And so the day had come.
The day that I had tried to very much avoid from throughout my teen life.
But the day came eventually.

I had picked out the nicest outfit to wear but got scolded by Luhan saying I could do better.
And so had Chunji and Ljoe hyung said when they came along to help me.

"Yahhh. I can do so much better with my eyes closed" Chunji hyung had said.

"Why whats wrong with black pants and a black pullover...?" I had asked, offended. I like black.

"Nothing's wrong if you're going to your neighbour's grandma's funeral" Ljoe hyung had retorded.

"See my point now?" Luhan pat my shoulders, picking out a few garments.

He pulled out a pair of white jeans and a baby blue v-neck shirt with 'TRY ME' written in the center.

I wanted to ask why did he pick out a shirt saying that but I guess he had it figured out.

"You did mention that you had a slight grudge for your dad and wanted him to be aware of that because its his fault, so I'm betting that if you turn up looking fairly decent as a 'distancing' teen that he pointed you out as but with a little warning...just a little, he would definitely get some kind of idea," he had said cheerfully.

Yes I wanted to give him the idea that I'm trying to be better with a little push but I wanted to impress him too. 

Hesitating, I looked at Chunji and Ljoe hyung.

Both just shrugged at me in agreement to what Luhan had said.
Chunji hyung got up and escorted me to the mirror, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"I know you said you dont prefer calling him your dad but I know you still care for him. Dont worry, what Luhan said was right. You held a grudge but its only because you felt what he said to you or how he treated you in the past was unfair. So this is just a mere threat for him that if he keeps on doing it, he will only end up being the one tested, nothing more. Show him that you're not a baby, just a normal teenager who only wants his dad to look at him as he is without feeling disappointed and such" he said quietly.

Chunji hyung had looked at me with that serious stare he had in the mirror.

I held up the shirt and put it against my chest.
Yes, I was just doing this to show him that I'm more than just a baby.
That I can do better.

I had studied my best and landed in the top 10 places in my class for my mid-terms just so that I could show him I had potential, and I had joined the track team because Luhan said I had to put my long legs to good use when really, I knew he said it to encourage me join a club to impress my dad.

I did a lot of things to impress him so why not test him a bit...right?

"I'm going to try these."

"Good. Come out when you're ready, okay?" Luhan beamed.

"Told you he would. You owe me ice cream" I heard Chunji hyung say to Ljoe hyung, who grunted.

---

*DING DONG*

I pressed the bell. I heard footsteps coming to the door.
The intercom lighted.

"Sehunnie...?" I heard Noona said.

"...hm" I formed a nervous smile.

The door opened, and I saw my sister wearing a flowery sundress of the shade of soft blue.

She smiled.

"How do I look?" she did a little twirl, which I found adorable.

"Beautiful, just as you've always been."

She smiled and took a few steps in my direction.

She hugged me firm, patting my back softly and caressing my hair.

"And you look handsome. Dont worry, I'm here. If you feel too burdened, just tell me. I'll help you go through it."

"...okay" my eyes started stinging.

She let me go and was shocked when she saw my eyes watering.

"Why whats wrong...? Sehunnie?" she cupped my cheeks.

"I'm just really happy you're here."

"Oh, Sehunnie...come, come inside and I'll make you something warm before dad gets here."

---

It took dad an hour to arrive, not that I complained.

I had loads of time to catch up with noona and I loved it, too.
I loved how she told me back in Washington, people called her Jessica and she was one of the only girls in her class during her university years. She had tons of boys chasing after her only to be led away by her best friends, who were tall and muscular, 2 of them Korean and the other, British.

She showed me pictures of her old apartment and some pictures of her hanging out with some friends and such.

"How did you survive there...? I mean, with the money and culture...and, and the hectic life between school and work..." I asked.

"Well, sometimes dad send me money for the apartment and school but other than that, I earned quiet some money with my part-time jobs during school and college years. Life there was good, as I recalled," she smiled.

Dad gave her money...?

*DING DONG*

We both jumped a bit, shocked that dad was finally here.
Noona looked at me and gave me a light squeeze on the shoulders, smiling.

"Good luck to us both. Dont faint on me Oh Sehun" she joked as she went to the door.

I stood, with my hands behind my back and my back to the wide windows noona had in her new apartment that overlooked the city.

I was nervous...but I was more than determined to meet dad after months of keeping a distance between each other. The last time we met was last year's end of the year parent-teacher meeting.
My grades were filthy then.

And dad was angry.

"...he's already inside", I heard noona said.

A few seconds later, I saw dad coming into the living room with his girlfriend in tow, arms linked.

He took a while to inspect me from my hair that I trimmed a few days ago (thanks to Luhan, again) all the way down to my ironed white jeans.
He was impressed, I could tell, because he didnt scoff.

