LUST >> dinjin
LUST review shop
miSCONDUCT
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » dinjin
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 25
genres » Humor/crack, romcom, crime.
description » Upon discovering her stepfather's affair, Nam Juri vows to pulverise him for everything he has. Unfortunately for her, the mistress' son is Oh Sehun, the cold-hearted and mysterious delinquent that always seems to be one step ahead of her.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is simple and succinct. Use of the one-word leaves it short and endearing. If I were scrolling through a list of fanfictions, I would have likely been curious and enticed, and clicked into your your story. Significance and relevance of the title was revealed quite early on which is great. Further, I think it's a very fitting label for your composition. No complaints here!
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The poster is very appealing to the eye. Got lots of images and patterns going in the background which risks distraction to the eye, but I honestly think it's arranged in a very artful way. Title is very large and impressionable, creating a stark contrast in colour compared to the rest of the poster. It's also clear that Sehun is the main character of the fanfiction, though I may recommend having an image representing Juri in there as well, but this is not an entirely major issue. Little bits and pieces in the background don't reveal much about the storyline but aren't randomly placed there for the sake of the poster. Creates a sort of mysterious and enticing atmosphere. Only positive comments here!
description and foreword (9)
APPEAL of the description » 3/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
Description doesn't offer much but despite the brevity, it perfectly captures the essence of the storyline. I'm truly amazed how you can sum up your narrative in just two sentences. I'm very much against at long and excessive descriptions so it was definitely a winner for me, but I might recommend considering putting in one more sentence to further entice the readers. As it is, it's very appealing, but one more sentence wouldn't hurt to seal the deal. Perhaps you can slip in another line about the evilness of Juri's stepfather, or a line revealing why she wants to expose the affair and punish her stepfather. This would allow an extra moment for the readers to absorb the storyline and prepare them for the drama ahead.
The rest of the Description and Foreword, as I'm sure we can all agree on, is incredibly attractive. Choice of quote in the Description perfectly frames the story and adds to the enigma that is very important to a reader's first impression. Reveals some facts without corresponding explanation to give anything away. The colouring of the layout matches the poster and the story background, which I'm very happy with. Excellent work!
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Font and font sizes were immaculate. Spatial divisions were also very consistent, save for the extract below. The story background is extremely lovely and cute, I found it very calming to have it in my peripheral vision whilst reading your chapters. It's very suitable to the romantic theme pulsing throughout the story too. I'm very impressed by this section.
There was only one instance in Chapter 020 where there lacked one spacing in between your lines:
This man is genuinely insane. I know I say that about many people, perhaps even inflate the meaning of the word, but he's ing coocoo!
Why is he smiling like that? Why does he gave a gun? Why is he pointing it at me?
PLOT (29)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 9/10
development of plot » 10/10
The plot is portrayed very much in a creatively enigmatic manner. Readers are led on to believe that the storyline revolves around Juri attempting to expose Sanghoon for the dickbag he is, but then Juri entangles herself into a world of Sehun and crimes. Events are constantly tossed onto Juri, not letting the readers have a breather, which sustains the intensity of the reader and lets pure excitement and curiousity thrive. Flashes of Sehun and Juri's personal pasts are revealed quite tautingly to the readers, which is just excellent. Friend adversaries add to the drama to the whole thing - Junmyeon and Mina's questionable affability creating an appropriate amount of suspense to move the story along.
Usually, I wouldn't be able to award high marks in this section for fanfictions that haven't been completed yet, simply because there wouldn't be complete substance to grant full marks. However, with Misconduct I can tell that you have lots in store to reveal to the readers because you always keep us on our toes. Just when we think that Sehun and Juri can finally be at peace with each other and maybe cultivate their romantic connection, Junmyeon exposes Sehun to Juri and the plot thickens! Amazing.
Throughout all the drama that Juri has been through, there was only one question mark raised recently for me. The scene where Juri turns the tables on Sehun and starts threatening him to get him back may be littleeee overstretched. If she was confined in solitude in the detention facility without Junmyeon's visits and run-ins with Sehun and Baekhyun, how does she have access to technology to access Sanghoon's Google calender and schedule emails to expose Sehun and co.? This seems a bit out of the blue to me, mainly because it was definitely mentioned earlier on that she had no access to technology until she was given that box of a phone. Perhaps I've missed some further explanation?
characterisation (10)
development of characters » 5/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
This category is executed very effectively. There is clear development in Juri and Sehun as the two most major characters in your story. Already I can see major changes to their personalities, the way they perceive daily occurrences, and their exterior attitudes towards others. Juri has a terribly amusing sense of humour that adds so much fun to the characters, and the sneak peeks of Sehun's perspective allow the readers to gain some insight as to what's going on from his end. Neither personality has stayed stagnant for too long and there's a clear linkage of change with every pivotal scene that happens. I also absolutely love the colourful personas you have created with your side characters. There is a range of playfulness, hostility and friendliness in key minor characters including Baekhyun, Junmyeon, Mina and Minji. These minor characters bring varying intensities to the read which helps keep the readers curious and engaged. Really effective presentation of your characters, both major and minor. Very, very happy here.
