn the narrative in different directions. Keeps the story thrilling, and in effect, engaging. Amazing work with this component.
content description (10)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 5/5
The vibe of your writing feels productive. Each scene, description, comment and dialogue seem to serve a higher purpose which is great to see. I'm liking how you strictly stick to your characters' perspectives, where if we are in Seri's point of view we are not privy to Baekhyun's thoughts and feelings, and vice versa. It's entertaining for the readers, progressively knowing how one thinks when we are viewing the story through the other's eyes. The shifts in perspective allow us to presume how the other character is reacting to situations without actually knowing, as you take great care to not diverge to the other's point of view. Before starting your story I had expected the entirety of Message in a Bottle to be shown through Seri's eyes only, but I am liking Baekhyun's take on things. I find it bodes well with showcasing the complexity of his character. To have stuck to Seri's only may have limited our insight into what makes Baekhyun compelling and not a simple love interest. Additionally, there is an ample amount of description with your characters and settings. It's great to see constant use of imagery to portray how a scene plays out, rather than telling how a character feels or thinks. Here's an example from Part VI where I particularly appealed to use of show-don't-tell:
The typing bubble appears, then disappears, then reappears. Baekhyun begins to eat his yogurt apprehensively, waiting for her to finally send the text. He has finished his bowl of yogurt when she responds at last.
I like the way you didn't resort to simply saying 'Baekhyun waited for Seri's response whilst eating yoghurt'. You added a lot more content for the readers to feed off and it also serves the purpose of revealing more about how a character is. So Baekhyun likes yoghurt huh. Inclusion of effective imagery reveals many things an author may not be thinking of. I encourage you to keep refining this skill! All the boxes are also ticked with describing new settings as they come and go. It's easy for an author to neglect this aspect so I'm very happy with your attention to detail. You already know I appeal to your writing so I think I know I don't have to extract examples of what pleases me. Although let me know if you do want to see what I'm liking.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
The flow of the story is controlled at a very smooth pace, making it an extremely seamless read. The pacing is suitable given the growing connection between Seri and Baekhyun in person, with their messaging connection riding strong in the background. You take your time with each scene, emphasising their growing interest of each other, and I don't find any particular one dragging on for too long or lacking any content. I think the story's events and the main characters' relationship to each other are going swimmingly. Excellent work here!
grammar (10)
punctuation » 4/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
This section is immaculate; very happy with your consistent use of punctuation and present tense. There are some advanced terms littered here and there, and I encourage greater use of it to enhance the reading experience. The frequent texting mistakes are a nice touch, and though they are grammatically incorrect, I won't take off any spelling marks given the nature of this communication. I did come across minimal mistakes which I've picked out below. The two messaging ones I'm not sure if you intentionally wrote but I think they might be accidental repeats. There weren't any recurring issues however, so this category is exemplary so far.
Part I
The screen is so blindly that it feels loud, and Seri must turn the brightness down before she can scroll through the notifications.
The screen is so blinding that it feels loud, and Seri must turn the brightness down before she can scroll through the notifications.
i’m 5’9 i’ll have you know which i’ll have you know is taller than the national average
i’m 5’9 i’ll have you know which i’ll have you know is taller than the national average
will you change it back it back if i tell u my real height
please
will you change it back it back if i tell u my real height
please
“What you’re dietician can’t see, what you didn’t eat,” Kyungsoo has once told Baekhyun, which is complete and utter bull, but also conveniently the motto Baekhyun now lives by.
“What your dietician can’t see, what you didn’t eat,” Kyungsoo has once told Baekhyun, which is complete and utter bull, but also conveniently the motto Baekhyun now lives by.
Part II
He smiles a bit at that, but much of Baekhyun’s mind dwells on the fact that mentioning the fact that his face is plastered on the bus stop across the street seems to have dampened the mood considerably, and that’s completely his fault.
He smiles a bit at that, but much of Baekhyun’s mind dwells on the fact that mentioning the fact that his face is plastered on the bus stop across the street seems to have dampened the mood considerably, and that’s completely his fault.
Part VI
… which he really should do, because he’s waking up at five to help Seri bake.
… Which he really should do, because he’s waking up at five to help Seri bake.
When he opens their messages, he realizes the picture is exactly as it’s file name reads.
When he opens their messages, he realizes the picture is exactly as its file name reads.
taste of story (9)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 4/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 1/1
I found your chapters enchanting in a comedic sense. As explained above, I enjoyed the texting element littered throughout your story as the primary driver of Seri and Baekhyun's relationship (so far), and as a very relatable manner of communication in today's age. I personally liked all of what was communicated and laughed at most of the banter. I also appreciate the short chapters - love short and sweet writes. Grammar is meticulous as always and the pacing of the story ensured I was able absorb the events appropriately. It's very obvious to me you're controlling the flow of the story and not letting the flow control you. I constantly found I had an adequate amount of time to let the little details sink in, especially with how Seri and Baekhyun view their respective lives and enjoy each other's company without you explicitly stating so. I can deduce that easily from their text responses. It's not a particularly unique relationship to have but I feel like it's not common to read about a friendship portrayed predominantly through text, so I think this foundation comes out exceptionally to the audience. You write in a way that's very realistic and practical, with no false or deceptive leads to insignificant events. I'm definitely enjoying Message in a Bottle so far and am excited to see how things will unravel soon. Best of luck with the rest of your composition! In this review, you've scored super high for a very unfinished story. Your writing is insanity on crack. I thank you again for requesting - you are welcome to continue coming back whenever you need :)
total score (89)
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