LUST >> peachny
LUST review shop
this stupid love.
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » peachny
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 11
genres » Romance
description » Hyesoo (oc) has never dated before in her life and has a big crush on her friend Sehun back in high school but sadly got rejected. then one day, her friends set her up on a blind date and found out it was the her friend she crushed back in the days and then sehun asked her to be his fake girlfriend so that he could win the girl of his dream.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself. "
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (3)
appeal » 1/2
correlation » 1/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is a good length but seems a little cliche. That can be made all okay if we can see perfect connection to the story - this means that we should be able to confidently say the title frames the story. At this stage, I can sense there is relevance and am excited to see you solidify it. However, there is no clear and coherent link as of yet. It's obvious that This stupid Love entails romance, so in a general sense, it's quite fitting. On a smaller note, I hope that 'stupid' is kept in lower case on purpose and that there is some significance in the variation. The Grammar Nazi inside me is currently screaming.
graphics (0)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 0/2
correlation to the story » 0/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0/1
I would recommend grabbing a poster, as though we shouldn't judge a book by its cover, it does add to the appeal of the story. This is particularly the case on this website - graphics draw readers in and give a visual introduction to the story. Using appropriate images of the idols and choosing the relevant vibe of the background (by colour and pattern) can go a long way to entice the readers and give that last nudge to pull them in. This website also gives many opportunities for authors to request posters from designers, so definitely give it some consideration.
description and foreword (7)
APPEAL of the description » 2/4
appropriateness of the description » 3/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description and Foreword are both kept very neat and relatively brief, which is very appealing to the reader. The Description is a very strong introduction to your story as it gives the readers the full picture of what your plot is going to be based on. However, you may want to take into consideration that your Description reveals too much of the story. It gives a lot of background that doesn't need to be included in the overview of This stupid Love because you cover it in your chapters anyway. The readers don't need particular details in the summary of your fic, specifics such as "A few years pass, I was in a prime time of my college life". The rest can also be shortened - as a rule of thumb, aim for under eight lines. Having more sentences than necessary loses the impact of each sentence, and we always want to keep Descriptions engaging and effective enough for the readers. For grammatical errors, please don't forget the periods ( . ) at the end of your sentences, as there are two lines without one. I'll go over your recurring mistakes below in Grammar, but I want to point out here that you should be very aware and direct in your focus to keep narration in either present or past tense, but not both. This would mean choosing 'wants' (present) over 'wanted' (past), or 'wavered' (past) over 'wavers' (present). Using either tense is fine but the key is to stay consistent and not switch back and forth. If this doesn't make sense to you, please let me know.
story layout (2)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 1/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
There are several inconsistencies with spatial divisions. Some of your sentences, particularly the first few of your chapters, have an indent that aren't followed through with the rest of the chapter. Chapter 2 (chapter one) is an example. Indenting the first line of every section of your story - meaning, the start of every chapter AND the first sentence after a division break in a chapter - is accepted, and the rest of your chapter should not have an indent. So, using Chapter 2, the first few lines should be spaced out like this:
I, Han Hyesoo, never dated anyone in 22 years of my life.
I would never know how being in love was like so I feel empathy for people who gives up everything just for their love ones. For people who put out their kind heart and let everyone tramples around but they don’t feel any resentment towards the people they love even though how much of an that person could be. How they would endure everything just for the sake of their love ones and still say, “I’m fine. It’s okay.”
Even I, who have never dated or love anyone (besides my friends and family), knows what this bastard is talking about relationship are all trash! I’ve tried my best to suppress my annoyance towards this guy. I can’t be the immature one here. But this guy keeps on yapping! Can’t he keep his mouth shut? Everyone in the room here is ignoring him already! Why am I the only one listening to him! Why I’m the only one in the room? Where’s everybody?
Please let me know if you need further clarification.
I will also point out Chapter 4 (chapter three) as a prime example of inconsistent use of your divisions. There are two different dividers you have used to separate sections of your story, being the three asterisks and perpetual dot points. Although there is no formal rule requiring so, your chapter would look a lot neater if you stick to one divider. Also, you should make it clearer when you decide to write about a flashback. Put more lines before 'Back in 2015' so readers don't get confused, especially when you inconsistently use indents for your sentences.
Last but not least, your last two chapters appear to have a smaller size font, so I would recommend editing that to the same size as your previous chapters. Otherwise, keep up the good work!