content description (10)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 5/5
Your style of narration is so effortlessly engaging and entertaining! Great use of italicisation and rhetorical questions to emphasise Juri's point of view. I find that you have balanced these writing techniques really well to keep the readers hooked. Descriptions of setting and use of character dialogue don't overwhelm the readers because you supplement them really well with Juri's colourful thoughts and observations. Her sense of humour is outrageously delightful. The constant use of new idioms keeps the read fresh and negates the risk of boredom to your readers. I definitely encourage using more idioms to keep things spicy. I really can't give much suggestion to improve your writing because you're doing a spectacular job already. Keep up the excellent work!
In your recent chapters though, I found two sections where there was too much repetition with your narration. I get that you're trying to emphasise the progression of the story by repeating phrases and words, but in Chapters 021 - 023, I found the repetiton was too excessive to the point where emphasis is lost and the read becomes a little tedious. For the first example, repitition of 'He is silent' in Chapters 021 and 022 was constant. Again, I understand that you are doing it for emphasis, but my opinion that half or three-quarters of repitition was sufficient to deliver the point to the readers. Overextending repetition can risk boredom to the readers. My experience was that I already knew what you were describing, so it was easy for me to skim through that particular section of your story.
Another instance is when you used 'ing' a few too many times in Chapter 023. For the record, I absolutely love the placement of profanities throughout your chapters and I appreciate the warning about the vulgar language in your Foreword. I have zero filter either. However, at this point in the extract below, you used 'ing' so many times in such a short section of your chapter that it became excessive to the point where the word loses its effect:
"You are worse than Junmyeon, because at least he's not acting the way you are right now. If you have something to ing say, then say it. But it seems very clear to me that there is nothing you can say that would be worth my time. Just get lost, won't you? I hate you. I hate you more than words can even ing say."
"The thing is," he finally hisses back, overcome by his own anger, "I don't ing care if you hate me. That's fine with me. But stop ing walking away from me. I hate it, Juri."
[...]
"Just hate me, Nam Juri. But... stop ing walking away, will you? I hate seeing your back all the time. I... I just..."
Given your experience and talent in writing, I hope you can see what I mean. I would say not writing the word would have been just as effective to get across Juri's anger and incredulity, and Sehun's desperation. Again, I don't have anything against using profanities in writings but just be mindful of overusing words in a short period of time.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
You have a very good handle on the pace of the story. Most of your scenes weren't lacking in explanation at all so overall, the flow is presented fairly seamlessly. I appreciate that you spend sufficient time creating the scene for the readers.
One section to note though, is the aftermath of Juri finding out that Sehun had kept the audio recording of her admitting an attempted act of crime, and sent it to Sanghoon. Perhaps the exploration of Juri's feelings was dragged on for a little too long. I get that she was very much speechless at finding this out and needed a lot of time to process, but I did feel like it was going on for too long. Particularly, the repetition of Sehun's silence was little excessive, as explained above. This is my opinion and your readers may think otherwise, so this is just something to consider. Other than that, very happy with the rest of the flow!
grammar (9)
punctuation » 3/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
There are very minial grammatical errors that I came across in your chapters. There is really good use of vocabulary, especially use of synonyms to describe the way a character speaks, and idioms, as mentioned above. This keeps the read fresh and entertaining. I was very happy with punctuation up until Chapter 013. Thereafter, there seems to be a major issue regarding tag-verb collision, which I will discuss below with examples. I'm a bit confused though, as I didn't find that you had a problem with punctuation in the chapters preceding 13. Few instances of spelling errors that I'm not too fussed about, considering how many words you have written for each chapter. Here are some mistakes and corrections:
Chapter 05
Sehun glares a dagger at his friends while the cheery one's laugh echoes through the building. "He's cruel, isn't he?"
Sehun glares daggers at his friends while the cheery one's laugh echoes through the building. "He's cruel, isn't he?"
Chapter 013
I catch myself smiling at this sight, and immediately dropping it when I realise how stupid I look.
I catch myself smiling at this sight, and immediately drop it when I realise how stupid I look.
"Fine, hold your own tray then," He pouts with a small sulk, and only now do I notice that he's holding two trays of food.
"Fine, hold your own tray then," he pouts with a small sulk, and only now do I notice that he's holding two trays of food.
"Guys, you wanna hear something funny?" Mina interrupts me, turning her head to face the others at the table, "So, okay, maybe I had a crush on Sehun but I didn't know that Juri was secretly dating him!"
"Guys, you wanna hear something funny?" Mina interrupts me, turning her head to face the others at the table. "So, okay, maybe I had a crush on Sehun but I didn't know that Juri was secretly dating him!"
"Okay, maybe I already knew that... Sorry, to be honest with you, I did get a little annoyed last night," Then she waves two defensive hands about, "But not because I was jealous. It's just 'cause I felt like you lied about not knowing him well when I asked you. The truth is you do know him well, don't you?"
