rating: PG ( for allusion to alcohol, mild swearing, and self-harm )

genre: angst, implied romance

word count: approx. 2,200+

Kai stood in one of the more quiet corners of the room, his back slouched against the wall and his breath fragrant with some type of alcohol. Before him were several people dancing to what seemed like the tenth dubstep track to play on the stereo tonight. Not that Kai was paying that much attention; it only felt like the tenth. Instead, he was keeping a lookout for her.

Krystal Jung.

He had seen her more than a couple times at radical social functions like these, but he's never actually talked to her. He only found out her name after eavesdropping on a conversation she was having with someone else, which was brief and sadly had nothing to do with him at all. Her face and name stuck with him though; and they never left him alone since.

He remembers the first time he laid eyes on her very well. Maybe even too well. She was wearing a fitted black mini dress and a black leather jacket that draped awkwardly on her small frame. Her hair – whether or not it was styled this way on purpose, Kai doesn't know – was in shambles but somehow she made it look good without even trying. Everything about her just looked so effortless and untouchable; it was as if she came from another world. Which she probably did because Kai didn't know any other girl who walked, talked, or had the same mannerisms as Krystal did. The world she came from was probably very different – one that wasn't so dark and drab like this one, Kai thinks. Yet low and behold, here she was in his like some kind of fallen angel, compelling yet frighteningly beautiful all at the same time.

Kai often wondered whether or not he would have enough courage to talk to her. He always came to the same conclusion: I'm not good enough. Someone as beautiful and special as Krystal surely had better things to do. Better people to talk to.

Better guys to date.

Kai would be lying if he didn't think about what it would be like to date someone like her. He imagined it would be somewhat difficult; and while Kai can appreciate a good challenge, he wasn't the kind of person who would actively search for one. Especially not one where the odds were completely and totally out of his favor. He convinced himself that watching her from afar was more than enough – even though deep in his heart he knew he was just being a coward.

It's better to be safe than sorry.

Krystal pulled down on the left sleeve of her leather jacket, making sure it covered the skin well beyond her wrist. She also took the time to readjust the hems of her denim shorts and pulled at the frayed ends to remove any undesired threads. She never liked parties; but she figured that it was a good way to distract herself from what was bothering her.

Everything was bothering her.

Glancing at her reflection in one of the hallway's windows, she froze. All of her flaws, all of her imperfections, stood out to her like several alarms going off at once. Her bony legs; her messy, tangled hair; her nose which curved slightly inward when she looked at it at certain angles; and much, much more.

She was told that this was only a phase. One day she'd be able to grow out of her insecurities and realize how beautiful she really was. But Krystal wasn't the kind of person to be patient. She wanted immediate satisfaction, as indicated by all the beauty products stacked along the metal racks in her bathroom. She never used any of them more than once though. None of them made her look right.

None of them would ever make her look right.

Krystal scoffed, somehow annoyed with herself. Then she pressed on, walking towards the jagged music booming in the loft at the end of the hall.

Kai's eyes lit up upon seeing her walk into the room. She was wearing the same leather jacket he had seen her wear several times before. Sometimes he wondered why she wore it when it clearly didn't fit her. That, and it was too hot in this crowded apartment to feel even remotely cold. Whatever reason it was, it didn't matter that much to him; he was simply being curious.

Staying true to his curiosity, Kai watched Krystal as she weaved her way through the crowd. She didn't talk to anyone. She only kept her eyes straight ahead to wherever she was going. Where she was going, Kai was unsure, but it didn't strike him until a moment later that she was walking towards him. Her eyes met his instantly, and as much as Kai wanted to look away, he couldn't.

Eventually, however, he would.

Krystal in a breath when she found a pair of big brown eyes staring at her. She gave the owner a brief once-over, taking note of his slim yet broad build and the shadows of his face that were intensified due to the lack of light in the corner he was standing in. Why was he standing in a corner? Why was he looking at her? Why was he still looking?

For a brief moment, Krystal thought that maybe he thought she was pretty. Maybe he actually saw something special in her. Something that she couldn't see but desperately wanted to so she could prove to herself that she was more than just a waste of space.

The thought soon left her when he finally looked away. He was grimacing. Krystal was crushed. No guy would find her attractive, not ever. Especially with the scars she had.

Krystal felt a strong, burning itch along the inner part of her left arm as she thought about them. The cuts she left on herself, all neat and perfectly aligned, looked hideous yet beautiful at the same time. At least that's what Krystal thought. Although she wasn't proud of them, they gave her a sense of power. Since she couldn't control how she looked, she figured she could control how much pain she felt. It didn't matter to her how twisted her logic was, as long as she had something within her grasp, within her direct manipulation, she was all right.

In this particular moment, however, Krystal was not all right.

Kai tore his eyes away from her.

This is so stupid. I am so stupid.

He still believed that Krystal was out of his league. He was still convinced that it wouldn't be worth trying to talk to her because he felt that he wasn't worth talking to at all. He was shy. Quiet. More timid than other guys his age. He was afraid of a lot of things, and he hardly stood for anything – even himself, however pathetic it was.

The corners of his mouth turned downwards in a frown of disgust. He hated himself – for several things, actually. He hated himself for being so helpless. He hated himself for being so weak. He hated himself for so many things he thought he was when really, he wasn't, because no matter what he believed in, these “things” were just lies he fed to himself so he wouldn't have to be brave.

