Seventeen

This thing is long! Longer than usual, just to warn you.
Now enjoy~ ^^

August 23th

Donghae stared at his hands as he kept playing with them in a nervous manner. They were resting on striped sheets and his eyes were glued to them because he didn’t dare to lift his gaze, to look around even for a second. A silent tear ran down his cheek and he was torn between wiping it away and bringing his hands to his ears to make all those noises disappear that had been torturing him for so long. However, he ended up doing nothing; he kept staring at his hands, only sniffed silently and bit his lip to suppress another sob.

How much time had passed? Was it already dark outside? It surely was – but Donghae didn’t look up to make sure if it really was. Maybe it was already the middle of the night, he wouldn’t doubt that. And maybe the sun would even rise soon. He didn’t care much about those things, he really didn’t. But thinking about them stopped him from thinking about where he was and what had happened to make him be there, him and-

No, he wouldn’t start thinking about that and he wouldn’t start thinking about the other person that kept him company either. 
It was the other way around, actually. Donghae kept him company – was he even allowed to do that? Sure, the others had all said that he was and had stepped back in favor of him sitting here. But he hadn't asked him, he didn’t have his permission. Maybe he didn’t want him to be around; maybe it was better for Donghae to leave. There was no chance to ask him if it was okay to stay, though.

A loud beep filled his ears; it came from right beside him and forced out another sob. There were a few erratic and lower beeps following behind before the machine eliciting them fell silent again, only continued in making those usual and continuous beeping sounds he had heard for hours. Donghae's fingers sank into his skin, almost tore the rubber surrounding them apart as hot tears ran over his cheeks. The sounds he heard were awful and he started hating them more and more with every second he spent with hearing them. But on the other hand they were the only thing that kept him from breaking down again, just like he had done it some hours ago.

Steps were coming closer, broke through the beeping and hissing around him and stopped quite close to him. The clicking and other noises the person was making were so silent that he almost couldn’t hear them and he didn’t want to know what was happening. Probably just a checkup, he tried to tell himself, nothing to worry about.           
The steps sounded once more after a few minutes and this time they stopped right beside him. A gentle hand was placed on his shoulder and it rustled as the person beside him leaned down a bit to be closer to him.

"You know that you can touch him, right? I'm sure he would be glad about knowing that you're here."

Donghae nodded his head slightly and let out another sob, the loudest so far. His shoulder was squeezed by the hand as he lowered his head and allowed more tears to leave his eyes. The female voice he heard was soft and kind as it hushed him silently and the comforting words it spoke kept lingering in his ears until he could pull himself together again.

"It won't hurt him. And even though he's so sound asleep right now, I'm sure that he'll notice it. Just give it a try."

His shoulder was squeezed once again before he could hear the person leaving and only a few seconds later they were alone again. Donghae harshly bit his lip and his gaze very slowly travelled over the sheets to his right. It was only a tiny bit, but his vision got blurry once again as soon as he saw the pale hand resting on the sheets right next to him. He sniffed and very slowly let go of his own hands to hesitantly reach out for the other's; his touches were delicate and careful as he wrapped his fingers around it and he had to keep himself from flinching as he noticed how cold it was.

Donghae squeezed the other's hand softly and his eyes were glued to it afterwards as he waited for any possible reaction. There was none however and he couldn’t even tell why he was disappointed by that. He very carefully lifted his gaze, from the hand in his hold over the sheets to the other's bruised shoulder. There were wires as he found the other's chest, many of them that were pasted to his bare upper body and connected with electrodes. His gaze travelled a bit farther, just a little bit – and it immediately dropped back to their hands as soon as he saw the thick almost transparent tube near his chest.

The brunet's chin started quavering and another sob left his throat as his heart started beating so hard against his ribcage that it hurt. He squeezed the hand in his hold again and gently intertwined their fingers, placed his other hand on top of them. Swallowing down more tears, he carefully lifted his gaze one more time and brought it back to the other's chest that rose and fell with his regular hissing breaths. He had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep looking at him.

His eyes started following the tube very slowly upward until they found the blue and yellow plastic of the cervical collar that surrounded the other's neck. He stared at it for a moment before his gaze found the tube again and he slowly followed it until it disappeared in the other's mouth. Donghae let out a whimper as he understood that the machine connected to this tube was forcing the air in and out of the other's lungs, that he couldn’t do it on his own. He also understood that the small white tube vanishing in his nose was the doctors' mute explanation that they didn’t expect the other to wake up soon and that it was only one of the many things that kept him living.