"Good evening, Ms Soo Hyun, its nice to finally meet you. I'm Sehun, the maknae of the family" I smiled, bowing a bit to his girlfriend.

"Oh! So this is Sehun...its nice to meet you too, sweetie. You're too handsome too be you're father's son", she joked.

I laughed as politely as I could considering the fact that my sister was red-faced behind dad preventing herself from bursting into laughter.

"...and dad. Its nice to see you again. How've you been?" 

I trained my eyes on him, trying not to show my nervousness and such, asking him just like what I've rehearsed with Jongin and Luhan (they agreed to help me last week after I said I had no idea what to say to him the moment I see him).

He was taken aback by my question but he didnt allow himself to be so.

He looked at me and nodded.

"Fine. As healthy as I've always been. I see you being a bit taller than before...and a bit more manly, too."

"You're not so bad yourself...I see you've gotten manlier too in the past few months," I nodded in his girlfriend's baby bump direction.

She smiled, a bit shy and giggled. Dad also smiled a bit, which was a good sign.

"Shall we move this conversation to the dinning room, then? We dont want the food to be cold, now, do we?" noona piped up.

"No, no we dont" dad said, a little cheerier than before.

---

I quickly went to my room to find to Luhan and as expected, he was there, playing with his PSP on my bed.

Upon hearing me enter the room, Luhan looked up and I could swear I saw his eyes gleamed, even in the dim room, a few couple feets away.
And I found it very amusing, very comforting to see each time I come to see him.

"Hey," he said, quietly.

"Hi", I walked to him slowly, sitting next to him.

He quickly caved into me and cuddled against me, throwing his PSP away.

Finding comfort in his actions, I wrapped my arms around him, kissing his hair.

"So how'd it go? I mean...if you dont mind me asking..." he whispered.

"It was okay..."

"...are you sure?" he didnt look up.

"..."

"Sehun..." he pat my chest lightly.

"Yes?"

"If it hurts, say it, dont keep it. If its sad, cry, dont contain it."

He tried to move to look at me, to comfort me, putting me in his arms instead, but I squeezed him tighter, preventing him from moving.
Even from the thought of it, I started shaking.

He knew me too well.

"Sehun...?" I heard him say.

"...just, just stay still for a minute..." I stuttered as my lips quivered.

"...okay" he said, as his arms slowly tighten around my lower back.

I couldnt stand it anymore...
...the tears that threatened to drop earlier was already pouring now.
I wasnt sure but I think I even hiccuped with all the sobbing and crying into Luhan's soft hair.

And during all that time, Luhan's small hands never stopped patting my back and caressing my hair.

---

[ EARLIER ]

I had made up my mind to ask dad what I had wanted to ask since years ago up till earlier tonight.
And I had the chance to do so when noona brought dad's girlfriend to watch a video she wanted to show her. 

I was thankful that noona helped me try find a little time to be with dad alone.

He was on the little balcony that noona had on the side of her apartment.

I took a deep breath and stepped outside, closing the sliding door behind me slowly.

"...I'm guessing she's not JUST your girlfriend anymore?" I had asked almost immediately.

"No, no she's not...why? Does it upset you?" he asked me back without turning to look at me.

"Nahhh. I'm fine with it, as long as its what you both want. Besides, it's not an option for me to be upset or not cuz it doesnt involve me. It's YOUR relationship", I said, a bit confidently.

"Good to know.....I actually wanted to tell you since last year...that we, we got married. But just by registry, no ceremony or anything cuz we're getting old and people are busy so..."

"Why didnt you tell me...? I mean like, at least a heads up or something" I tried to say gently.

"I know you'd be upset. Just like when you were a kid...and  like right now."

"But I'm not upset-" I tried to keep my voice steady.

I tried deep breathing and quickly composed my next sentences and questions in my head.

Seeing me silent, he looked at me quietly.

 "Okay, never mind that...but I need to ask you something else."

"Havent you being that for a while now...?" he lips twitched, wanting to smirk at me.

"Did you know where noona was all this time and chose not to tell me? Is there a reason to it...?"

"...yes, and yes absolutely."

"You still dont wanna tell me about it...even now?" I could hear my heart breaking.

What, did he not trust me with something? Or was he just too lazy to do so? I cant seem to understand him-

"I didnt tell you cuz I know you'd want me to call her back the moment you know where she is and she said she wasnt ready for that, to come home and meet you. She said she was sorry for leaving you behind and everything, that's why..." he turned away.

"...and you, dad? Werent you sorry for also leaving me?" I couldnt take it anymore.

"I'm not, cuz I didnt leave you. I supported you with school and everything, remember? I was the only one for you" he said like it was a-matter-of-fact.