Up until this chapter, you've been quite consistent with using the correct punctuation surrounding character dialogue. However, the second half of your story has seen some tag-verb collisions. When you follow up a character dialogue with the way the character speaks, like 'said', 'commented', 'murmured', etc, you should use a comma after the dialogue. However, if you follow up the dialogue with a character's action, you should use a period ( . ). Further, if you decide to continue the character's dialogue sandwiching description by which a character speaks or acts (as an interlude), you should punctuate in one of two ways.
One, use a period to end the sentence and capitalise the first letter of the next sentence, in line with normal punctuation rules:
"Okay, maybe I already knew that... Sorry, to be honest with you, I did get a little annoyed last night." Then she waves two defensive hands about. "But not because I was jealous. It's just 'cause I felt like you lied about not knowing him well when I asked you. The truth is you do know him well, don't you?"
Two, use a comma to continue the sentence and leave the first letter of the next sentence in lower case:
"Okay, maybe I already knew that... Sorry, to be honest with you, I did get a little annoyed last night," then she waves two defensive hands about, "but not because I was jealous. It's just 'cause I felt like you lied about not knowing him well when I asked you. The truth is you do know him well, don't you?"
Hopefully that makes sense. Some more examples and corrections in relation to tag-verb collisions:
"Go get changed, I'll wait out here," She takes out her phone and sits there, texting.
"Go get changed, I'll wait out here," she takes out her phone and sits there, texting.
"I'm not ing stupid, ," She fumes, "I know Sehun has higher standards than chicks that could pass off for ogres."
"Wow," I place a hand over my chest, "That deeply hurt my feelings! You have shattered my self-confidence! I just don't think I can live on anymore!" I cry sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
"I'm not ing stupid, ," she fumes, "I know Sehun has higher standards than chicks that could pass off for ogres."
"Wow." I place a hand over my chest. "That deeply hurt my feelings! You have shattered my self-confidence! I just don't think I can live on anymore!" I cry sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
Chapter 014
"You cracked it," He hisses at me and I defensively wave my arms about.
"You cracked it," he hisses at me and I defensively wave my arms about.
"And, yet again, that was because of you," He lifts a brow at me and snidely narrows his eyes.
"And, yet again, that was because of you." He lifts a brow at me and snidely narrows his eyes.
"Right," I roll my eyes, "So your solution was to barge in, kick down the table, then kick down both the chairs, and then yell at her," I rub my chin with my fingers, "Sounds about right."
"Right," I roll my eyes, "so your solution was to barge in, kick down the table, then kick down both the chairs, and then yell at her." I rub my chin with my fingers. "Sounds about right."
"You could ask nicely," I hiss back, "Instead of being a pompous ."
"You could ask nicely," I hiss back, "instead of being a pompous ."
"Honey," He smiles rigidly, "Don't you think if I wanted you dead, I would do that without endangering myself?"
"Honey," he smiles rigidly, "don't you think if I wanted you dead, I would do that without endangering myself?"
"Listen," He growls, clearly growing irritated at me, "I don't have time for this, get the hell in or I'm leaving."
"Listen," he growls, clearly growing irritated at me, "I don't have time for this, get the hell in or I'm leaving."
Chapter 018
I roll my eyes, but releasing a small snigger under my breath.
I roll my eyes, but release a small snigger under my breath.
Chapter 019
''[...] If you ever see get emails or calls or text messages like these again, just ignore them. Only things like these will come through mail."
''[...] If you ever see get emails or calls or text messages like these again, just ignore them. Only things like these will come through mail."
Chapter 020
And while Junmyeon is normally retreating behind a facade of cheeriness, this is the first time I'm having a peek inside its little crevaces.
And while Junmyeon is normally retreating behind a facade of cheeriness, this is the first time I'm having a peek inside its little crevices.
Chapter 021
And I feel his body stiffen against mine, like he's at a lost with what to do.
And I feel his body stiffen against mine, like he's at a loss with what to do.
Chapter 023
He has really pulled all the stops tonight.
He has really pulled out all the stops tonight.
taste of story (10)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 1/1
I found myself absolutely hooked onto your story. The range of intense and dramatic events that occur are so gripping. Presentation of Sehun as a cruel but charming character make him so, so appealing. Definitely played on my heartstrings. As discussed above, the different dynamics that the side characters make Misconduct that much more entertaining and I applaud you for your effort. Grammar was almost immaculate, style of narration was very pleasurable, and the constant humorous tones drove it home for me. The only issue that slightly bothered me was perhaps the length of your chapters, but given how well you controlled the flow and ensured enough description was incorporated in your writing, I can hardly mark you down for that. All in all, I'm very much in love with this story and I'm keen to see how it all plays out in the end. This is one the best scores I've given in a review and I hope you're happy with it. Thank you for requesting and best of luck with the rest of your writing!
total score (97)
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