LUST >> Emilieee
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KINetic
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » Emilieee
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed » 5
genres » Contemporary fantasy, action, hurt and comfort, angst, coming of age
description » At night, Byun Baekhyun roams the city as a masked vigilante under the moniker Kinese, hunting tirelessly for his brother’s murderer. And all the while trying to stay two steps ahead of Elektra, fellow vigilante with a pain-in-the- ideology that she keeps on trying to shove down his throat. During the day, he’s a sleep-deprived third year university student balancing two headache-inducing majors and running on way too much caffeine to be healthy. Sleep is a luxury, obviously. Not a necessity. When Baekhyun’s forced to relocate after he accidentally gets his favourite cafe burnt down, he’s left trying to figure out whether or not he can slap dating onto his to-do list as well because the barista at his new haunt is awfully cute.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is short and simple, targeting the key supernatural element of your story. As I'm sure you're already familiar with, one-word titles are a pull-in for most readers and I think 'Kinetic' would definitely stand out in a list of fanfictions. Generally, 'Kinetic' isn't a common word so it should definitely catch the attention of some readers, if not most. There's also no question regarding its correlation to the story with direct link to what makes Baekhyun's character unique. I think the title is perfect for your composition. Excellent work here.
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The layout of the poster is absolutely great - love the fragmented touch, I think it effectively depicts Baekhyun's mental and emotional state in the story. I like that there are two images of the main characters to showcase their different identities. A suggestion though: perhaps amending the images to portray their 'superhero' role can be an idea to consider. I would also opt for a different image of Baekhyun midground to illustrate either his villain-catching role, prompting a strong and powerful facade, or his vulnerable self, particularly where Kinetic centres around his ability to accept grief and heal. At the moment it seems that Baekhyun is quite stable as a person, his open gaze to the readers suggesting he's... just living his life I guess. Whereas in Kinetic, Baekhyun is constantly brooding if not extremely exhausted trying to somehow maintain his studies. Other than that, the presentation of the story graphic is symbolic and there is plenty to look at. The contrast between the few light shades coming through the overall dark atmosphere is appropriately suitable for the theme of Kinetic. Great link with the inclusion of the city landscape. The title is also very clear to spot with the variance in its presentation adding a mysterious effect.
description and foreword (9.5)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 3.5/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description is enticing, neat and succinct with an engaging summary of the fic. You've jampacked almost the entirety of the plot in six sentences, including two truncated ones for effective emphasis. Each sentence is straight to point and leaves no room for unnecessary words or information. A well-read viewer would likely be highly convinced to start the story. In terms of appeal, it's a 10/10 (or 4/4, whichever one you'd like to go by). As captivating as it currently is, I do suggest including Baekhyun's loss or hinting at the psychological and emotional journey he embarks on, which he has been suffering for two years. It is the core of the plot and is frequently referred to throughout your chapters so I find it a little strange there is no mention of it in the Description. As an alternative, you could slip in his animosity against Hwang Chisoo. I have no doubt that if you take on this recommendation you would be able to weave it in brilliantly. Something to consider.
Like the Description, the Foreword is presented immacutely with all content aligned neatly to the center. This is great to see as messy organisation can significantly impact a reader's first impression. Great work overall.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
There is consistency with font, font size and divisions across your chapters. I found no slip-ups which makes readers who pay a lot of attention to detail, like myself, extremely satisfied. The story background is simple which does not offer any disadvantage at all - I think the dark hue adds to the sombre atmosphere that Baekhyun generates throughout the fic. The titling of your chapters is also a nice touch, being psychological themed. I'm sensing a social psychology student here. Neat chapter organisation makes for a smooth read, so no complaints here.
