LUST >> purplerain-
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mind game
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » purplerain-
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 7
genres » Drama, Comedy
description » While Seulgi tries to survive as the lone transfer student of Fairchild Preparatory School, she gets caught in the center of a power struggle between the two candidates for the student council president.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is an effective pull-in with both the succinctness and common use of this phrase in current times. I would most likely click into your fanfiction if I were scrolling through a list. Relevance is also very clear with frequent interactions of Seulgi's consciousness, matching appropriately with the 'brain' theme in the storyline. I'm impressed to see such strong linkage this early on in your fic, with the few chapters posted. All thumbs up here!
graphics (3)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2
correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
As there is no dedicated story poster, I suggest grabbing a graphic just to add to the aesthetics of the Foreword. An appealing poster would also assist the readers with remembering the story along with its title. Nevertheless, the current image is seemingly relevant with all the focus on our main narrator in school uniform. I do like the pick of the photo where Seulgi has a preoccupied look on her face, which may intrigue some readers. Other than that though, there is an absence of the title to mark the poster as well as author credits. It is, however, entirely up to you whether you want to look into a story graphic. You've got 3/5 marks as it is :)
description and foreword (9)
APPEAL of the description » 3/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description is short, sweet and highly relevant. There are no misleading elements and it sums up your current storyline extremely efficiently. I would recommend adding a little more to the Description to spice it up though. Maybe throw in a hint about what's to come for Seulgi or the other characters. This would give viewers a better idea about any intensity which may happen in the fic, driving reader interest. Otherwise, the Description is adequate as it is.
The Foreword is also alluring with a sneak peek of Irene's personality. It should spark some curiousity in the readers if not already taken away by the Description, and encourage them to start reading. I would suggest considering the value of only including Irene though, as it's clear from both the Description and current chapters of the story that both Irene and Wendy hold equal value as adversaries in the plot. So it could be taken as a little misleading to only see Irene be featured in the Foreword and for Wendy to have no presence. Something to think about. Other than that, great introduction to the vibe of Fairchild Prep so the readers are properly prepared and interested.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Font, font size and spatial divisions are consistent for the most part. Messy formatting can affect the reading flow for some which isn't ideal. Occasionally, I came across different spacing with your chapter divisions, some examples being the divisions in Chapter 2 - The Brain Game. See how there is less spacing in the divisions as opposed to other chapters. Just be more vigilant with these when continuing your story. A couple more minor pick-ups in Chapter 1 - The New Kid where there appears to be an extra space in between words:
Seulgi frowned.
...
You tell her nothing unless you want to find yourself in the fourth floor sleeping on mats and not being able to bath until five a.m.
Other than that, quite content with how your chapters are currently presented, so keep up the great work!
PLOT (20.5)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 8.5/10
the effect of events » 7/10
development of plot » 5/10
As far as it's going, the plot is really well written with clear incorporation of the narrator's consciousness. The different aspects of the brain show distinctive personalities which, combined with the variety of side characters, keep the read engaging. The way you weave in events that occur in the story effectively allows the reader to learn more about Seulgi as the main character and narrator, which enables us to understand and empathise for her. The high school setting is typical yet complements Seulgi's role in the fic quite well. As of current, it's enticing to observe how Seulgi responds to her social setting, such as the cheating policies and social division among students. It'd be interesting to see if any more significance will be given to the school setting. I thought the separation between the Reds and Whites were a nice and unique touch. Will it turn into something more than its short mention? From the first chapter, it seemed like the division would become important in the fic so perhaps we'll see something arise later on. Same goes with the accommodation hierarchy. These elements illustrate the superior vs inferior theme capitulated in Mind Game, which is a great reflection of the hierarchical societies we observed back then in the 1900's and are still somewhat present today. This makes for a great introduction to an enduring and distinct read.