But the doctors had told him about that already, hadn't they? A few hours ago maybe, right after ending the emergency surgery. Mrs. Lee had started crying so hard then, even though the doctor had tried to give them some hope.

Donghae swallowed down the lump in his throat and finally lifted his gaze a bit more. The face he saw was slightly swollen and there was a cut on the other's eyebrow that he remembered bleeding profusely; now they had stitched it. Apart from all the tubes, the most outstanding thing for him to notice however was the bright bandage wrapped around the other's head that hid most of his red hair and the wounds caused by the accident and the surgery. He only saw some hair sticking out on the sides and knew that they had most likely shaved a lot of it to be able to treat him.

Another loud beep and a sudden gasp for air that made him clutch the other's hand tighter. Nothing seemed to be wrong though; the usual regular beeping filled his ears afterwards again.

The brunet wanted to say something, anything that made the other notice that he was there and that there was no need to be afraid. But what was there that he could say? Would his words even reach him and if they did – had he the right to talk to him now?             
It was his fault after all, Eunhyuk was lying here because of him. And that was the reason why in the end Donghae didn’t say anything, nothing at all.

***

August 29th

"-like this... Well done! And now we do the same thing with your other arm… Very good!"

Donghae stood in the door frame, his eyes flitting from the floor to the bed in the middle of the room and back. Nurse Misook, a very friendly short lady who was in charge for Eunhyuk, kept standing by his bed and helped him with his toning exercises like every day. Well, maybe helping was the wrong word because Eunhyuk still didn’t move at all.

She turned a bit to the side as she gently grabbed his hand and noticed the brunet standing in the door; a smile flashed over her lips and even though her face mask was hiding it, Donghae could see it. Her eyes glistered like they did it most of the time and she laughed silently. She wasn’t the only nurse that kept visiting Eunhyuk of course, but she was the one Donghae liked the most. Talking with her was relaxing and she sometimes took her time just to be there when she was needed. It had only been a few days, but it already felt like she was a part of all those people that kept visiting Eunhyuk, maybe like she was an aunt or something. Donghae was glad that she was there; that way he could leave the hospital in the evening without thinking that Eunhyuk was alone.

Nurse Misook gestured him to come closer and Donghae hesitantly obeyed; he still thought that it wasn’t right for him to be here. With slow steps he walked over to the other side of the bed, his hands carefully curling around the bedrail. His heart grew heavy as he saw that Eunhyuk was still sleeping, surrounded by all those machines. The elder's body was slightly turned towards him today, but he knew that he hadn't done this on his own.

"Lee Hyukjae-ssi, there's someone here for you", the nurse gently said as she leaned a bit down to him while still doing some exercises with his fingers. "It's Donghae-ssi. You're glad that he's here, aren’t you?"

She didn’t wait for a response and waiting wasn’t needed either way. And so she kept smiling to herself and continued with her work, all while talking to Eunhyuk like he would be able to talk with her as well. Donghae envied her somehow because she was able to smile even though she saw people dying every week, that she could keep talking to him like everything was alright; he hadn't been able to say a single word to him so far.

"How do you do this?" he whispered and his voice was hoarse because he hadn't done anything apart from crying the last couple of days. "How can you be so positive?"

The nurse carefully placed Eunhyuk's hand back on the sheets when she was done and lifted her gaze to let it meet with the brunet's. She was still smiling even though she saw the tears welling up in the other's eyes who looked like a little boy to her as he stood there, so pale in his bright protective clothing.

"Because that's what you have to be", she said softly and held on to Eunhyuk's hand, patted it softly as she looked back at the redhead. "Don't think that they don’t notice what's going on. They are sleeping and some of them won't ever wake up again, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t register things. Maybe they won't remember them when they are able to talk again, but it soothes them to hear voices, mostly those of the people they love of course. Nobody knows how much they notice, but I believe that they hear more than we think."

Tears were running down Donghae's cheeks as she looked up again and he couldn’t tell what had made them fall. "But he's… I'm sure he's mad at me a-and…"

"He's very important to you, isn’t he?" she asked gently. Donghae quickly nodded his head.

"Yes… He's… He's everything to me."

Her smile widened slightly, even though she looked a bit sad now. "Then you should talk to him, Donghae-ssi. He won't be mad at you, believe me. Right now he's glad about everything that's familiar to him. And I bet that you're just as important to him as he's to you, so stop worrying."