"...no dad, no. You werent the only one. You werent even the one. Tao was there for me, Luhan was there for me, Chunji hyung, Ljoe hyung, Jongin, Chen, Umin...but you dont know them, do you? Yeah cuz you never asked me of my school life or how I was even doing, you just lectured me and scolded me if I flunk my grades and stuff. If that's your definition of 'being there' for me than I guess you were there. But really, you werent."

I had to stop to breathe because too many words were recklessly trying to come out of its hiding place. 
That hiding place that I've stored so far away from anyone's knowledge for years now.

"And I'm thankful for the money and 'support' that you say you give but if you dont trust me enough to tell me about things that involve our family, than why do you even care about me? If I'm family, you should have just told me. I'm not that much of a baby anymore! I cant handle myself pretty well, okay?!" I raised my voice a bit, just enough to emphasize my words.

"Oh really? Then what about now? I dont see you handling it THAT well" he narrowed his eyes at me.

"That's because you never see me as I am! I was worse then, but I grew up, no thanks to you. And I'm still trying to myself, at the very least. I just cant handle myself when I'm in front of you. YOU, dad, you. Because I'm too mad at you" my eyes were starting to blur my vision.

"For what? Why are you mad at me?" he countered, not satisfied with my words.

I didnt know what it was, but I blamed the tone of voice that he used.
Its like he was challenging me when I'm merely just saying what I needed to, not to pick a fight.
Its like he's still looking at me as a baby who wants attention and nothing more
Its like he's not even interested in what I'm saying, just interested with my attitude at the moment.

"EVERYTHING." I gritted my teeth.

"And from where does that 'everything' starts?" he straightens his posture, fully turning to me.

"From when mum died. Just because mum died, you ignored all of us, moping and grieving like you were the only one who cared about her. We were broken too, dad, we were, and we needed some support from a parent figure, but where were you? Locking yourself up. I knew it hurt even if I was a mere kid, but I felt it too. Then hyung died, and what did you do? Blame me for it. I dont care if you do, cuz I blamed myself too, even now, but from all that blaming, do you know what it did to noona? She was a teenager, dad, her emotions were everywhere and she needed someone to tell her it was okay. I was too small to do that and too young to tell her to stay but you werent. You werent. You let her go, thinking it was good for her or something but then what did it do to me? Me...?! I was alone. ALONE. I had no one to cry to, to tuck me in at night, to ask what was happening, to help me do my homework, to grow up...no one..." 

A minute before, I was angry. But then...I was tired. I was just tired.
I wanted him to know everything.

But I couldnt help but break down.

I didnt care at the time if he thought I was still a baby from the single tear that I shed.

I had stopped myself before it got any worse.
I went back inside to retrieve my coat and get ready to leave...

...when I saw my sister crying by the stairs.

I went to her, heart even more broken than it already was, trying to both seek comfort from her and give her some.
She quietly sobbed as she covered her face.
She flinched when I sat down beside her and wrapped my arms around her. 

She looked up at me and I saw her lips quiver.

"I'm sorry...I'm really sorry, Sehun-ah..." she whispered, cupping my face.

"Me too, noona. Me too. I'm sorry I wasnt there for you...wasnt able to understand you..."

"How could you...? How could you, Sehun? You were but a baby, our precious baby...MY baby," she smiled a little.

My heart clenched when she said I was her baby.

I never knew what it was like to be someone's. It was the first time I've heard someone call me theirs.
The bare fact of it hurt me, so much that I was ready to scream.

Instead, I cried in noona's arms.

---

"Are you okay now...?" Luhan asked for the god knows how many times for the night.

"Yeah...I am" I rubbed my eyes.

"You must've been tired...going through all of that", he whispered as he craddled my head on his shoulder.

He played with my fingers, now and again kissing my palm.
I didnt stop him from doing so. It felt good.

It felt like someone needed me.

Finally.

Each time I sighed, Luhan would kiss my cheek.

"Come on, this wont do" he suddenly snapped.

"...w-what?" I stuttered, shocked.

"Come on, lets go somewhere open, take some fresh air or something,"

"But where? Its 10pm and the gates are going to be closed by 12. We dont have time-"

"Who ever said we had to leave the hostel?" he smiled.

Confused, I just let him pull me up and gave me a hug.
It was warm, Luhan's hug. Luhan was warm too and I cant remember when I came to love that warmth.

---

[ Luhan's POV ]

"Just dont be too shocked, okay?" I said.

I knew he would've been tired once he came back from their family dinner, but I had no idea that he was BROKEN.
From the moment he came in through the door, my heart sank.

It was a good thing I had asked Umin and the others to set up a little hanging place on the rooftop.

It would do good to all of them because I knew how Baekhyun would be fussing over how the new kid Chanyeol kept following him around the whole week, I knew how tired Umin would be after 2 weeks of volunteering as a coach's assistant, I knew how Kyungsoo would want to spend some time with the rest because Jongin hadnt introduce the whole group properly to the boy yet...