PLOT (25)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 7/10
development of plot » 8/10
The plot is very well set out and there are a number of features embedded in your story which make Kinetic an extremely interesting read. Intricate elements spread out across the fic serve as little gems that make the overall composition enduring; details such as Kinese and Elektra not knowing each other's identity with the help of voice-changers, the two winding up in the same lecture when they are temporarily back to being students, the simple inclusion of superpowers introducing a charming and sophisticated level to the storyline, and the brief but educational philosophy lessons. Furthermore, the dramatic irony with the readers being aware of who Kinese and Elektra are creates excitement and inclusion in the fic. This is definitely a distinct element of Kinetic. It's clear to me you know exactly what you want Kinetic to be about, centring heavily around Baekhyun's capability to grieve, act harshly on his feelings, and eventually try and move on. It definitely helps that Elektra is set up to be the 'good angel' with her constant nagging for him to be a better person. I think the storyline with its themes and elements came across super well to the readers and I hope you're very proud of your work.
As you had a capacity to work with, I think you've concocted an alluring storyline with amazing features to charm the readers, if they are not already ensnared. However, there are a few holes across the foundation of your storyline which are of in-between major and minor concern. I do appreciate you had a limit to work under and again I think you've done a great job overall, albeit I did notice little things which may potentially be edited so it may amount to improvement or enhancement of the read, if desired. Otherwise you can just leave it and consider these points in your future writings. This would do no harm at all.
At the end of the read, I had some questions that I don't think were answered but do correct me if I'm wrong. I am mindful that perhaps you don't see any of these questions as issues at all, in which case it's totally fine to disregard my musings. Do also let me know if you'd like any clarification on my opinions.
Firstly, how did the destruction of Baekhyun's favourite cafe happen? This was the first extreme occurrence you introduced in the story and it was also mentioned in the Description. Is there any significance to this event or do you only mean for this to be mentioned in passing? I imagine burning down someone's property warrants some level of attention further than background information and, as it is written, it was our main character's favourite cafe. I suggest offering a few more sentences to indicate the significance of this occurrence, something like 'this is not the first cafe Baekhyun has obliterated though it is a shame it was his favourite' or 'sometimes accidents happen when he tracks down criminal persons, he just wishes his favourite cafe wasn't the casualty'. I think the prominent aspect about this point is the contrast between the extremity of the scene against the amount of attention it received in the fanfiction. Some indication regarding how important this event is, or how unimportant, may improve the absorption of the story for some readers.
Secondly, I think more background information about Elektra/Eunju is required. It's a supernatural fic, so naturally, we don't know what the new world contains until the author describes it, specifically or vaguely. Throughout the read, I was constantly questioning how Baekhyun and Eunju received their powers and how their powers worked. You ticked these boxes for Baekhyun, but I think more revelation with Eunju would sit better with me. How did she get her powers? Maybe you don't mean to give this any more attention, but this does leave me wondering how she stopped being an average human in this supernatural/sci fi world. To negate explaining the foundation of unnatural occurrences makes it seem unrealistic. The concluding impression I get from Kinetic in this regard is this is how it is, now accept it. See how it's a little difficult to believe and run with it? I think I saw some mention of Eunju being a victim of Chisoo too, so I would be eager to know her backstory. I know you meant Baekhyun to be the most prominent character but this does not mean unfinished business with other events or characters can smoothly be accepted. A solution may be to not mention these easter eggs, or offer a few sentences to avoid confusion. Another question that popped up with Eunju was why she was feigning a lack of coordination when one of her powers is increased coordination. My guess is you meant for Eunju to put up a facade and avoid any attention from outsiders (if so, is this necessary, and why?). Or maybe her increased coordination does not work during the day, for some reason. I appreciate you wanted the short story to focus mainly on Baekhyun, and in particular, his mental and emotional state, but insufficient justification and elaboration for these out-of-ordinary elements can make the story seem unrealistic. In my case, it felt like there were a lot of small holes that weren't covered up.
Finally, more background context with the way Baekhyun's brother passed away may improve reader absorption of Baekhyun's pain. You've mentioned he'd mixed up with the wrong guys, which serves as a useful introduction, but I think elaboration would prove useful in assisting the readers to understand the extent of Baekhyun's state. Sharing more insight into the relationship Baekhyun shared with his brother wouldn't hurt and also serve the purpose of evoking empathy from the readers.