Donghae slightly nodded his head and nurse Misook let go of Eunhyuk's hand in favor of shortly patting the brunet's back before leaving the room. They were alone now, but even though no one said a word, silence didn’t fall upon them. The beeping, rustling and hissing was still there – and it seemed to get louder every day.

The brunet's eyes kept travelling over Eunhyuk's face for some time before he hesitantly reached out for the other's arm. He carefully curled his fingers around Eunhyuk's wrist and thought about what to say. He couldn’t tell if he believed in what she had told him, if his words really would be heard. But maybe he simply should voice out what he wished for with all his heart.

He leaned in a bit and his grip around the other's arm tightened slightly. "Hyukjae", he mumbled and thought that his voice was too quiet to be heard. "Hyukkie, you…" Biting his lip, he forced himself to push his fear to the back of his head and to speak louder. "You have to… wake up."

The beeping sped up for a couple of seconds as Donghae spoke out the last two words and made him freeze. What had that been, was it working? But that couldn’t be; the beeping sped up from time to time and those loud single beeps in between… It surely had just been a coincidence.

"Hyukkie, please… Wake up", he said again, just to check if there would be another reaction. Donghae kept looking at the other – and in fact there really was a reaction not that much later. But it wasn’t a good one.

***

August 31th

"Is he better now?"

"Yes, I would say so. We just have to hope that there won't be any cerebral hemorrhages again because those are the one thing that jeopardize his health the most."

"And his brain? Is it… fine? I mean, he was in surgery twice now and both of them were emergency surgeries. Do you know something about that yet?"

"I'm sorry but no, not yet. We'll let him rest for a bit more now and then we will examine his head closely. I'm sure that we can tell you more about his condition afterwards."

Sora nodded her head slightly. "Thank you."

With a sad smile and a short nod of his head, the doctor she had been talking to was gone. Sighing, she took a look at the man standing not that far away from her and eventually walked up to him. Donghae's eyes were glued to the unmoving person lying in the bed right behind that window he was looking through; he didn’t even acknowledge her presence.

"We should go to him", she silently said and forced a small smile onto her lips. "I bet he's already missing us."

Donghae's gaze fell to the floor where it unfocusedly darted around for some seconds. "You should go alone. Having me around isn’t good for him."

"Why do you say that? He wants to have you around, I'm sure about that."

He bit the inside of his cheek as a small noise of disagreement left his throat. "Did you forget that they decided to do that surgery because of his reaction towards me being with him?"

Donghae had to pull himself together to not burst into tears again. He still couldn’t get that sound out of his head; the machines that had started beeping so uneven and fast all of a sudden, all those loud noises and how panic-stricken nurse Misook had looked as she had rushed back into the room. The brunet had cried his eyes out for the rest of the day and since then he hadn't dared to go into Eunhyuk's room again.

"Who says that it happened because of you?" Sora put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It was a coincidence; that bleeding had nothing to do with you. They said that something like that could happen any time, didn’t they? So please don’t think that way, Donghae."

He nodded, but his gaze stayed on the floor. And as Sora asked him again if he wanted to come with her, he stayed rooted to the spot.

***

September 2nd

Donghae pressed one hand against his facemask, tried to muffle the desperate sobs that were leaving his mouth. His other hand held on to Eunhyuk's as he sat next to his bed; it had taken the others hours to get him there and now that he was they wished they hadn't brought him there.

There's a high probability for permanent damages – those were the words that made Donghae almost choke on his tears ever since one of the doctors had spoken them out. He wasn’t the only one crying, not at all, but the one who was crying the hardest. Because he still blamed himself for everything and that Eunhyuk most likely would have to suffer even if he would wake up someday was simply too much for him to handle. They all knew about it because Donghae rarely spoke about anything else when he was talking. He was at fault, no matter what they all tried to tell him.

It was Shindong who was the first one to dare to speak to the brunet as he crouched down beside him with one hand on his back. Donghae was shaking, gasping for air and looked like he was about to collapse – it wouldn’t be the first time for him. Shindong's hand kept drawing soothing circles on the younger's back for some time as he thought about words that were able to lift that burdening feeling of guilt from the other's shoulders.

"It was an accident", he eventually said and the expression on his face softened even more as he saw just how fragile Donghae looked like. He couldn’t tell for sure if it really was because he hadn't been there, but he knew it. It was a fact. "He tripped."

