01/15/11

My beloved Jongin,

Where are you? Why aren't you answering my messages? Jongin… I need you. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know if I did anything that you leave me. If ever I did anything that made you leave I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Forgive me — forgive me for being an ungrateful girlfriend, forgive me for being annoying, forgive me if I've been selfish, forgive me.

Was I being too clingy? I'm sorry, I just really love you and I want you to always be by my side. I can't afford to lose you, but I did. I promise I'll be more mature. Just please come back to me.

You promised we'll be together, build a home, a family, and grow old together. You promised me a happily ever after… but you left me. What did I do? I need to know.

Where was our forever?

Did you mean it? How could you leave me like this? Why are you breaking me into pieces? Why did you took a part of me and left? You took a part of me and left… just like that.

But Jongin, even if it takes a million years, I'll wait. And I'll still accept you with big open arms.

I'll forever love you.

Sincerely, Jinri.

I'll still accept you with open arms.

Does she mean I still have a chance? Dammit, Sehun! Why did you have you to give me this stupid letter.

“You left her for dead. You left her the time she needed you the most.”

I sighed. I needed to leave. As much as I didn't want to, as much as I wanted to stay with her, to take care of her that time, I needed to. I needed to leave for my parents, for my future, and for Jinri.

I've been trying to get her attention. I've been trying to make her jealous, I've been trying to see if there's still one little chance or spark that she has for me.

And now… she's getting married without even knowing what she truly feels.

The moment she looked at me in the eyes I knew she was looking for approval. Even when we were in highschool, whenever someone ask her to join a club or whatsoever she'll look at me or Sehun for approval. She can never decide on her own.

She still doesn't know what she wants.

I looked at Jinri and I see her smiling. She was wrapped around Taemin's arms, I looked at her, and I couldn't read her anymore. I couldn't read her eyes, her smile, and her body movements like I used to. Jinri changed a lot but some of her habits still stays.

I chunked down the wine in my hands. Krystal held my hand and looked at me worriedly, “You okay?” she asked.

I nodded and forced a small smile at her. She smiled back and pecked my forehead, “I'll get you some water.” she said before leaving.

I played with the glass in my hand while I continue to watch Jinri — her eye, her lips, her nose, her smile — she's too good to be true.

“Staring is rude, hyung.” A familiar voice whispered.

I looked at my side and saw Sehun grining besides me. I rolled my eyes and scoffed at him, “You here to torture me some more?” I asked.

I heard him chuckled, “A little bit.” he answered.

“Isn't Jinri beautiful? For me, I think Jinri is the perfect girl for anyone's life. She's nice, she's pretty, she knows how to cook, and God, her laugh. She have the most beautiful laugh you could ever hear.”

I looked at Sehun. He was looking at Jinri before he looked at me with a taunting smile.

My jaw clenched.  I put down my glass and left him by himself.

“Jongin! I love you.”

“Want me to help you with your study?”

“You're the best dancer I know Jongin.”

“Jongin, you can do it. I believe in you.”

“Even if you lose, you'll always be my winner.”

“Jongin, comeback!”

I run out as fast as I could. Her voice was echoing in my mind and tears were continuously dripping out of my eyes.

08/15/11

Dear Jinri,

I wish I can send this to you. I wish I can talk to you. I wish I can see you. I wish I can wrap my arms around your tiny waist and hug you tight. I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for being a jerk. I'm sorry for being useless. I know that you're having a hard time because of what happened to you, but Jinri I need to leave… I'm doing this for you.

You're a very special girl Jinri. You're beautiful.

You deserve someone better than me. You deserve to be given a chance.

Even though it's hard, and it hurts. Even though I can't sleep, eat, talk, or think properly it doesn't matter as long as I know I did something good for you.

Jinri, if time permits us. If only time permits us I would take you back.

I'll love you until forever. I promise you that.

Sincerely, Jongin.

I thought by the time I came here I was ready to see her, I already moved on… but no, I kept my promise — I'll love her forever.

I still love her. I still long for her. Jinri, I need you as much as you need me.

Jinri, please come back to me. I can't live without you.