To sum up, the plot presents a powerful story that has high potential to induce thought and reflection in the readers. I think it is a very impressionable story, incorporating themes of grief and revenge, and can be high on the list for some readers' favourites. I believe I've given the highest marks for effect of events and development of the storyline as far as Baekhyun can take it with his emotional and mental state. Perhaps more action, as Baekhyun and Eunju's superpowers can allow, may have boosted the marks up. But again, I appreciate action was not the goal of your story so it's completely fine as it is.
characterisation (8)
development of characters » 3/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
There is obvious development in Baekhyun's character from the start of the fic when he meets Eunju, to the end where he starts to accept the past and makes the first step to move on from his grief. Continuous development in characters keeps them engaging as narrators of the fic. Lack of movement can lead to tedious narratives. I find Baekhyun to be very relatable and realistic. He has reasonable reactions to the situations that occur around him, from the typical attraction towards a stranger to someone who's determined to pay back the enemy who wronged him. In turn, the decisions he makes move the story along, thus his character has strong influence on the plot. I am glad to see such importance in a main character as it's usually difficult to enjoy a fanfiction where the readers don't agree with the narrator's thoughts, feelings and actions. It's also great to see the main character develop, as stagnancy can prejudice reading enjoyment.
Although the main attention was on Baekhyun (and perhaps Baekhyun alone) there is very little development in Eunju's character. The only change I see was her growing attraction to Baekhyun, but this did not develop into something solid or significant, so she stayed the same person she was at the start of the fic. This is most prominent in her 'Elektra' identity, where she has always seen the more positive perspective and doesn't steer away from that for the duration of the story. This may not be a bad thing - it can be something you want to change or you can leave it as it is. Up to you. In terms of her impact on the story, I think she played the perfect supporting character to enhance Baekhyun's role. They were an effective pairing to follow, romantic or not, where Eunju was perceptive and empathetic to Baekhyun's past. This kept her character impactful and likeable.
Jongdae as a side character was interesting. Like Eunju, I think he contributed a perfect amount given his significance in the story. He didn't overstep as a minor character nor did he seem entirely futile. Definitely shone through with nudging Baekhyun towards Eunju since their first meet, which was entertaining to see. I think we always need that playful character in a fictional composition. Considering his minor role, I'd say he influenced Baekhyun quite a bit at the start of the fic. Pleasantly surprised with Jongdae's character.
content description (10)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 5/5
Your description style is very meticulous and substantial; you pay attention to the little details, which is especially crucial in a short fic as it can make all the difference. I saw some exemplary use of personification, fabricating wonderous scenes throughout Kinetic. I'm definitely impressed. The settings and characters are all introduced and enhanced with imagery, which is super effective when attempting to maintain an engaging narrative tone. I've picked out two extracts below where I was captivated with your descriptive language and encourage you to continue practising this ability:
Part II: The Social Psychology of Emotion
He was easy to talk to, with a cheerful disposition, bright features, a swoon-worthy smile and was incredibly patient and understanding after she’d spilled coffee on him. He had a mom-would-adore-at-first-meeting personality and dad-would-call-son-in-law-before-marriage-talk way of getting along with people.
Part III: The Study of Attitudes
“Kinese?” Elektra’s voice is faraway as his mind fills with cotton and fog to protect itself against the sharp edges of mounting terror and anger. “Kinese, what are you—”
The only thing I will bring up is your occasional overuse of commas. You have a knack for generating a seamless reading pace with frequent use of elongated sentences contrasted with truncated lines. Sometimes however, there is excessive use of commas. See below extract from Part IV: The Art of Self-Deception as an example:
Eunju’s disoriented all morning. Her thoughts loop back to the night before, to Kinese, to Baekhyun. It’s not possible, because Baekhyun is sweet and caring and smart and sociable and Kinese is so wrapped up in his grudge that the only thing Eunju knows about him is that he’s bitter and angry. And besides all of that, she’s spent over a year chasing his shadow, put off by the cold-hearted way he had dealt with criminals. It doesn’t match up, that she’s spent a year hating Baekhyun.