PLOT (16)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 6/10
the effect of events » 6/10
development of plot » 4/10
The storyline itself is a little cliche. The main character being manipulated into a 'fake' relationship whilst retaining genuine feelings for the prospective partner is quite a common plot. That being said, there're many avenues you can choose to take your story to mark it as your own. As your story is not quite yet finished, there are a lot of options for you to consider and write about, and I hope you choose carefully from hereon exactly how you want to shape This stupid Love.
From what I can comment on, it's intriguing to see a change in dynamic of Hyesoo and Sehun's fake relationship. The mysterious actions from Jaein adds a lot of drama to the plot, her role in the story clearly sharing a history with Hyesoo and separately from her connection with Sehun. At this stage, it's a bit confusing to see that Jaein favours Sehun more than a friend but had rejected him all those years ago. I can sense that you intend to reveal the reason why though, and hope that you expose this drama in a fascinating way, more so than a matter-of-fact kind of style. Moreover, I think the story can be improved if we were shown the better sides of Sehun. The first batch of your chapters only reveal that Sehun is this really good-looking guy whom Hyesoo has been crushing on for a few years. They were good friends during high school but then Sehun's favouring towards Jaein got in the way and they've been distant ever since - Sehun even comes off a little rude. There's not a lot of substance to Sehun that would convince the readers to side with how Hyesoo feels. In your more recent chapters - Sehun's reaction to Hyesoo falling sick, the talk about their past feelings and actions - those moments are what we want to see more of, to remind ourselves just what is it about Sehun that Hyesoo is head over heels for, other than just his looks.
There are also some parts in the story where I question the significance of the events. One example would be in Chapter 2 (chapter one), where Hyesoo is forced to listen to a schoolmate ramble about how he enjoys playing around with girls. The interaction with the unamed character is useful for setting the foundation of Hyesoo's relationship beliefs, but as it was brought in to your story early on, it can mislead some readers into thinking how important this event is. Since this was never brought up again, I don't find this occasion entirely important, or at least, it shouldn't have taken up that much of your introductory chapter. You should take caution in deciding which occurrences you want to use in your story to further the plot - which are significant to the development of the storyline and which are not - and dedicate the appropriate amount of attention to each occurrence. Personally I felt the interaction with this boy, who's a bit of a douche, was dragged on for a little too long. You could just have easily shown Hyesoo's frustration with the modern playboy through narration, as you have done so for the majority of your chapters. Was it necessary to include this scene? Is using a scene the best way to pitch forward your point? Will your point come across effectively to the reader?
Another example of being cautious about which scenes to utilise and at what points in your story is the appearance of your characters. The first characters that were introduced in This stupid Love, besides the narrator, were Hyseoo's cousin and her boyfriend, Junmyeon. Talking from the simple perspective of a reader (as opposed to a reviewer's attention for detail), characters are central to a story - they develop the plot and engage the reader's enjoyment of the storyline as a whole. This is why it's so important to choose carefully who you introduce first to the story. The first named characters are easiest to retain in the back of readers' mind. So far, I can't see much significance in Hyesoo's cousin and Junmyeon's role in the fic, which makes me question whether it was wise to introduce them that early on in the story. It is your decision whether you want to go back and change this aspect, but perhaps you can keep it in mind that you can use the roles of characters effectively by thoughtfully choosing the timing and way in which you would introduce your characters to the readers.
These issues aren't as minor as I would hope for them to be, but hopefully they're explained clearly to you so you have an idea what you should be considering when writing. I think I would be able to say more in this category if more of your plot is posted, but I do understand the struggles of writing fanfiction so there's absolutely no expectation for you to force out any chapter that you're not happy with. So far I think your story has started with good footing, and my main issues have more to do with Content Description and Grammar. Otherwise, I can see careful development in your storyline and do appreciate the slow scenes between Hyesoo and Sehun that really show the true colours of their connection. Keep it up!
characterisation (4)
development of characters » 1/5
character influence on the story » 3/5
At this point in the story I'd say it's still too early to make much comment on your characterisation. As Hyesoo and Sehun spend more time together, I can sense preparation in potential changes in their personalities, which is very crucial along with the development of plot. An amazing storyline has to be complemented with brilliant characterisation, otherwise the readers may become bored and uninterested. I would also suggest taking your time in developing Hyesoo, Sehun, and any other major character's personality at a controlled and seamless pace, so that your readers can follow on in a reasonable manner and not be shocked or surprised. Just remember that for better or for worse, your characters should experience some change - if their personalities stay stagnant, there would be no point for a story.
content description (4)
quantity » 3/5
quality » 1/5
There are a couple of major issues in this category that I would like to bring attention to. You don't have to listen to every tip I give if you don't want to, but I think your writing would improve a fair bit if you employed a couple of suggestions.