Donghae let out a sob that almost made him choke and Shindong noticed how badly the younger's hand was shaking that held on to Eunhyuk's. He reached out his own to place it on top of it; even through all the rubber of both of their gloves he could feel how unusually warm it was. With his eyes flitting back to Donghae's face, he thought that it weren’t only tears that were covering the skin around his eyes. Sweat – it seemed like the brunet was running a fever again.

It had started some time ago, he remembered. Donghae would run a fever and sometimes he would even faint out of the blue without any reason. His symptoms would disappear shortly after that and that was the reason why he refused to go to a doctor. Hadn't this been the reason why he and Eunhyuk had had that fight in the middle of practice, Donghae playing down that something wasn’t right?

"It wasn’t your fault", Shindong said in his helpless attempt to soothe the other. Donghae's sobbing was getting more desperate as his grip around Eunhyuk's hand tightened. He started mumbling, so low that no one was able to understand what he said. All they knew was that he was begging, once again begging Eunhyuk to wake up.

Voices could be heard from outside the room and Shindong looked up to Siwon and Sungmin; the latter was wiping off his tears as he left the room to see what was going on. Siwon came closer and stepped behind Donghae, both hands resting on the other's shoulders as he squeezed them softly. After some time he carefully brought one of them up to the brunet's head and placed it on his forehead. His gaze found Shindong's and only a short nod was needed to confirm what the elder had already assumed. Fever.

Another loud sob broke out of Donghae and neither Siwon's hug from behind nor the soft words of Shindong were able to calm him down even the slightest bit.

"It's not your fault, you hear me?" Shindong started and tried his best to comfort the younger. "Ryeowook said you tried to grab his arm, isn’t that right? You did everything you could to prevent it, so please stop blaming yourself."

Donghae only continued crying and it seemed like he was farther away from stopping than any time before. Sungmin showed up in the door frame not much later and his voice was very quiet as he spoke. "His family is here", he croaked out.

Siwon carefully let go of the other as Shindong came back to a stand. The raven head gently grabbed Donghae's arm. "You heard what he said", he whispered. "Please let them have some time with him."

Sobbing, Donghae slightly nodded his head and even though he wanted to stand up, he only managed to do it with Siwon's help. In fact, Siwon had to literally drag him up and once that he stood, he was swaying so dangerously that he couldn’t do a single step without the other's arms around him. He barely made it out of the room and past Eunhyuk's parents and sister before he out.

It was only for a short moment and it didn’t take long before a doctor was by his side, but it was enough to make Sora stomp to her brother's hospital bed right after making sure that Donghae was conscious again. She pushed her father out of the way who was talking with a hushed voice to him; her parents had to hold her back from grabbing his shoulders and shaking him.

"Hyukjae, what are you doing?" She sobbed as she glared at his pale and emotionless face. "You should be up. You should be up and be taking care of him, pabo!"

She burst out crying and her mother cried with her. "Sora, please-"

"He needs you", she croaked out. "You always said that… you hate making people cry because of you. Why don’t you stop it then? Why don’t you stop…?"

One of the machines started beeping a few times and her parents immediately made some hushing sounds that couldn’t calm her down the slightest bit. That was the reason why one of the doctors showed up in the room, brought to the scene by her loud voice and the beeping that sounded so strange suddenly.

"Hyukjae! Please, I beg you! Stop it!"

With the doctor's help they managed to make her stop screaming at her younger brother and as she slumped down on the chair standing next to the bed, her head resting on the mattress and her hands clawing into the sheets, her voice died down to whimpers and Eunhyuk's heart continued beating in its usual rhythm, just like nothing had ever happened.

***

September 4th

"So, as you can see", one of the countless nameless doctors started and pointed at the monitor right beside him. "Those lines right here are very asynchronous. This shows us not only that there is a brain activity, but also that his brain is not in the state of sleeping right now."

"And that means?" Mrs. Lee asked silently.

"That means he could be dreaming right now or that he's having hallucinations. This is a sign of consciousness and that’s a very good sign. It could mean that his brain isn’t damaged so much that it's not able to recover."

"Oh, thank God…"

"But does it indicate something about if he's going to wake up soon?" Mr. Lee inquired. The doctor breathed a sigh and slightly shook his head.

"No, I'm afraid that it doesn’t. There are patients with similar brain activity that have been in his state for years. The time decides. The longer he stays in this state, the harder it gets for him to wake up and to recover. But right now there aren’t any signs that he's close to waking up."

Silence fell upon them as Mr