“My name is Lee Chaerin. And this…is my story…”

When I was a kid, there’s a boy in my class that had been catching my attention. Seunghyun, that’s his name, a newly transferred student. He was kind of a quiet kid, not talking much just a grin and sometimes he just nodded if anyone was asking him anything. He liked to play by himself and he liked to be alone, away from everyone. And he had one weird obsession- frogs. Whenever I saw him, I always watched him playing in the drain, catching tadpoles and frogs.

I really don’t know what he’s doing with those animals.

Until one day, other kids were bullying him, saying he was dirty and ugly and they would pick a fight on him. But he was weak. He couldn’t defend himself. So, I rushed to them and stood in front of him. I yelled to the other kids saying that if they dared to mess around with him, I will punch them hard. With my hard cold face and high-pitched voice, all of them grew afraid and they left. And after that no one ever talk to us anymore.

Every day I would accompany him to catch the frogs and when I asked him why, he just smiled and continued his work. He put them in a plastic bag and when the school’s over, both of us will go to nearest river and he would release them.

He told me that the frogs were lost and he wanted them to be free again. That’s why he caught and put them back to the river.

I smiled at him and since that day, I was his partner in crime. I was his sidekick, and he was my hero.

After a year, he had to leave. His father was back from the army and they had to move again. And when his car left the school compound, I cried.

And that was the day I found out that I was in love with him. And he was my first love.

Several years passed and I grew up differently. I was no longer a sweet little girl who was strong headed but kind hearted. I cut my long hair and I became more boyish. But despite all that changes, a boy succeed in acquiring my cold heart. He came to me with a flower and a letter and he left in haste. He handed me with shaky hands and I couldn’t help but smile at his anxiety. He wrote that he likes me and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. And after a few days of thinking, I accepted his request and he became my first boyfriend.

Well, in that time I was just playing around.

On our first date, he brought me to a café and he bought me an ice cream, a vanilla flavour. I usually hate ice cream, because it’s too cold and sugary but he made me fell in love with the sweetness of the dessert. And that was the first time I ever enjoyed having an ice cream.

I experienced many first time with him. My first bicycle ride, my first couple ring, couple t-shirt and the most important thing…my first kiss.

It was a Sunday evening in autumn, and he brought me home with his bicycle from the class. He had stopped a few yards away from my house so that he could walked me home, just to prolong the time that we spent together. And when I wanted to say goodbye, he bent down and kiss me. It was just a peck actually, but in that brief second, I was in heaven. And it felt like forever, like the clock had stopped ticking. After that, he just smiled sweetly and ruffled my hair. And I was blushing hard.

Tell me I was a hopeless romantic, tell me I was a drama queen but each and every one of us dreams of a fairy tale. And that moment, I hoped he was the prince charming that I had been waiting for.

I always thought that we would be together forever but fate had something else for us. A few months before our graduation, he suddenly went missing. Everyone was talking about him; the whole school was searching for him. But he was nowhere to be found.

When I went to his home, the house was empty. His neighbours said that they had moved out a couple of days ago and the tomorrow’s morning, the school had received a letter saying that he wouldn’t be able to attend the school anymore. But it didn’t state a reason.

And just like that, he was gone.

I was devastated.

The most painful goodbyes were the ones that are never said and never explain.

A year passed and I was preparing for college, when suddenly a lady came to my house with a round paper box. She said that his late son wanted her to give it to me.

Suddenly, I felt terrified. My heart pounded loudly.

When I opened the box, my eyes caught a letter and a small box. I picked up the letter and began to read. My tears filled up to the brim as I scanned the words.

 It was from him. His last love letter for me.

He said that he was no longer able to love me and his time was up. But in his final wish, he wanted me to be happy. To fall in love with someone else, who can loves me forever. And he will be watching me from heaven. So that I shouldn’t be afraid to face the world. He would always be there to protect me from up above.

I couldn’t hold back my tears, and I was weeping and kneeling on the floor with his letter tightly clutched on my chest.

And once again, I was broken-hearted.

And after I knew the reasons, my heart could shatter properly.

The small box contained a thin gold band, a wedding ring that he supposed to give me when he proposed. His mother said that he wanted to marry me after graduation, but suddenly he fell ill. He was suffering from leukaemia and after a few months fighting with the disease, he passed away silently in his sleep.

He said that he didn’t want anyone to know about him and that’s why they moved out and he had to stay in the hospital for his treatment. Every day, he couldn’t stop talking about me. He told his parent how much he missed me and how he wanted to marry me after he’s healthy again. And the thought of meeting me again gave him strength to live and endured the pain of the chemotherapy.

On his deathbed, he wrote the letter and he asked his mother to give it to me when he was no longer here. And after a month, finally I got to receive his wish.

And I regretted that I couldn’t see him again or maybe taking care of him when he was sick. I was not there when he needed me the most. I should’ve tried to find him harder and maybe I would found him and maybe, he was still alive.

That thought was killing me. And I couldn’t help but blaming myself of what had happened.

And my desire to love and to be love had vanished along with him. I couldn’t think that I will able to love anyone after this.

He had died with my love and I couldn’t betray his love for me.

When I went to college in Australia, I changed completely. I was no longer Lee Chaerin that I used to be. I’m bolder, colder and I became more ladylike. I learnt how to wear makeup and dressed more feminine- dresses and skirts were my new garments. My parent was glad with the transformation and they approved with the new look, saying that, that was how a lady should dress up. I let my hair grew longer and I even changed my hair colour. From black to corn blonde.

I became someone new.

Life in the college was fantastic. I’ve been friended with everyone and every guy wanted to go out with me. I had thousands of friends and I became the centre of the popular crew. I was a cheerleader and my life was groundless. I went out with every guy in the college and even someone who was older than me.

I was wild and young. And I’m away from home.

I stopped caring about feelings, about love. All I cared about was I don’t want to be alone again. And as long as I don’t give my heart to anyone, I wouldn’t be hurt.

That kind of lifestyle lasted for over a year and I lost my ity for some random guy from a party. I was drunk. And I don’t even remember him in the morning. But the harrowing pain proved to me that something had happened last night.

I gathered my clothes hastily and when I came out from the building, I bumped to a girl who later became the most important person in my life. She was Han Yuri.

With her help, I managed to leave the cold and wild CL and reverted back to the old Lee Chaerin. And I learnt to love again. She said to me that in order to love someone, I have to be able to love myself first. And she was right, I was abandoning myself. I was a mess. But she never told me that I was useless. She always reminded me that she didn’t care who I am or who I used to be, she wanted to be my friend and she loves the way I am.

And since then, I followed her everywhere. I’ve became her shadow.

Although I still had a fear in falling in love, I couldn’t deny the fact that I need to love a guy, and someday, I need to marry someone. But all started to change. When I least expected, I fell in love again.

His name was Choi Senghyun. Ironically, he has the same name with my first love and that was the first thing that drawing me in.

When I first met him, he was…beautiful. I know he was a guy, but it’s not that kind of beauty. He was glowing, like an angel has come down to earth. He was perfect.

My mangled heart started to beat again.

I tried to ignore the attraction that I felt from him, after seeing how he stared at Yuri in a party. And I kne