In all, the storyline seems very promising so far which is impressive with the few chapters posted at the moment. However, I won't be able to award any marks further than what's presented and this goes the same for the rest of the review. At this stage, it's not entirely clear what the true storyline is, but I don't think this is a major issue as the story is just starting out (or so I believe). Nevertheless, exemplary work so far and I have little doubt you'll be delivering something spectacular with Mind Game.
characterisation (7)
development of characters » 2/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
There is a strong focus on Seulgi as the sole main character of the fic which ties in well with all of the scenes being told through her point of view. She seems like a person who relatively knows her place and has amazing capacity to absorb everything new going on around her. She doesn't have a particularly common attitude towards life where's she's predictably optimistic or pessimistic. The way this character conducts herself definitely keeps the readers on their toes. The other characters also introduce a level of intensity and curiousity in the story in their own individual way. They direct the storyline to different directions whenever they make an appearance. Again, I'm astounded with how much of this is already coming out, so early on in the fic. I'd be keen to see where these minor characters end up and the extent of their influence on the storyline. I do believe you're on track to creating something special with the storyline of this fic and it's no different with characterisation. Looks like you're on track so far. From here, start thinking about character development if not already, particularly with how Seulgi will be shaped and molded into somone potentially different based on her surroundings. We want characters, especially the main ones, to undergo change throughout the story. This retains reader interest and keeps the read realistic and believable.
content description (10)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 5/5
There is some great use of description with sufficient attention given to the introduction of a new character. This helps the readers visualise what each major or minor character looks like, effectively setting the scene. Same goes with description of locations, which a lot of authors neglect, so that there is little confusion as to what's going on. You provide the necessary imagery from the get-go, with some great examples in Chapter 1 - The New Kid. So far you haven't failed to describe the settings so that the readers visually stay on the same page. The style of your descriptiveness is also intriguing. You convey the vagueness of certain characters' actions and expressions, in the way Seulgi perceives and in a manner which feels very natural. Subtleties indicating the other characters' intention of hiding something are portrayed quite well and don't feel forced upon Seulgi nor the readers. This maintains curiousity which complements the consciousness vs reality interplay portrayed prominently within the fic. I'm very impressed with your attention to detail and its effect on narration. Currently, you're ticking all the boxes for me in this category.
flow (4)
suitability of the flow » 1/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
The pacing of the story is very controlled. You take your time with narrating each scene so that sufficient time is provided to the readers for them to absorb everything that's going on. I didn't feel any particular point in the fic was rushed or moving too slowly. In effect, each event contributes a high value to the storyline and prompts the readers to really think about what the scenes mean for Seulgi. Suitability of the flow in my opinion is linked to the plot, which of course we are only starting to see some escalation, so at this point I can't give full marks with that component. Other than that, no complaints here.
grammar (10)
punctuation » 4/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
I came across very little grammatical mistakes, which makes me extremely happy. There is a good amount of advanced vocabulary to keep the narration engaging. I found no tense collisions and minimal spelling mistakes. Below errors are pretty much all the ones I came across. Keep up the great work!
Chapter 1 - The New Kid
Seulgi passed by several students before she was met by a large, gruff girl—who folded her arms and scowled at her as one would scowl at something unpleasant.
Seulgi passed by several students before she was met by a large, gruff girl, who folded her arms and scowled at her as one would scowl at something unpleasant.
When using hyphens ( - ), make sure that the two sentences which the hyphen separate can stand alone as if the hyphen was a period ( . ). 'Who folded her arms and scowled at her as one would scowl at something unpleasant' can't stand on its own.
“Password?” The large girl said.
“Password?” the large girl asked.
Chapter 2 - The Brain Game
(No)
(No.)
Chapter 4 - The Decider
There was a hollowness in her ears and suddenly, she felt like she couldn’t breath.
There was a hollowness in her ears and suddenly, she felt like she couldn’t breathe.
Chapter 5 - The Student Council President
I don’t who you think I am
I don’t know who you think I am
taste of story (8.5)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 3.5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 1/1
So far, I'm really enjoying the read. The plot is mysterious and intriguing with a variety of alluring characters. Seulgi herself appears as an enigma to the readers despite being the sole narrator. Each minor character showcases a different personality, all distinguished in their own way, and I'm eager to see whether they can be linked altogether to seamlessly tie together the storyline. Each character stands out in her own way though I don't have a particular favourite at this point in the fic. The story is very easy to read with impeccable grammar and an appropriately controlled pace. As discussed above, I'm not entirely sure where the plot is going or what the true storyline is. However, you are just starting out so I'm not all that concerned. The invasions from Seulgi's brain are an interesting touch and I'm keen to see what it will lead to. This is definitely one of the defining elements of Mind Game, as the title relevantly suggests. All in all, very impressed with what you have written so far, and as mentioned previously, I have every faith you'll be able to continue creating something special with Mind Game. In my opinion, I think you've scored fairly high for your first batch of chapters. Let me know if you want me to comment on anything more or want elaboration on particular points. All the very best with the rest of the composition.
total score (82)
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