❝you call yourself teachers❞

to the counsellor and the disciplune master
i am suffering from emotional dysregulation
all it takes is one glance -
one glance and I know
that they will never see it
but I still try and i know: 
their lives are too squeaky perfect,
too black and white
for me to explain the shades of grey
to them: having feelings, getting hurt
is "emotional dysregulation"
and I don't need a ing dictionary
to know they are implying
that this whole problem
was because of my "perspective"
and it does not take much for me
to understand they are implying
that maybe they were not wrong
for pushing me aside like I was an old toy
like hushed whispers in the hallways
are not vicious.
"go back to school. try one more time"
they see my silence, my refusal
as running away. no.
I'm not running away - 
there's nothing to mend:
the damage is done.
and if you have lived thirty long years and
you cannot understand that
there are more ways than one to close a chapter
then i wonder who is the one guilty
of a black and white thinking?
I am fighting too
just not with swords or with words
even silence has a place of its own
and its place is here.
and I cannot believe that it takes me to burst into
shameful tears for them to think
that my pain is "real"
it shouldn't