Too consumed with his own problems, Kai missed the moment when Krystal turned around and ran out the door. He was right in thinking that she wouldn't spare him a second glance. (Because she didn't.) But that didn't necessarily mean he wanted her to look away. He wanted her to come back.

Then what the hell are you doing just standing around?

You don't belong here.

Just go!

And that's when Kai finally mustered up the courage to run after her, letting go of all the lies and leaving them behind in the dark corner he was lurking in. He was finally free – scared, but free. He decided that he liked the feeling and determined that he would never be running away from something he truly wanted again.

Instead, he was going to run to it.

Krystal kept running, her surroundings blurring out of focus as tears spilled from the corners of her eyes. She didn't stop to wipe them because she didn't care. She didn't care about the mascara leaving black watery streaks along the sides of her face. She didn't care about the raw skin on her left arm tearing open when she scratched at it compulsively. She didn't care about anything anymore because she was too focused on swallowing the pain. Or rather, getting swallowed by the pain.

You're pathetic.

You're ugly.

You won't be special.

You are nothing.

Krystal crumpled down in a haphazard heap on the floor. She pressed her temple against the wall, strands of hair clinging to her sticky wet face. The rough carpet scraped the skin on her knees, her hopelessly bony knees, but she didn't notice. The burning pain along the skin of her left arm overshadowed everything. It didn't even dawn on Krystal that she was drawing blood until she felt droplets fall on her lap, staining her thighs and denim shorts with streaks of crimson red.

She stared at it blankly. She wasn't sobbing, but she was still crying. The tears were relentless. What was she even doing here in the first place? What made her think it would be a good idea to go to a party in such a state as hers? Maybe it was because she was looking for something. Looking for what, she doesn't know; but maybe she was searching for some kind of escape. Some kind of salvation that would take her away from the darkness that surrounded her every single day.

“Hey.”

Feeling a light tap on her shoulder, Krystal was suddenly broken out of her reverie. She turned around slightly, forgetting that her left arm was still bleeding and limp across her lap, and drew in a shallow breath.

It was the guy she saw earlier. Except now she could see him more clearly under the bright fluorescent lighting of the hallway. Dressed in a black button-up dress shirt tucked under belted black pants, he looked even more handsome than when she saw him before. The lines of definition on his face looked sharper, making him look less boyish than all the other guys she's met that were her age. His plump lips were pursed in a tight line and his eyes on her were steady and unmoving. She liked it, yet feared it, all at the same time.

“What do you want?” she tried to snap. Instead it came out like some kind of mix between a choke and a gurgle. She looked weak and she knew it. She hated that. She knew that he knew it too, and for some reason, she seemed to hate that even more than the former.

“I saw you at the party earlier and...” His voice, deep and low, sounded hesitant. “I didn't get to say hi.”

Krystal didn't give him a reply. She didn't know what to say so she figured not to say anything at all.

“Hi,” he continued. “I don't know if you know this, but your arm is bleeding,” he remarked, looking down at her lap with deep concern.

That managed to coax a laugh out of Krystal. It sounded bitter, but she rarely laughed. It felt good. “I know,” is what she said.

“How'd it happen?”

“It's a long story.”

“... I like stories.”

Kai knelt down beside her, taking her left arm and carefully pushing back the sleeve of her jacket towards her elbow. He held back a grimace upon seeing the damage done in its entirety. It's a wonder how he was keeping the alcohol down. It was an even greater wonder how he wasn't shying away this time.

How long had this been going on?

How did I not know after all this time?

How could I have known?

You were too busy being a coward.

Kai shook away his thoughts. There was no point in thinking that way now. He matched his line of sight with hers, his eyes nothing but kind. “If I had known you were doing this to yourself, I would have come sooner.”

Krystal shook her head. “You're lying.”

“I'm not.”

“You wouldn't.”

“I would.”

“You hardly know anything about me,” Krystal said incredulously.

Kai looked at her for a moment longer, somewhat bemused as he gently wiped her tear-stained cheeks with the pad of his thumb. The mascara left marks on his hands, but he didn't mind. “You hardly know anything about me either,” he said. “Just trust me. I would.”

I would.

Two words. Neither of them were his name, but they were still powerful enough to give Krystal some kind of hope. One that was real and genuine and didn't make her want to run away. It was a nice, warm feeling, she concluded. And even though she didn't know where this kind of feeling would lead her, she decided to follow it. She wanted to trust it. She wanted to trust him.

And so she did.

author's note: This piece was inspired by Radiohead's "Creep" - my anthem to pretty much any SNS website + tumblr LOL. I'm not a huuuge fan of Radiohead, but I think almost anyone who's felt out of place or outcasted by society can identify with this song. The line I concentrated on the most was you're so ing special, I wish I was special, and I think it appropriately illustrated the skewed perceptions we have of other people and of ourselves - the case here being Kai's admiration for Krystal when Krystal believes the exact opposite of herself. Hopefully I was able to translate that well into the story. I repeat, hopefully.

And omggg we're almost at 100 subscribers ;A; WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM AND WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK MY WRITING IS WORTH READING. I swear I'm not self-destructive - I'm just not accustomed to this xD It's so humbling to have even a handful of you reading my pieces, so thank you, thank you, thank you. Not sure when the next update will be ( it'll probably be after this week ends since life OTL ), but when it comes, I promise I'll make it good. Until then, everyone! - Ella