She arrives at their neurochemical class early, with only a splattering of people in attendance. The classroom gradually fills, but Baekhyun is nowhere in sight.
Note how many times commas have been used. I would make a slight edit some out to retain the reading effect:
Eunju’s disoriented all morning. Her thoughts loop back to the night before, to Kinese, to Baekhyun. It’s not possible, because Baekhyun is sweet and caring and smart and sociable and Kinese is so wrapped up in his grudge that the only thing Eunju knows about him is that he’s bitter and angry. And besides all of that, she’s spent over a year chasing his shadow, put off by the cold-hearted way he had dealt with criminals. It doesn’t match up that she’s spent a year hating Baekhyun.
She arrives at their neurochemical class early, with only a splattering of people in attendance. The classroom gradually fills but Baekhyun is nowhere in sight.
As you can see, really minor edits, but in my opinion this is preferred as there is variation with using commas and letting the sentence run its course. Think of it as everytime a comma appears, the reader takes a breath in their head, so, if I were to continue using commas in this sentence, excessively or not, how many mental breaths have you taken, and how out of breath do you feel at the end of this sentence? This is a minor pick-up as I don't think you overloaded the commas in the story, but it may be useful to keep this in mind for future writings.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
I found you had seamless control of the story's pace; nothing felt rushed, inorderly or out of place. It's commendable that you managed a smooth flow with so much happening in the fic and with a word limit. Insight into Baekhyun's trauma complemented the action element suitably and with Eunju's persistence on the side as well. There was no point within your chapters where I felt a scene was unwarranted, dragged on for too long, or ended too quickly. I think the pacing of the story is very appropriate when prompting the readers to reflect on thematic situations. Great job with this category!
grammar (10)
punctuation » 4/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
Also very happy with your grammar. I found few mistakes and am quite sure I picked up on them all, corrected below. No spelling errors and there is impressive use of advanced vocabulary, which boosts the quality of content description. No other issues here; I'm very satisfied.
Part I - The Neurochemical Basis of Behaviour
There’s lines from the notebook coils imprinted on her cheek, which Baekhyun sees when she hastily stands upright.
There’re lines from the notebook coils imprinted on her cheek, which Baekhyun sees when she hastily stands upright.
They’re leaving lecture when she trips over her backpack, whacks her water bottle off the table, and nearly faceplants into the chair.
They’re leaving a lecture when she trips over her backpack, whacks her water bottle off the table, and nearly faceplants into the chair.
Part IV: The Art of Self-Deception
The building is burning, the floor they’re on is minutes from collapse, and Eunju’s dislocated shoulder is screaming in agony.
The building is burning, the floor they’re on is minutes from collapsing, and Eunju’s dislocated shoulder is screaming in agony.
He’s always looked cheerful, even at 5 in the morning.
He’s always looked cheerful, even at five in the morning.
taste of story (9)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 4/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 1/1
I enjoyed Kinetic on a personal level with its supernatural touch and strong message of how to deal with the loss of a loved one. I would love to see it developed into something more. Your talent for writing definitely boosted my enjoyment of the read; I love the ample amount of description and the way you keep the readers on edge with use of truncated sentences, personification and descriptive imagery. Your writing style truly shone through for me. I quite liked Baekhyun's character; he was illustrated in a way to say that he is not without his faults. His pain was real and wasn't pushed forcefully on the readers, as I find some authors do. This is again thanks to your thorough writing style. I enjoyed Eunju's supportive role and wish it was a longer story so we can see more of her impact and backstory. All in all, you've done an absolutely great job. Another commendable score, another spot on LUST's Favourites. Thanks for returning for another review over the years! Feel free to let me know if you feel uncomfortable with your stories on my list, now or in future. I wish you the best of luck in the writing contest :)
total score (91.5)
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