❝one of many❞

I have this tendency to weight words
before making my own judgment. 
some would call me silly - 
how can vowels and syllables mean so much 
when they are suspended, 
weightless in the air. 

but do you know that it takes only a roll of an eye
for a susceptible teenager 
to pull the trigger to their gun 
and no one gives a –
not until you find them in the toilet
dead 
and maybe that’s why when
you told me you were worried
I laughed bitterly

I could not help it – 
could not help the resentment 
bubbling up 
the surface of my consciousness; 
I cannot forgive
the way you throw out pretty words,
your voice laced with concern – 
you were not there when I was only inches away from a knife 
and I cannot forgive myself 
for believing in you – inheriting weakness 
that came from holding onto silver promises 
in the form of words

maybe my skin is just a little too thin
and my pride is a little too strong
that every blunt word,
every roll of the eye
does not only bruise my ego
but crushes the very earth I stand on
leaves me wondering
why I should even try
because each attempt
was scoffed at, mocked by
the people I thought cared –
but each time I tried they showed me
exactly why trusting people is
another one of my long lines of mistakes<