Title: 4/5

Somewhat long, but the mystery of it catches the reader's eye.

Description: 9/10

A question is always a great way to catch attention because it makes the reader think about what the possible answers could be. Even better, you made it an excerpt from the story. “… brutal murders. Written in their blood at…” The use of this pronoun sparks more of an interest in the reader, which in turn brings them into the actual story. Also, I liked how you didn’t specify where these two characters were. It could be a variety of things from a police office to an abandoned warehouse. Great start.

Plot: 29/35

So far, you’ve established most of your exposition and are just tip-toing into the rising action. You’re creating an aura of mystery around your characters, but the description of what’s going on around them is only focused on the murders. Adding a few extra sentences to how your characters get into the ‘most secure facility in the nation’ will definitely do it justice. Also, the characters could use some more traits. For example, one of the office workers (if they’re one of the killers) could be limping because he jumped down from the roof of the building trying to get away from Navy officers the night before. Simple things like that stand out later in the story and give the author more to work with.

Conflicts: 8/10

I’ve spotted two conflicts: the murder and who the killers could be. These are great to work off of, but you need to develop small things here and there that stop our heroes from getting to where they want to be. For example, the last book I read was Daughter of Smoke and Bone. Karou had just finished battling an angel and was in her apartment when Kishmish, a bird from hell that she’d known all her life, came to her while on fire with a note from Brimstone, her caretaker. The note crumbled in her fingers from being charred and she couldn’t read it. I’m still wondering about what it said, and that’s th