i have no money for therapy so i spend all my free time on pinterest
searching cbt and dbt worksheets as if i am willing the nine symptoms
of borderline personality disorder to go away but we both know that
my abandonment issues aren't going anywhere, not anytime soon

google tells me, prognosis rates are good
they tell me, i'm misunderstood. once you get treatment, you'll get better
year two in ite, i dragged myself to the therapist
there, i spent two hours convincing her that nothing was wrong
everything is ing wrong.

the therapist believes me

they call it frantic attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
I think i'm okay but sometimes i sit at night,
snapping rubber bands for every single time i think of him;
for every racing thought, 
for every moment i sink into a cold, dark place
maybe he left me because i wasn't pretty enough
this boy tells me i look fine either way, i hide behind my disbelief
in orange lipstick and winged eyeliner

i don't think i'll ever be pretty enough
what if i am never pretty enough

my sister tells me that i was 14 when they first sat me down and went
through the list of symptoms. at 21, i stare at the same list with horror.
i know more things now, but i'm not better for it. 
i don't want to live long enough to watch the checklist burn my life down to its ground.