rating: PG ( for implied drug use and addiction )

genre: angst, romance

word count: approx. 1,300+

Krystal walked at a brisk pace, hidden by shadows of heavy rain clouds and coated figures who generally had nowhere else to be. The collar of her coat was turned up, but despite the several layers of ragged clothing, Krystal shivered incessantly. Her fingers twitched inside her coat pockets, consistent but without beat. For every step she made, her heart ticked five times more, beating faster than the wings of a humming bird that could never stop.

Outside, she looked like a nervous wreck. Inside, she felt a palpable hunger that couldn’t be satisfied. The emptiness raked at her insides, clawed at her veins, prickled the surface of her thin skin stretched tightly over her cold bones; and it never stopped. The agony screamed at Krystal day after day, ceasing only slightly during the sunrise and piercing the silence that followed the night.

This night was just like any other, except with a single deviation. Besides the catastrophic emptiness, Krystal also felt a stab of guilt. She promised him that she would stop going out so late in the night. She promised him that she would change—that she would change for good. And she did for a time, but …

It was just so easy to turn around and change back.

What he doesn’t know won’t kill him, a hard voice says. Just get the stuff and go.

After reaching the rendezvous point, Krystal paced around the mouth of an nondescript alleyway. A few moments later, a thin sheet of drizzle descended upon the city from the black smoky skies. The rainwater felt cool against her warm face, dampening locks of Krystal’s dark hair and clumping her thick eyelashes together. Darting her sunken eyes to the alley, a shadowed figure emerged from the darkness, his presence bitterly familiar in Krystal’s mind.

“Haven’t seen you for several days,” he said, his voice raspy and dry. “I was beginning to think you offed yourself or something.”

“I didn’t come to share small talk,” Krystal said. “Do you have what I asked for?”

“Only if you have what I need.” The man raised a dirty hand and rubbed his fingers together. “Show me the money.”

Groaning under her breath, Krystal dug through her messenger bag, gathering in fistfuls all that she could muster to make this purchase. As someone who was unemployed, it was difficult for her to find any money at all; but for this, she was willing to take a few extra measures.

“Here.” Krystal her crumpled bills towards him, dropping them in his hand and then waiting impatiently for him to finish counting. “It should be enough,” she said, as if sensing his distrust.

“As it is,” the man said, smoothing out the money and tucking it inside his coat. Then he reached into another pocket to retrieve a small, square-shaped plastic bag half-filled with a white powdery substance. Krystal’s eyes gleamed at the sight, and she took it as soon as it was held out to her. “It was nice doing business with you,” he said. She could sense the sinister smile in his voice. “I hope to see you again soon.”

And with that, the man disappeared as quickly as he had come. Too consumed with twisted excitement, Krystal wasn’t looking to see where she was going until she accidentally bumped into a tall figure dressed in a leather jacket, jeans, and sneakers. It wasn’t until she finally looked up did she realize that it was no accident.

Krystal’s eyes widened. “Kai?”

“I thought you said you were gonna quit,” he said, small beads of water dripping from the tips of his fringe and trailing over his full lips.

“Were you following me?” she demanded.

“You weren’t answering any of my calls, and you weren’t at the apartment,” he replied. “What else was I supposed to think?”

The truth of his words stung Krystal like poison, but she was still reluctant. Compared to her, Kai looked more straight-edged and put together. And while Krystal would typically count on him for being consistently whole, there were times when she genuinely resented him for it. He was perfect. She was broken. And his inherent ability to do anything and everything right served as a constant reminder for anything and everything she did wrong.

Even now, there wasn’t a single hint of anger that betrayed him. If anything, Kai looked hurt most of all.

“I don’t need you to watch over me like I’m some stupid kid,” she said finally. “I know what I’m doing. I can take care of myself.”

“Is this really what you call taking care of yourself?”

“I’ve been clean for six days.”