Firstly, you should take more care when narrating with colloquialism. This is a less formal style of speech typically used to expresss some sort of emotion or thought by the speaker. Hyesoo talks in a very informal way, which is fine with character dialogue (so if she was speaking to another character), but it can sometimes be very hard to follow when she's narrating the story. I'll talk through this with some examples, whch are provided below. Another point I'd like to bring up is the exessive use of narration in between brackets. Occasionally, this is fine to use, but I've found that your chapters overuse it to the point where it becomes ineffective over normal sentences of narration. Having so many in-between explanations within the telling of story makes your fanfiction seem more like a diary, rather than the reader absorbing the plot through a character's point of view. I would suggest toning down the amount of times you input narration in-between brackets, so that when you do use brackets, it becomes more effective. Here is a snippet of your story:
Chapter 9 - chapter eight
I thought that we could do one of those campus couple thing (we are ‘officially’ a CC declared unofficially by the student body themselves and we were voted ‘hottest couple on campus’ that Sehun and I were baffled. We did have a good laugh about it but I’m embarrassed by it because I have to write about the voting ) where we do those clichés campus couple stuff like studying together in the library, doing assignments together, having classes together (which is unrealistic because our programmes are vastly different from each other), hanging out at the hottest spot in Seoul with our friends. Yeah, those stupid clichés dating stuff that I wanted to try because I’m cliché like the rest of the population.
And I don’t even have the courage to tell him if we could study together because of my damn pride. What if he didn’t like it? What if he prefers to study by himself? If I got rejected by him, my whole pride would get hurt, thinking what rights I have feeling this way when I’m just a whole fake girlfriend that is there to piss off his crush (and it’s working well!).
In above extract, you've put sentences of narration in-between brackets three times, almost to the point where there is more narration inside brackets than outside. Your style of writing already has a matter-of-fact undertone, so there is no need to emphasise any particular points of the story within brackets. If you really wanted to use brackets, I would recommend two to three times in a chapter. Again, this keeps your explanations effective for the reader. Secondly, keep an eye out on the very casual tone you use. This particular sentence, 'Yeah, those stupid clichés dating stuff that I wanted to try because I’m cliché like the rest of the population', is something you would say to a friend rather than incorporating it in a formal style of writing, so it is best to avoid using such language. Again, you overuse generalisation across your chapters and it adds to that diary-reading effect. Perhaps you want that, perhaps you don't. Either way, try and stick to a more formal style of narration so that when you do branch off into colloquialism, it invokes the readers to think, 'Oh, this is how I talk to others in real life. I can relate to this!' Excessive use of colloquialism and other aspects lessens the likelihood of the reader relating to your main character.
Here's another extract from Chapter 9 - chapter eight:
“Can’t we do anything about it? I know our numbers are…less expected but we could still manage it.” One of our seniors spoke up about it which made me stares at him sideways. Says the one who’s not going to show up at the event because his highness here is flying out the country first thing in the morning.
To be very honest, I think the teaming up with the debate club is a right thing to do even though they piss us off very much but we don’t have enough of us running the whole workshop. The ones who are going are shouldering two- or three-members roles already so we definitely need more volunteers on that day.
Ms Shin standing up, leaning her hips on the table, looking at us warily, “Truth to be told, we really do need more facilitators on that day. But it’s that Mr Byun suddenly throws the whole debate club into our plan which caught me completely off guard.” She sighs (again), rubbing her temple, “Now, we need to plan with the committee members of the club,” she eyes at Joohyun and the other seniors, “Later, you’re going to the meeting room at 5pm to brief with them.”
“Can’t we do anything about it? I know our numbers are… less expected but we could still manage it,” one of our seniors says up about it which makes me stare at him sideways. Says the one who’s not going to show up at the event because his highness here is flying out the country first thing in the morning.
To be very honest, I think the teaming up with the debate club is a right thing to do even though they piss us off very much but we don’t have enough of us running the whole workshop. The ones who are going are shouldering two- or three-members roles already so we definitely need more volunteers on that day.
