That whole week, Luhan never once came to class. 

I looked for him in his room but they all said he was on leave. 

So that whole week also, I never once went anywhere.

I stayed in my room. My cold, lonely room.

Once or twice, I see Chunji hyung coming in with his boyfriend, Ljoe hyung. I always knew they would end up being together. How could they not? They were a match made in heaven.

It was way better than seeing Minhyuk bringing his girlfriend. They snucked in but I knew about it, not that I mind.

Tao came once or twice, inviting me to some theatre show YiFan is in. I thought his name was Kris...?

"Come on, Sehun, be a sport. Lets go out and eat something nice. Yifan wants to treat you."

"And why the sudden kindness...?" I looked at Tao, who was heading for the bathroom.

"Because. You were Tao's long-time bestfriend. I thought I wanted to get to know you", the slim and towering male came to sit on the edge of my bad, answering in an offended tone.

"Why...?"

"Just because."

---

"And you said you didn't have any appetite. Liar." Tao pouted.

---

My phone rang in the middle of the night.

It was Luhan.

"You asleep?"

"I was."

"Sorry. I just wanted to know how you've been."

"Horrible."

"Why? Nightmares?"

I didnt have to say it for him to know. That night when he kissed me, I slept like a log. An after effect from all the crying, I guess. But he said I was murmuring and tossing and turning. But I never woke up sweating, so I thought it wasnt as serious.

But the worry in his voice melted me to not even lie, even a bit. 

"Oh."

"I'm sorry I wasnt there. I had some trouble. But I'll be back by tomorrow or later. Sleep tight, okay?"

"I cant."

"Dream of me. Maybe it'll help you sleep better"

"Please. Nightmares are better."

He chuckled.

That chuckle was what made me sleep better that night. 

---

"I'm back!!!" Luhan shouted as he came running into my room and jumping on my bed.

"What are you...? 12...?" I groaned.

He laid down with me. Snuggled, even.

This boy has been too attached to me, I thought. But I couldnt blame him.

I was attached to him too. 

"I missed you." He mumbled through the blankets.

"That's a surprise."

But then I heard a sob from under the blankets. So I got in, pulled the blankets up like a tent and searched for the smaller boy's hidden face and muffled sobs.

His eyes were open, just barely. But tears were streaming, soaking my bed.

I pulled him close, shocked. Did I sound offending...?! I worried.

"Shhh...shh..appa's here now. Dont cry, my little bear. Omma will be back with snacks"

And he laughed at my sudden-made joke. 

He tugged on my shirt and wiped his tears with it.

"Well that's a nice tissue."

"It was my grandma's death anniversary. My mom was sick so I had to go back. Dad was busy."

"It's okay."

"Its wasnt okay. Its not okay. Mom was sick for a week. Hyung said it was because she was worried about me. I got angry with her for wanting me to come back home for grandma's death anniversary. She offered to drive me home because she knew I was afraid of busses. But I declined. I hated it that she reminded me. And I hate it when she reminds me about grandma. I feel...bad."

"Its okay. It really is okay. It wasnt your fault that your mom was sick. Nature had it coming. And it wasnt your fault either that your grandma died in a bus accident. She had asthma, remember? The world is too crowded, some people has to leave sometime."

He looked up at me.

He touched my face.

"...yeah. I guess you're right. How...how did you cope with these things? You always seem so cool."

"I had a lot of experiences, remember? When my mom died, only my dad grieved. I was thankful that she left before hyung died...because if she was there to see him go, I could never forgive myself. And when hyung left, noona left, so nobody was there for me to cry to. So I have to put a mask on, or not, dad would be much more miserable."

Again, he looked at me like I was some kind of alien.

But when he smiled, I knew he cared. It was the motherly smile. Like the one he gave me last week.

"Sometimes I forget how fragile you are, despite your tough looks. And when I do, I always want to lean on you like I never had the chance to do it on anyone. Next time, you can lean on me. I promise I'll be there."

"Liar. If I say I'm hungry, would you go get me food?"

"Of course! I heard your tummy. Lets go eat."

---

"Sehun-ah, my birthday is coming up. Dont you wanna ask me what I want?" Luhan said at the table.

"No. Cuz its gonna kill me trying to find what you like."

Knowing Luhan for almost 3 years now since the first day of high school, I knew I could leave it to him to make weird and random requests. Let alone a BIRTHDAY request.

I wasnt going to risk it. I'll just spend the day with him.

"Aaaaahhhhhh why noootttttt~~~ I'm turning 16 so I want something niiiiccceeee"

"Am I not nice enough for you?"

Surprisingly, he was shocked by the question. 

He nearly choked on his bulgogi.

He stared at me. I could see his cheeks light up a fade pink.

"I-it's not that...it-it's just...ARGH whatever. Fine. Dont get me anything."

"Okay."

---

[ 12 April 20xx ]

I got up from bed and stretched like a cat.

My foot hit something at the edge of my bed. 

It was a box.

"What the-"

It had a note in it.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY URI MACHINE!!!"

MAY WE SEE YOUR SMILE ONCE IN A WHILE.

-Chen, Umin, Baek

P/s: I took some tissue. My nose was runny. -Baek

Under the note was a beanie. It had the word "MACHINE" on it.

Very funny, you guys.

In my locker, I found another box, from Tao, guessing from the ribbon on it with a little panda hung on it. It was his trademark since he was little. People called him panda because of his eyebags. 

He actually liked it, that idiot.

Happy 16th, Sehunnie <3

I wish we could go out like we used to, but I thought you'd hate it 

since Yifan wants to tag along with me.

I'm sorry I wasnt a good friend to you these years in high school. 

I didnt want to be clingy. I know you hate it.

But I'm not leaving you either. Just come to me if you need anything.

I'll be your little panda doll to cry on, okay?

I hate you <3

-Tao ft Yifan (he told me to write it)

So he does remember. I thought he wouldnt. Last year and the year before, he forgot but I didnt tell him.

There arent many people who knows about my birthday. 

And he remembers our trademark, "I hate you". 

I never liked it if someone says "I love you". It feels like a lie. Everyone who claimed to love me left. So I dont like it.

---

I got a message from Luhan around noon.

He told me to go the park where we like to play soccer. At least, it was Luhan's place to play soccer. Me? I just like strolling there while I accompany Luhan. 

3pm. I still had time till 4, which when he told me to come.

Wait. Doesnt he know it's my birthday? He wants me to accompany him play soccer again?

That kid. And to think he wanted me to get him a special present.

---

I looked for Luhan all over the place.

The field, the stall, the benches, near the lake, but he wasnt anywhere to be found in the park.

My phone rang. It was Luhan.

"Where the hell are you? It's 4.30 but your not here."

"Turn around."

So I did. But it wasnt Luhan.

It was my sister.

"Noona."

"Hi."