i. 

when my sister's boyfriend calls me a dank meme
i turn on a display of kardashian tears so convincing and comical, kris jenner would be proud
he says, tongue in cheek, no one will ever love me
i wonder if its true, i wonder if anyone will ever love me
i wonder why it matters

ii.

everything becomes a punchline in the cosmic joke we call life
when god pulls the rug underneath my sandcastle plans
i laugh until stitches form in my underbelly
except that you cannot stitch holes left by earthquakes
when a house splits right in the centre, 
you are going to need more than metal strings to pull cement together.

how do you stitch the holes left behind by cancer cells
stretching and growing around her organs
they were hellbent on destruction the same way she was hellbent on survival
brave and greedy, they were just like her

how do you tell her she was inspiration,
that the harsh truths felt like coming back home
how do i tell her i love her?
the answer: i didn't 

iii.

october 2014; handicap toilet, first floor
a junior walks in at the cusp of my relpase
she asks me if i'm okay, i cannot admit that everything is wrong

where there used to be 365 days, there is now a gap
when people tell me that the number do not seem to add up right
i hide behind polite smiles, self deprecating humor and dramatic displays of how can anything be wrong
i bel