Ms Shin stands up, leaning her hips on the table, looking at us warily. “Truth to be told, we really do need more facilitators on that day. But it’s that Mr Byun suddenly throws the whole debate club into our plan which caught me completely off guard.” She sighs (again), rubbing her temple. “Now, we need to plan with the committee members of the club.” She eyes at Joohyun and the other seniors. “Later, you’re going to the meeting room at 5pm to brief with them.”
Most of the corrections in red concern grammatical errors, namely tense collision and the tag-verb collision. The second issue will be explained below in Grammar. With the tenses, remember to stay consistent. I think the majority of your chapters are written in present tense, so my corrections are mostly in the present tense. The sentences I have drawn a line through are examples of colloquialism - way too informal for simple narration to the point where it would be more effective to let the story flow in through character dialogue and interactions. Hopefully this is clear enough now.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
I think you have a fairly good handle on the pacing of the story. Events don't come too rushed nor do you drag it longer than necessary. I think you dedicate a fair amount of attention to significant points of the story, like the developing connection between Hyesoo and Sehun, which is very crucial to fixating the readers on the main characters of your fanfiction. Keep going at this pace!
grammar (6)
punctuation » 2/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 1/2
tense collisions » 1/2
Throughout your chapters there are a couple of reccuring grammatical errors I want to run over. As mentioned above, there are a lot of tense collisions where you would sometimes use present tense and at other times use past. You should choose to use either present or past tense, but not both. Constant switching makes it extremely difficult for many readers to enjoy a smooth reading flow. Some examples are provided below but please let me know if you are confused about how to stay consistent with one tense. Another major issue is the tag-verb collision. A lot of authors struggle with this problem so it's one of the more common issues that are typically overlooked. Put simply, if you end a dialogue with 'said', 'whispered', 'yelled', etc, you should use a comma ( , ). However, if you end a dialogue with a character's action (he placed this on the table; she frowned; they clapped their hands), you should use a period ( . ). Examples are also provided below. Thirdly, you should aim to remain consistent in switching from first to second perspectives. Again, it's a matter of reading stability. This issue doesn't happen as often as the other issues, and sometimes there are only brief sections of your chapters where there are inconsistent use of perspectives. Perhaps they are typographic errors?
Ch 2 - chapter one
And then he continues on spewing his bulls, “If I reject her, it would make me look like I’m someone heartless. I have this reputation where I heard I’m kind.” Then he clicked his tongue, “People would dislike me if I’m like that. So, I thought by treating her politely without any affections would make her give up,” then he let out a grudge, “but she’s becoming more and more clingy. Damn it.”
Then, he leaned forward to me, “You looked like a sweet one. You’ll write for me, won’t you?” flashing a wicked smirk at me.
He makes me sick to the guts.
As if I would go according to your crazy (and heartless) plan.
And then he continues on spewing his bull, “If I reject her, it would make me look like I’m someone heartless. I have this reputation where I heard I’m kind.” Then he clicked his tongue. “People would dislike me if I’m like that. So, I thought by treating her politely without any affections would make her give up,” then he let out a grudge, “but she’s becoming more and more clingy. Damn it.”
Then, he leans forward, flashing a wicked smirk at me, “You look like a sweet one. You’ll write for me, won’t you?”.
He makes me sick to the guts.
As if I would go according to his crazy (and heartless) plan.
A few corrections made here. Firstly, I would strongly recommend avoiding using 'bull'. This would relate to colloquialism as discussed in Content Description. If you decide to keep it there, I would remove the 's' and keep it as 'bull', as the word doubles up as a plural. Secondly, grammatical correction to 'tongue' is in accordance with the tag-verb rule. As you used an action sentence, you should end the sentence with a period. The third edit is in relation to repetitive use of 'then'. If you read in between the lines of dialogue, you've used 'then' in every sentence, totalling four times in one paragraph and one sentence. You should avoid repeating words as excessive use loses the effect of the word. Also, you had already described how this character was acting (he continued spewing his bull and he clicked his tongue), so if you really wanted to include 'let out a grudge' as well, you should shorten them into fewer sentences. An example can be observed in the fourth correction - notice how I combined the two actions into one sentence. This keeps your sentences short and succinct, rather than over-extending and potentially boring the readers. Finally, avoid using 'your' as you're using first-person narration, and avoid tense collisions.