...every body needed a little time to be together to find their places again. To find confidence and comfort from each other.

But most of all fresh air.

"Can we even be here? I mean, isnt the rooftop a forbidden place during the night?" Sehun fussed.

I smiled at him as I guided him up the stairs, bringing a picnic basket filled with food and refreshing drinks for everyone.

Sehun was holding the blankets in his arms as he followed me.

I opened the door and I was greeted with dim lantern lights that filled the rooftop.

"Ohhh!!! Roommate~~~" I saw Lay waving at me. I waved back, smiling.

"Luhan-ah...I thought you changed your mind on coming up...?" Umin called from his spot.

"Is that Chen?" I heard Sehun whisper to me.

"Nahhh. I wanted to bring my boyfriend up too, seeing how attached all of you are with yours..." I said.

If Sehun was taken aback by the fact Umin was craddling Chen's head in his lap as the boy slept, he was literally lost for words when I said 'boyfriend' as I was pulling his hands to an empty spot nea the others.

I put down the baskets, opened it for everyone and laid the blankets that Sehun dropped a while ago for us to sit on.

I patted the empty space beside me and Sehun obliged, sitting fairly close to me, despite the fact he was shocked by what I said earlier.

"Dont you like it...?" I asked quietly.

"O-of course. Its nice up here and-"

"No, I meant the part where I announced you as my boyfriend."

"Oh..." he spaced out almost immediately.

"Sehun...? Are you okay?" I cupped his cheek.

"I-I'm okay. Are you...you know, sure?" he looked at me.

"...about?" I laced my fingers with him, obtaining a little blush from him.

I've never seen Sehun actually blush. 
It was partially cute, but it actually scared me, too.

Did he not want to be my boyfriend?

"About me being your boyfriend...?" he whispered.

"I think I'm pretty sure about it. Why...dont you? I mean, do you, not, want to be...like, labelled as a boyfriend? You dont have to accept it, I mean the title, if you dont want to because its just a...a way, to show people that you're...I dont know, mine...? I guess?" I tried to let go of his hand.

"N-NO! Of course I want to...its just that..." he quietly held my hand again right after I let his go.

"...just what, Sehunnie?" I kissed his cheek and he smiled.

I'd seen him cry so many times before, but when this 1 droplet of tear trickled down his milky-white cheeks, I was dumbfounded.

I amost panicked, but Sehun just looked at me and smiled a little, his eyes tired.
It quickly softened me. Oh how fragile he looked at the time.

He held my other hand and just gently kissed me.

A really gentle yet firm kiss.

"...this is the second time tonight...and since I was born, for that matter, that I hear someone say I'm theirs...noona called me her baby after we cried like kids by the stairs and the feeling was just...incredible. And then you said, that...I was your boyfriend...I thought I could burst..."

The moment he said that, I just couldnt supress a smile.

I was too happy. Too happy that Sehun was mine. Not mine to keep, but mine to love.

"As of now, I think I can burst too, thanks to you."

And he smiled.

"I love you Sehun. I love you," I whispered, leaning in.

Within a second, I was pinned down on the blankets, my arms locked by Sehun's muscular ones.

He looked at me intensely and smiled.
For a moment, I could really get lost into those brown eyes, no matter how cliche that sounds.

"I love you more", he breathed.

And he placed a rough kiss on my lips.

It was rough and possessive, hungry. But I didnt give in that easily, also wanting authority.
Failing miserably, Sehun took over, biting my lips for entrance. The moment I gave him that, he eagerly explored me, not even giving me a chance to breathe, not that I complained though.

And It took a while to regain our breath momentum again after a series of hot and wet kisses, but once I laid down and faced the sky as Sehun did so, I found my breath again, thankfully.

"Finally, you're done, ugh", Baekhyun said from his spot.

"...were we, were we THAT loud?" I asked him, sitting up, pulling Sehun's head onto my lap.

"Nahhh...Jongin was louder...I mean, still is," Umin said as he glanced at the corner where Jongin was dominantly on top of Kyungsoo.

"You're phone vibrated, here. Thought ought'd to let you know since you didnt hear it before...being too busy" Lay said as he winked, suddenly coming up to Sehun from my side, handing him Sehun's phone.

"...thanks."

"Hey, who're you with...?" I asked Lay, just out of curiousity of the boy I rarely see lying beside him , asleep.

"Joonmyeon. He's from another class. I dont know what happened but he suddenly said he was intersted in me..."

"...who wouldnt?" I , then leaving him be with this Joonmyeon.

Turning back to Sehun, I froze.

His face suddenly changed when he read the text message he received earlier.

Worried, I went close to him.

"...who is it?" I asked quietly.

"Dad."

"What'd he say?"

"...he said...he said he's sorry."