“That hardly justifies what you’re doing right now!” Kai said incredulously. “Six days sober doesn’t allow for one night of ecstasy. It’s still going to kill you—all it will ever do for you is kill you.”

“You don’t understand,” Krystal said, shaking her head. “If you knew, you’d know that I’d die just as easily without it. It’s better this way—”

“No, it’s not!” Kai roared, his voice laced with frustration. “I’ve seen what the drugs do to you, Krys. They might make you feel good for one moment, but none of it is worth throwing your life away.”

“I never said it was,” she said quietly.

“Then why do you keep taking it?” he asked, to which Krystal couldn’t find an answer. “I might not understand how it feels for you; but you don’t understand how it feels for me, either. Every time we say goodbye, I’m scared that it might be our last. That at some point, you’re gonna leave me too soon and a huge part of me is going to leave with you. Nothing’s gonna be the same—I’m not gonna be the same. And the prospect of living in a world without you terrifies me more than you could ever imagine.”

Krystal stared at him, her fingers still trembling and her eyes b with tears. The need for the drug’s satisfaction was still there; except now it was rivaled by something just as—if not more—overwhelming.

Somewhere along this never-ending cycle, Krystal lost pieces of herself to something she once thought would make her whole. But in hopes of finding something that could have put her back together again, she only became more and more broken, fragments of her humanity lost on a road she now wished she hadn’t taken. Had she known she would be hurting Kai with her repeated mistakes, she wouldn’t have ventured down this road at all.

After all, he was the only one who loved her, and kept loving her, despite her numerous flaws.

“You can turn away from me as many times as you want, I’m always gonna come after you,” Kai said. “Every single time.”

“Kai, I can’t do this,” Krystal whispered with her eyes closed. “I just can’t. I’ve tried—but I can’t. It feels impossible—”

Holding her sallow face between his hands, Kai pressed his forehead against hers and said, “It’s okay. You were never meant to do it alone anyways.”

The tenderness in his voice broke Krystal. It was as if his words, his feelings, reached out and took hold of her heart, pulling it out of the guilt, shame, and darkness she wasn’t able to overcome on her own. Fresh hot tears streamed down Krystal’s face as Kai wrapped his arms around her in a crushing embrace. She doesn’t remember being anywhere else that felt more safe.

As she slid her arms around his torso, she let the packet of dust fall from her shaking hand, certain in the fact that she no longer had a need for it. Still shivering, Krystal pressed her face against Kai’s chest, overwhelmed by an inexplicable warmth but relieved, nonetheless. She didn’t feel bound or locked up by her own inadequacies any more.

She finally felt free.

And that’s when they started picking up the pieces, one by one, until her scars healed into something beautiful.

author's note: I kinda just dived right into this one xD Can't pinpoint exactly what inspired me to write this since I was motivated by several different things. But I guess the overall takeaway is that no one is too far broken to be healed. Lately, I've seen many "deep" quotes about how love is more trouble than its worth and how a person is too screwed up for other people to care about -- but I just don't believe that any of that is true. What I do believe is that a true, genuine, and relentless love can heal even the most broken of people. It won't take away all of your problems of course, but it'll do more for you than you could ever give it credit for.

And that's basically what I tried to illustrate through today's drabble. While Krystal sort of let her problems define her and fall back to her bad habits, Kai still loved her anyway - and relentlessly, at that. He didn't get angry and shout "YOU LIED TO ME" or anything. He didn't provoke her, challenge her, or make her feel any more fragmented than she was. He just wanted to love her despite everything she did and everything she would do. I mean, a part of him probably knew she'd relapse and not tell him, but it wasn't because he was distrustful; he was concerned. And I personally think there's a huge difference between the two.

Anywho, that wraps up my thoughts of today's update xD This wasn't my best writing ever, but it felt good to have some kind of mental release since this is somethng I've been thinking about for a while. I hope you all enjoyed it, and I'll see you at the next update o/ - Ella