Ch 9 - chapter eight
I heard Joohyun groaned as she enters into the newsletter room. The few of us were sorting newspaper columns for inspirations on what to write next during our summer vacation. We are ought to update the newsletter on our website. I craned my head to see the weather outside through the windowsill and I believe that Joohyun isn’t exaggerating even a bit about the weather. The chilly breeze and warm sunshine of Spring has transformed into a blazing heat of Summer. Summer is near, and so are the endings of our finals. (I’ve been waiting for the 2 months long summer vacation!)
I haven’t seen Sehun since his finals started earlier than mine. I know he’s over-working himself in the corner of the library in that law library. I’ve gone over a few times just so that I could have a tiny glimpse of him when my heart is still beating wild from the beach the other night. But he’s always not where I expect to see him.
My dad did give me a stink eye from arriving home late after the curfew he set up (we stop a little while by the road for a little midnight snack). In conclusion, that evening was a whole roller coaster of emotions and that’s the best night out I ever had in my entire life. (Yes, it even surpassed the first time my parents let me sleepover at my friend’s place)
I hear Joohyun groan as she enters into the newsletter room. The few of us are sorting newspaper columns for inspirations on what to write next during our summer vacation. We are ought to update the newsletter on our website. I craned my head to see the weather outside through the windowsill and I believe that Joohyun isn’t exaggerating even a bit about the weather. The chilly breeze and warm sunshine of Spring has transformed into a blazing heat of Summer. Summer is near, and so are the endings of our finals. (I’ve been waiting for the 2 months long summer vacation!)
I haven’t seen Sehun since his finals started earlier than mine. I know he’s over-working himself in the corner of the library in that law library. I’ve gone over a few times just so that I could have a tiny glimpse of him as my heart is still beating wildly from the beach the other night. But he’s always not where I expect to see him.
My dad did give me a stink eye from arriving home late after the curfew he set up (we stopped a little while by the road for a little midnight snack). In conclusion, that evening was a whole roller coaster of emotions and that was the best night out I ever had in my entire life. (Yes, it even surpassed the first time my parents let me sleepover at my friend’s place).
Ms Shin screamed her head off as she stormed into the room and sat down at the nearest chair, plopping down her head on the table with her fingers ranking through her hair. We all stare at her warily but Joohyun and another senior are unfazed at the scene unfolding in front of her. Probably used to seeing Ms Shin blowing up because of Mr Byun.
Ms Shin screams her head off as she storms into the room and sits down at the nearest chair, plopping down her head on the table with her fingers raking through her hair. We all stare at her warily but Joohyun and another senior are unfazed at the scene unfolding in front of her. They are probably used to seeing Ms Shin blowing up because of Mr Byun.
Finally, the last main recurring issue I want to touch on is the lack of capitalisation in your sentences, particularly in the last few chapters. Here are some examples:
Ch 11 - chapter ten
“are you alright?” “are you feeling okay?”
“Are you alright? Are you feeling okay?”
Note two corrections here. One is the edit on capitalisation. The second is to make clear that both questions belong to Sehun, and as there are no interruptions in between his questions, there shouldn't be a quotation mark division in between. If you don't want to make it seem like Sehun launched straight into the second question from the first, you can use an ellipsis to separate the two:
“Are you alright?... Are you feeling okay?”
“he nursed his mum a lot.” I winced when I felt the ache of my throat when I talk. It’s unpleasant. My mum must’ve sensed my discomfort about my throat, she pats my head once again, “go to sleep. You had a long day.”
“He nursed his mum a lot.” I winced when I felt the ache of my throat when I talked. It’s unpleasant. My mum must’ve sensed my discomfort about my throat. She patted my head once again, “Go to sleep. You had a long day.”
taste of story (5)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 2.5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 1.5/4
length of your story » 1/1
Personally, there were a couple of letdowns that barred me from enjoying the story as a reader. All issues have been discussed above but just briefly again, the main problems for me were the frequent grammatical errors, excessive use of narration in-between brackets, constant use of colloquialism and ineffective use of certain events. A big cleanup in these areas would have boosted my personal enjoyment of your fanfiction. Another thing to note is the very cliche track you've currently taken your story, but this is not that big of an issue in the sense that you have more to write and thus more opportunities to turn your story into an original plot. Nevertheless, there is no pressure at all for you to continue This stupid Love, so just work at your own pace to ensure you can deliver your readers qualitative writing. This way, both you and your audience can stay happy. All the best with the rest of it!
total score (52)
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