The journey to the hospital was a living hell. Every one of us was consumed by fear. How wouldn’t we? Our leader almost dies in front of us at the same place we live. And it was all my fault.

Upon reaching the hospital, we were led by two kind nurses to a private waiting room; the company had pulled some strings in order to avoid making the matter public. The moment we arrived we saw Woohyun-hyung, the only one that had accompanied Sunggyu-hyung to the hospital.

He was pallid and staring at the empty space. He gave us a quick peek when we entered but he redirected his gaze to the emptiness. The rest of the members walked over to him to make sure he was okay. I wanted to go as well, but I was afraid he would hate, they would hate me, for what happened to Sunggyu. Apart from the short conversation I had with L after the argument, no one had actually directed their word to me. That is why I headed to the other side of the waiting room. I did not sit down though; I guess this was my punished for the moment. I was exhausted, but I considered this a little act of penitence, even if it meant nothing for the others. Our manager wasn’t in the room with us. He was trying to find out what was wrong with our leader before they told us anything.

Dongwoo was softly comforting Woohyun while Myungsoo whispered sweet nothings into Sungyeol’s ears. He was still shocked, but at least not crying anymore, just hiccupping. I was observing the guys' interactions when Hoya’s eyes locked into mine. I thought he was going to frown at me, but he didn’t. He smiled at me. I was so touched by that small gesture that I thought I was going to cry…

That’s why I nearly screamed when the door opened, revealing an old looking doctor in a white gown, our manager tailing behind. The rest of the members directed their gazes towards the newly arrived. Hoya gave me one last look before doing the same. Lastly, I directed my gaze towards the elderly doctor. I scrutinized both the doctor and our manager trying to decide whether the news were good or bad, but it was impossible as it seemed their faces had turned to stone.

Finally, after gathering all our concerned looks the doctor spoke. “My name is Kang Youngmin. I am in charge of Kim Sunggyu-ssi’s case.” His voice was surprisingly deep. He then said what all of us were dying to hear. “Sunggyu-ssi is now out of danger.”

That sole sentence was enough to break our defenses.

Sungyeol started crying again in L’s shoulder; him trying to soothe the older hyung while shedding tears himself. Hoya put his face in his hands and started sobbing in them. Woohyun turned around and started to whip his tears furiously. Dongwoo was the only one that wasn’t crying, but his eyes were shinning with tears. I, on my part, felt so relieved that my legs were suddenly unable to support my weight and I collapsed in the nearest chair. I felt an emotion greater than anything I had felt before. Sunggyu-hyung was alive. He was going to survive. I didn’t kill him.

The doctor waited patiently until all of us had calmed down, our manager did too. After the excitement of Sunggyu’s survival had lapsed, a new question raised among us. What happened to Sunggyu?

It seemed that doctor Kang could read our minds because he started explaining the moment all of us turned to face him again. “Sunggyu-ssi had a cardiopulmonary arrest, also called heart attack,” he said.

All of us were struck speechless, only staring wide-eyed at the doctor.

 Doctor Kang continued with, “The cause was that his heart had a severe spasm which causes the coronary arteries, who are the ones that deliver oxygen to the heart, to close. This deprives the heart from receiving oxygen from the blood…”

The doctor stopped talking when he saw all our blank faces. I guess none of us really understood the process of what had happened, and honestly, I couldn’t care less about it either. The only words that mattered were ‘heart attack’.  

“Why did it occur to Sunggyu-hyung?” Woohyun ventured nervously. That did matter to me so I looked up to the doctor expectant.

“Sunggyu-ssi’s particular case is rather uncommon. The attack was caused by a strong emotion. I’m sure you all know that Sunggyu-ssi has a weak heart, right?” he asked. All of us nodded our heads. “Well, with all the activities you have, Sunggyu-ssi must have felt stressed, to the point of burdening his heart with it. We believe the process started a couple of days ago, but the ‘last straw’ occurred tonight. Luckily, you contacted us quickly and we were able to act in time, so there is no permanent damage to his heart.”

I frowned. How could the process start a couple of days ago? As far as I know he showed symptoms until tonight.

Doctor Kang saw our confused looks and added, “A heart attack doesn’t need to have symptoms for it to occur, that’s why it is important to be aware of one’s body all the time. Even a small matter can turn into a huge problem if not taken care of it properly.” With that he smiled to us. “Sunggyu-ssi is resting in a private room right now. If you want to see him just ask your manager to take you there,” he said. “But I’ll tell you, it is highly improbable of him waking up today, so don’t you worry.”

With that he turned and said something into our manager’s ear. The rest of us stood up and bowed to him, thanking him for his work. He looked back at us and nodded. Finally, he exited the room.

Once we were alone our manager directed his attention towards us and told us to follow him. I knew he was going to take us to hyung’s room, but I wasn’t ready. Not yet.

The others stood up and followed the manager except for me. Hoya-hyung saw me hesitating and approached me.

“Come with us,” he said kindly.

I can’t.

“I’m a little bit tired. I will stay here to rest,” I lied.

He frowned at that. “You can rest in hyung’s room.”

I can’t go there. I’m not welcomed.

“Hyung, don’t worry about me,” I said softly.

He looked at me in the eyes, as I looked into his.

I was trying to convey my message, but he was trying to read my interior.

“No one is going to scold you.”

I froze.

How did he know?

“Sungjong-ah, come.” He proceeded to take my hand and drag me out of the waiting room to where Sunggyu was sleeping. I was so shocked that I didn’t try to resist him.

We walked through a long corridor until we finally reached a door.

413 – Kim Sunggyu

This is it.

Hoya opened the door. I was shaking violently.

They will hate me.

Hoya-hyung sensed my fear, so he turned around a placed his hands in my shoulders. I was almost hyperventilating.

I shouldn’t be here.

I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I started shaking my head.

I can’t do this.

I stared at Howon’s eyes pleadingly. I shouldn’t be here. Please, don't make me go. Please.

He must have seen something in my eyes because he only sighed, dropped his hands and turned around. I was scared he was going to force me in, but he just turned his head to look at me. “Whenever you are ready,” he said. With that he entered the room and closed the door behind him. I was left standing alone in the empty hallway watching the door tightly shut.

I’m not ready.